I have turned into the invisible woman.

[Professor]

Hello all, need some advice on this as I don't know what to do next.

Have been married nearly 9 years with 3 young DCs.
DH is hardworking, a good provider, and easygoing and laid back.

Has always bought me flowers on V day, but nothing this time.

When I jokingly asked him where my flowers were, he just looked at me and said "I didn't think you liked that sort of stuff". He has always got me flowers, and I have always loved this.

Anyway, today I actually bought myself 2 dozen red roses, because they were reduced so practically giving them away. Also, I felt hurt and wanted to 'make a point'.

Put them in a vase in a prominent position, and he said absolutely nothing.

Did not ask where they came from (they MIGHT have been from someone else). Just nothing.

I feel like I have become the invisible woman.
Just feel so sad, even though Valentines is so overrated, I still feel hurt.

I seem to have become a nonentity to my DH. I try to keep myself looking good, and I do think I am quite attractive (not in a WAG way of course) but we can't all look like Cheryl Cole all day long can we?.

I don't really know why this is bothering me so much, but it is.

Do I just need to get over myself or what?

Yes, I do think actively doing something to make your relationship special again is the way to go. It can all get so lost with a busy family.

(great name by the way smashing!)

yes MigratingCoconuts that's what i meant - but you put it so much more succinctly and gently than my post.

thanks for the moniker compliment.

Thankyou all for the input on this post.

Cannot ask GPs to babysit as only got 1 and she could not possibly cope with 3.

Too young for sleepovers.

Even if I did go out it would be on my own anyway, as all my friends have lost touch.

No I always appreciate his gifts.

We don't have things like babysitting agencies up here.

And, he did notice the roses, but not till today. He asked me if they were from my boyfriend, LOL.

Honestly don't think he is playing away from home, just taking me for granted I suppose.

Looks like I will have to become 'high maintenance', whatever that means.

'High maintenance' means believing you deserve some attention. And then acting like it.

It can be hard to make friends and get out, lord knows I never seem to make it out of the house in the evenings but there are ways to meet people and you need to have some belief in your own worth.

'High maintenance' can mean being a complete drama llama who insists on her every stupid whim being indulged otherwise screeching, plate-throwing and a sex ban will ensue. Any man who finds this sort of thing attractive is either a nut or an abuser.

Professor - may be he's posting about how you always buy him some silly soft toy that he hates?

Harsh of me maybe but I'd hate a present like that.

You need to talk. You need to get back the relationship you once had and you need to stop finding excuses.

Teenage girls are always looking for work and or babysitting. Ask around. Make friends with other mums and do babysitting deals.

amen, SGB. any women who likes that is also a nut or an abuser. there is no worse feeling than being taken for granted, your stall needs to be set out that you are a contributing human being too. this can be done without grand gestures or plate smashing

OMG, am definitely not in the high maintenance group, stamping feet and throwing plates is just not me.

Agree that 'we' need to find babysitter, but teenager looking for spare cash....nooooo. I would not feel comfy leaving my 3DCs alone with a teenager.

As for my pressie, well, am deeply hurt. What is wrong with a love monkey?

Anyway, if I actually got my DH a present he actually wanted, it would cost me about £500 ( a new driver).

Erm, why didn't you buy him a bottle of wine or a six-pack or something? Most functioning adults people hate shit like cute cuddly toys.

Possible replies:

1. You are posting this for a larf.
2. You are in deep distress about your relationship but enbarrassed to admit it, so you've picked up small details and it sounds like you're posting for a laugh.
3. You're obsessed with being a cool wife, even if this means you stay indoors ALL YOUR LIFE with 3 DCs and he has a totally separate life. In which case he's either having an affair or he will do, your worries are not unfounded.
4. Cute gifts are very important to you, but he'd rathe have a hot dinner / hot shag / intense conversation about the relative importance of the Chinese economy.

If you like roses, how come he thought you don't care about 'em?

PS: On the offchance that your main problem is [3] not roses, I have two words for you - Pizza Express.

Decent food, nice atmosphere, child friendly, mates will go there :)

I don't work for them!

www.sitters.co.uk

i hated asking people to babysit. sitters (i know i sound like a free ad lol) solved that for me.

i have 3 dcs including one with sn. sitters were great, and always found me someone with a day or two's notice.

if you want to go out for dinner, go.

god i miss pizza express.

