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Original poster

My salary ig going to increase big time, I want to put the extra in a separate account.

79 replies

HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 16:09

From June 2011, I'm going to be working full time, full capacity (I'm a childminder) I'll be on 28K gross a month, which means I'll get 800 pounds extra every month, I'll still put 2 k in the main account as dh. Obviously, the extra money will help me to pay my taxes,national insurance,childminding materials, rainy days, christmas, birthday, regular massage etc...

I want to do that because since I have started childminding, I got little help from dh, when we have money problems I always worked overtime, barely got a pat in the back for saving our arses again.I'm a huge convenience for him, as we dont have to pay childcare, the children are sick, he doesnt have to come home because I'm here all the time...

I'm really ressentful at the moment because dh makes no effort, I feel unappreciated, taken for granted..He makes absolutely no gestures towards me, when I talk about how I feel, he says nothing so I get angry so he leaves the room. He is also a dullard who only gets exited by his rank in the champions league/rugby. For my birthday, he got me a dvd that HE especially liked, for xmas he got me a 5 pounds cd (was part of a deal 2 for 10 pounds, so he got himself a cd).

So yes I want to save some money to give me a boost. I dont smoke, I dont drink, rarely buy clothes, I'm on the top of our finances.

Would you do the same ?

By the way I'm off today !

OP posts:
Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:33

unpredictable (sorry english is not my first language Blush)

OP posts:
JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 18:33

Imfab I think the OP means a bit more impulsive but in a nice, romantic way. Am I right OP?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:38

Jazzie - I didnt feel insulted, I'm sorry my post made you sad. I have been feeling like that for a little while, yes I'm confused. Everything is on the right path but I'm being difficult. I wont have a separate account obviously, I'll have a esaving adjacent to our regular account. Saving money is my actual leisure and I think I need to get a life, the tought of being in financial trouble is killing me so I'm over cautious. I just need to be in control, I'm always checking the account. First thing I do in the morning and last thing I do before going to bed.

OP posts:
JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 18:40

Do you have a history of financial instability? Or does your DH?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:43

We both have yes but now we are fine, I'm on the top of things.

OP posts:
JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 18:51

Right. I know it's hard, but seriously? The last thing at night and the first thing in the morning? That's too much. Relax.

Put the extra money away in an account, for sure. That's a good idea.

I think you and your DH would benefit from some couple's counselling. Book a childminder/ask a relative to have the kids. Go. Talk this through. If he then still knows how you're feeling but doesn't want to do anything to change things, then you might need to re think your relationship. Do you still love him?

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 08/02/2011 18:58

Yes I do love him, I'm going to look at concelling..I'm obviously to intense.Thank you Jazzie..Dh came back with flowers and chocolate Blush

OP posts:
JazzieJeff · 08/02/2011 19:03

Aw see? That's sweet. Maybe sit him down tonight once the DC are in bed with a glass of wine and say; 'DH just lately I feel like things have been a bit strange between you and I. It happens to loads of people, all the time but we're not like other couples and I don't want this to turn into something that it's not. How would you feel about going to relate for a bit of a health check on our relationship? I really love you, and it'd mean the world to me if you came with me'.

If he doesn't fancy it, I'd say go yourself anyway. It'd probably be nice to air your feelings with someone who's totally impartial. You never know, your DH might come around and go along for a session with you. Smile

ItsGraceAgain · 09/02/2011 02:21

Well, I'm glad he thought enough to get you flowers & chocolate :)

Your life does sound like a slog, tbh. If you'd posted asking about your relationship, I'd have more to say about that. But you didn't, so ...

Please be VERY careful of confusing money with love. It's an easy mistake - I've done it, most of us probably have - but "grabbing" money won't make up for the care & consideration you're not getting.

On the other hand, you most certainly deserve some you-time, a few treats and to be able to treat the kids. You're working your butt off and now seeing the rewards - so you should feel the rewards, too! One thing you didn't mention, btw: how about spending some of it on a cleaner, and maybe regular takeaway nights? Buy yourself some spare time.

