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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I wish I felt wanted and special, maybe even loved

75 replies

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 06:57

I need to rant about my shit dp (again)!
He is just one big, lazy, selfish git IMO.
We both work full time (after me being at SAHM for 3.5yrs, returned to work in october), but I am still doing mostly everything around the house. And with the dc's.

He has just had the past week off work on annual leave. He said he'd keep the dc's at home and not send them to the CM, which I was really pleased with (we have argued about him not doing this in the past and me not understanding why he doesn't want to spend time with the dc's).
Anyway, God, I can't even be arsed to bore anyone reading this.
Basically, he did nothing with the boys, they just watched telly for the week.
He did no housework at all bar 1 pile of ironing, no food shopping so I was still getting the odd bits on my way home from work (which in itself is no great drama, but I've never made him go shopping on his way home from work)
It just makes me so fucking angry that he can't do anything to help.
Anything I ask him to do is a massive chore and he spends the whole time huffing like a c hild (he is 40).

I am so fed up.

He's just rubbish. he never buys me flowers, he didn't get me anything for my birthday (or from the kids), I bet I won't get anything on monday.

I would love to feel special and wanted. To feel like he appreciates and loves me, but I doubt he does.
I'm starting to think the only reason we are still together is because it's easy and neither of us can be bothered with the hassle of leaving

OP posts:

anais53 · 12/02/2011 08:18

I just wanted to say I was in a marriage like this before I got divorced. We were leading parallel lives, I felt huge resentment toward him and there was no intimacy. Eventually, and after Relate, it went tits up.

I hope you can find a way to make it work but wanted to add that if it doesn't, it is possible to rebuild your life and be far far happier on your own. Even if you have kids. I know. Because I've been there. All the best.

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 08:23

BooBooGlass I don't earn much. I don't drive, I pay for my travel, I pay for the child-minder and I pay for all food and anything kids need. So i do more than contribute thank you.
I went back to work because i was really unhappy at home and thought things might get a bit better if I had something else in my life.
And I have lost count of the number of times I have tried to talk to him. I'm at the stage now where i jusst can't be bothered with it.
if he cared, he'd have showed me long before now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 08:36

Maybe I am BU.
He does pay all bills etc, he pays for my mobile.
He will wash up if I'm in a foul mood.

Maybe he's right that nothing will ever be good enough in my eyes.
It probably is all me in the wrong.

Maybe it's not me who deserves better, maybe it's him. Maube he could do better than me

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 08:36

Maybe I am BU.
He does pay all bills etc, he pays for my mobile.
He will wash up if I'm in a foul mood.

Maybe he's right that nothing will ever be good enough in my eyes.
It probably is all me in the wrong.

Maybe it's not me who deserves better, maybe it's him. Maube he could do better than me

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 08:40

Silvery,

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Or are you staying because at heart you are afraid of becoming a single parent to two boys. You have two children, you do not need a self centered manchild to run around after as well.

What are you both teaching your boys about relationships here?. Two words actually suffice - damaging lessons. Your man probably had a mother who did everything for him whilst his dad just sat there and he has learnt from that. You are currently teaching your children the same. At the very least you are showing them that all this is acceptable to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 08:42

"Maybe it's not me who deserves better, maybe it's him. Maube he could do better than me"

Turn that thought around; you do deserve better and so do your children. You are now stopping your own self from ultimately meeting someone else.

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 08:47

I've never met his mum, he doesn't have anything to do with her.
From what I can gather she is just a selfish cow, but don't know.
his parents separated wheb he was young so I don't think he had anyone to show him how to be a man. His mother stopped conact between her dc's and their father.
Dp didn't see his father until he was 18

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 08:47

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 08:51

That was and is awful for your man re his parents but you cannot stay with such an individual out of pity.

You still deserve better and so do your children.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 09:04

Honestly, it sounds shit. He sounds a shit husband and a shit father. I am sorry. You sound like a star.

