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Original poster

How do you cope with people who go off it when you try to challenge them?

68 replies

ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:05

I often feel as though I'm being held to ransom in my own home because if I do ever complain to dh about his behaviour he just turns it round on me and creates such hassle that I wish I hadn't bothered Hmm

There's no violence or nastiness involved, I just feel like he's got me where he wants me by throwing these tantrums. I don't really like conflict and it's a huge mental effort to bring anything up that I'm not happy with. He's just so touchy and awkward. I feel like I'm living with a 12 year old silly girl, not a grown man Sad

Is it worth trying to be more assertive or just continue as I am, biting my tongue and hoping he just snaps out of it?

It's getting annoying, I feel like I'm a single parent to three kids, not married with two Hmm

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 13/02/2011 20:29

ilove, can you give more specific examples of his behaviour and your response?

What do you mean by tantrums? Touchy, awkward?

Are you saying that when you feel he's been unreasonable he claims that you caused it?

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:44

Well, whenever I ask him to help out a bit or perhaps say I'm feeling a bit tired he just comes back with the fact that he's got a cold/virus. This 'virus' has been going on for years and he always resorts to this when feeling that something might be expected of him. He starts coughing and spluttering and taking Paracetamol and looking sort of wan and feeble Hmm

If I do try to chivvy him into action, he just makes a terrible fuss and will try to claim he's been doing lots of important stuff and can't possibly do anything more. The thing is, he's taken early retirement and I work part time. I do all the laundry, housework, shopping, generally running the place etc. He just kind of does 'stuff', but nothing to do with running the house apart from some cooking.

I feel wrung out and he just sits there and moans about stuff and is generally negative. Then to top it off, if I do complain, he just has these silly tantrums and goes in the huff - hypochondriac/primadonna type of thing Hmm Kind of a bit passive-aggressive too.

He's not depressed or bored as he has lots of interests and things to keep busy with. He's into reading and teaching himself stuff, so he's not vegetating. He hated work and is glad to be gone. His father was a very negative, moany sort of person and I'm scared he'll turn into him Sad His mother had a lot to put up with when he was alive and I don't want to turn into her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:46

His father used to go bananas if he was challenged about anything as well.

He's turning into his father isn't he? What can I do to halt this process Sad I need to be assertive, whilst at the same time, able to cope with this silly behaviour.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 20:49

did he like his father?

what about if you said to him that he is turning into his father and you have no intention of living like that.

Thing is, you probably can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

You can tell him that you are not prepared to live like this and give him a choice.

He then decides whether he wants to change or not.

and you decide what, if anything, you are prepared to do if his choice is 'not'.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:51

The trouble is, if I do try being assertive, I just feel as though I'm assuming The Parenting Role and I need to avoid this if I want him to resume the role of adult instead of whiny, feeble, teenage girl type behaviour.

I can't get the balance right and I'm falling into his traps all the time, subservient, quiet wife who doesn't rock the boat, or Mother Who Takes Charge if I am forced to take control of a household situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:52

Yes, he usually got on okay with his father. He did used to criticise him for being like this and being moany and negative though. They had the odd bit of conflict, but nothing very much.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 20:53

Because you are reacting on a situation by situation basis when what you need to do is take a stand on the pattern. X, Y, Z is unacceptable and needs to stop or I will...

Of course, if there's no "I will..." then you're buggered, basically.

mumonthenet · 13/02/2011 20:54

oh god he does sound a bit childish and no you don't want him turning into his Dad.

Yes, you should continue to do what you«'re doing. If you don't and you shut up "for a quiet life" his behaviour will have had the desired effect won't it? You won't ask him again for fear of him getting huffy.

Would it work for you to say something like "I know you're tired/virusy/busy but please will you collect the dcs/lay the table/put cat out?" Clear direct requests?

If all else fails, you should probably tell him he's turning into a grumpy old git. (!)

