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Original poster

am i wrong to not let him see the kids

57 replies

dizzy36 · 11/02/2011 15:24

my husband walked out on me and my kids 4 weeks ago. he lives nearby. short story, noticed a womans handbag, birthday card, champagne and an overnight bag in his kitchen. rang his doorbell, after half an hour he answered, looked like he'd just had a shower and was in his jammies (was 11am). the 'lady' was still in his house! next day he told me it was a one night stand. I don't beleive him. he also got physical with me. everything about it suggests a pre-arranged date. I also peeked through the following and there was two of everything on the drainer. I have asked for some space to digest what has happened. he was supposed to see my son on sunday but i have said no...i don't know what he is doing in that house and who with. am i wrong to want some space, he has really chipped at my spirit last few months and need to recharge if i am to raise my two kids on my own. i don't beleive i am using the kids against him, am i?

OP posts:
thereturnofElsieTanner · 11/02/2011 17:27

I've been here. Twice unfortunately. XH introduced a string of partners to dd and ds1. They were 7 and 9 when we split. I didn't introduce my new p for around 2 years. Horses for courses and dd and ds were/are fine about both scenarios. No lasting effects. They liked all of their dad's girlfriends and are particularly close to his current one.
7 months ago I kicked XP out as he had a long term affair and introduced the ow to the whole family, using ds2 as an excuse to meet up with her and her dd. Needless to say, ow is not allowed to see any of my dc (and that is a legal condition; don't ask!) I absolutely believe that xp does not deserve to have a son for what he did to him but I do accept that my son deserves to have a father so they have unlimited contact. DS is having specialist counselling to come to terms with his conflicting feelings about his father.
Please support your dc relationship with their father or they will be in therapy for years to come as adults. I do know how very hard it is. Please try.

lemonstartree · 11/02/2011 17:31

Elsie Tanner - thats exactly how I feel about my STBExH.

I absolutely believe that xp does not deserve to have a son for what he did to him but I do accept that my son deserves to have a father

The kids will be able to see him until thye decide they dont want to, and I will support that although he is a wanker

BlueCollie · 11/02/2011 17:33

My DH ex stopped him from seeing his daughter. Huge court costs for him and one daughter very upset and finding things difficult.
I've met his daughter twice and in that time she kept saying how much she wanted to come and live with her dad. She still says this even to the point of saying 'have you spoke to the judge'. Just a warning that if you stop your kids from seeing their dad they may not want to stay with you as it is a very nasty thing to do and they will quickly pick up that and not thank you for it.
He's their dad and they have every right to see him and I can not stand women like you who use the crap excuse of 'I need to know who is in house etc etc' to stop them seeing their kids. It is just another way for you to try and control him and hurt him and has nothing to do with is best for the kids.

prh47bridge · 11/02/2011 17:33

You may think it is about him seeing them but, believe me, that is NOT how the courts see it. The courts are interested in your children's right to a relationship with their father. Yes, they are also concerned about what is in your children's best interests. But the courts believe that having a relationship with their father is in the best interests of most children. That would trump any concerns you have about them seeing him with another woman.

Right now you don't know if he intends to introduce your children to this woman, nor do you know if this is a serious relationship. For all you know he may ensure this woman stays well away while the children are around. But whether he does or not is up to him. You have no say in the matter.

I am sorry you don't like the advice you are getting but you are using your children as a weapon against him.

And I stand by my comment that, if they see him with a succession of women, your children will form their own opinions. They may not do so immediately but, in time, if you act responsibly and he does not your children will be aware of that.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 11/02/2011 17:44

Yes, your children will form their own opinions. My elder dd and ds think their father is a bit of a tart but they love him unconditionally and he is a good dad. Younger ds age 10 thinks his father (different dad) should be stoned to deathShock. He's the one having therapy...

mayorquimby · 11/02/2011 17:57

Of course yabu in trying to stop access.
I have no idea why you asked on here if you are just going to ignore the answers

BlueFergie · 11/02/2011 17:59

Why do you think your ex is going to introduce this woman to the kids? Has he said he is planning on it? You seem to be assuming that because he has slept with her he is going to move her in as a fixture for your kids contact. Why do you think this?
Do you think your ex will be violent towards the kids?
You are upset and angry and I understand why, but this is an adult issue. It is nothing to do with your kids. You are not entitled to refuse access and you would be wrong to do so.

notevenamousie · 11/02/2011 18:07

You have no right at all to choose who they see, or even where they go.
It's tough. There's a lot that is very difficult about this but you do have to swallow your pride and do what is right by the children.
I agree, because he has slept with someone why do you assume he is going to introduce her, or that she wants to be introduced. Avoid forcing him to take you to court if you possibly can.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2011 18:17

You are hurt but you cannot let your feelings override their need to have their father in their lives. Formalise all contact via the courts if you want to but he needs to be given the opportunity to see his children.

An awful lot of children lose all contact with their Dad within 2-3 years post separation; do not let your children become a further number in that statistic.

These children have a fundamental right to see their Dad and you should not prevent them from doing so.

Both of you need to act civilly towards each other with regards to your children; you both created them in love after all so neither of you should be using them as weapons.

freerangeeggs · 11/02/2011 20:59

I was 10 when my parents divorced.

My dad got a new gf pretty quickly (my mum says now that she thinks he had an affair with her). My mum didn't want us to see her, and did very little to hide this. She didn't say it outright, but her behaviour spoke volumes. I knew we were supposed to be visiting my dad that day when she took us out for a picnic; I still remember that day, and the guilt I felt.

