My head says no, my heart says YES YES YES!!!

[mrsannon]

I hope some of you see what i am trying to say but lots i'm sure will lynch me!

I am married for 5 years with a 1 yr baby. i am bored, DH gives me no attention, no affection and sex is virtually non existant has been for ages it was an effort just to conceive baby.

I love and don't want to be without him but i'm not sure for the right reasons.

• i want baby to have daddy
• I need a roof over my head
• were ok financially and i'm luck to not have to work, althoguh that causes issues.

A close friend, who i have admired for years has declared an affection to me and wants to keep things cool and secret but were technically having a phone affair! nothing physical but it looks like its going to head that way.

I don't want to ruin things with DH but the attention is doing wonders for me at the moment.

I want to say no more but every time i try the words don't come out.

What do i do, i need this love from somewhere, i tld DH this and even threatened to look elsewhere if i didn;t get it.

Where do i go from here???

I feel shit one minute cos i know what is happening is really BAD but the next i'm such a high cos i'm getting what i have wanted in ages.

Sorry this is sooooooooo long.

What about writing a list of all the reasons you married dh-how you felt when you first got with him-what could be done to get that feeling back-do you really want to ruin a great friendship??

"if DH told me that i would be glad he is real and does believe in sex"

And how would you feel abuot the betrayal?

ok,

if u stay with ur DH u will end up resenting him - and possibly ur child. (to me this wouldn't be an option)

If u have an affair with this man then in effect u might as well go trample all over ur DH's feelings and prove to him u don't give two hoots.

an affair with this man may well satify u in the short term - but what then? - what happens when he's not enough? one snog - leads to more - do u seriously think (and be honest here) thaht both of u could stop after one snog? how will u feel after everythings finished? - say u do snog this man/sleep with him - what happens after that? - what if ur DH did find out?

think about ur child - MIL had an affair - with FIL and DH has on some level never forgiven her - and is rather raw about the circumstances now he's older to understand - it's not pleasant to hear some comments he makes about her at times.

I think u need to sit ur DH down and spell it out and really put the effort back into things - for me if u're not prepared to put in the effort then end things and be alone instead of starting up with another chap.

I may be harsh but I think snogging this man would be too tempting, u're at a cross roads really - up to u which way u turn.

" staying for the sake of the kids" just does not work not just in my experience but in other people that I know.
years ago I was in a loveless marriage(with dv thrown in)and I felt like you do now. I very nearly did have an affair with my present dh but we restrained ourselves until after I started divorce proceedings. I was only with my first husband for the sake of the kids and also some security but I was so unhappy.
If you are living in a loveless marriage and are unhappy, my advice is to get out
because everybody deserves a chance of happiness.
hugs
xxx

Absolutely agree that you shouldn't stay in a loveless marriage or stay with him for the sake of the baby - but to just walk away without trying to fix it isn't giving it your best shot, IMO.

And, as Soupy says, no overlap between relationships. After all, if you jump straight for this guy because he's paid you a bit of attention, you might be missing out on someone even better!

It's hard having a one year old baby. Ds is nearly one and for the last year I have spent most of the time feeling like I work with dh on the job of raising ds. We love him dearly but we haven't been out and it is difficult to feel like our relationship gets a look in.

That said, I've had an affair before (in a previous relationship) and dh has a daughter from a previous relationship so I have seen the results of both of these things and I tell you, it is the last path I would take if I felt our relationship were in trouble.

Your comment about not wanting to be alone is very telling. This man is not the answer. You are the answer and you owe it to your baby to make the effort to work on yourself before you make major and potentially very damaging changes to her life. But hey, if you want to justify an affair to yourself, there is nothing any of us can say that will stop you.

Please don't do this, it might feel like a short term solution but it really is not the answer. There is a whole world of pain waiting for you if you go further with this which will be worse than any boredom you are feeling now.

please don't get yourself into a sticky situation that you will regret for thr rest of your life.

I know how you feel to feel unloved at times but ask yourself is it really ALL the time or are you just on a down time at the moment.

Please think carefully at what ever decisions you make and put your sensible head on and try and resist if you know that deep down you are doing something wrong and at the end of the day we all know when we are in the wrong but it takes guts to admit it.

Good luck i hope you find peace soon.

As someone who has experienced an affair, it is the most devastating thing to find out your partner has not been faithful. And it doesn't really matter if it is not physical, it is still a betrayal. Yes sex will make it much worse, but in my experience it is not the only thing that is upsetting. Why don't you have a look at some of the threads about discovering your partner has had an affair? You may think again. I'm not wanting to have a go, but in my opinion having an affair because are feeling neglected is a very shortsighted way to go, and a very underhand and selfish thing to do. I would also really question the ethics of a friend who was encouraging you to do this. How would you feel if your dh caught you on the 'phone tonight? Are you really wanting to say goodbye to your relationship? The first year of parenthood is in my opinion incredibly hard on a relationship, but please make absolutely sure that you are thinking about what you are doing. Many people who have affairs "on a whim" bitterly regret it afterwards. Do go to relate and talk about how you are feeling. It may be that you cannot fix your realationship, but at least you could move on with your head held high. The risk for you is that you have your snog or whatever that turns into, and do realize that you want to be with your dh, and then return home to find your things on the pavement, and your "close friend" uninterested in supporting you and your baby.