You need to tell him that you are exhausted and unhappy and that you cant go on being the only person who does housework. Tell him it is so bad that you are considering divorce, because without having HIS stuff to launder and him to clean up after, you will have less housework. That is how bad it is.

If you both work full time, the chores should be split evenly. If you both work, you should have the same amount left each month for "your selves", and it should not be you paying for everything child related. They are his children too, and so his responsibility, too. He needs to understand this.

To me it seems like he has decided that it is your decision to work, so you will have to fit in work along with all the same stuff you do as a sahm. This could be his way of forcing you to give up work, maybe he is trying to make you realize that you have to stop working for your own sanity. But that is not the solution. The point is you want to work, be independent, you should not be forced to stay at home just because he decides he should not have to do any chores.

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 09:10

This is true shadows.

What I really need before I approach this again with him is somekind of rota maybe for chores, some kind of way to work out all incomings and outgoings and split it so we both pay a fair amount for everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 09:10

This is true shadows.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 09:23

Another thing that really winds me up is that I get up at 5am every morning. It takes me roughly 2 hours to get to work (on public transport) and 2 hours to get home.
I Leave the house at 6am ish, so between 5 and 6am I will get myself dressed and ready for work, get the boys dressed etc for their day and dp gets up 5 mins before we all leave the house.
If he got up half an hour earlier, I could get up half an hour later.
I have suggested it, but nothing happened.
When I get home, I sit with the boys, talk about their day, then bath them, dress them for bed, read a story, put them to bed, then get their bags and lunches etc ready for the next day, wash up and clean kitchen, try to do another housework job, which is not always possible. Sit down for dinner, then I am in bed for 8:30pm because I'm knackered.
I work with autistic children and can often come home upset, frustrated and exhausted.
On a saturday, I will catch up with all housework and try to take the boys out, even for just a walk around the shops whilst dp sleeps, although he does come sometimes. Then sat afternoon I will do the food shop for the week.
Sunday I cook all dinners for the week ahead as the dc's are far too tired to wait for me to cook on the day.
Then I have a driving lesson and then it's time to pack up bags ready for monday morning again.
What a depressing weekend.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 12/02/2011 09:23

If you pay for the childcare then yes you're very much contributing, childcare is usually one of the biggest costs for a family, for us it would be very nearly as much as our mortgage payment every month (in fact it would be a lot more if we had more than one DC!). So he isn't paying for 'everything' by a long way and he needs to realise that!

If you're both working then you should be splitting the chores etc more or less evenly, it doesn't matter IMO who earns more. I agree about not running around after him doing his washing and ironing etc for him, you're not his servant!

And if he wants more sex and intimacy with you, has he considered that you might feel more like it if you weren't exhausted from going out to work plus doing all the work of a housewife on top of that? And that him behaving like a 40 year old sulky child is probably quite unattractive and offputting to you?

Original poster

SilveryMoon · 12/02/2011 09:26

I should probably add, the cm is actually an unregistered nanny. She is a friend of mine and is charging very little so that I am able to work.
It means that from my wages, after I've paid her, then travel money I have about £200 left over which goes on food.

OP posts:

melodyangel · 12/02/2011 09:29

Slivery I really feel for you. Have been in that situation with DP. It took a long time, a lot of talking and many tears to get things sorted. We did get there so it can be done but only if you really want to stay together.

Thinking of you.

verytellytubby · 12/02/2011 09:35

Your life sounds exhausting. Your DH is fucking lazy. You should show him this thread. Where's the teamwork? Joy? Happiness? Fun?

We have a joint bank account, a seperate bill account so have equal amounts to spend as I earn a pittance compared to my DH.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 12/02/2011 10:24

Oh Silvery Moon I'm so sorry you're having to live like this.

Actually posts like this make me really f**king angry. It's 2011. Why are women still living like this? Why do men still feel they are entitled to treat women as their own personal domestic slaves? Why why why?

