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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Says he doesn't love me anymore.

57 replies

hoppershopper · 16/02/2011 18:42

In short, i dont have a lot of time...
Been married/together for 10 yrs have 2 dcs. After many problems in the past 6 months due to husbands out of order behaviour, drinking too much wanting to go out every weekend till 6 am, we have sat and discussed how to make our relationship better. We seemed to be getting there and can say all the things we need to do but now husband tells me he isn't in love with me Anymore.
I completely reeling, he says he wants to make it work and he doesn't want to leave, but I just feel so hurt, I don't know what to do.
I'm finding it really hard to be nice to him and bet things on track when I feel like he is a stranger.
Can we fix this?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 16/02/2011 20:35

...with a tan?

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:36

a mahogany tan...see what I did there ?

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:39

Enough about me.

Hopper, have you had a really good read around the relationships board ?

Whatever is happening with your husband, he has spent the last 6 months detaching from you. Setting you up to fail. Finding his own justifications as to why he is no longer "in love" with you to excuse his awful treatment of you.

this cannot go on, OW or no OW

tell him to go

MigratingCoconuts · 16/02/2011 20:44

Peter, you are smarter than you look Grin..but you are right..back to Op and your advice is sound

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 20:44

Everything you have described is classic for him having an affair. Please don't dismiss this possibility - sceneios like you have described occur up and down the country in their thousands and the explanation is nearly always the same. Nobody thinks it will be their marriage. Everyone gets married and takes their vows seriously and disapproves of adultery. Then things change.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 20:46

There is a script, OP

So far, he is following it down to a tee

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 20:51

PeterAndreForPM Wed 16-Feb-11 19:09:51

A man who stays out until 6am and says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" has checked out of the relationship, usually due to an affair of some description

OP, you need to find out more

Totally agree with this post

Mouseface · 16/02/2011 20:57

If he 'doesn't love you anymore', is it because he's not in love with you now and thinks he should stay for the DCs?

I hope not, that NEVER works in the long term IME.

I'm sorry but he is trying to make this 'his fault' by not being in love with you, whilst hoping you'll tell him to go so that he can move forward, release him, without the guilt.

This is planned. He has thought long and hard about how best to make himself look.

He 'wants to make it work'? My arse he does.

He wants you to think he does so that when he tells you it can't work, you've at leats given it a go.

Emotional abuse.

Please, don't entertain this man.

He wants permission to leave. He is seeking a door.

So sorry Sad

animadura · 16/02/2011 21:25

When my dp said this to me I didn't want to believe it. I thought of lots of reasons why he might feel as if he didn't love me when really he did (overwork, bereavement etc etc).

But underneath I had known for a while because I no longer felt loved. I should have trusted that feeling.

He had emotionally checked out, was just stringing me along for accommodation and financial support until it would be convenient for him to get his own place.

By the way, he wanted us to remain 'friends'.

It was different for me, though, as there were no children involved. Very sorry you're having to go through it.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 16/02/2011 22:06

Have to agree with Mouseface's very eloquent post Sad

You deserve so much better than this. You deserve the respect that he is not giving to you. Atm he's stringing you along so you don't kick him out.

The only not so eloquent advice I can give is make sure it's your boot and not the door that hits him on the arse on his way out.

PS feel free to ignore.

seeminglyso · 16/02/2011 22:09

Oh dear this doesnt sound good at all OP. I agree with what some others have said, it does sound like there is another woman on the scene especially if he is out till 6am..where the fuck is he till then? After ten years no your not perhaps 'in love' as it was on the early days but this happens to all relationships the love just changes but it sounds to me that this is some cop out crap and he will soon move on to saying he wants to have an open relationship or something. Have you asked him how he now 'loves' you? You can still love a person as your spouse without being head over heels and shagging like rabbits? Get some clarification but if I were you I would start digging around a bit..see what you can uncover..Good Luck!

clam · 16/02/2011 22:31

I think the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a load of bullshit; a cliche people roll out to try to justify why they just want to bail out. It's used all the time in popular TV but actually, what the hell does it mean?
Ask him.

