My home doesn't feel like my home.

[theredhen]

DS 9age 12) and I moved in with DP about 8 months ago.

We had to live in his home as it goes with his job, he has 4 kids who live there 3 days a week. DP has been there for about 16 yrs and it was the marital home for about 12 of those yrs. DP ex wife left him. Ultimately DP has the right to choose who lives in his house as the house goes with his job, so there is no tenancy agreement or mortgage for me to be on.

I was a single Mum for 8 years, always worked and always supported us single handedly. Have no immediate family so never had any support there like other single Mums I know and my ex has never been v reliable or dependable. I owned my own house (now tenanted) and DS and I had our own routines and lots of nice, quiet time. We have a close bond and I am very proud of him. We lived in the town where DS could see his friends and was starting to get some independence.

Try as I might, I just cannot make it feel like home and I think that is down to emotional issues rather than practical ones.

DP is always home and I am at work or looking after 5 kids at weekends or out doing adult things on weekends we don't have all the kids. I never, ever get to be home on my own or with my DS and I miss having that time and space.

House rules and routines tend to be the same ones that have always been in the house, although I have managed to instigate a few new things.

We are having building work done to extend the house and this is a good opportunity for me to put my stamp on things, but as DP is home all day, he is project managing things and I feel like my input is minimal.

DP earns more money than me and therefore tends to pay for luxury things when we go out, leaving me feeling like I'm not "really part of it".

DP, has, I feel, issues with DS and I feel there are a lot of double standards in how his own children behave and how he expects DS to behave - this is a whole other thread, which has been done and I am working on.

We live in a v rural location and we have to ferry all the children everwhere as there are no buses and no transport to school. This literally takes up hours and hours every week and the kids have no freedom.

When I do get a day off, DP brings business clients into the house (he does have an office outside) to make them tea / lunch etc. and I feel I am pushed out of certain rooms.

We have the luxury of a cleaner, which I am v grateful for but I wonder if not cleaning my own home doesn't help? I was v houseproud of my little house before.

DP's family all live close by, so we will entertain them or they will just pop in. I dont' have any immediate family and my best friends don't drive, so can't come and visit unless I pick them up.

DP and his ex wife do not get on and I feel we are used as babysitters for her. I never get any say in when the children come and I have told DP this makes me feel like a lodger even though I do plenty of looking after the children when they are with us.

Reading all that back, I can see why I don't feel like it is my home.

Any opinions would be appreciated.

Sorry, should read DS (age 12)

Mm... would your finances stretch to a little flat fairly close by, just big enough for you and DS? Or, given the ferrying thing you mention, perhaps the nearest town would be more practical. It sounds like you might get on better if you didn't have this claustrophobic cohabiting thing going on. You could maybe stay there over weekends and help him with his DCs but have your own space during the week. You may see less of DP but if you can make it quality time instead of forced time in each other's faces, your relationship may even be the better for it. And from what you say, I'm sure DS would be happier.

"Stay over there" meaning DP's house, sorry.

I have my own house in the town - it has tenants in it. I can go back there if I wanted to (subject to giving notice etc).

DP and I lived for 2 yrs apart and I loved it. I really felt I had the best of both worlds. He wanted us to move in after just over a yr and I held off for nearly a yr and a half. I don't think he would want to be with me if I moved away and everyone would think our relationship had failed.

It was lovely to be able to have playmates for DS but also be able to have quiet time when we wanted it. Now I can't even get a few hours with DS without having to fight for it or risk upsetting the step children by leaving them out of it.

You liked it better before. Your son did too--I assume, you did not say. This really isn't working out.

forget what "everyone" would think. your priority has to be you and your DS.

DS does seem happy and says he is and I feel terrible in uprooting him. He wants a family, but DP struggles to treat him as family and DSC are lovely but I think are a bit jealous as they are all constantly telling him how rubbish anything and everything he does is, even though they only ever want to play what he does.

I'd move out. You're not happy and I bet your son isn't happy, especially with the double standards you mention. No way would I be putting up with that sort of shit from anyone. But then I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has 4 other children in the first place so my advice is probably flawed.

If your son is being undermined by your partner and his children I can't see how he can be happy. He is probably just pretending everything is fine to keep you happy.

I think he just wants a family so much, he wants to please them. When he is not pleasing them, he is vying for their attention.

It looks very much as if this relationship worked for you when you lived separately - and not so well now. There's nothing wrong in that: we all have to give things a go, and have the balls to admit when it turns out not to have been the best idea after all.

I suppose the big question is: why does DP feel so strongly about your staying on? In real terms, you're very much a part-time family as before - is this all about 'what people think' or are there other reasons?

DP just wants us to be a family. I think he struggles with the concept of taking on someone elses child, although he knows it should be "easy" as he has 4 of his own.

Ultimately, doesn't everyone want to be a family unit?

Doesn't everyone want to wake up with someone in their arms?

I know I do, but I am also adult enough to realise that sometimes the things that go with it are just too much.

It isn't necessary to live together if your lives work better living apart. The traditional family unit is based on only men having access to money and property, and women and children bunking up with them because they have to live somewhere. You, on the other hand, have the capacity to be independent (through your own hard work) and if that is better for you and your son, then do it. Don't worry about "people" thinking the relationship has "failed". "People" don't have to live your life, or your son's.
Good luck! you sound like a strong, sorted person who is having a momentary wobble about a change of direction.

Well, you have taken on 4 children, he has problems taking on 1. You have to tiptoe (it seems) around him and his family and his clients, while he seem unwilling to make any adjustment to his life and home to make you and your son feel welcome.

