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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you cope with people who go off it when you try to challenge them?

68 replies

ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 20:05

I often feel as though I'm being held to ransom in my own home because if I do ever complain to dh about his behaviour he just turns it round on me and creates such hassle that I wish I hadn't bothered Hmm

There's no violence or nastiness involved, I just feel like he's got me where he wants me by throwing these tantrums. I don't really like conflict and it's a huge mental effort to bring anything up that I'm not happy with. He's just so touchy and awkward. I feel like I'm living with a 12 year old silly girl, not a grown man Sad

Is it worth trying to be more assertive or just continue as I am, biting my tongue and hoping he just snaps out of it?

It's getting annoying, I feel like I'm a single parent to three kids, not married with two Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:15

It is depressing being taken advantage of. You just feel like a total idiot and mega resentful to boot.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:15

what will it take ?

you know the score, you say

so do something, or put up with it

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:16

How old are the dc?

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:21

They're 6 and 12.

I'm definitely going to do something about it as it's getting ridiculous.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:27

I am really sorry to sound so harsh, ILMH, but you doing nothing is just contributing to the situation

I don't mean it's your fault (I would never say that) but you have to stop making excuses for really bad behaviour

his bad behaviour is not your responsibility...so stop taking the consequences of it

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:27

Are you prepared to tell him, shape up or ship out?

I can only suggest Relate for both of you, if he's not prepared to partake in that then you have your answer - he's happy with the status quo and isn't prepared to change.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:40

I have suggested marriage counselling, but he wasn't keen on the idea. I don't think he wants to admit that there's a problem, but I told him this morning that the marriage is crap and I'm struggling. He's been a bit more helpful today, but it probably won't last.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:42

Why would he? He clearly is very happy with the situation - he is continually chosing to do as he pleases and you let him/put up with it.

Sad
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:45
Sad

I know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:50

Really sorry, love x

Sympathy isn't what you really need though, is it ?

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:53

Can you find it in yourself to tell him that if he isn't prepared to do marriage counselling then the relationship is over?

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:53

I need a strategy!

What do I say when he starts this virus thing and what do I do when he starts kicking off/tantruming when I ask him to do something?

How do I help things become more equal?

I've already steered him towards helping ds2 with his homework as I have plenty to do with ds1 and the house/job etc. He seems to be doing it after a fashion.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 21:56

I'm not in a position to hand out ultimatums at the moment. This marriage has to be made to work for various reasons, so I must change how I deal with him and try to stop being the sort of person who does so much stuff. I do the same at work and knock myself out sometimes. I don't know why I'm like this. I just feel guilt if I see someone struggling, even if they're putting it on.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 13/02/2011 21:58

I really don't know.

EVerytime he starts can you come out with a phrase "If you're not prepared to pull your weight then I'd rather be on my own - you choose" and then walk off an leave him to Shock

It's sort of how you pull a pre-schooler up isn't it. You give them the choice and not react/give them the attention for acting up.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 21:58

You can't tell him how to be a decent partner/husband

You can't micro-manage every aspect of his behaviour

he is a grown man

if he doesn't see a problem, your relationship is doomed, sooner if not later

I vote relationship counselling or bust

he clearly thinksy our opinion is of little value...hopefully a 3rd party might shine a light on his self-absorption

personally, I don't think so

he sounds like an archetypal mummy's boy, who found a new mummy in you

now whether you are happy to continue in that role is up to you

but I wouldn't recommend it

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 22:01

No, I'm not happy in this role which is why I need to find a way of stopping it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 22:04

you said upthread this relationship had to work

therein lies your problem

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 22:04

I think the sort of response I posted is something that is worth trying - you would have to repeat it ad nauseum for several weeks I reckon to start see a change.

You need to put the responsibility back on him for his behaviour by ignoring his tantrums and whining.

He isn't sounding much of a catch at the moment!

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 22:11

It does have to work for several reasons. I can't just give up on it, we have to sort it out and I have to stand my ground. I get on okay with him when he's not whining, we don't argue, perhaps that's the problem.

CarGirl, your response sounded good, I'm going to try that.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 13/02/2011 22:12

Try tape recording him when he's in whine mode and play it back Grin

Original poster
ilovemyhens · 13/02/2011 22:13

Grin that sounds like a good idea. Might shock him.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 13/02/2011 22:16

Sounds like some rows may actually achieve something in the long run tbh Confused

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 22:18

If you will not walk away no matter what , you have no bargaining leeway

you are wasting your time, sorry

put up and shut up

CarGirl · 13/02/2011 22:20

I do think AF has a point.

Another approach is to accept you won't stay together longer term and start putting money away and make an exit plan.