You'll need to find a way to explain to DH, clearly, what's happening and why. Show how this extra money of YOURS will benefit the family as a whole. I don't feel you should back down over this, but am worried that you won't be able to do it in a non-confrontational way, as you're pretty pissed off. I think this is so important, it would even be worth going to counselling just to cover this one issue. Good luck.

And well done! :)

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 10:04

I think you have have may be a little OCD when it comes to money.

You need to learn to relax a little. Ok save for a rainy day but do not keep it from your husband. set a savings acoount in both names.

Have a set budget that you both can spend a month personally on what ever you want.

Remember what is the point of having loads of money if you do not have a life?

Also id hate to give up my ca no matter where i lived. What if you fancied going to the beach one day. just hop in the car and be there in a couple of hours.

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 10:05

sorry that was meant to be car

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 09/02/2011 10:39

It is going to be difficult to let go on the money side. DH fucked up misdjuged situation too much in the past. Us being in the red because he tought we could afford something when it was clear we couldnt. He had to call his parents to bail us out !!!It is an horrible feeling. Yes we have a trust issue at this level. The worst is that I suggest week end away, holidays and I get oh you are sure, it is too expensive, I'll look at it but he never does. I have saved some money over the month and I said I quite fancy an ipad and he said it was too expensive but I can get an ipad I have the money or it will be nice if I could pass my driving license, I get wait for next year it will be better, why next year ??? I dont get his reasonning.

We go on holiday (abroad) every year because we go to my parents and it is very cheap.

The bottom line is that I cant get anything nice or a bit pricey without getting disaproval so all I have to do is work, work, work and that's it.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 10:49

Honestmoi - truly understand, i was in the same situation as you.

My wife and i were in a lot of debt (cause i was shit with money) - i had a good job she took ovder the finances and sorted us right out. I would make all this money but could not spend it on myself or on little treats. but now we are sorted and realise the importance of having the little treats.

But it sounds like you have installed fear of money into your husband. You said before about him having a car and now you said you want to learn to drive?

Also an ipad can easily cost £600 is it worth it? just get a laptop for £300.

if moneyu is better you need to sit down and show your DH why you can afford a little more luxeries.

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 09/02/2011 11:05

Thank you mrSpoc - It is true, I live in constant fear that we are going to be in mess again, we have been 9 years together and have only be alright financially since september 2010 because I took complete charge of the finances. I tought I could pass my driving licence so we could say it was our car with everything involved. As an ipad, I quite like it but it is true it is not a necessity, I'm just scared I'm going to be working with little pleasure in life. I'm insane I think. I should be happy and serene but I cant get used to the idea that we are going to be alright, dh fucked up so much in the past.

Wait for it, last year when he put us in financial problem, he forgot he had 600 pounds in shares somewhere (HE FORGOT) so we went trought the humiliation to ask his parents when we didnt need too. He also FORGOT ro pay the cc once, so when I went to use it at our local shop, the card was refused. It was traumatic. He always used to his parents bailling him out and now it is my job to bail us out, I did it last month and I did it this week by doing evening babysitting.

Can you understand that I live in fear that our present situation is too good to bew true that he is going to mess up again ??

OP posts:
kepler10b · 09/02/2011 11:06

my OH is hopeless with money so we have seperate accounts so i can manage the main outgoings. he has responsibility for paying for the car - but if he hasn't managed to save or be organised to cover it i'll pay.

paying for the car insurance in one go rather than monthly actually works out cheaper (unless doing so puts you in debt of course).

it's quite unusual that both partners in a couple with have exactly the same attitude to money or earning power so it's just one of those things you have to compromise on a little to find a balance you can both be happy enough with.

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 09/02/2011 11:14

kepler10b - yes I completely agree with you and we have a huge work to do on that level. I thinking more and more of having a main account for all the family outgoings and a personal separate one.