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:55

I think he can listen to me when he wants. I think he's gotten too comfortable in his current role and is reluctant to relinquish it and rejoin the adult world. I do tend to take on the responsibility readily enough, but only because I feel that nothing will get done if I don't. It's a common trap, from what I understand and have read here.

I do need to break the pattern of my current responses, but struggle to know how.

OP posts:
goodkate · 13/02/2011 20:55

Dear ilovemyhens

I'm going to be a bit brutal here (or doing a Sally Brampton (agony aunt Sunday Times)) but stop being so compliant and your life will improve dramatically.

Stop doing his washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, housework.

Look after yourself and yourself only, get out with freinds, join a club - in other words stop waiting for him to change and enjoy your own life.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you deserve better treatment - you sound like a good woman - don't let your dh drag you down any longer.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:57

I did buy him a Mr Grumpy mug for Christmas, but chickened out of giving him it because it's too damn close to the truth and he'd feel 'got at' Hmm

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 13/02/2011 20:59

What exactly is his behaviour if you ask him to do something?

Are you saying he slinks off moaning that he thinks he's got a migraine coming on and needs to lie down or does he shout, swear, insult, - that kind of thing?

Btw...by saying "I understand you're tired but would you collect the dc's while I cook the dinner" you are NOT in parenting mode but in ADULT mode. Therefore he should respond in ADULT mode.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:02

Well, he huffs and puffs and just goes into a massive huff. He claims he's ill and has this cold/virus. He just makes it known that he's not happy and creates a miserable atmosphere in the house. He doesn't shout or swear or threaten or anything like that.

Ironically, if he did do stuff like that I'd bloody go crazy at him and would give plenty back, but he doesn't like being shouted at, so instead takes this passive/aggressive role, which he seems to be getting rather too good at.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:03

I need some Transactional Analysis training Grin I had a book once, but dunno where it's gone.

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/02/2011 21:03

Could you stop cooking for him? Washing his clothes etc?

What would he do about it?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 21:05

"you've had this virus for 27 years. I think it's time you went to the GP. You clearly have a terrible disease. Or maybe you could stop pretending to be ill every time I ask something perfectly reasonable of you that any normal man would be happy to contribute to the bloody family."

I think you need to tell him straight. He's full of crap and you know he's full of crap.

"If you don't want to lift a finger, say so, but stop giving me this virus bullshit because I am fast losing respect for you."

mumonthenet · 13/02/2011 21:05

Got to go out. back later.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:06

He'd leave his clothes on the floor in the bedroom for me to setmyneckon-- walk around and he can cook, so he'd manage there. I try not to do too much for him specifically, it's just the general housework/cleaning that he doesn't do. He can take care of himself when he needs to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:07

How can you live with his man-child ?

He sounds like an absolute twat and has done such a number on you that you doubt yourself

Get yourself some individual counselling to find out why you are appeasing and babying such an inadequate man

You didn't dare give him a jokey mug ?

dear god

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:09

He defends his illness like a mother defends her child Hmm

I have told him he's being ridiculous and hasn't got a virus because cold viruses don't last that long, but he goes crazy. I've told him he must be very ill and needs blood tests, but he knows I'm just being sarcastic Angry

He has this 'illness' down to a fine art. I shudder to think what he'd be like if he really was ill or if I'd even notice Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:10

I am going to have cbt at some point soon. I do get depressed about it and take meds, but they're not miracle buttons and I do still get pissed off quite a lot.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:11

fgs, you are enabling him

he goes crazy ?

that man would be "going crazy" out of my eye-line, that is for sure

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:12

dump the husband

I think you will find your mental health will improve immeasurably

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:12

Is it too obvious to say that living with him is making you feel taken advantage of and it's adding to your depression?

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:13

I know, it's true. People in my life have had me like this before and I seem to fall for it over and over again.

Thing is, the others were abusive, whereas he's 'nice' and I do love him. I'm not a doormat though and recognise what's happening. I just need that extra oomph to say enough is enough and then take the right attitude to sort it out.

OP posts: