I wish I felt wanted and special, maybe even loved

[SilveryMoon]

I need to rant about my shit dp (again)!
He is just one big, lazy, selfish git IMO.
We both work full time (after me being at SAHM for 3.5yrs, returned to work in october), but I am still doing mostly everything around the house. And with the dc's.

He has just had the past week off work on annual leave. He said he'd keep the dc's at home and not send them to the CM, which I was really pleased with (we have argued about him not doing this in the past and me not understanding why he doesn't want to spend time with the dc's).
Anyway, God, I can't even be arsed to bore anyone reading this.
Basically, he did nothing with the boys, they just watched telly for the week.
He did no housework at all bar 1 pile of ironing, no food shopping so I was still getting the odd bits on my way home from work (which in itself is no great drama, but I've never made him go shopping on his way home from work)
It just makes me so fucking angry that he can't do anything to help.
Anything I ask him to do is a massive chore and he spends the whole time huffing like a c hild (he is 40).

I am so fed up.

He's just rubbish. he never buys me flowers, he didn't get me anything for my birthday (or from the kids), I bet I won't get anything on monday.

I would love to feel special and wanted. To feel like he appreciates and loves me, but I doubt he does.
I'm starting to think the only reason we are still together is because it's easy and neither of us can be bothered with the hassle of leaving

what does he say when you tell him all this?

I haven't said anything in a long time now. Got fed up of asking for help and having the same conversation over and over.

oh dear, doesn't sound good for you.

Does he have a stressful job that he really needed a rest from - hence why he may have done bugger all?

Why are you taking seperate annual leave?

I don't think his job is massively stressful. He does have a manual job in maintenance and repair work for a railway company.
We are on separate leave because he needed to take his unused days before the end of this month and I work in a school so can only take half terms.
he is off for half term as well, and tbh, I am dreading it.
He will lay in every day and I will not get a rest, he won't want to do anything with us, but will come along anyway and just fucking moan.
Our youngest ds has just turned 2. He doesn't like being in pushchair so I let him walk unless I am in a huge rush. Dp just gets tressed out with it.

I don't even know what to do

Other people have said the same megs
Part of me wonders whether he actually realises what and how I feel.
he must know I'm not happy. We rarely have a conversation, I go to bed on my own not long after the dc's, we very rarely have sex (because I don't often want to)
I am compulsively eating.
And I am now sitting here on the sofa crying.
He is sitting across the room and hasn't even asked what's wrong

Ok. I need your help then ladies.

How to I get dp to see how I am feeling. What do I say without upsetting him (asuming he does actually care)? I don't think I want to get to the point where we are saying this isn't working and part, I just think I need to address feelings. Again.
But then what's the point in saying it again? Things won't change

This sounds like a familiar story and I'm sure there are many women who will be able to empathise with you. My daughter is in a similar circumstance. As a nurse, she works two jobs. One in the local hospital and as a GP practice nurse. With two kids 2 and 4, life is really busy for her. Her partner is a "hobbies" bloke and that is what his passion is in life and he was raised as a selfish bastard to be very frank about it. I don't dislike him at all and he has a lot of other good qualities but he is not family centred and does seem to be able to accept that the kids need to come first and not his needs. I used to have the kids on a Saturday with DD was at hospital but I was really looking after them for him and not her so I have recently stopped so it forces him to take some responsibility when DD is not there. She left him last year as she had reached the end of her tether but despite these issues, they do love each other and are close so she went back and puts up with the situation. What I always say is that the age of equality is still a very long way off, particularly on the domestic front. I know there are a lot of brilliant dads and husbands out there but there are still a lot that believe we are still living in the 1950's thanks to their mums! I don't have any answers but just wanted to empathise with you!

Thanks textualhealing (love the name btw)
So you think I should jut accept that this is what my life is like?

The only thing I'm worried about with that is looking elsewhere for that special feeling, for some attention, and a bit of emotional support.

I wonder if this is why his ex-wife cheated and they are now separated?

SilveryMoon, that sounds awful. The only thing I can think of is that you have to tell him exactly this, what you've told us, not just 'you never do this this or this' but in terms of how it makes you feel - unloved, unwanted, uncared for, and what will happen if things carry on like this. I'd give it one last shot talking to him, then maybe give megs suggestion a try, informing him of exactly what you will and won't be doing.

I really hope you find a way to make this work.

Not even making a fuss of you on your birthday is really low :(

robber It wasn't all bad, he did take me to the local Harvester for dinner.
We were home for 9:30pm so was out for 2 hours.

maybe it's just me, that whatever he does is never good enough. Maybe that's my fault and not his.
Like my birthday, I just told you I didn't get anything, but I failed to mention that he took me for dinner, so maybe I'm ignoring the nicer things?

Shit. He just asked me what's the matter (am still sat here crying) and I said "nothing"
Fucking idiot

meg you don't sound like a self help guru (not that I know what one sounds like) I just wanted to see if I'd understood what you'd said right.
I do love him, I think. Well, actually I don't know anymore.
Like I said earlier, it's just easy to carry on.
If I left I'd have to find somewhere to live, I'd have to stop work, I'd struggle financially, but then maybe all that is the price to pay to rid myself of this constant feeling of resentment?

Completely turning this on its head though for a second, have you asked him what you can do to make him feel more loved? That's probably the last thing you feel like doing, as you're giving so much already. But with my H, for a long time I thought I was showing my love for him through cooking, housework, looking after the kids. And he appreciates that, but what makes him really feel special is giving him time - sitting down with him in the evenings, having and glass of wine and a fag together, going on "dates" (and more sex, obv). And he now gets that what makes me feel loved is when he does things that I ask him to do.

Just a thought, might be an intetesting exercise if you can bear it!

That's interesting robber That might be the case. I know he feels neglected sexually.
I did on tuesday (I think) make an effort in the bedroom and we did have sex.
He was still in bed the following morning when I left for work (I leave at 6am) so I left him a note asking him to sweep and mop living room floor and change ds1's bed because he'd leaked through his nappy.
I got home at 6pm and did all that myself.

Maybe I could ask him what I can do to make him happier.
I have done this in the past and he said nothing, so what do I do/say if he says that again?

Silvery Moon - I couldn't answer that for you as you need to take so much into consideration but my DD gave her chap some ultimatums, left and then realised that the good outweighed the bad. I read your post again and what really comes through is his indifference to you and the kids and if I'm guessing, that is the real problem for you. If it were me, I would try again and discuss the matter calmly, maybe over a meal or something and if things don't change and you don't want to carry on this way, then you could suggest counselling. Relationships are so complex and I am no expert - having opted out for so long!! But I do feel for you. Being a mother is the most important thing you will ever do and support and appreciation from the children's father is not too much to expect. You're not being unreasonable and you need to keep that in mind.

I don't know megs I doubt he'd do anything like that.
So, I stop doing his ironing, washing his clothes, cooking his dinner?

Or maybe he thinks that I should be doing all of this as he pays 100% of bills, mortgage etc.

He doesn't give me an allowance or anything, I just keep his bank card and spend what I need.

What strikes me about this is that you aren't talking. He's not a mind reader, and neither are you. He's just asked you what's wrong and you said nothing. He's probably just as confused as you are about what's goign on. You both need to stop assuming the other one knows what's going on in your head.

That could be it, I think my H did think that his financial provision excused him from other things. Could you use his money to pay for a cleaner? Wouldn't solve the problem of his indifference (if that is the case), but might make you feel less stressed and burdened.

If you have a job why are you not contributing?