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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel about this?

123 replies

ThomCat · 10/09/2003 12:12

We've been invited to a wedding. DP is going to DJ for a bit - when he mentioned this this morning I said 'ohhh, I hate that - it means I'm going to be on my own for hours'. I didn't get really upset about it just said it in a normal voice. I'll only know 2 people and the bride and groom and I don't know those 4 people very well so...... Anyway DP's instant reaction was to say 'don't come then I'll take X', a mutual friend to him and groom etc. I replied that I knew when it came to it I'd be fine but if he'd rather take his friend then... and he didn't argue with that just said 'well do you want to go or not'. I told him it was his decision who he chooses to take, (even though the invite is to the 2 of us and our DD). Anyway just spoke to him about something just now and he said again 'so do you want to come'! I'm feeling really peed off about this as it would seem to me that he'd rather take his mate, as he bought it up so quickly as soon as he saw a window of opportunity (me saying I wasn't over the moon at the being on my own while he DJ'd) and has bought it up again, even though I've never said I didn't want to go.
Sorry - I know this is rambled and a rant - but would you be upset / angry that your DP /DH very much seemed to want to take a friend to a wedding rather than you. I personally think it's a bit outrageous and thought that's what stag nights were for.
Once again I call upon Mumsnetters to either help me see reason and calm me down or confirm that my DP is being a b@5t@rd!

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/09/2003 09:58

Erm, I think maybe you are being a tad over sensitive Thomcat? Your response to him DJing was a negative one, so he may well have taken that as a sign that you did not really want to go. Perhaps he feels that he will be put under pressure and made to feel guilty by seeing you sat there on your own. After all, if one person is miserable then it makes it harder for the other person to enjoy themselves. As you have said, you don't know the people very well, so he may have assumed that you are not that bothered about going.

I wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended if dh took someone else to a wedding I was invited to. If I hardly knew them, then I would prefer not to go and for him to have a good time. But you do need to make yourself clear to him. Too often we women expect our men to be mind-readers! We know what we mean, but they need it spelling out to them loud and clear. If you want to go, then say so, if you are not sure then let him take his friend. It's no insult to you at all. You could get yourself a video and a nice bottle of wine. Or you could buy yourself a drop-dead gorgeous frock and have a brilliant time making new friends. It is entirely up to you, but don't be too hard on your dh. If you haven't made yourself clear to him, what else can he think? He doesn't want you to go and be miserable, and neither does he want to go on his own. So put him out of his misery and just tell him if you are going or not!

And have a bloody good time whatever you do!

ThomCat · 11/09/2003 10:29

Yes I was being over-sensitive, had an emotional hard week on way or another and was being silly. Neither of us handled the situation well but we are both having rubbiush time at work with both our companies being on shaky ground amongst other bits so it was something and nothing. My knee-jerk reaction was to come blubbing to good ole Mumsnet when i should have just waited until i'd calmed down and been able to see the wood for the trees. hopefully I'll have a better week next week!

OP posts:
aloha · 11/09/2003 10:33

Thomcat, take up that offer of babysitting and have a great time. I'm far too old for that sort of do, but you sound way hipper than me!

doormat · 11/09/2003 10:39

aloha I though you were the hippiest of the lot of us

Boe · 11/09/2003 10:40

Did not think it good form to take someone else if your partner could not go to an event, especially a wedding - thought you had to be INVITED!!

ThomCat · 11/09/2003 10:45

Oh don't worry - I'm going and I'll have a great one!!
Boe - it's not good form to bring someone else to a wedding no, he was wrong there, but i was wrong in the way I reacted too, so I'm just letting that one go and best just to pretend that whole conversation between us never even happened.

OP posts:
morph · 11/09/2003 10:47

ThomCat, thank god you didn't wait to come onto mumsnet better to blub than boil!! You will have a wonderful time at the wedding - if you get your mum to babysit you can get your best clobber on and go and have a larf like you used to - maybe it might even be like old times??watch the vodka consumption though! (still better than diet coke!)

Cam · 11/09/2003 12:01

Tc off tangent here but was your dh a famous dj?

Boe · 11/09/2003 12:10

ARe you Zoe Ball - of so why did you leave scrummy norman for that Dan man - have always wondered???

ThomCat · 11/09/2003 12:13

Glad to be on a tangent away from original post to be honest Cam!
Famous - well I wouldn't say that but within his field he's very well known.. Doesn't play out now really. Has been on telly and raio and played in lots of big clubs all over world with lots of other big names so.... He was / is a superb DJ and repected amongst his peers etc.
Has a famous(ish) dad, again just within media land really, not famous famous!! What with my story and photos on the 'Other subjects' thread fear I may get kicked off mumsnet for being too open!
Anyway not fair on DP or his dad!

OP posts:
janh · 11/09/2003 12:46

Ooh, Thomcat, I have just googled - is his dad Jim?

Boe · 11/09/2003 12:48

Oh my god is Jim Bowen your father in law???

fio2 · 11/09/2003 12:55

JM is also Vic Reeves

janh · 11/09/2003 13:00

Yes, don't mean him though!

fio2 · 11/09/2003 13:06

no me neither just trying save TC's bacon!

janh · 11/09/2003 13:11

Oh, sorry, fio and TC! There's one at the Blood Donor Service as well...

Me and my big mouth (well, keyboard...)

wickedstepmother · 11/09/2003 13:29

Have also just googled Most impressive

ThomCat · 11/09/2003 13:32

Oh noooo, what have I done?!!!!!

There's one what at Blood Donor Centre?

and yes.. !!Gow what's left to know about me!!??

OP posts:
wickedstepmother · 11/09/2003 13:34

Be proud

P.S. What's your shoe size

wickedstepmother · 11/09/2003 13:36

Just 'googled' my DH's name. Al that came up was some MP for Bermondsey !

wickedstepmother · 11/09/2003 13:36

Just 'googled' my DH's name. Al that came up was some MP for Bermondsey !

fio2 · 11/09/2003 13:39

OMG my dh is a charted surveryor, a motocross champion, a keyboard tuner, a comedian and has been in Dr Who. He never bloody told me!!!!!

wickedstepmother · 11/09/2003 13:41

I put my maiden name in and I appear many times in connection with gun licence applications !

SamboM · 11/09/2003 13:42

OOOOh Thomcat just googled too, bet I've heard your dh, we used to live in The Brain in the early 90s

fio2 · 11/09/2003 13:43

actually my name with maiden name only came up with one which was marshall for a ladies gaelic football team (it is irish though) My married name just came up with people looing for jobs and some software VP for the BBC - boring