They didn't get better. My dad ended up breaking up with the gf because I was so upset about it all. And why was I upset? because of my mum.

I love both of my parents to pieces but I'll never forget how I felt in those early days of their divorce. It is a blight on my childhood, and that of my siblings (aged 7, 5 and 2 at the time). Honestly. It still hurts. They were awful to one another.
If I ever end up in your position, OP, I will not keep my kids away from their dad - however humiliated and angry I might be. I sympathise completely, but I know what It's like to be stuck in the middle :(

freerangeeggs · 11/02/2011 21:01

For the record, I don't blame my mum for being angry with my dad. He was wrong to have an affair and her hurt was completely justified (although they were awful to each other before all that happened too). But she didn't make the transition any easier, and it was us who suffer for it.

My dad was out of order too... Long story I suppose.

CointreauVersial · 11/02/2011 21:05

Do not stop them seeing their dad.

So wrong.

fivegomadindorset · 11/02/2011 21:29

My exBIL left my sister and went straight into a house he had set up with his new girlfreind, wasn't even a couple of days, my sister hated it but sucked it up because of the children.

anais53 · 11/02/2011 23:59

I'm sorry but you sound very selfish OP. I was very hurt too when my ex-H left me for another woman but I didn't stop my then 7 year-old from seeing him. He wouldn't have allowed it anyway. You have to put your anger and resentment to one side for their sake and stop being so controlling.

quietlysuggests · 12/02/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreChap · 16/02/2011 16:34

My exDW attempted to make life very difficult for me to see my children.

She made one attempt by letter to stop me seeing them and got a solicitors letter in return.

She then made life "difficult" a year later and I had to discuss Family Court with the kids.

They wanted to see me. Don't end up on the wrong side of both your children and the courts.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 16/02/2011 16:41

You don't know that he would be having anyone and everyone to stay over when the kids are there. I'm not surprised he didn't tell you he knew how you would react. He nght have left you 4 weeks ago but he is further along in accepting the split because he had been planning/thinking about it for a while. For you it's still new and I understand why you are feeling this way but the children won't.

perfectstorm · 16/02/2011 23:40

Sorry, but you and your ex are no longer together. You don't know if or when he will introduce anyone else to the kids, and you can certainly ask that he doesn't, but they need him. Your jealousy and rage are totally understandable but you are telling yourself this is about the kids to justify the unjustifiable.

Your children need their father. He doesn't need to be perfect, or even a very nice person, for that to be true. If you take contact away from them then you are the one who is abusing them by so doing. That simple. You are the one being a terrible, failing parent if you take their father away because you think he's left you for someone else, and at some deep level you want to hurt him back. They've already lost a united family - please don't take their dad away as well.

Your kids are not your property. They have a relationship with their dad that is nothing to do with you. If you love them and want the best for them, you need to try (I know how hard it is) to overcome the pain and put them first, and support and encourage contact.

Having said all that, kids aside? I hope his knob falls off, and I'm so sorry.

midlandsmumof4 · 17/02/2011 00:56

How old they children btw.sorry if I've missed a post?

SueWhite · 17/02/2011 01:00

yes YABU, and your children will probably resent you in the future if you stop them seeing their dad.

You should ask him not to introduce his children to a new partner until it becomes serious, but should not use this as a reason to stop him seeing them. If he takes you to court over it you will get your ass handed to you.

midlandsmumof4 · 17/02/2011 01:06

Four weeks is very early to be refusing access.......Sad

BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 01:20

yes you are wrong.

he can have sex with whoever he likes. it doesn't affect how he cares for his dcs.

i would be furious if my EX decided that because i had had sex with someone, he would take my children away.

BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 01:30

what exactly is it you are worried about them seeing?

i mean i have male friends and they visit me at home, i do no more with them infront of my children than i would do with a sexual partner infront of my children. so basically if i had a boyfriend in the house and a male friend, my children would not know that eitehr was a boyfriend from the way i behaved with them. to my children, they would both just be friends. i doubt your ex will be having sex infront of the dcs.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/02/2011 01:40

If he's violent towards you, make sure all handovers are done in the presence of a third party to prevent that ever happening again. That's unacceptable, and you're right, the children shouldn't see it.

If you have no grounds for believing that your children will be exposed to violence, you can't refuse access because you don't approve of his private life. This is the incredibly frustrating thing about parenting; you can't control the decisions that the other parent makes in relation to the children's wellbeing. If you split, that lack of control is magnified.

If your children see him having sex, that's sexual abuse. But it sounds like all he did was have a date with another woman on a non-access day.

You have no grounds to prevent access.

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 08:45

Hi Dizzy

I totally understand what you are going through. When my kids mum & I first broke up, I was left with the kids. For the first month she didn't bother seeing them as she was "adjusting" to her new home. About three weeks in, she came to our house to talk about access arrangements and she told me she'd met a new man and how "in love" she was with him. Shock

The first night the kids stayed with her, he was also there. My daughter at the time was 5 and my son about 1.

Of course I was angry and upset. But would I have been right to deny access to their mum? I didn't think so then and I am grateful I didn't now. Things didn't last long between them and in actual fact I was glad when he was there as my ex at the time was so useless that I couldn't even guarantee she'd feed them a decent meal. Thankfully she's better now.

My point is that yes it hurts but you have to almost abstract yourself out of your situation and think about it as if you are a third party. The simple fact is that if the only reason you can think of is that your ex is seeing another woman, then its no reason at all to deny contact.

One day the shoe will be on the other foot. Would it be valid for your ex to dictate terms to you?