Which way do I go? At a crossroads regarding relationship with my parents.

[JazzieJeff]

Hi! Apologies in advance for long post...

I've posted on this topic before; controlling parents etc. I don't know how to do links etc but if you search my username then you should find the backstory. To cut a long story short; my parents have a history of being quite controlling over me and this came to a head when I became pregnant with my DC last year.

Our relationship became very difficult, I phoned my Mum up for help because I was finding things hard at work (they were threatening my promotion). She said that she sympathised with my work's position and that pregnant women chose to become pregnant and that I would have to 'take it on the chin'. I should probably make it known here that I work for a large organisation, and that this problem was later solved with mediation with my bosses. I then asked how my Dad was, and she said that I shouldn't mention the pregnancy to him because he had 'taken it very hard'. I, at this point (and still am) was married to my lovely DH and had a car and a home together. This was the attitude that I faced for a long time.

When we moved into our current property when I was about midway through my pregnancy, my parents came to visit. My Dad took me to one side on my own and said that he had been 'really fucking angry and disappointed' when we told them I was pregnant, but he said that 'things were the way they were' and gave me a hug [hug]

The last time I asked for advice, people on here told me to wait intil my DC was born. My DC is here now, and things have gotten worse I think.

To be fair they have babysat for us twice, the first time they came over here but were an hour late (no text, phone call or anything; I was getting really worried) because they were looking at holiday homes. Then the second time, we went to their house but in the end we left early because we felt really unwelcome and awkward (sp). Before Christmas, my Mum and I had a conversation that left me feeling like crap. She phoned me and I asked if there was an issue between my Dad and I. She said that Dad felt that it was me with the issue; that my body language was off with him and that I made him feel bad. She also said that she didn't think it was the right time in my life to have a baby but 'he's here now so....' They kept saying this kind of thing through my pregnancy, but apparently it's my 'issue' and they're 'over it' now. Which is great, but they made me feel like shit. I think I'm due an apology; they didn't need to say the things that were said. If they think them, that's one thing; but to say them is quite another, especially in relation to a baby. There are a few home truths I could come out with that would probably really hurt them, but the point is I don't come out with it; where's the point? Live and let live. In the end, my DH phoned and asked them not to come for Boxing Day, because of the things mentioned above and we felt it was all gearing up for a bit of a barney; not something we really wanted to deal with at Christmas. In hindsight, I probably could've dealt with that better and lied and said we had colds/flu but I was really angry at the time. My fault there, I take that one on the chin.

Anyway, the other day a letter dropped through my door from my Mum. She basically listed all the things I've done wrong in the past year and it's all gone downhill since I announced I was pregnant. The thing that gets me is that she says sometimes I've been abrupt with them, but she explains away my Dad's 'abruptness' as him being honest and 'saying it like it is'. Yes, I have been a bit more abrupt of late, but to be honest I've felt like quashing these remarks they've been making. A few times when my Dad called me 'fatty' in late pregnancy, I did rebuke him for it because I thought it was mean and uncalled for. I did let them babysit for a couple of hours because to be honest, I thought it might help them love my DC and build a relationship. Perhaps that wasn't a great plan, but I guess I was trying to give everyone time to bond. My Dad hasn't held him yet

I'm sorry this doesn't probably make much sense, if there's any details I haven't mentioned I'll try to fill them in as I go. I don't know where to go here really. I feel stuck with it all. There are things I could've handled better, for sure but in her letter my Mum says I haven't even told her what's wrong, even though my DH made it clear when he phoned them that it was the way they had treated us since I got pregnant that was the issue. They have 'gotten over it' as they said, but if they're over it, then why can't they apologise? I'm struggling with this. Even reading this back, it sounds really silly like I'm making something out of nothing. I even quesiton myself sometimes because I think that I must be making these things up in my head. If you listen to the way they say it all, they make themselves sound like the most hard done by people in the world, but I'm not that bad a daughter.

What can I do? Am I making it worse in my head?

