am i wrong to not let him see the kids

[dizzy36]

my husband walked out on me and my kids 4 weeks ago. he lives nearby. short story, noticed a womans handbag, birthday card, champagne and an overnight bag in his kitchen. rang his doorbell, after half an hour he answered, looked like he'd just had a shower and was in his jammies (was 11am). the 'lady' was still in his house! next day he told me it was a one night stand. I don't beleive him. he also got physical with me. everything about it suggests a pre-arranged date. I also peeked through the following and there was two of everything on the drainer. I have asked for some space to digest what has happened. he was supposed to see my son on sunday but i have said no...i don't know what he is doing in that house and who with. am i wrong to want some space, he has really chipped at my spirit last few months and need to recharge if i am to raise my two kids on my own. i don't beleive i am using the kids against him, am i?

I'm with BlueFergie - why do you think that your XH is going to be introducing this woman to your kids anytime soon?

Providing that he's not at risk of being violent towards your DCs then you should allow contact.

It is very early days but I think it is all too easy to set a pattern of behaviour that it is difficult to back track on. The relationship the DCs have with their father belongs to them, and it is not for the wounded parent to meddle with this, imo.

Two scenarios: my DC have seen their father very regularly since he walked out 2 years ago for OW. They love him and he them; he was a great father and continues to be so. I'm the rather sensible parent; their father has a great sense of humour and I love to see this reflected in them. They get the best of both of us and are happy, confident children.

It has taken my DP several years to secure regular contact with his children through a court order (he had been asked to leave rather out of the blue, no OW). In that time they have become adolescents and their mother has drip fed an invented version of history, portraying their father in a very negative light. Latest text reply to trying to arrange a weekend together 'Fuck off you twat'. Rather troubled DC.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, but do set up regular contact for your DC with their father. I was in your exact position, and looking back, that I facilitated contact between DC and their father is the only part of my behaviour that I am proud of (and it also made me feel like a very good mother).

WRT the 'getting physical', was this a matter of him putting you out of the house after you barged in to shout at him for having a date? Because you actually had no business going to his house in the first place. you have no legal grounds to block contact and it is not up to you who he sees or spends time with, unless you have definite evidence that he is introducing the DC to people who are dangerous to them.

Dizzy

I hope you are still reading. Whether you deny it or not, you will be hurt and angry. We can all tell you about your exP's rights to contact but it is probably more helpful to direct you to thinking about what is best (now and in the long run) for your DC. They will want to see their father and the older one may have some difficult questions for him to make sense of the changes in their lives.

Trust between you and your exP may have been shredded but you need to trust him with regard to the DC. Set up a rota for contact and do this early; nothing has to be set in stone, and it can be adapted. You will have happier, less confused and less angry children, and you may find before long that you enjoy some freedom for yourself. It is all very early days (and it is not easy) but you should not play the long game with your DC; they need to have the opportunity to adapt to the new set-up with both their parents.

For me the saddest posts are those about a father (or mother) who walks out and does not look back, or about DC where one parent does everything they can to frustrate contact. A bit dramatic perhaps, but if you really value your DC's happiness (perhaps above yours right now) you will not become one of the latter brigade.

OP sounds somewhat unhinged IMO. She saw the bag through the window and he answered the door 'half an hour later', who's betting she had her finger on the buzzer than whole 30 minutes...

Children are not property. He has every right to see them. The phyiscal violence does not wash with me. He shoved her once. A mistake yes but hardly a risk to his children from one action

It sounds a bit like you were trying to catch him out, looking through his windows, waiting around for 30 mins for him to answer the door when he obviously wasn't expecting you. His actions shouldn't preclude him from seeing his children, they are as much his as your's.

I am not judging you for snooping by the way. I completely get the awful suspicion and the needing to know, it needles away at you even though you know the answer you suspect will hurt more.

Strictly, I am sure it is not so unusual to be a little unhinged when the bombshell first drops. I'll freely admit to being a bit unhinged when exP walked out; in fact, completely obsessed with how he was living (most car journeys I seemed to make somehow involved a drive down his road ). It didn't last, much too exhausting for a start and stopped me from getting on with my own life, but it took a while to realize this. But even if a little unhinged, I ensured DC saw lots of their DP and ensured all handovers were civilized, and I am very proud of this and hope it makes up a little for other misdemeanors!