Time to get angry Silvery Moon. Your husband has no respect for you whatsoever. He will sit there with his feet up and watch you run yourself into the ground with exhaustion.

He is not your partner. He is not your friend. He does not have your best interests at heart. He doesn't care.

I'm so sorry. x

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 10:31

What MYODD said

This is an intrinsically selfish man

I think you are right about why his previous marriage split up

he must have been rubbing his hands in saisfacion when he replaced his last domestic servand wih another one

I don't like him, and I totally understand why you don't like him much either

his poor relationship wih his parents is significant too...but not in any way that excuses his poor reamen of you

being a self-absorbed twat will kill your relaionship eventually, just like his last one

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 10:33

sorry about the spelling mistakes...keyboard plays up

put some t 's in there, and it might make sense

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 10:40

"What I really need before I approach this again with him is somekind of rota maybe for chores, some kind of way to work out all incomings and outgoings and split it so we both pay a fair amount for everything".

But you've tried all this before and nothing in long term changes. You are flogging a dead horse and now your boys are learning that its okay for Mum to slog away whilst Dad does not.

All you can do is change how you react to him.

Is he a lot older (say 10 years or more) than you?.

robberbutton · 12/02/2011 10:46

Have you talked about his first marriage and why that ended? I can imagine that you saying to him that things have got to change or else your relationship will go the same way might be v hard, if not impossible, for him to hear. He might be immediately on the defensive, think 'this is happening again, all women are the same', which will prevent you having a productive conversation and you getting your point across.

I in no way want to excuse him, I think agree with everything everyone else is saying. Couldn't believe your post about what you did every day! Sounds heroic :( But it might be that his baggage is stopping him being able to give you what you need. If he cares about your relationship he'll work to fix it (counselling?), if not, I don't know what there is left that you can do on your own.

BoffinMum · 12/02/2011 10:49

You have a self-centred man on your hands.
You would like a partner. Which is not unreasonable in this day and age.

You options are, as I see them:

Counselling at Relate
Pre-announced housework strike with conditions
Talking to all your parents and getting them to have a word
Giving up work and being some kind of Stepford wife.
Asking him to leave and finding someone else who is more considerate.

I would work down the list in that order, myself.

fairyfart · 12/02/2011 11:03

OP completely understand your situation.
I however do not go to work, basically because, like your DH mine would say well you want to go to work, you pay for it, ie childcare, which for 3 DC's would kill me!
Your DH gets out of bed 5 mins before he goes to work? Mine too, so get no help in mornings.
You take DC's for a walk round shops so he can sleep at home? Mine just slobs in front of TV and actually shuts the living room door on us!
So rude.
He is so like mine too regarding Ex wife and why they split...basically cos he was a crap husband who spent all his spare time out doing his hobbies. And a crap dad cos he never wanted to spend time with them at weekends. (I know this because I heard it from his ex).
Talk about history repeating itself, you think he would have learnt by now!

Anyway, I have decided that I am going to force the issue when we go out for a meal in a couple of weeks time.
If I get no joy then as far as I'm concerned that's it. And I will NOT be moving out. I will move into another bedroom, claim benefits and let him do his own bloody housework.
My priority will be my DC's.
Maybe you should consider putting you and your DCs first too, for a change. We can only take so much crap before we crack.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 12/02/2011 11:04

In that order BoffinMum?

So giving up work to become some sort of Stepford wife is preferable to asking him to leave???

My personal feeling is that counselling e.c.t. would be a waste of time. That is because this mans core belief is that he is entitled to have a woman be his domestic servant. If deep down he did not believe this, he would never have allowed this situation to come about.

Counselling can be incredibly helpful in terms of helping people understand where certain behaviours and feelings come from, and helping them to try to change behaviours and thought patterns that do not ultimately serve them. But it does not and cannot change peoples core beliefs. Especially when those beliefs serve them very well thank you very much.

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