Thank you in advance

They thought it wasn't the right time in my life. DH and I are both mid 20's

Sounds very weird. Were you ever given medical advice that you shouldn't have children? Is there perhaps some racist thing going on, or other reason why they might feel you married the wrong person and breeding only compounds your initial crime? I can only conclude that unfortunately your parents are Very Peculiar People and there's no pleasing them. I suspect your DH's real fault is that he backs you up against them when you need it, and for that alone I conclude he is the Right Sort of husband.

Mid 20s is ideal baby time!

:( what nasty parents you have,what the hell did it have to do with them that you had a baby?its your life,you are married had your own home,take it both of you were/are working?its sounds like they are pissed of cos its made thier life harder but your the parent not them,tell them to shut up or have nothing to do with them,may sound harsh but maybe so time apart would be better.

They sound very difficult indeed. It's their view that you are pregnant at the wrong time - but, at most, they should have shared that view once and then STFU about it.

They sound toxic. Is therapy an option for you?

how old were they when they became parents?

Annie No both DH and I are the same racial background, they're not like that anyway (I don't think) and we're both fit and healthy.

My Mum wrote that she was hurt that my DH had phoned her about the Boxing Day thing, but I thought it was the right thing to do; I wanted to show her that this wasn't 'in house between the three of us'. My DH is insulted too and he's allowed to speak.

ddubs yes we both work ft. Well, I am on mat leave atm but going back.

The letter neglected to mention that at a family party in the summer, my Dad didn't even greet me, or be in the same room as me; ie I/DH walked into the room; he walked out. My Nan was making conversation about the baby (I was still pregnant) and asked when I was due again. I told her and my Dad piped up and said 'huh, well we'll be away up country that weekend looking at holiday homes'. It was a bit of a conversation stopper. She's 'forgotten' about that though.

How horrible for you. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, but it sounds as if they're envious of you/controlling. :(

I've always found that it's the people who say that they 'just tell it like it is' who are the first to play the victim when someone tells them how it is.

It sounds to me as though they just don't like the fact that they are no longer the main influence in your life and are trying to take back some of that power by being horrible to you. It's their way of making sure you know your place.

I like your dh's approach of pulling them up on their awful comments and behaviour. They need to learn that you won't put up with it anymore. Take a step back from them. If you feel up to it then by all means let them visit, but make it clear they will not be insulting you in your own home. Personally I like the comment someone on another thread suggested. When they say something horrible you say "Did you mean to be as rude as that sounded?"

They will no doubt try the "woe is me, I'm so hard done by" routine but you must ignore it. You deserve to be treated with respect and not as though you were a naughty child.

dropdead My Mum was late 20's and my Dad early 30's. The irony of it is though that my job pays more than theirs and I've seen more of the world than them. So I settled down a bit later; I was so super lucky to find my DH a bit earlier than other people do. What is age? I wouldn't judge anyone who has a baby in her 40's.

Notquite I've thought about it but what would I say to a counsellor? I think I might be a waste of their time. Such a lot of this is little, nitpicky things that have added up over time. Sometimes they're nice though and we get on okay, and then I think I must be making up all the bad things in my head you know?

bluddy I can only imagine they thought I was too young because when I told my Mum she said 'Oh God no, why have you done this?' She did apologise later, but didn't drop the 'I think it's a bad time/you're making work for yourself' line.

jazzie hugs xxxx they really do sound awful,this should be a happy time,congrats on your wonderful little one too xxxx

they sound quite mad and horrible. think you will just have to distance yourself and avoid confiding worries if it just gets thrown back in your face.

They sound like a pair of horrible uncaring people. I would be very tempted to just cut off ties with them.

They are doing nothing to support you, or even show any genuine interest in your family life.

You are not a teenage girl, you are a married woman.

Very sorry to hear about your parents, they sound awful, and your dh sounds lovely. I have a similar situation, years and years of similar stuff both predating both my dds arrivals and carrying on since, my oldest dd wants nothing to do with her grandparents any more after the way they have behaved, and treated her badly as well as myself and my dh.

My parents cant stand dh as he stands up to them and supports me, but control freaks cant handle their victims even appearing to have the upper hand!

