My home doesn't feel like my home.

[theredhen]

DS 9age 12) and I moved in with DP about 8 months ago.

We had to live in his home as it goes with his job, he has 4 kids who live there 3 days a week. DP has been there for about 16 yrs and it was the marital home for about 12 of those yrs. DP ex wife left him. Ultimately DP has the right to choose who lives in his house as the house goes with his job, so there is no tenancy agreement or mortgage for me to be on.

I was a single Mum for 8 years, always worked and always supported us single handedly. Have no immediate family so never had any support there like other single Mums I know and my ex has never been v reliable or dependable. I owned my own house (now tenanted) and DS and I had our own routines and lots of nice, quiet time. We have a close bond and I am very proud of him. We lived in the town where DS could see his friends and was starting to get some independence.

Try as I might, I just cannot make it feel like home and I think that is down to emotional issues rather than practical ones.

DP is always home and I am at work or looking after 5 kids at weekends or out doing adult things on weekends we don't have all the kids. I never, ever get to be home on my own or with my DS and I miss having that time and space.

House rules and routines tend to be the same ones that have always been in the house, although I have managed to instigate a few new things.

We are having building work done to extend the house and this is a good opportunity for me to put my stamp on things, but as DP is home all day, he is project managing things and I feel like my input is minimal.

DP earns more money than me and therefore tends to pay for luxury things when we go out, leaving me feeling like I'm not "really part of it".

DP, has, I feel, issues with DS and I feel there are a lot of double standards in how his own children behave and how he expects DS to behave - this is a whole other thread, which has been done and I am working on.

We live in a v rural location and we have to ferry all the children everwhere as there are no buses and no transport to school. This literally takes up hours and hours every week and the kids have no freedom.

When I do get a day off, DP brings business clients into the house (he does have an office outside) to make them tea / lunch etc. and I feel I am pushed out of certain rooms.

We have the luxury of a cleaner, which I am v grateful for but I wonder if not cleaning my own home doesn't help? I was v houseproud of my little house before.

DP's family all live close by, so we will entertain them or they will just pop in. I dont' have any immediate family and my best friends don't drive, so can't come and visit unless I pick them up.

DP and his ex wife do not get on and I feel we are used as babysitters for her. I never get any say in when the children come and I have told DP this makes me feel like a lodger even though I do plenty of looking after the children when they are with us.

Reading all that back, I can see why I don't feel like it is my home.

Any opinions would be appreciated.

Only 6 more years, and he will be deemed an adult.

Do you think he looks forward to that?

You know I really don't think DS feels like that. Given the choice he would more than likely be with step kids rather than be just with me. He doesn't seek me out at all when they are at home.

Of course, that doesn't mean that things are right, but things are so much more obvious if a child is obviously unhappy and he isn't.

If I feel sucked into "their family" and no identity of my own, then I assume he must feel the same but because of his lack of life experience, he doesn't understand.

Or maybe, I am just being selfish and in reality I am the only one who is unhappy.

"I want someone who will help me / DS out in life because they want to, not because of what they get back. I suppose like a parent would..."

You really need to rethink this. It is very wrong to be wanted to be looked after as if your partner were your parents. Life is an exchange.

I find it hard not to feel impatient with you, trh. In your last post you've basically said DS is fine beccause he doesn't know any better. What happened to wanting "the best" for your child, emotionally speaking? If the best he knows is life as an appendage, won't that be the best he expects for himself in the future?

Your almost-mute acceptance of this peculiar setup makes me wonder if your own background could be described the same way. You seem to have little sense of why it sounds intolerable, to others, that you feel ill at ease in your own home. Instead of asking your current partner and his family to rearrange their commitments, you've asked someone else (your ex) to rearrange his - so as to gain your own time with your own son.

Why did you look to your ex for flexibility instead of DP? Why do you see yourself (and your ex) as so much less important than DP and his schedule? Why does he?

Bonsoir, I think the OP means like a parent in regards to her DS, not herself.

Reading how your Ds is treated by your dp and his dcs makes me wonder if he really is happy. If he is happy then i would be very concerned indeed as it sounds as if he must have no self esteem. I think that he may be giving you the appearance of being happy because he knows what a big step it was for you both and how much you want it all to work.

If I was in your situation I would be moving back to my house as soon as I could. Not forever but until the dcs are older. If your dp can't accept or understand that things aren't working how they are at present then maybe he isn't the one for you. Your and your ds's happiness is as important as your dp and his dcs.

I'd add that I find it strange that the dcs criticise your ds's school, schoolwork etc.

The comment about unconditional love was actually about me, whilst I don't want to be "looked after" like a child, I do feel that if I don't conform with what DP wants then I am being "unreasonable". I want someone to be there for me should I ever need it. The truth is I haven't "needed" anyone yet, but if push came to shove, I would like to think that DP would be there for me and support me with what I want, even if he might not agree with it. What I am frightened of is that DP only wants me because I conform to what he is looking for and not because of me as an individual with all my traits, good and bad. I also want to feel that some compromise and thought has come from him, although he would deny strongly that he hasn't compromised with me moving in.

