My home doesn't feel like my home.

[theredhen]

DS 9age 12) and I moved in with DP about 8 months ago.

We had to live in his home as it goes with his job, he has 4 kids who live there 3 days a week. DP has been there for about 16 yrs and it was the marital home for about 12 of those yrs. DP ex wife left him. Ultimately DP has the right to choose who lives in his house as the house goes with his job, so there is no tenancy agreement or mortgage for me to be on.

I was a single Mum for 8 years, always worked and always supported us single handedly. Have no immediate family so never had any support there like other single Mums I know and my ex has never been v reliable or dependable. I owned my own house (now tenanted) and DS and I had our own routines and lots of nice, quiet time. We have a close bond and I am very proud of him. We lived in the town where DS could see his friends and was starting to get some independence.

Try as I might, I just cannot make it feel like home and I think that is down to emotional issues rather than practical ones.

DP is always home and I am at work or looking after 5 kids at weekends or out doing adult things on weekends we don't have all the kids. I never, ever get to be home on my own or with my DS and I miss having that time and space.

House rules and routines tend to be the same ones that have always been in the house, although I have managed to instigate a few new things.

We are having building work done to extend the house and this is a good opportunity for me to put my stamp on things, but as DP is home all day, he is project managing things and I feel like my input is minimal.

DP earns more money than me and therefore tends to pay for luxury things when we go out, leaving me feeling like I'm not "really part of it".

DP, has, I feel, issues with DS and I feel there are a lot of double standards in how his own children behave and how he expects DS to behave - this is a whole other thread, which has been done and I am working on.

We live in a v rural location and we have to ferry all the children everwhere as there are no buses and no transport to school. This literally takes up hours and hours every week and the kids have no freedom.

When I do get a day off, DP brings business clients into the house (he does have an office outside) to make them tea / lunch etc. and I feel I am pushed out of certain rooms.

We have the luxury of a cleaner, which I am v grateful for but I wonder if not cleaning my own home doesn't help? I was v houseproud of my little house before.

DP's family all live close by, so we will entertain them or they will just pop in. I dont' have any immediate family and my best friends don't drive, so can't come and visit unless I pick them up.

DP and his ex wife do not get on and I feel we are used as babysitters for her. I never get any say in when the children come and I have told DP this makes me feel like a lodger even though I do plenty of looking after the children when they are with us.

Reading all that back, I can see why I don't feel like it is my home.

Any opinions would be appreciated.

It seems like your partner has not really moved on.

You cant take the exwifes place. You have to have a NEW place in his life, and a place where you have a say and your own importance.

Oh sod this! It soundsawful. Move back to your lovely home. If DP can't cope with it, tough.

Are you financially contributing to the improvements on his houyse? I really, really hope not.

And if he's so keen to have you there, why hasn't he proposed?

Talk to him.

It has been you and your son for 8 years and now its 5 other people and if that wasn't enough, you have moved to a rural location and into someone else's home, of course its overwhelming. You have entered into a new family dynamic and it takes time to acclimatise.

Tell him that this has been a major event in the lives of you and your son and that you are struggling. Voice your concerns about his interactions with your son and how his children interact with your son (check out the step-family threads for insights into step family dynamics). Tell him you want some time in the house on your own and tell him why. Unless you have told him everything you have told us he probably doesn't know the full extent of your feelings.

Take this opportunity to really discuss your expectations of each other and that of your living situation (don't forget to mention the good things so it doesn't come across as one long list of grievances). Put everything that's been bothering you on the table and negotiate and give it a little more time.

It is totally normal to feel the way you do, hell I wouldn't have the courage to do what you have done.

Good Luck.

Isetan, the step family board has some really lovely people on there, it also has a lot of people who tell me that I should put DP's kids first and think how they must feel. It's been quite refreshing coming on here.

I have tried talking to him and I can tell he is trying but I still don't feel right. Maybe it will just take time? I still can't believe that little old cautious me has made this big step anyway!

Beautiful

Sorry, pressed enter by mistake.