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/02/2011 22:34

is there a mysterious Newbie about these parts?

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 22:35

< hums "Mysterious Girl" >

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/02/2011 22:42

Can't you remember the words then newbie?

Hmm Grin
Mouseface · 16/02/2011 22:55
ledkr · 16/02/2011 22:58

op ive said it many times before but still stand by it. It will ultimately be more painfull to stay in this than to leave it.You maybe surprised at how you will cope,now is the time to find out what your options are re benefits and housing.I kept my large marital home and still have it to this day,had 4 kids and an ordinary part time job,it is possible.I chose not to spend the rest of my life trying to be young and pretty enough to make him love me,i think maybe that is what you will do,what a bloody waste and WHAT AN EFFORT yawn.

ledkr · 16/02/2011 23:00

"Large marital home" god i sound like a twat.
I meant that you maybe able to keep your house which you said you may not afford.

robberbutton · 17/02/2011 00:28

Hi hopper, sorry your H is being a twat :( I agree with all the posters on here but also wanted to offer a lone alternative from rl experience - this doesn't have to be the end. I know two couples who got to this point of not being "in love" with each other any more. In one case they just drifted apart, work and children pressures, and woke up one day thinking I actually wouldn't care if we weren't married anymore. With the second couple there was an OW involved and the H said exactly the same thing yours did. Both stuck it out, worked really hard, and got those "feelings" back. So it is possible to recover.

In a way, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, if there was an OW it would mean there was a tangible, alien thing blocking your relationship, and once removed your H would realise what an idiot he's been. Then it would be up to you to decide if you could work at it. Whatever your H's reasons, I agree that you need to get tough, not cut him any slack, make him see exactly where his talk and actions are leading. Don't try and change to make him love you- there might be things you could do differently (just working on the basis that no one's perfect), but that can come when you're both 100% committed to the relationship, working from a place of security and safety. (IMHO Blush )

I hope your H steps up, OP, and realises v quickly what he's about to lose.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/02/2011 05:15

His behaviour has completely changed over six months with no obvious reason; in some ways for the better, and some for the worse.

He's out every weekend until 6am, always at a particular club.

Would the ways in which he's changed include picking on you for no apparent reason, acting distant even when he is home, spending a lot of time on his computer/phone, by any chance?

I would bet actual real money that there's another woman. I'm really sorry, it's not something I take pleasure in saying. But it all sounds classic so far.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 09:26

staying in a club until 6? Do clubs stay open until 6?

sorry, but imo, it's more likely that he's picking up women in this club, going back to their place and then coming back in the morning.

Or he's with the same woman and uses the club until 6 thing as an excuse.

loopylou6 · 17/02/2011 09:38

Hi 'Peter' Grin

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 17/02/2011 10:47

I have now read the thread and have to say I would be astonished if there wasn't an OW in the picture. As robberbutton says, knowing that this is the case actually helps, rather than hinders. The presence of a third party makes what he is saying to you understandable, if not acceptable.

It might help us to help you, if you explain what your stance would be, if you find out that this is the case. Or why you want to believe that it's not?

IHateLivingHere · 17/02/2011 11:06

Yay!! The cavalry has arrived, (WWIFN). Now you will get to the bottom of this OP. Grin

abedelia · 17/02/2011 11:13

Yes, and I think it is time for some serious research... has his mobile been glued to his side recently? If so, even if you have to crawl like a commando across the floor to his jeans at 3am and lift the damn thing, you need to see that phone. Ditto his email. But do not make him suspect you are doing this. Play dumb (though make sure it is his money not yours being wasted on counselling). Unless he is confronted with concrete evidence he sounds like he'd admit nothing until faced with it.

And prepare for the worst - it sounds like such a classic case of other woman, I'm afraid. First he creates cracks in your relationships with his behaviour, then he starts behaving randomly, then there's the speech - it's happened before and it will happen again. Almost amusing if it wasn't so damn devastating.