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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I wish I felt wanted and special, maybe even loved

75 replies

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 06:57

I need to rant about my shit dp (again)!
He is just one big, lazy, selfish git IMO.
We both work full time (after me being at SAHM for 3.5yrs, returned to work in october), but I am still doing mostly everything around the house. And with the dc's.

He has just had the past week off work on annual leave. He said he'd keep the dc's at home and not send them to the CM, which I was really pleased with (we have argued about him not doing this in the past and me not understanding why he doesn't want to spend time with the dc's).
Anyway, God, I can't even be arsed to bore anyone reading this.
Basically, he did nothing with the boys, they just watched telly for the week.
He did no housework at all bar 1 pile of ironing, no food shopping so I was still getting the odd bits on my way home from work (which in itself is no great drama, but I've never made him go shopping on his way home from work)
It just makes me so fucking angry that he can't do anything to help.
Anything I ask him to do is a massive chore and he spends the whole time huffing like a c hild (he is 40).

I am so fed up.

He's just rubbish. he never buys me flowers, he didn't get me anything for my birthday (or from the kids), I bet I won't get anything on monday.

I would love to feel special and wanted. To feel like he appreciates and loves me, but I doubt he does.
I'm starting to think the only reason we are still together is because it's easy and neither of us can be bothered with the hassle of leaving

OP posts:

fairyfart · 12/02/2011 11:05

Oh and forget the counselling.
If he needs someone else to tell him how to treat his family, then what's the point?

ivykaty44 · 12/02/2011 11:08

what does he say when you tell him all this?

I haven't said anything in a long time now. Got fed up of asking for help and having the same conversation over and over.

OP you didn't answer the question, you told me that you havn't spoken to him about this for a long period, you told me that you have done this several times -but you didn't actually answer the question what does he say when you tell him how you feel. That is part of the problem you are not talking and not listening and if you can both start doign that it will help.

I am really sorry to seem so critical but I hope you can see I am trying to juts get you to talk to him so he underatands - and you listen to him and what he says -Hope thta makes sense

BoffinMum · 12/02/2011 11:08

Well I think I envisaged a sort of Stepford wife state of being as the OP touched on this. However that stage could of course be ommitted (I would probably last a day doing it).

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 11:09

Just on way out but will read through better later.
Yes he is 11 years older than me.

He has just helped me with the housework without me asking, he hoovered whilst I mopped.

Taking the kids to town bow.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, will be back later x

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 11:09

Just on way out but will read through better later.
Yes he is 11 years older than me.

He has just helped me with the housework without me asking, he hoovered whilst I mopped.

Taking the kids to town bow.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, will be back later x

OP posts:

fairyfart · 12/02/2011 11:12

Silvery, are you taking the DCs to town so DH can sleep. Well, he must be exhausted after hoovering.[hmmm]

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 11:34

Lol fairy. No he has come too. We're all in the car now.

Have scanned through.

Ivy, last time I wrote all this down in a make or break letter, left it on my pillow whilst he slept and went out for the day. I ended letter by saying I needed change and I outlined what exactly I wanted and said if he felt able to meet me in the middle to call me and we could discuss it in evening.
If I didn't hear from him I would stay at my mum's with kids until he decided if he still wanted us and what he was prepared to do for that.

He phoned and said he loved us all and would do anything to keep us.
Things improved for a few weeks but sliupped again somewhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 11:34

Lol fairy. No he has come too. We're all in the car now.

Have scanned through.

He phoned and said he loved us all and would do anything to keep us.
Things improved for a few weeks but sliupped again somewhere.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 11:43

Hence my point about nothing in the long term changing. He is quite happy with things as they are so won't make any long term changes. He just tells you what you want to hear at the time to keep you from "nagging" him further.

You are a fool to your own self if you remain with such an individual.

I think you're right; you're together now because its easy and it saves the hassle of leaving. I note as well you are not married to him so your rights are in themselves limited. And have you ever wondered why he has not married you even after 2 children?.

You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him.

Would you want your boys as adults to treat their partners the same way as you are currently?. No?. Well what you are showing them currently is that all this is acceptable to you.

hillyhilly · 12/02/2011 11:51

I don't want to get flamed and I do totally agree that your DH is being a lazy selfish arse.............but, I do think that so many men are brought up by indulgent mothers that they genuinely don't realise just how much work goes into keeping a house running, and that they should do their fair share. They are lazy arses at heart and don't seem to have the problem with watching somebody else run themselves ragged that mose women would have - a lack of empathy maybe? This is not to excuse them, but you were very clear once before and he pulled his socks up, why did you let it slip? (or let him let it slip)
It sounds incredibly patronising but I do think that some men need to be trained, like dogs and dcs out of their bad habits and into good ones, it can take a long time and a huge amount of effort to change a lifetime's behaviour - some men are worth that and willing to put the effort in to make those changes - its up to you to decide whether he is one of those.
BTW I do know that there are some sweeping generalisations about men in what I have written, and that there are many men who don't need their arses kicked to pull their weight, I'm just saying that there are many that do.

ivykaty44 · 12/02/2011 11:52

so he knows that he can say the right make the right motions and then carry on as before.

