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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My salary ig going to increase big time, I want to put the extra in a separate account.

79 replies

HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 16:09

From June 2011, I'm going to be working full time, full capacity (I'm a childminder) I'll be on 28K gross a month, which means I'll get 800 pounds extra every month, I'll still put 2 k in the main account as dh. Obviously, the extra money will help me to pay my taxes,national insurance,childminding materials, rainy days, christmas, birthday, regular massage etc...

I want to do that because since I have started childminding, I got little help from dh, when we have money problems I always worked overtime, barely got a pat in the back for saving our arses again.I'm a huge convenience for him, as we dont have to pay childcare, the children are sick, he doesnt have to come home because I'm here all the time...

I'm really ressentful at the moment because dh makes no effort, I feel unappreciated, taken for granted..He makes absolutely no gestures towards me, when I talk about how I feel, he says nothing so I get angry so he leaves the room. He is also a dullard who only gets exited by his rank in the champions league/rugby. For my birthday, he got me a dvd that HE especially liked, for xmas he got me a 5 pounds cd (was part of a deal 2 for 10 pounds, so he got himself a cd).

So yes I want to save some money to give me a boost. I dont smoke, I dont drink, rarely buy clothes, I'm on the top of our finances.

Would you do the same ?

By the way I'm off today !

OP posts:
TallulahDoesTheHula · 08/02/2011 16:11

I'd save up to leave him if you dont like each other that much tbh

JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 16:19

I agree with Tallulah

What are you doing with such a piece of work? He's got it made with you around hasn't he?

Flisspaps · 08/02/2011 16:20

£28k a MONTH Shock

You can save some into my account if you want, I'm only getting £100pw at the moment!

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 08/02/2011 16:24

Do you mean £2,800 per month?

ssd · 08/02/2011 16:25

surely thats a yr?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 16:29

It is going to be 2.800 a month assuming I dont lose any children. I'm just sad, very sad. It is not a balanced relationship. He will never go out of his way to make me feel loved and wanted and I'm not high maintenance.

OP posts:
BigHairyLeggedSpider · 08/02/2011 16:33

Then leave him ifyou don't think it's going to improve. You've enough money to support yourself, and you only get one life.

JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 16:33

OP that's brought a little tear to my eye. I'm Sad for you.

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 16:34

Situation examples - Hey dh, good news, I'm doing overtime this week, I'll have 200 quids more on the top of what I'm already earning. We are having a tight month because I paid the taxes last month. Man he should be happy ????? Mumbled - Yes it is great.

Saturday : I gave him a lay in and breakfast in bed plus took the dcs to their activities, I just wanted to be nice to him ! He barely talked to me all day because he had a hangover..

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 16:36

I think you come across quite badly.

You are a child minder so why should your husband stay of work to look after the children if money is tight and you will be able to have them.

If the presents are an issue bring it up with him, tell him that you will both buy your own gifts from now on. (but i thought money was tight so may be husband felt he could not stretch the presents).

Also why could your hsuiband not do extra work for the finances? does he already work long, hard hours?

And finally how much money does your husband have to himself each month? this should be equal. if you have £100 then he should etc.

coco2901 · 08/02/2011 16:41

If your gross is £2,800 you'd need approx £650 to cover tax and NI... have you accounted for this? I've you have, then i'd be saving up for an escape route. Make sure you can be financially independant (it sounds like you can). I find your post very sad and hope you can find a way to change this.

Best of luck.

MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 16:47

if you are self employed or ltd company then the tax will not be any where near as high as coco2901 has stated.

Unless there are other issues here then I do not understand why people are telling you to leave him.

kepler10b · 08/02/2011 16:55

i don't think it's fair that if you earn more you get more to spend than the other spouse on yourself. if it was the other way around (i.e. bloke withholding cash for himself without discussing it with partner) you'd agree it looks pretty bad.

does you OH really do nothing for the relationship (getting car serviced, DIY, taking the bins out etc). does he not go out to work?

as for the hangover - unless it's a very regular occurance you have to cut the guy a bit of slack.

it doesn't sound like a partnership the way you describe it.

