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Original poster

am i wrong to not let him see the kids

57 replies

dizzy36 · 11/02/2011 15:24

my husband walked out on me and my kids 4 weeks ago. he lives nearby. short story, noticed a womans handbag, birthday card, champagne and an overnight bag in his kitchen. rang his doorbell, after half an hour he answered, looked like he'd just had a shower and was in his jammies (was 11am). the 'lady' was still in his house! next day he told me it was a one night stand. I don't beleive him. he also got physical with me. everything about it suggests a pre-arranged date. I also peeked through the following and there was two of everything on the drainer. I have asked for some space to digest what has happened. he was supposed to see my son on sunday but i have said no...i don't know what he is doing in that house and who with. am i wrong to want some space, he has really chipped at my spirit last few months and need to recharge if i am to raise my two kids on my own. i don't beleive i am using the kids against him, am i?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/02/2011 15:27

Yes you are using the children against him. They have just as much right to see their father as they have to see you.

Very sorry for what's happened to you but you need to seperate out your feelings from what's best for the children - it's almost always best for the children to have good relationships with both parents.

dontdillydally · 11/02/2011 15:28

Try and keep the two separate if not for the children.

He maybe a crap husband but he and your children must be allowed to continue their relationship.

He must also put his cards on the table and tell you the truth .. is he in a relationship, did he leave you for this OW, if so get the truth then take one step at a time.

Although it is a way of hurting, getting him back imo I really dont think anything will be achieved by refusing to allow him to see the children.

btw...Im so sorry for the pain your goign through, must be heartbreaking

hairylights · 11/02/2011 15:28

Yes, you are.

I completely understand how hard it is fir you, but you have no right to withdraw access . They are his children as well as yours.

You are very hurt, but what has to take priority is what is right for the children, and that has to be maintaining a
relationship with both parents.

You also have no right to veto who he has at his house , and as hard as it is, who he introduces to his children.

AttillaTheMum · 11/02/2011 15:33

I don't think you should keep the DC away from your EH but I would ask him not to introduce them to the OW. It is too soon for them and will be very confusing.

loopylou6 · 11/02/2011 15:35

Yes you're being out of order, children are human, not pawns to be used in adult problems.

corlan · 11/02/2011 15:57

It's really hard and it's really early days for you but you would be wrong to stop your children seeing their Dad so that you can have 'space'.
Use the time that they are with him to recharge your spirit, eventually you will come to value the time you get to yourself.

fivegomadindorset · 11/02/2011 15:59

Yes you are, don't use your children as a manipulation, the only people you will end up hurting are them.

pascoe28 · 11/02/2011 16:02

YABVU - you are hurting right now, which is understandable...but this is no reason to punish your children.

Please, don't be selfish over this.

Original poster
dizzy36 · 11/02/2011 16:06

i totally understand what your saying but why do my instincts as a mum tell me that this man that was my husband is putting himself before his children.

he only left 4 weeks ago and the children are still adjusting to this. why should they have to adjust to his moving on to other women on top of that. and i'm sorry but i have every right to have a say in who they see. if he hasnt got the sense to know that access is about him and the children and not every passing girlfriend then i will make sure he knows it. It would be different if it was a serious relationship.

prior to recent events he was coming to the house regularly to see the kids but now i can't allow that because he has been violent towards me (albeit it was just a shove but scared the pants off me anyway). He is not able to talk to me calmly about anything and i sincerely beleive he is lying. all this tells me he is not stable enough to consider the childrens feelings.

what was the rush to get his leg over, he should have been thinking about his kids and what they need, he can see they are hurting but all he can think about is pulling women in pubs. Maybe i just have diffent family values to everyone else, I wouldn't bring a man into my life while my children are still young, they need me and there dad at the moment, nobody else.

one of us has to be putting the kids first. they don't cry for him or even ask after him because they didn't see him much before anyway so a few days of not seeing him would not affect them. I tho need to not see him for a few days..i am stuck with him for the rest of my life now so giving myself a few days of peace is not selfish i don't think. i need to be 100% to raise the kids

OP posts:
Smum99 · 11/02/2011 16:09

This is such a shock for you and of course you feel betrayed but please believe over time the feelings of anger will subside and you will feel differently about it. If you act now you are likely to do so for the wrong reasons, if you previously trusted him as a dad, then him having another woman will not change that. Please be guided by what is right for the children, even though you may feel hurt - which is understandable.

