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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If I list the things dh does that make seriously make me want to leave him, can you help work out if there is a future?

84 replies

ijudge · 15/02/2011 09:31

DH:

Lies every time he thinks I won't like what he has done. It can be really small petty lies or really big ones. I literally have to catch him in the lie before he will tell the truth. His stock response to anything is' it wasn't me' or 'I didn't do it. Its like dealing with a little boy.

He never takes responsibility for his actions, he can never say sorry I shouldn't have done that. First he denies and lies, then he blames someone else (normally me) then he tries to distract the conversation away from the topic so we end up talking about something else and forget the original problem.

He doesn't seem to care about anybody else's possessions. He looks after his things, but mine and our two dd's things are constantly being lost because he can't remember what he has done with the. I spend ages searching for things. He can never put things back where they belong, he out dd's toothpaste on top of the shower unit the other day and I spent ages in the morning looking for it (he's at work so not here for the morning rush!) In the end I had to phone him (have to phone him nearly every other day to work out wheres he out something) he said he put it there because dd was messing around with, but why not put it back later? or putt it somewhere I could find it. Its so exhausting looking for things all the time. Yesterday he put the broom back in the spare room where we never go instead of in the clockroom, he said he never and dd1 did but she's 3 so I know that's not true. But like I said he lies about everything.

He can't control dd1, she is a typical 3yr old and is pushing the boundaries. If she doesn't do what he wants it ends up in them arguing and then her having a massive meltdown. No matter how much she is screaming I'm not allowed to get involved even if I can calm the situation in 2 mins. I have tried to tell him how to deal with her, told him what I do. But he seems incapable of being the adult and always ends going to her level and arguing with her - it's like listening to a pair of kids, not a father daughter. It breaks my hear to listen to her getting so upset, I know he loves her to bits but he has no idea how to be a parent IMHO. Last night it happened again, he did bedtime with dd1 while I bf'd dd2. It resulted in dd1 coming into the bedroom and telling me daddy had slapped her on the face with the flannel. I quesitoned him he said he didn't and asked dd1 why she had said that. But I don't know if I believe him.

I told him later that I couldn't live like this anymore, am I over reacting? I am sleep deprived with a 3 month old baby so could be hormonal.

OP posts:

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 10:26

Thats really reassuring tigana. That's what I need to hear. That I am not being manipulated, it's just his inability to take responsibility.

I need to know he doesn't actually mean it, then maybe we can work through it

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 10:27

What did you do last night about the beer?

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 10:29

I was really fucking pissed off. I sent him to get me a bottle of wine, he doesn't drink wine so thought he wouldn't have a drink and then maybe he'd think twice about lying. But he bought some beer for himself anyway so he still had a drink.

OP posts:

sungirltan · 15/02/2011 10:31

might be attempted gaslighting but more like childish lying. god its so frustrating my dh does this lying and not admitting it thing. dont know what the answer is but i sympathise.

i think whats hard for you if that your dh isn't alloowing you both to work as a team in parenting/housework.

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 10:43

Could you all live with the childish lying?

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 10:51

My teenage daugher used to do this...he last ime she did it i completely lost i screamed, yelled, cried and then told her that I would rather she stole everything i owned and sold it for pennies rather than lie to me like that. I old her that there wa snothing that she coud do to me that would be as bad as doing it AND lying about it after.
I now lisen to what she has said and then say ' you have the chance to edit that now if you need to'...quite often she does change things or blush and admit she was pulling a fast one...BUT it's less and less often.
Could you find a maore adult way of conveying this messaghe to your dh?

TheBolter · 15/02/2011 10:52

The lying would drive me mad. I would find it very hard to respect a man who does this - and even harder to respect a man who doesn't seem to respect my feelings either.

The bit about his mother made me roll my eyes - typical! Clearly he's never been made to be responsible for his actions.

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 10:54

I do need tactics on how to deal with the lying. I've told him time and time again I'm sick of it, I've tried shouting, talking, begging, threatening to leave him, kicked him out, nothing works I can't get him to stop.

OP posts:

truthisinthewine · 15/02/2011 10:59

No I couldn't it would drive me crazy. I need to live with a responsible adult who I trust, respect and who can co-parent with me. I couldn't live with someone who lies about ridiculous things like a child, or who obviously thinks I am an idiot if they expect me tobelueve their lies.

The lack of parenting skills would also be very hard for to deal with.

It must be exhausting never being able to take anything he says at face value. I am not in the very early post-natal period and I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who acts the way you describe.

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 11:06

It is so exhausting - I'm constantly questioning everything.

OP posts:

truthisinthewine · 15/02/2011 11:08

Has he always been this way?

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 11:16

I think I am slowly realising he has

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 11:16

I know you say his mum treats him like a child..but is there any way you could alk to her about it? Ask her whether he has always been like this etc
I know she may defend him but surely she would not want this to be a divorce siuation and therefore might help in some way...?

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 11:20

Everything was always my fault and I believed him for such a long time.