It does work out cheaper to have it yearly I agree. First year he had the car, his mum paid his insurance, second year I paid his insurance because I made a lot of overtime, 3rd year we didnt have the money but he used the argument that yes it was cheaper to pay it yearly but we didnt have the 450 pounds but he took it anyway so he completely messed up our budget which means by the middle of the month we were left with nothing.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 09/02/2011 11:23

I'm actually amazed that anyone wouldn't have a separate savings account of their own. I trust my DP more than anyone in the world, but still would feel weird about not having my own money. I earned it and saved it after all. I would never expect access to his money either.

OP you do sound a bit obsessed with savings etc (checking your accounts twice every day?) and maybe you need to relax a bit about that. Definitely not unreasonable to have your own savings account though!

Ephiny · 09/02/2011 11:25

And who is he to say you can't buy an iPad if you want one, with your own money that you've earned, assuming it doesn't stop you paying your half of the household expenses. You're his partner, not his child, aren't you? I could absolutely not live like that Shock

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 09/02/2011 11:34

Thanks Ephiny, all the household expenses are paid it is the priority. We are never late with payment. I'm going to open a saving account for the extra I will earn and then carry on as normal with the rest of my salary. No more, no less.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 09/02/2011 11:43

There's a fairly short list of ways to structure a couple's finances.

  1. You can pool everything, which requires similar attitudes to money & a high level of trust.
  1. You can have a joint account, which gets a fixed sum, and each keeps whatever is left out of their own money. This works if you have similar incomes.
  1. You can each have a fixed contribution to your own account, with all the rest going to the joint account. This works if you like to use your personal money in different ways.
  1. You can have one partner controlling all the finances. This only works if you've both agreed to it, like MrSpoc.

You seem to be looking to have one solution for you & another for DH, Honestmoi, which can only add to your stress ...

Btw, I agree an iPad is probably a slightly barmy purchase at this stage! Driving lessons aren't, though :)

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 11:48

but this is shared money no matter who earns it.

What if you are a stay at home mum and your husband took your attitude. "its my money ill spend it on what i want"

I dont have a seperate acoount to my wife it is all shared. If i found out she had a secret savings account with money in I would be livid. talk about trust.

ItsGraceAgain · 09/02/2011 11:53

I agree, MrS, and am often surprised by women claiming the privilege of a secret account! It's a bit different when she's squirreling away an escape fund - but, in those cases, the husband usually controls the finances with an iron fist.

Divorcing wives are furious if they find undisclosed money on their H's side. I don't get why there (seems to be) a different rule for women.

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 11:55

I think because the husband is obviously shit with money and Op is good, she should stay incharge of the money.

Have a joint acoount pay the bills. what money is left over decide between the two how much to save in a "joint account" then decide how much can be spent as personel spends.

This is not treating op or hsuband as a child but more like a working family unit. Anything else is just odd.

Original poster
HONESTMOI · 09/02/2011 11:56

Thank you its a grace, I'm working at it and trying to find the fairer option for us. I think we'll put exactly the same amount every month and share all the households bill etc and divide what is left at the end of the month.

Mrspoc - Dh has sometimes this attitude with me, everytime I fancy something (I rarely spend on myself) he is telling me "Are you sure it is raisonnable" he makes me feel guilty ! Exemple : we go to a restaurant with the kids and I order a starter I get "Oh someone is extravagant" for a bleeding starter ??? I'm not talking about a secret saving account but a normal current account. I think he is as bad as me when money is concerned, he admitted himself to get exited when we have a bit more money and trying to find a way to spend it, he doesnt see the bigger picture !

OP posts:
Ephiny · 09/02/2011 12:05

I don't have any different rule for women, my DP (male) has his own savings account as well which is fine with me. It's not a question of trust for me, just makes sense to do it this way - I don't get the point of pooling all money unless neither of you ever buys anything individually and you only ever spend on shared things.

If you're a SAHM there are various ways to do it as ItsGraceAgain says above. Presumably in that case you'd normally have a joint account into which the earning partner pays an agreed amount to cover all essential expenses plus spending money for the SAHP. If they're earning enough to have some left over though, I don't see the problem with them having their own account.