GO FOR IT< WHATEVER IT IS>
Good luck.
Life is short.

Mrsannon,

Okay so you're "bored" in your current relationship but if you throw it all away on another man who will in all likelihood not be around long term for either you or your baby, what then?. This other man may have admired you for years but on the other hand he could be telling you exactly what you need and want to hear. He sees that you're vulnerable and TBH he's taking advantage.

I would suggest you go to Relate counselling on your own to talk this through properly with someone impartial.

I would also think your DH has some suspicions as your behaviour has changed.

What if the boot was on the other foot, how would you feel if he was having a phone affair with another woman?.

If you do try and save this marriage there will have to be no contact of any sort with this other man from now on in. End this now. You cannot try and save your marriage if this other man is still on the scene in any form.

Affairs are symptomatic of problems in the relationship, not the cause.

You can't be serious Jasper???

The only thing I can think to say is, If it was an effort to concieve the baby why did you try? Surely alarm bells should have been ringing then? Sorry I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I'm not always the happiest with DP but I couldn't have an affair on account of my DS.

Mrsannon - I have gone one step further than you and believe me it really doesn't stop there. I have had a "friendship" with a man for 3 months. We have known each other since high school and have been meeting secretly/snogging and tbh it is getting far too serious!!!! When this started I really just did want a friendship but as we know each other well and quite fancied each other it has progressed beyond that. There was nothing wrong in my relationship, well a few things but I love my DP and was not looking for something else especially as me and DP have an active sex life and are still very happy on that score. I have not had sex with this man but now he is telling me that he has fallen in love with and will leave his wife and children just for me. I really do not want that, it has just spiralled out of control and I should have been more firm in the beginning. I would be devastated if my DP found out, he can very violent, and has been quite violent towards me in the past but he would also be utterly devastated!!!

I cannot believe I am doing this to my family and not a day goes by when I am not thinking about it. I sincerely believe this guy does love me now, I have got to know him quite well and know he is sincere but am not sure what do with my life anymore.

My advice is don't snog him, I thought it wouldn't do any harm but it does because you enjoy it and want more!!!!

Like everyone has said choose one or other, easy for me to say I know but I just wish I had took my own advice.

My tough-ish response having only read the first few posts?
You will be trying to have your cake and eat it if you follow your heart (and actually I think it is your under-nourished ego you would be folowing, not your heart).

If you really are not happy with DH, and cannot see a future, it is simply using him and everyone else involved if you just can't cope with being alone. Perhaps you need to learn to be ok alone instead of relying on 2nd best and behaving in a deceiving manner to your DH?

I am not unsympathetic to your need for some love and affection and attention - it's hard to live like that and having kids does seem to make it vanish. But IME you need to find a stronger healthier way to get it, because this route could well lead to you feeling even worse - which would be sad.

no, not serious!

Mrsannon - Been there, bought the T-shirt! It won't end pretty if you don't choose one way or the other...... but I totally understand how hard that can be.

i think you need to get some self esteem girl. you should go to college do a night class is making glassware or knitting, get out of the house and develop your own life

you are a person in your won right. things dont happen to you - you either let them happen or make them happen.

so your bored? unhappy? you make a change.

you dont want to leave becuase he has money - well then m'dear thats the choice you make - personally i would rather be on the bones of my arse than be treated like a worthless piece of crap or even worse - worse worse worse - is indifference.

i hear loads of time " im not in love with him but ilove him"

really , thas something a teenager would say. i personally would not like to be in love that tingly feeling you get because someone has looked your way, someone finds you attractive and wants to fuck you - thats basic animal stuff.

being in love with someone is when you clean their sick up when they are ill, or help them to the toilet. being in love with someone means sacrifices and doing things you loathe like frying eggs ( yuk) or making (yuk) ham butties becuase you love them.

thats love.

the rest is just sex.

dont believe the media hype. read other mumsnet threads to realise most men have infinate tosser moments.

your life however is yours - no one elses and you only have the one - so make it a good one babe cos your not coming back.

if you want to stay with him for a nice comfy life - cool - realise thats your choice - hes not forcing you to do that.

maybe get a wider cirlce of friends , some interests, a part time job - thing is its you that has to make your life better

Message withdrawn

Well said Custy.

Everyone on mn who is having or contemplating an affair is to some extent euphoric/ experiencing an adrenaline rush, but it doesn't last..

if you get a job then you will be able to support yourself if you leave your curent partner and the challenge and activity may rekindle your relationship

relying on a partner for money is quite selfish if they mean nothing more to you than that

fab post, custy

I really want to post something on these types of threads, but I just know sooner or later Custy will come along and say all I wanted to and more, far more eloquently.

Go Custy!

Jasper - haven't seen you around for ages. Really miss your posts.

Mog, that's very kind.
I have not been around for a bit.
When I came here last week and saw another "My marriage is boring I want to have sex with another man "thread I wanted to shout at the computer but decided to give a ridiculous reply instead . Of course the tone does not always come across and I hope the original poster did not take my "advice"
Really I must grow up