My feed

to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.


My head says no, my heart says YES YES YES!!!

53 replies

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:25

I hope some of you see what i am trying to say but lots i'm sure will lynch me!

I am married for 5 years with a 1 yr baby. i am bored, DH gives me no attention, no affection and sex is virtually non existant has been for ages it was an effort just to conceive baby.

I love and don't want to be without him but i'm not sure for the right reasons.

  • i want baby to have daddy
  • I need a roof over my head
  • were ok financially and i'm luck to not have to work, althoguh that causes issues.

    A close friend, who i have admired for years has declared an affection to me and wants to keep things cool and secret but were technically having a phone affair! nothing physical but it looks like its going to head that way.

    I don't want to ruin things with DH but the attention is doing wonders for me at the moment.

    I want to say no more but every time i try the words don't come out.

    What do i do, i need this love from somewhere, i tld DH this and even threatened to look elsewhere if i didn;t get it.

    Where do i go from here???

    I feel shit one minute cos i know what is happening is really BAD but the next i'm such a high cos i'm getting what i have wanted in ages.

    Sorry this is sooooooooo long.
OP posts:
codface · 15/10/2005 19:29

what do you htink we will say?

codface · 15/10/2005 19:29

"My head says no, my heart says YES YES YES!!! and mumsnetters say no no no you silly fool"

motherinferior · 15/10/2005 19:30


mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:30

so what just keep living in the life im in with no happiness for the sake of baby

OP posts:
motherinferior · 15/10/2005 19:31

No, exactly, get out if you really really want to. I know it's scary. But under the circumstances it is worth considering.

soapbox · 15/10/2005 19:31

Same advice as ever - sort out the crap relationship first- you owe that to DH and your babt.

If that doesn't work then look further afield - once you have finished your current relationship.

ANything else is just STUPID!

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:32

i dont want to be on my own i cant.

OP posts:
hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 19:32

Try to fix things with DH. You say you don't want to ruin things with him - that's a start, isn't it?

Tell him you think you should go to Relate. Tell him you're really unhappy.

But don't just go and have an affair - this man might seem amazing now, but he will also have bad habits - and if you wreck what you have with DH, you'll wonder what might've been if you'd just worked at it a bit.

You owe it to yourself and your child to try to work it out before just jumping into bed with someone else.

SoupDragon · 15/10/2005 19:33

Either sort out the relationship with your DH or end it and leave him to persue another relationship. No overlap.

hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 19:33

And, obviously, if things prove unfixable (after you've tried properly) then get out.

MrsMiggins · 15/10/2005 19:34

"wants to keep things cool and secret"

in other words, wants sex but nothing else

try speaking to your husband - he may not think things are that bad
if it doesnt work, leave - dont stay for the baby as you'll be miserable

SoupDragon · 15/10/2005 19:34

How would you feel if your DH came home said "I've been having an affair for months" ?

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:34

i would NEVER sleep with him but feel a quick snog etc would get him out of my system and make me realsie wht i can get back with DH

OP posts:
hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 19:35

Now that's just stupid IMO.

expatinscotland · 15/10/2005 19:36

Mrs Annon
Happiness comes from within yourself. Only you can make yourself happy, relying on anyone else for that is a certain cause of grief.

For me personally, I find it silly, immature and fantastical to ever believe that my happiness depends on a man. Or woman. Or anyone. I'd never want the responsibility of someone relying on my for happiness, so I wouldn't expect that from someone else.

Happiness is everywhere, but it's actually work, like anything else. It doesn't just automatically result from a partnership, kids, a good job, etc.

Find it from someone else? Knock yourself out! What you're more likely to find is just a shag.

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:36

soupy if DH told me that i would be glad he is real and does believe in sex.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/10/2005 19:38

Sex is a pretty trivial thing to ruin your entire life for. Just my 2p. But trying to sort out relationship problems by shagging someone else always ends in disaster.

anorak · 15/10/2005 19:52

A quick snog will not get him out of your system. It will certainly make you want to go on to the next stage.

It's totally disrespectful to your dh. You promised to be with him alone. You owe it to yourself, your dh and your child to work as hard as possible to make things right with your dh. If eventually you find it can't work, you do as soupy says and end it with him before you start with someone else. Don't willingly get yourself into a situation that you're going to feel ashamed about.

And if you do get to that stage I wouldn't go with this other guy. He just wants to use you.

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:55

i dont want sex with this guy but i do feel i need somethign to kick start me to work out things with DH. i do love him but not in love with him, theres no spark at all i dont fancy him (DH). Every marriage loses some fizz i'm sure but not all of it like ours surely.

How do i work at it,I cant see him doing relate. I find it hard to give anything cos he gives me nothing and i'm very stubborn.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/10/2005 19:56

Go to Relate yourself then.

mrsannon · 15/10/2005 19:57

oh i though you had to go as a couple. i would go myself.

How do i do that is the number on internet, i'll check now.

Sorry everyone.

OP posts:
hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 19:57

If it was someone else in your situation, what would you say to them?

hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 19:58

Relate website

Good luck with it.

anorak · 15/10/2005 19:59

No you can go alone. With any luck your dh will get narked wondering what you're talking about behind his back and want to come along.

hunkerpumpkin · 15/10/2005 20:00

Also, don't feel you have to rely on men to pay you attention to make you feel good. Take some time out for you xxx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.