I do wonder what an outsider would really think if they were to physically be here. I don't think it looks that bad to an outsider and DP makes all the right noises and asks me all the time about whether I want a cup of tea, what colours I want the walls, where we should eat or whatever but he also says "you can have whatever you want as long as it's what I want also" as a joke.

I understand the inpatience, it's a big decision for me, I only moved in 8 months ago, I wonder if I am really giving things a chance?

I have asked my ex to change the arrangements because I know DP will not consult me at all despite my explaining it to him in several ways. He knows exactly how I feel but I feel he has absolutely no understanding of it whatsover. I also wonder if he gets no quality time with me, that maybe it will help him to understand where I am coming from?

theredhen - I am a stepmother (DSS1 is 15 and DSS2 is 13) and my stepsons are nice, personable, intelligent and as well behaved as can be expected of teenage boys. When I was negotiating with DP where and how we would live, I was immensely clear that there was no way that we were going to live in the town where his ex-wife lived. I wanted to set up a life for him and me that was new for both of us. DP already brought a massive amount of his old life to our relationship and I wanted to ensure there was going to be enough space for me to help us build a new life.

Several years down the line, and it works. We have a new life, a life that is different to the one that he had and the one that I had before we met. I don't actually believe that moving into your DP's exW's shoes/bed/whatever is going to work for you, ever. And I think your DP needs to come to terms with the fact that no self-respecting woman could be happy doing that.

TRH, I think you would be able to work out with the help of others, your current situation if you posted about your past relationships.

I stand by what we discussed in pm's earlier, that I think you are teaching your ds about respect and boundaries for others, and not teaching him about how he can achieve respect or have his boundaries respected by others, as you are not demonstrating that yourself, your ds is copying you TRH!

Redhen, were you very unhappy when you lived with just your DS? I know you've said in your OP that you weren't but you seem very reluctant to confront the possibility that your new situation is not working for or your son.

I know how hard it is to face up to a failed relationship and how frightening contemplating life on your own can be. Like you I had had years of lone parenthood before I got married. But somehow I think the idea of returning back to it was worse... I built it up in my mind and focused on the negative aspects of what my life had been as a single parent. I was also very upset at 'failing' in a relationship... again!

But I am over a year on the other side and can honestly say I am at the happiest time of my life now. I just wish I'd left sooner and given my DS more happy childhood years instead of living in that tense, miserable atmosphere under the critical gaze of my X.

I don't think 8 months is too early on to be able to assess whether this is going to work long-term. Your posts are so telling... I'm really sorry but I don't think this will and I think you probably know that deep down. Your DP is not prepared to make the effort it would take to make you and your DS comfortable and happy at his house. And you CAN'T do it on your own, it takes two.

Perhaps you should redirect your attention to what is making you reluctant to part?

TRH, I had to point out to dp, that our situation was not good for HIS ds. ( I posted earlier about being in your dp's position)
No matter how much I tried to hide my resentment of them being there, I know it must have been picked up on some level, even subconsciously.
Now im not a bad person, but it seems that I was/still am, more concerned for his son's emotional welfare than him, he is desperately trying to hold onto something at the cost of everything else, including his own son's self worth.

pickgo,

Initially I was unhappy being alone, I felt lonely but certainly by the time I met DP I was really content with my life and the life I was making for DS. I was at my happiest when I was with DP but we lived apart. I think I really knew that I was biting off too much by living together, but convinced myself I was just lacking in confidence.

I'm not really scared to go back to being on my own, but I do feel that if I "runaway" now I am somehow failing and not giving things a chance.

DP is pretty happy with life now and no matter which way I turn, I can't seem to make myself happy, but I keep thinking that the happiness is inside me and if maybe some things could change at home, then maybe it will all be OK after all.

DP and I get on pretty well but I do feel he is like a stubborn mule when I try to tackle him on any of this. It's like I am attacking him when all I try and do is gently explain how I feel without being accusational.

Would your dp still be happy if he knew that you are unhappy living together with him?

You should not place his happiness above your own and that of your son.

You need to have a serious chat with him about the dynamics in your home. Have you tried being honest? Does he know you are considering moving out, because you are having to be flexible around him and his family, but nobody can be flexible enough to make you feel "at home" with him?

It shouldn't be your son and you, AND them.

"It shouldn't be your son and you, AND them"

Yes, you are right, DP just wants everything to stay the same or for him to have all the kids all the time. Since I tried to speak to him about, please could he consult me about when he has contact (not about how much!) with his children, he has just kept on telling me how awful it is not having his children 7 days a week, how would I like it if I had to go a week without seeing my son? and how I only do one to one things with his children because I am trying to earn "brownie points".

I am trying to make things work as a family. I have to build a bond with the kids who live with me 3 days a week otherwise we are doomed as far as I am concerned. He obviously doesn't feel the same about my son though.