Sorry but upping and leaving to make your point didn't work - that may have been dramatic, he may have got a big message but it wasn't the message you wanted him to get as it didn't change.

You went back into the house and when he stopped doing things - you started doing them, as he did less you did more, you then told him you didn't like this but carried on doing the things around the house etc that he didn't do and that was the message you gave him.

It doesn't work - sorry.

You need to stop being his cleaner, mother and housekeeper

Then

talk

missmehalia · 12/02/2011 12:06

I'd agree with those on here who say that you could choose to do less of HIS stuff.

To try (?) and understand him, though, even if I don't agree with his laziness, it could just be a bit more complex than that. It's hard to help an angry person. Also, if he had less contact with his dad when he was young, then he needs to build his confidence slowly with the kids - he had no good parenting role models for fathering.

It might be easier for him if you start by saying something like 'thanks for asking what's wrong. I do feel upset, I feel very put-upon, and as if our roles in the family aren't at all equal. I'm so tired, and I think doing so much in the house has created that. I'd like us to start talking again, but it's hard when I feel so angry and tired. Could we talk about splitting the housework equally according to the time we've each got at home, and then when that's going better we could make other things better between us? Do you feel you're getting a raw deal too?'

That way, even if you don't agree with a word he says, you're saying how you feel, and how he can make a positive difference. In return, you're also leaving him a door open to talk to you. It could be that he's happier to do more housework while you do more of the parenting? Whatever arrangement works for you both is right for you - none of us can sit in judgement. It's up to the two of you.

And if this doesn't work, I do think some of the more hardline strategies on here might be called for.

I really feel for you. You're not being unreasonable.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 12:12

How absolutely typical that you had to resort to leaving a letter on a pillow

and it didn't work anyway

like so many lazy and self-entitled people he upped his game for a short while and then when you STFU he slipped back into being a disrespectful slob

you will be living in this cycle or he rest of your marriage unil he takes you seriously

you moaning for a bit, but sill enabling his teenagerdom is a complete waste of time, I am afraid

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 13:26

Thanks everyone.

He hasn't married me because he hasn't yet divorced his wife despite being separated for 7/8 years.
We have been together for nearly 5.

I publicly slated him on fb, well not slated but said I was fed up. And felt unloved. His sister came on piping up and has text him etc.
I told him what I put but he is yet to see it....
Was probably a bit out of order but needed to get it out. I didn't say anything really bad

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 12/02/2011 13:43

Has my exh moved in with you? mine thought "i go to work and earn a good wage, end of!!" well eventually it was end of, the end of his marriage, your hubby sounds lazy, but i agree with others on here try to talk and keep talking, it wont necessarily sort it out but if you decide somewhere down the line its still not working out, at least you know you gave it your best shot.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 14:06

oh no, not FB slating

was that meant to help ?

why does his sister have to tell him how to take care of his relaionship ?

I think the biggest problem here is communication, and you are just as bad as him if the best you can manage is a FB tantrum

ivykaty44 · 12/02/2011 14:07

it is well out of order airing your dirty laundry on facebook, your not `13 years old.

grow up and make some choices in a mature way and then you may well get a mature relationship

robberbutton · 12/02/2011 14:13

I was just about to post "oh no, not FB... :( " and thought others would probably feel the same!

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 14:14

< wanders off... >

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 14:20

it is very hard to haave a face to face conversation with someone who doesn't seem to take anything on board, hence the letter last time, and I didn't have a tantrum, not at all, I stated I was fed up and wanted some support from dp, hardly a tantrum.

OP posts:

ImFab · 12/02/2011 14:28

Think back to when things changed. Did he do something that upset you and that ate away at your love for him or did you stop loving him and that is why his not wanting to be a grown up annoys you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 15:44

If it also needs his sister to tell him how to conduct himself within a relationship then you are truly on hiding to nothing.

Why on earth are you with someone like this in the first place?. Because you love him?.
He is so lazy as well he cannot even begin to start proceedings to divorce. His relationship history is poor to say the very least and now you've had two children by him!. You probably thought you could change him - wrong on all counts there. My guess as well is that his marriage ended because he was a lazy sod within that as well. He has found you easier to control and he has you where he wants you now.

And why use bloody FB as well to talk to him, you are not 12 for goodness sake. Get off of FB altogether, you do not need that social network site at all in your life.

missmehalia · 12/02/2011 16:25

Agreed. Be the change you want to see. You'd hate it if he wrote something derogatory about you on FB.

fairyfart · 12/02/2011 17:45

MMM, my DH wrote something derogatory about me on childbook facebook.
THAT really pissed me off which is another reson I am planning a 'summit'.
If you do decide to stay with this bloke, get off Facebook, tell him to get a divorce, and give him an ultimatum of change or lose me.

biryani · 12/02/2011 18:57

You seem to be trying very hard,silvery. I am in exactly the same situation-making all the compromises while he does exactly what he pleases when it suits him. When he asked me to lend him some money recently to bail him out of a cashflow crisis (he set up a business after being made redundant, without discussion with me), I refused and told him to sell his house and car. He hasn't, but his attitude to me has changed since I stood up to him (for the better). I agree with robberbutton that you perhaps need to make small, practical changes to your life to start off with. Remember that your future lies in your hands.

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