The next period of time is a journey - you will have to find out what his motives where for leaving the marriage, you will have to process and recover from that information, you will have to arrange finanical support, you will have to formalise child contact, all of these issues do have to be dealt with but running in parallel to these is the relationship the children have with their father. Imagine the path of child/father relationship as completely separate - do whatever you can to keep it uninterrupted whilst the other path (with you finding out facts, get financial agreements etc) is running alongside. Trust in the long run you will have less problems with the children if you don't act in anger.

You should get some counselling - not because you need it but because you deserve some support to help you.

You don't have to raise the children alone - you can co-parent with their dad but only if you can help to reduce the anger and shock you are now feeling.Long term a healthy relationship with both parents is good for a child, when you are through this horrible stage you will appreciate that you acted in their interests.
Recently someone posted a list of helpful books about separation - it might help to have some background - example how quickly to introduce new parterns to relationships, so you feel you have the experts view if you need to have a discussion with yout ex. Your concern about him introducing a new person too quickly is valid so maybe you need to have that discussion with him and that will help you to feel reassured.

Maelstrom · 11/02/2011 16:10

As much as it may hurt, you need to separate things. I would only advise a reduction of contact if it was in detriment of the children.

Now, what on Earth where you doing peeking through his windows? Now, try to do something positive with that anger and channel it into find solutions to whatever circumstances you are experiencing, to have a better life away of him.

Maelstrom · 11/02/2011 16:11

I mean, if the contact was in detriment of the children

pascoe28 · 11/02/2011 16:19

dizzy36 - preventing a child to have access to its parent is wrong.

And yes, it is your children that have a right to see their father, rather than the other way round.

Stop being selfish and consider them - not what you are kidding yourself to be their feelings but what they are perhaps too scared or nervous to tell you.

What child is going to risk upsetting Mummy by asking to see their Father?!

prh47bridge · 11/02/2011 16:22

I understand your distress but you must put it to one side. Your children have a right to see their father. You may be unhappy about them seeing him with another woman but that is not relevant, I'm afraid. You may think you have the right to a say in who your children see but I'm afraid you are wrong. You have no right to say who your children see while they are with him. Equally, he has no right to say who your children see while they are with you.

If you refuse contact he is entitled to go to court. If that happens he will almost certainly get a contact order unless you can show that he is putting your children at risk. You have said nothing that indicates he is putting them at risk in any way.

You say "it would be different if it was a serious relationship". Bluntly, I don't think it would be. You have no idea whether or not this is a serious relationship. You have already said that you don't believe it was a one night stand. If he does expose your children to a never ending succession of different women they will form their own opinions of his behaviour.

You are hurt. I understand that. Don't let that affect your children's relationship with their father.

lemonstartree · 11/02/2011 16:23

Yes you are doing wrong. Your children need contact with their father. and Im afaid you do not have a right to dictate who he can introduce them too, he has equal parenting responsibilities with you.
Believe me I do know its hard, my STBExH is a manipulative, abusive bully to our children and I cringe when I think of the things he tells them. But I cnt stop him seeing them, so i just have to do the best I can in the majority of the time that they are with me......

silverfrog · 11/02/2011 16:31

sorry, but how did you "notice" the card, handbag and champagne in his kitchen, before you rang the bell to confronthim over htis?

you would absolutely be unreasonable to withhold ocntact over this.

he has doen nothing to make you suspect he woudl not make contact all about the children.

he slept with someone else, in his house, when the children were with you.

he is an adult. he is allowed ot do this. it is no business of yours. you have no reason to suspect this woman oul even be there at contact time, and even so, it is not up to you what your h does with the children at contact, or who he introduces them to.

you might have some rigth to ask that he waits ot introduce them, but they are his children too, and he has as much say as you in this.

you would, quite rightly, be incensed if he suggested what oyu did with the children while they are with you, and where you took them, who they spoke to etc.

your children have every right to see their father. on what you have posted here, you have no basis to withhold contact. you being upset at somehtign he has done is not a reason to make sure he cannot see the children.

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2011 16:38

'and i'm sorry but i have every right to have a say in who they see.'

err,no,you havent!! would you let him interview every plumber,boyfriend,teacheretc etc who come into your life and home???