Beautiful - he has proposed and we were engaged before I moved in. No date set as yet and no, I won't set one until I feel happy. And no, it's DP's bosses who are paying for the work to the house - it doesn't belong to either of us.

Quint - I know DP treats me differently to his ex wife, but ultimately I am still a mother living in his home with his children. Re-decorating doesn't change that.

I would move back to my own house tbh.
There are families who live apart but are still a couple.
I am one of those (very unconventional) families and very happy as well to boot.
Really for the reasons you have given.

theredhen & Not actually
Sorry but IME it doesn't get any better!

I moved in with (now X)H to his house that he had lived in with his xW & DSC. It too never really felt like my home. I was very relaxed about it at first then it gradually dawned on me that it was more about H's failure to relinquish sole ownership, 'his territory' than the bricks and mortar eg it took me 3 months to get him to take down his paintings of his (naked) X (he insisted that they weren't of her but it was a pregnant figure so unless any other pg woman he knew would get her caks off for him to paint...)

I redecorated entire house, got new curtains etc but didn't make any difference. As a consequence I never felt I could really relax there.

Have now returned to my own home (which was tenanted too) and ohhhh it's great! I simply lurvvve being back in my own place. Not a day goes by without me appreciating it!

I'm sorry but once you've moved in I don't think it's at all easy to take a 'step back' to being apart and carrying on the relationship. But I think you've simply got to have a home that feels yours equally or the relationship will ultimately fail.

redhen - are you sure your DS is happy? How can he be if DP is treating him critically? I think this will only get worse and you should cut your losses now before any more damage is done.

In the meantime, dont spend you time looking after 5 kids. They are there to spend time with their father, you are free to spend time with your son - maybe spend a day doing something together when they are at your house - a day in/out with your son will really help maintain that close bond.

Do you have your pictures on the walls, and the things that were on display at your old house on display here? I have to move house regularly for work, and that helps me feel at home.

I agree it would help if you had some say over who comes and goes in the house.

DP is trying hard to treat DS fairly and everything has been OK for a few months, but I don't forget and I'm not convinced that just "biting his tongue" is the answer as he does need to have a positive relationship with DS. It's not as though DS and DP are at each others throats at all. It's just something I am hyper aware of.

I do have a few things on display, my own things about, but they are few and far between simply because I came from a small house and this is a big one. My stuff has kind of got a bit "lost".

Came home last night to DP telling me what an amazing new shower we are going to have after he spoke with the plumber yesterday. Nothing like the one we had looked at and decided on. To be honest, I don't really care what shower we have, but if he had listened to what I wanted and treated it as important, then maybe it would help.

When I tried to talk to DP about when he has his kids I asked if he could consult me before agreeing things with his ex wife as obviously these things affect me and DS too now. He simply said "I will see my children when I want". I did explain that I don't want to stop him seeing them, just to be consulted or at least told before I overhear it when he talks to someone else.

As for going out with DS and not step kids, my problem with this is that I don't feel it helps the bonding between me and step kids and between DS and step kids. They are only going to resent him more if he is "singled" out. However, I do try and get time with him in the school hols but again, this is difficult if I don't know when step kids are coming!

Oh dear, no wonder you don't feel very much at home if you're being marginalised in several very important aspects. It sounds as if your DP doesn't even try to see things from your perspective. Obviously he's very busy but he just wants you to slot in to his life, rather than making an effort to integrate your lives together. He is, in fact, adding you to his possessions. When you said that if you didn't stay living together you thought he'd call it off, that added strength to the impression. I'm sure he loves you, but does love, to him, include seeing you as a separate human being?

I would move back to your own place, maybe some time in the future the two of you will be able to get your own place together (which you choose and buy and decorate etc jointly) but this doesn't sound like a good situation for you, or like it's ever going to be really your home in either your mind or your DPs.

If I was in your position, I would be together living apart, and go back and live in your own homes, leave the getting married until the kids have grown up.

