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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Says he doesn't love me anymore.

57 replies

hoppershopper · 16/02/2011 18:42

In short, i dont have a lot of time...
Been married/together for 10 yrs have 2 dcs. After many problems in the past 6 months due to husbands out of order behaviour, drinking too much wanting to go out every weekend till 6 am, we have sat and discussed how to make our relationship better. We seemed to be getting there and can say all the things we need to do but now husband tells me he isn't in love with me Anymore.
I completely reeling, he says he wants to make it work and he doesn't want to leave, but I just feel so hurt, I don't know what to do.
I'm finding it really hard to be nice to him and bet things on track when I feel like he is a stranger.
Can we fix this?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/02/2011 18:47

you can try, if that's what you both want.

I suggest relate or similar.

Original poster

hoppershopper · 16/02/2011 18:50

Sorry title is misleading...... He says he does love me but isn't IN love with me.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 18:52

I am sorry, but have you asked him if there is another woman on the scene ?

This is classic, I am afraid.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/02/2011 19:04

have you asked him what he means by that?

It is such a meaningless phrase. I love you but I'm not IN love with you.

Ask him to tell you what he thinks it is to be "in" love with someone and how that differs from how he feels about you. What does he think IN love feels like.

Until you know what he means by IN love, then you can't know whether it's fixable or not.

TangledScotland · 16/02/2011 19:05

I hate the I love you but i'm not in love with you line, I personally think it's a load of bull said by people who are a bit bored and want some excitement in their lives, I'm afraid I also agree with PAFPM if there is not another woman he has maybe been having his ego stroked by woman he meets on these late nights out.

I'm not sure if you can fix it is my honest answer but you have to let him know you will not put up with situation, take some power back from him, he might just get the fright of his life, in long term relationships we forget that other half is a desirable person, it's the old "if you have steak every night you get sick of steak" rule, remind him you were a person without him!

carlywurly · 16/02/2011 19:08

When XH said exactly that to me, I'm afraid it turned out he was "in love" with a colleague. It was also preceded by all manner of twattery.

With the benefit of hindsight I wish I'd asked him to leave straightaway and not tried to work it through. I think sometimes they need to realise what they stand to lose when they make such ridiculous statements.

Be really strong, and don't fall into the classic trap of trying to be a perfect wife to try and make him fall back in love with you. It really doesn't work. If you do want to fix things, you have to be really tough now, and make him respect you. I hope things work out for you.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 19:09

A man who stays out until 6am and says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" has checked out of the relationship, usually due to an affair of some description

OP, you need to find out more

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 19:11

Good advice from carly

The way you act now, love, sets the agenda for how things are going to be

UltimateFucker · 16/02/2011 19:19

Remember you can only get things back on track if he is willing to do the same. It takes two to work on a marriage. This could possibly be an attempt by him to manipulate you into agreeing to letting him continue to behave the way he was previously, eg going out and drinking all weekend.

Give him x amount of time to decide what he wants, a few days, or a week if you're feeling generous, and tell him he has to make up his mind by then if he is prepared to work on your marriage. Make it clear to him that you will be taking the same amount of time to decide if you think it's worth it. If he thinks there is a possibility that he may end up without his family it might just concentrate his mind.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 19:21

His bags packed and left on the drive will concentrate the mind

carlywurly · 16/02/2011 19:42

They will, peterandre is right.

I know it sounds really extreme, but he's trying to have his cake and eat it at the moment. What you absolutely need to avoid is being so fearful he'll leave that you start to make allowances for all sorts of behaviour just to keep him.

You will be fine whatever happens, my life actually became a lot easier without the stress of XH being here.

Can you start doing a bit of digging? Any female friends or colleagues mentioned a lot recently??

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 19:55

OP...come back and tell us more, we can help you

Original poster

hoppershopper · 16/02/2011 20:00

He stopped drinking a few months ago completely and in turn has become a different person, for e better in many and not so much in others.
He works alone, so don't think there is another woman, and to be fair I'm not sure he could do that, but I guess I never really believed this would ever happen.
I'm so scared about the future, me and the dcs couldn't afford to live here in our home, we would have little money and who knows the effect on our dcs.
I'm just soo gutted, I never never in a million hears thought things would gtg to this.
For what it's worth, he has said he wants to make it work, but doesnt seem to be able to put that into practice and just calls his brother every hour with a bloody update on who said this and who said that. I've told him today that I'm fed up of his brother knowing every tiny detail but he says he's all he's got to talk to which I can't deny him, but it's like as soon as I say something he's on the phone telling his brother. His brother has to,d me he thinks DH is a twat to be fair.

OP posts:

realrabbit · 16/02/2011 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ninah · 16/02/2011 20:06

wonder what AF would say
I agree with peterandre

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:08

I agree with ninah

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:10

hopper, what does he say he is doing until 6am ?

realrabbit · 16/02/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

hoppershopper · 16/02/2011 20:23

Peter Andre, he goesvto a club that's open till 6am. It's all about the music apparently

OP posts:

Hullygully · 16/02/2011 20:25

Peter I know who you are.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:26

Then, love, don't dismiss the large opportunities he has to meet women.

I am really, really sorry but you are not being told the full truth here.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:27

Hi Hully

Hullygully · 16/02/2011 20:28

That Jordan treated you wrong, babe.
L8trs.

MigratingCoconuts · 16/02/2011 20:33

good name Peter!

Hopper, i agree with whats been said. the 'I'm not in love with you' sounds like a 'check out' to me too

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:34

And yes, I am a fame-hungry, mahogany, thick, cheesy "singer"

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