I have been very honest, saying that I am not happy and I miss my old life and why. All he seems to think is that I am trying to stop him having contact with his kids.

DS doesn't retaliate when DSC critisise his school or his friends. To be fair, they would all do it to each other, not just to him. Whereas I see the others fighting their corner, he doesn't. When I question him on it, he says he doesn't care about it and he will have the last laugh when he does well in school etc. I have also noticed he finds it really hard to say no to them when they want to borrow his stuff. They don't like to spend their own money, preferring to save it, but then they want to play with all DS stuff.

DS can be loud and difficult to manage when the kids are around and is completely different to when we are alone. He has always been a bit of a "show off" around others (I put it down to lack of confidence and being an only child) but I would have hoped he would be behaving a bit more like "himself" by now? Or do all kids behave differently when they are with others?

You are making a lot of effort, I dont see that as scoring brownie points. What efforts does he do?
You said earlier on, as far as he was concerned, you were a mother who lived with his kids, and so were required to BE a mother to them. What about him? What role does HE have, or see himself as having in this new family set up?

It seems to me that all the effort is coming from you.

TRH, you are allowing this situation to benefit the superior people ie your oh and his kids and the needs of you and your ds are being generally being belittled, the situation is being muddied by the contact arangments and his issues with regards to contact, which seem to be in his head not in reality by the sounds of it, it is almost like his way of manipulating you and it works so well doesn't it in confusing you and the REAL issues!!! He is making it ALL ABOUT HIM!!!! You need to look at why you think you are beneath them and allow your dp to think your needs are beneath theirs! You need to look at why you are allowing him to manipulate and confuse you with redherrings etc. He has some serious communication issues by the sounds of it, if everything is about not having his children, he sounds a bit deluded to be honnest from things you have said about him, didn't you say that he wanted the kids more and yet he can't spend the time with them and it will be you caring for them? It could have been via pm or on here!?

I seriously think he is playing the difficult contact card and I seriously would want to have had a good glass of wine (her) with the exwife and get her take on things!

He does make an effort, but I feel it is more practical than emotional - perhaps that is a man thing.

To be fair to him, when we have the kids, and I am at work, I get in, he has started or already cooked the dinner, generally washes up too with the help of one of the kids, he will never leave it to me to deal with the kids while he is there, unless they seek me out and want me or vice versa.

Once his kids go back to Mums, he kind of goes "off duty" a bit more, but then there is less to do and he often does driving for my DS.

I think he sees his role as being exactly the same as it always was. He was trying to discipline my DS as well, but I stopped it because I felt he was "picking" on him and applying double standards. He has backed off since I spoke with him and things are a lot better, although going forward, I'm not sure this is the answer.

The reason the contact is mentioned is because of the latest issue where I feel I am not consulted at all about when the children come, sometimes I overhear him talking to another family member and that is the only way I know that his kids are coming tomorrow or whatever. Generally though it is only the school holidays where this happens, contact is regular every other week, although sometimes he will go and see them out of contact times.

Often, he takes one child off to a club or to friends and obviously I am left with the rest of the children. I know that is part of things and I don't mind this. He also has to work a bit as well when we have the kids at weekends, again I don't mind this as I know it is part of it as long as it's not all day and he does his share of stuff at mealtimes, bedtimes etc.

His kids are of an age where the older ones can look after the younger ones and this is why he wants his children all the time. I suppose his argument is that if he was on his own, this is exactly what he would do even if he out at work all day. MY DS stays at home too sometimes when I am at work, and although DP is often out and about, sometimes he will be in the house with him too, so I suppose it is no different in that he is looking after my DS while I am not in the house? However, 4 children is harder work than just 1 and sometimes I would like some acknowledgement for that.

I think he wants me to feel that unless I have open arms to looking after his kids 24/7 then I am somehow letting him down and not understanding him. I think he wants me to accept that I will never get one to one time with DS now that I have moved in and in fact, should be aiming to have all the children all the time. I think he feels I am letting him down by thinking anything different and yet I understand he needs time alone with me without DS and I make time for this for him even though DS lives with us full time albeit with some contact from my ex. Why can't he acknowledge that I need that time with my DS and can he not see that DS is a different child around his kids and he needs some space?

Does anyone think the behaviour I have outlined with DS is abnormal?

I think he wants me to feel that unless I have open arms to looking after his kids 24/7 then I am somehow letting him down and not understanding him.

Communication problem, you may need a third party here! It also sounds to me as though it is all about HIM and a lack of empathy for you.

I think he feels I am letting him down by thinking anything different and yet I understand he needs time alone with me without DS and I make time for this for him even though DS lives with us full time albeit with some contact from my ex. Why can't he acknowledge that I need that time with my DS and can he not see that DS is a different child around his kids and he needs some space?

TRH, again lack of empathy for you and it is all about HIM!

Poor communication and he is quite selfish also, imho!

I keep seeing it, but what does TRH mean?

The (T), Red (R), Hen (H), TRH! You!

Doh!

Thought it was like TBH - To be honest. lol.