He'd be better off hiring someone, wouldn't he? It's really not on to expect someone to fit in with all your needs because they love you, without offering the same in return. That's a transaction to be formalised, with a salary.

I do appreciate how hard it is for you to seperate out your feelings around this.

At base, though, if he says he wouldn't bother with your relationship unless you were tailoring your life to his requirements ... it shows you where he's coming from, doesn't it?

I'd recommend putting this to the test. You deserve emotional security, and so does your son. If DP drops you when you go back home - you'll have your answer, sadly, AND you'll be in your own space, with your own life back. But he might not. He may simply be trying to control you with the threat.

I know you could muddle on through like this, even getting used to being 'second class'. But until the kids grow up? How long is that? What a waste.

"At base, though, if he says he wouldn't bother with your relationship unless you were tailoring your life to his requirements ... it shows you where he's coming from, doesn't it?"

This is very true - wise words.

I have a lot to think about.

He still see's it as solely his and his kids home, that won't change im afraid, I was your dp and although we even moved to try and change things it never worked, I was/am so used to doing things to suit me that to consider consulting someone else just seemed like a waste of time, it was 'my' house. 5 years later it wasn't any better, in fact it got worse with resentment coming in if dp tried to make any decisions about 'my' house.
I know its totally unfair, but some people really are better living apart, my dp might not be one of them, but I am, we could have been so much happier these past 5 years.
As for your ds, your dp's behaviour might be subtle, but it will in time have a damaging effect, it will lower his self esteem and he will get used to being treated like a second class citizen, something he will come to expect from everyone he comes across in life in the future.
Do yourself and your ds a favour and move back to your own home, because you will never feel like home where you are now.
I wish we had done it years ago, really.

I know theredhen from another site, I think it will be helpfull to share tha reasons behind why theredhen is putting up with this, and if theredhen shares that information she may find that she gets some great advice from the posters on here.

Hi MummieHunnie,

Why am I putting up with this? I don't know. In lots of ways DP is very good and very loving and kind.

I've had 2 failed relationships in the past, one because DS Dad was just not responsible enough and I was very young when we got together and I "outgrew" him.

The other was a controlling man, who denied me any time or attention. I refused to set up home with him because I always knew it wasn't right.

I had a bit of an odd childhood, but so do plenty of others and although I didn't have a Mum and Dad, I did have a grandmother who loved me very much and brought me up well.

It is the fact that the three male role models in your ds's life that have treated your ds as a second class citizen, that worries me for your ds's long term wellbeing, theredhen.

MummieHunnie,

You are absolutely right.

And I think there is a bit of me that is ashamed to admit that because I feel people will think it is something that my DS has done.

Like an abused child feeling they are doing something wrong and to be blamed.

The other issue for your ds theredhen, is that when he is older if you allow this to continue, your ds will be angry at you for allowing all the men in his life to treat him like a second class citizen and not protect him emotionally when he was a child and it was you allowing these men to treat him second class that will set him up for a life time of feeling inferior, in frienships/relationships in his work life etc.

You don't have to end your relationships with your fiance, you can have that and keep it seperate to your ds for a few years, he is almost a teen and will have his own life soon, and in a blink of the eye be moving out.

"As for going out with DS and not step kids, my problem with this is that I don't feel it helps the bonding between me and step kids and between DS and step kids. They are only going to resent him more if he is "singled" out. However, I do try and get time with him in the school hols but again, this is difficult if I don't know when step kids are coming!"

Not at all. Make your own plans. If you're there when they come then that's fine. If your not, then DP will have to spend time on his own with them, won't he?

I have managed to get contact with my ex changed round so that I get time with DS without DSC being there. It does, of course, mean I never get a break and DP and I never get time alone, but this can't carry on the way it is.

Even now though I feel as though I have organised my life and other peoples (my ex and his new family) to fit in with what DP and his ex wife and DSC want. Heaven forbid I upset their arrangements.

I really feel so sorry for your son.

He must feel like such an inconvenience.

And all so that his mums shall continue to live on eggshells, for "love" of a man who treats him like this.