I have to go to nursery now - will be back

OP posts:

truthisinthewine · 15/02/2011 11:37

Well everything can't 'always' be your fault. I'm sure it would be statistically impossible that any given situation was always a result of the same person.
So you feeling it is your fault, is that because that is what he actually said/showed or just how you perceived it to be?
I think if he has always been this way then the chances of him turning into the person you want isn't going to happen. Especially as you have already mentioned it is a problem and he has done nothing.

madrush · 15/02/2011 11:51

Honest outside perspective from me is that the things worrying you seem to be irritating rather than awful (although they don't feel like that to you because you're tired/adjusting to major life transition).

If you love him and want to raise your family with him, I would spend some time talking about how you are both on the same team and making sure your actions are always demonstrating this too. He sounds a bit insecure in his relationship with your child (maybe let him in more even if he makes mistakes? and try to bite your tongue) and with you - why can't he tell you the truth? It sounds as though it's not your behaviour that makes him lie, but you might be able to modify your behaviour to help him stop, if you care about him enough to want to put the effort in.

It sounds horribly patronising but use adapted strategies from those you'd use with children. Ignore as much as you can. Quietly explain why something has upset you if it's a bigger issue. Praise the desirable behaviour. And above all don't forget to laugh. It's actually quite funny (from the outside) that he's so forgetful he doesn't know where he's put things. Share that as a funny thing and maybe over time it'll be endearing rather than infuriating?

I hope you work something out.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 12:54

I don't think this is because of tiredness, sleep deprivation or the stress of having young DCs, but agree that those circumstances have caused you to view his behaviour in the appropriate light.

Having a relationship with a charming, feckless boy might be achievable before becoming parents, but parenthood is an adult job. I expect what's happened is that the things you've previously bargained away are now becoming intolerable.

There are two main threats to the marriage if he remains like this.

Infidelity on his part is much more likely. It is already easy for him to lie and gaslight. He has no personal taboos to lying or making you feel as though you are imagining things. Deleting texts from his phone would be like removing the bottles from the bin. At the moment, he doesn't need to remove the evidence, because the consequences are not as bad.

Your respect for him will erode to nothing. It is virtually impossible to have enjoyable sex and a happy marriage with someone for whom you have no respect.

billybunter · 15/02/2011 13:09

From reading your OP, something stood out. You are not allowed to 'get involved' when he's supervising your daughter.

Something in your family dynamic has to change. During a calm time, discuss what your shared parenting goals are, try to get unity in dealing with your daughter.

You can't stop him lying. He will stop himself when he feels important, valued and involved in family life. He will step up and stop the silly fibs.

billybunter · 15/02/2011 13:15

Madrush I see I've echoed what you said - didn't read your post before sending.

Wwifn - not sure this is about infidelity, hiding texts and a sex life going down the drain. It's more about two people struggling through day to day with small kids, dealing with the stresses in non productive ways IMO

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 13:26

I don't think this is about infidelity Billy....at the moment. But the fact is that infidelity is much easier if a person is comfortable with lying.

I don't think this is about normal stresses and strains. Compulsive or pathological lying isn't normal and shouldn't be bargained away with a refrain of "Oh, life's like that when you've got small children..."

It isn't.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 13:34

I'm wondering whether some of have missed the bits about the H's lies getting them into increasing debt, or his DD's insistence that he hit her with a flannel and the H's denial, meaning that the OP can't decide who is lying, her H or her DD?

This is not trivial stuff.

theredhen · 15/02/2011 13:41

I absolutely hate lying. DSS does this and DP doesn't think it's a big deal. I don't care that much if DSS hasn't tidied his room or cleaned his teeth, but I absolutely hate being lied to. I would hate for my son to be like that, and I worry what your children will grow up to be with the role model they have.

To be honest, the not putting things back, is just laziness, and thoughtlessnes. I think it can be hurtful though because he looks after his own things making him seem a little selfish.

Personally I couldn't live with a liar - he's a grown man and should own up if he has done something.

He sounds very insecure to me.

miniwedge · 15/02/2011 13:45

I am struggling to understand how someone who lies about a three yr old to get himself out of trouble and who has potentially hit that three yr old in the face with a flannel can be described as "soft and loyal".

billybunter · 15/02/2011 13:48

I think I did get the full picture, i still stand by my basic point, which is that if the family dynamic improves, so will the relationship between those two parents. It's all interconnected.

In all likely hood, unfortunately he probably did hit the child with the flannel.

Urgent steps need taking to get these two parents some shared purpose .

Apologies for picking out your post WW and credit to you for not being defensive. It's just that what you said jarred with me as their sex life etc is actually quite meaningless right now. A three year old child is going to suffer from there being such conflict with her parents.

Original poster

ijudge · 15/02/2011 13:54

God it makes uncomfortable reading seeing our relationship laid bare like this.

I really hope it's not impacting on dd1, but I can why it could be.

I don't know what to do.

I think the only way is to leave him. But I have no idea how to do this. He won't leave the house, I have no where to go with a baby and a toddler.

OP posts:

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