I would move out. You seem very aware what is wrong actually. You say he would not want the relationship to continue if you moved out. Frankly, if I were you, I would not WANT this relationship to continue, post moving.

he's gained 24hr childcare when he has access. What have you and your DS gained?

You are lucky enough to be in a position to do something about it.

Your DS being treated differently by him and unkindly by the other kids would be the deal breaker for me.

Why does he struggle to treat your DS as family? Poor kid.

Sounds like you had it pretty much together before you moved in with your DP. Maybe it wasn't the best move? What does your DS think about living there?

Quint - he has taken on 1 child 7 days a week. I have only taken on his 4, 3 days a week and to be fair to him, he is very hands on. Of course, it's hard work and I do take an active part in their life but he doesn't leave it all to me.

DS goes to a different school to DP kids who go to local school. They are all similar ages and one is in DS year. Local school is in special measures but improving, DS school is above average. DS never, ever critisises the local school and I would be very cross if he did. My opinion is that DS school is the right school for him at that time. It might not be the best school for everyone else. DP kids spent a lot of time last night picking fault with DS work, his lessons, the school equipment, his teachers etc. DP kids are brighter than DS, so will probably do well anywhere, but I'm now wondering if I'm wrong to not let DS retaliate with some nasty comments back.

Clam - DP struggles like a lot of us do with step parenting. I think he is realising that his patience is not the same with DS as with his own kids. I feel the same in vice versa. However, I do my very best (and generally succeed) in not treating the step children differently to my own DS and in fact I am probably a lot less harsh as I feel ultimate discipline is down to DP with his kids and down to me with DS.

DS says he is happy and he certainly appears to be. He loves having the kids around and generally they all get on OK. DS can be a bit loud and a bit of a show off sometimes but I think this is him trying to find his place in an already "complete" family. He looks forward to seeing kids and he has no bad feelings towards DP, although I do know he is no positive ones either.

Have you spoken to your DP about not feeling at home? Surely he can give you more input into the extension that's being built and how the house is run.

I too live in the house that DH used to share with his ex wife and I can say without a second's hesitation that moving in there was the biggest mistake of my life

It now belongs to both of us (I gave him £50k to buy her out when they got divorced) but believe me that makes NO difference

I've lived there for over 6 years now - which is longer than she lived there, but for me it'll never be my house, or even my home. I only wish we could get out of there...

Sorry that's not helpful is it

If I were you I'd get out of there as soon as you can. I'm not saying you should split, but it is possible for you to live apart until you can find a house that's 'yours', and by that I mean both of 'yours'

DP and I live apart, I have 2 DC, one with DP, one older from a previous marriage. We have been together 9 years, and are about to go into business together, but tbh I dont think either of us would be happy living with each other full time. 'People' thought it was wierd, especially parents - they assumed that he was shirking his responsibilities and wouldnt commit - never occurred to them that I wasnt at home sobbing and begging him to live with us! Its never come up as an issue, I guess we have stayed happy as we are, so why rock the boat. We both like those quiet times, and he is always there and will come if I needed help with something, or offers if he sees a situation I will need him to take the kids, etc. Dont let other peoples concepts of whats normal stop you doing what is right for yo and DS

Hi theredhen - I know you have said before that you don't think your DP would want a relationship where you didn't live together and presumably part of this is to do with your input into the runing of the house, running the children around etc. He no doubt feels that it wouldn't work for him if you lived apart, but it's not working for you living together inspite of your very best efforts.

It is his responsibility as much as yours to make the family work but it doesn't seem as though he is prepared to make much room for you and your needs and it's not going to make you feel very good as long as this continues - he is not allowing your feelings and needs to have as much importance as his own.

I can't imagine how such a conversation would go but are you able to just tell him that you can't continue as you are and that you will have to seriously consider moving out unless he is prepared to make changes to make you feel that it is worth staying.

you say ultimately doesn't everyone want to be a family unit - families now come in all shapes and sizes and you and your ds were/are a legitimate family unit

and doesn't everyone want to wake up in with someone in their arms - yes its nice every now and again but not mandatory.

I am lp and me and my two dcs are quite happy in our own little unit. I don't intend to change that anytime soon but would be happy to have a partner at a distance or would consider live in when dcs have left home. I haven't really got time, patience or inclination to deal with any fallout of a new setup tbh

I feel a bit sorry for your ds - he possibly feels overwhelmed by your ps four children.

I don't think you have to live as trad or blended family just because you think should IYSWIM.

Maybe both of us have idealistic views?

He wants the happy little family he had with his ex wife - but I am not his kids mother and I am not at home all day like she was/is either.

I want someone who will help me / DS out in life because they want to, not because of what they get back. I suppose like a parent would, that sort of unconditional help, even though I so, so rarely ask for help from anyone. It's a mindset. I liked being on my own but it did get lonely sometimes, and when I met DP, I felt I had it all.

DS does feel overwhelmed and I feel for him too, but I'm pretty sure he is not unhappy.

I have spoken to him about how I feel, this was before Xmas and I was getting no sleep with the worry of it all. Things are better now with regards to the sleep, so I think he thinks I am now happy. I can't even say I'm unhappy, but I just feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't belong. I keep thinking I just need to give it more time. It's only been a few months.

"I just feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't belong"

Sorry but IME that doesn't go away - I still feel like that now. I've had people (including DH!) ask me why it matters what used to happen at the house, it's the future that counts but it's just not that simple is it? You always feel like it's someone else's house, you have no right to say what does/doesn't happen and you don't belong there

I really, really do feel for you theredhen, and I wish I had an answer for you

Please put you and your son first. It's all very well for your DP to not want you to move out but he would say that because he's got it made while you're there. You matter too, don't forget that