Professor, you need to sit down with your husband and talk about the fact that you haven't been out togeher for three years. That is a very long time not to have time together as a couple - you are not wrong to be afraid that your relationship will fall apart.

YOu can build a different relationship/ life to the one you have now, but you have got to seize life and do it yourself.

I know it's horrible to feel invisible - but what about your husband? Does he feel invisible if you are not interested in being anything but a mum at home. On the other hand, I would be worried that he isnt trying to get you out with him - where is he going? the pub? or with friends?

Of course you can find childcare - and you can also build up a friendship network - its hard work but you need to do it to keep yoru life and your relationship alive.

OP you are making excuses. There are professionally qualified nannies (who may be teenagers) who you could pay to look afetr your children. What you mean is YOU don't want to leave them. What if you were ill? You would have to accept child care then.

Now you have a crisis every bit as important in your life as a broken leg or a heart attack and you are not accepting you need to take some time with your DH away from the children or your marriage may fail.

OP are you familiar with transactional analysis?

you are playing "Why don't you?/Yes but" big time.

this is where a problem is posed only so that others can put up solutions which will all be rejected.

sometimes this can be because we're attached to the problem as it serves us in some way - for example, distracting us from bigger deeper problems we don't really want to look at. it's often a self-protection mechanism.

don't know if this is the case for you.

what do you think you could do?

YY - this is a game of 'why don't you/yes but'.

But of course, so are many threads ...

Honest to god, I am really not just being awkward here wuth this yes but no thing.

Have looked at the babysitting site sitters, but omh they are far too expensive, we just cannot justify paying those rates (haven't got it anyway).

No point buying him wine or six-pack as he doesn't drink.

We go to Burger King wvery sat but the kids come too and it's always such a nighmare as they all argue about what they want.

Yes, I agree completely that becoming invisible is inevitable if we never have any couple time and any advice is gratefully received. Am not trying to disagree with you all just for the sake of it.

how much did you pay for the two dozen roses, to make your point?

even if you save those sorts of purchases for sitting services once a month, that will help your relationship.

something has to change if you are not happy with the status quo.

how about going for a nice walk in the park as a family instead of burger king? i can't think of anything worse than taking a family of five (like mine lol) to bk on a saturday. that's a rut that'll drive you bananas if nothing else does.

so how much does dh spend when he's off on his jollies of an evening then? i seem to have missed where he goes - you haven't actually confirmed it's the pub? it might be a cost-free jog with his old school friend?

i sound exasperated - sorry. i don't mean to be, i just have a very short fuse with women who find themselves playing 1950's families, staying and home and knitting socks and waiting for himself to make a decision or ten. it's nothing personal, i just want to shake them and say 'you are enabling this situation! DON'T!!!'

i don't have anything against sahm's btw. dh and i have had every sort of set-up you can think of, including both of us working away. but a relationship is possible in each and every scenario.

which is more important : relationship or feeling invisible?

Is a bunch of flowers all you have needed in the past 3 years to stop you feeling invisible?

You know you deserve more than that, you need time alone and time with your DH and time as a family. Forget about flowers.

Whatever the cost of a night out i'd spend it on making my relationship happier instead of wasting it on buying my own flowers.

And you never know the feeling of a night away from the usual routine might last longer than those flowers in the vase

I was pleased to see the references to transactional analysis, because right from your original post, it is evident that you like to play games in this relationship. (The original TA book was called "Games People Play").

You say he has been distant for a few months, that he would normally celebrate Valentine's Day and make a fuss, but this year he didn't. Instead of sitting down and asking him what's going on in your relationship, you ask him about V day "in a jokey manner" and when you received a totally crap, hurtful response, you bought yourself flowers and hoped he'd notice....

You say he goes out twice a week on his own, yet you have no money for babysitters. You say you've got no friends of your own and can't lead a life independent of your H and children.

The biggest question though is, why haven't you sat down and talked to your H about how you feel and how he feels? For all we know, he doesn't want to go out with you, because he long ago stopped giving to your relationship. I suggested an affair, because that is usually either the catalyst to detach from the primary relationship, or is a consequence of detaching. However, you reject this notion out of hand.

You don't seem to know how he feels at all, only how you feel.

If you really don't think he's having an affair, then talk to him and have an adult chat about your relationship. And if he's not having an affair and thinks your marriage has become too child-centric, then listen to him and agree a way you can both improve things, because it's not just your job to find a babysitter and arrange nights out.

And do have a think about carving out a life of your own, with your own friends and interests.