Original poster
dizzy36 · 11/02/2011 16:40

but its not about anyones rights, its about what is best for the children. and it is not best for the children to see there recently exited father with another woman. this would be both distressing an confusing for them. i know other couples who have split and they only introduce their children to serious new partners not random girlfriends and anyone who doesnt do things in this way is selfish and wrong.

When did i say i was hurt? angry yes, humiliated yes but hurt no. my only concern is for the children and i know my children. they would not be happy to see their father flaunting a new girlfriend. They are hurt enough as it is.

and i cannot beleive the comment about 'they will form there own opinions'. they are 10 and 2, there are some things they do not need to know about their parents. We are the adults not them. why should they be subjected to things unnecessarily, why is it not the better option to keep your love life away from the children if you only see them on the weekends.

and if the father is violent to the mother in front of the children, what then? if he has shown he has a temper who is to say he wouldnt do it in front of them if i allowed him to come to my home.

As parents we have to do whats best for the children regardless of rights, any court will tell you that. and lemonstartree...its about them seeing him not the other way around, if they are happy even with the bullying then fine but if they are not then get them out of that situation

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/02/2011 16:41

for people that dont wish to see the other parent,then there is the third party handover option,so the kids still get to spend time with their dad.....good for situations like this

you do know that you are infringing your childrens rights by keeping them away from their dad dont you?? this will be frowned on if it goes to court.....its part of the childrens act,you need to make sure you are not CONTACT BLOCKING

silverfrog · 11/02/2011 16:45

now that you and your h have split, it is not up to you to ecide when he introduces girlfirends/friends/random people in the park.

it is up to him. he has a relationship with them, and htis is completely between him and them. his time with htem is just that - time with him and them, to do whatever he and they wish to do. it has nothign to do with you.

you cannot control what they do, where they go or who they speak to. you cannot dictate whether he has girlfriends to stay or not.

regarding the violence - again, you have no reason to suspect he would show any of it in front of the children (not going form what you have posted here).

you have no reason to suspect he would "flaunt" this new girlfriend anyway - you are leaping to conclusions here.

GypsyMoth · 11/02/2011 16:50

what contact have you agreed on??

portaloo · 11/02/2011 16:58

I accept it is a very painful situation for you OP, and you don't want your DC to be introduced to a new aunty every week. I completely accept that.

OTOH, whilst the DC are in his care, the law says he is responsible for them and he can take them to see whomever he chooses, take them wherever he wants to, and invite whosoever he chooses to his home while he has the DC there.

It's harsh, I agree, and FWIW, I don't happen to be convinced that the courts do have the best interests of the DC at heart. Personally, I don't believe they have the time or the resources to treat every case as an individual case, and the general consensus seems to be that the DC are almost always encouraged to have a relationship with their bio father.

It appears to me that in some cases, the father is not made to be accountable for his irresponsibility towards his DC, instead the courts bend over backwards to facilitate contact between the father and his DC unless the father poses a detrimental risk to the DC. Of course, the courts will not simply go on your word I'm afraid.

If he decides to go down the legal route, you will discover that your X will more than likely be granted access, even if he has been violent towards you.

I wish you all the best.

Of course this is just based on my own experience, and is just my opinion.

lemonstartree · 11/02/2011 17:00

Im getting that you dot like the advice. And I do understand why. But really, you are allowing your anger and resentment at your ex to overshadow the childrens needs.

I have a new partner. I introduced him to my kids very slowly, occassionally, outside the house, and as they became more comfortable at the house. Mt STBEx doesnt much like it, Its jealous and angry, but he cant stop me...and Im afraid, you cant stop your ex introducing anyone he likes to the kids. One hopes he will have the good sense NOT to flaunt his relationships infront of them (by this I mean be overtly sexual/flirty with the girlfriend) because He has has their best interests at heart too ? No??

hairylights · 11/02/2011 17:05

You sound hurt. if you weren't hurt why would you have gone to confront him? And there is no evidence that he will inteoduce anyone to them.

It IS about peoples rights. Your childrens rights to see their dad.

Based on what you've posted, no court would condone you preventing them from seeing their dad.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/02/2011 17:25

Your children have the right to see their dad.

Yes, you are wrong to use them to punish him.

He treated you shabbily, but you are punishing your children by trying to create a distance between them and their dad.

And they do not deserve that from you.