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 17:23

I dont get to spend more on myself, I just want to have a lots of savings to have security and I want to be in sole charge of it. When we spend money on ourselves, it is together we do it. I go out on my own but not more than him. He is bad with money, and he shouldnt be bad everything is accounted for.

He drives I dont, last year when his car insurance was to be renewed, he payed all in one go when he could done it monthly. He put us in big trouble. He didnt discuss it with me, he just took 450 pounds out of the account just like that.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 17:52

I take it the car is for family purposes and not just for his enjoyment? He was wrong to take out the insurance in one go if you could not afford it and he needs to understand that you both need to discuss it.

Why do you need to save and what is it for? Is it just a stash of money to keep away from him for a rainy day or so you can do a runner?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:11

Its for rainy day and for a future house (hopefully)and the taxes/ni, we dont need the car as we live in central london. He got accustomed (sp?) to have a car because he used to work for a company which provided a car for him when he left that company he was without car.And no, I'm never in the car. I'm sorry I sound petty, the bottom line is that I want him to show me appreciation and stop taking the mic out of me when I had a hard day and stop complainng about the dcs being hard during the week end.

Today, it is our 8 years anniversary and I know he is not going to make an effort, it is the first year I wont make an effort, what is the point ? It should go both way no ? Life can be dull sometimes no? All I want is an acknoledgement, it doesnt cost anything.

OP posts:
RamonaFlowers · 08/02/2011 18:11

Is there any joy left in this marriage for you?

Do you feel that you still LOVE him?

If yes, but you are just frustrated, then work on those issues and leave the money out of it. You're asking for more problems if you do as you suggest I think.

However, if not, and if he really is a dullard with no thought or care for you, then is this really the future you see for yourself. Another (guesses) 40 even 50 years of this?

I also found your OP very sad. I think I would be looking very hard at my marriage if I felt as you did. Not my finances.

JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 18:22

Is couples counselling an option for you?

Do you actually get him to sit down and LISTEN to you? I'm not being mean, but for my DH that means sat down, face to face with no TV, nothing going on in the background (never underestimate the hypnotic mystic powers of a muted TV; that's not a sexist thing, I do it too!) and if I have a problem; me looking him in the eye and saying 'I have a problem... It is XYZ, how shall we solve it?' etc etc. You say he gets up and walks off, but are you presenting it in the right way? Are you getting shouty when you don't need to? Or are you not being firm enough? He may genuinely just be floating on through life, quite oblivious.

You've written this post because you want advice on doing a runner, I think. That's fine, it's your life. But have you covered all the options? Does he even know you're feeling so hard done by?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:23

I do love him, I do and I'm obsessed with money, I'm not stingy, I'm not spender but I'm just hyper careful, I know the feeling of always being in the red but by being very careful we manage to overturn the situation. To be honest with the way I feel I'm wondering if I dont have pmt (an early one)..I should be more positive instead of being so negative. I have 2 healthy beautiful happy dcs who dont go without anything, I have great friends, the spring on his way......

I dont see myself without him, I just want him to make more efforts, He can be boring but it didnt stop me falling in love with him and it is hardly a crime to be boring he just get on my nerves at the moment with his lack of proactivity/common sense/selective blindness /selective memory.

OP posts:
Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:24

No I dont want to do a runner, I just want to vent my frustration, we have been trought much worst...I just want him to be impredictable (I mean in a good way),

OP posts:
Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:29

Its sad to be obessed with money, I didnt use to be like that Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:30

I'm also planning a big family holiday abroad next year, I want them to be happy, dh included..Please tell me it is the pmt which makes me act like a twat Sad

OP posts:
ImFab · 08/02/2011 18:31

impredictable?Confused

Bramshott · 08/02/2011 18:32

YANBU to spend a bit more on yourself / set the money aside for a rainy day or for future business investment. Buy YABU if you are setting the money aside to 'punish' your DH, or because you hope he'll notice and pay you more attention - those are separate issues and you need to deal with them separately.

JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 18:32

OP I was just trying to say that if you did want to, that's ok and it's your life but that you should probably get some support. I wasn't trying to insult you Blush

You sound really confused. How long have you felt like this?

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