I am not advocating this for you necessarily, but we have some peace now as it is nearly ten months since we last had contact, and this was their doing, not mine, but life is so much more pleasant now.

It makes me so sad for my dd's that they have lost their grandparents, but if all people do is bring negative and nasty stuff into a relationship, do they deserve to be in it?!

Enjoy your baby and your own life, and let them get on with being self absorbed and toxic!!

gandalf thankyou

coppertop see, that's what my DH said about the letter. He went 'what are they going to do next, take away your pocket money?' It was basically a list of how I've behaved badly like being abrupt to the point of rudeness; they asked repeatedly what I thought of their make of car. Like loads. Suggested I should buy one. In the end, I just said 'it's not something I would drive; think it's old - mannish'. Apparently they were going to give me the car, but because I was rude they sold it instead. I'm not being funny, but I'm old enough to buy my own things, not live on handouts. They never asked me if I wanted the car anyway; they asked if I wanted to buy it off them and I said no thankyou! Sometimes I know that their advice is well-meaning but I don't want to shop at Netto or buy a 4X4; I work and live in the same sodding town! I'm not trying to be rude but sometimes I don't want to talk about money related things.

They make out like it's still the three of us in a little unit, but it's not. I left home a LONG time ago. I don't want to be part of that life anymore, and I've built my own.

I agree with Coppertop. I doubt it is anything to do with your age really. They may well have grabbed that out of the air as an explanation for the fact they can't cope with their child becoming a real grown-up woman.

The thing is, children do often do things their parents disapprove of, but natural, loving parents forgive and go on loving. Maybe if you were convicted of some horrendous crime their devotion would take a bit of a knock, but I can only think of two or perhaps three things in the world that would make me turn my back on one of my DCs, and having a baby is not one of them!

I am sorry, but your parents do sound quite horrible, and in your shoes I would back off and have as little as possible to do with them.
If I were you, I would possible reply something like this to their letter:

"Dear mum, I have received your letter, and I am sorry that you feel this way. I am very happy with my life at the moment, I have a lovely husband, a wonderful baby, a good job and a nice home. I would have loved for you and dad to be happy for me in my choices. But seeing as you are not, the second best would be for you to keep your disapproval to yourselves. Seeing as neither of this seem possible at the moment, I think it it would be best if we took some time and put some space between us while you can think carefully why you feel this way about me, my pregnancy and my baby. I hope we can resume our close relationship at a later time. Lots of love, Jazzie" , or something to that effect.

You do sound very deflated and miserable with them, but honestly, you have done nothing wrong! They are just weird.

ddubs thankyou, you are very kind

total I know, my Mum texted me last week asking if I could text her once a week letting her know we were ok etc. I then got drawn into a conversation where I said that I would be happy to meet up just she and I to try and sort this out, because Dad and I aren't exactly best mates at the moment. In her letter she said Dad would be really hurt by that because he thinks we are friends. I don't think you treat friends like he treated me.

bubble I have thought of it, I don't want to put my DC at a disadvantage thnough but I'm getting more and more tempted.

kate45 see, I worry also about letting a relationship between my DC and them grow because of the way our relationship turned out. I don't want my Dad calling my DC 'fat' at 12 or being mean. The thing is he can be the nicest bloke ever; really funny and engaging. It's so strange. I thought my Mum was different and kind of dragged along by him but I have to surmarise from this letter that she agrees with him.

How do I react to this letter though? She's bound to text/call me and ask if I got it and what I think. What do I do? I'm getting to the point where, whilst I love them; it's too much now. They're pretending that I've left them totally in the dark with what the problems are. My Mum called them my 'issues'.

... wait, you didn't buy their old car off them? I take it all back then, you are an evil ungrateful daughter and you will go to hell for that alone.

(Going to give it to you my arse. When I offer something to one of my boys I just say "would you like my old so-and-so", "no thanks mum we were going to get a smaller car/bigger telly/new pc", "ok fine". Isn't that what, er, rational human beings do? Or am I more peculiar than I thought?)

Annie I looked at my DC the other day and realised the same thing. There is nothing that he could do that would make me disappointed in that way.

quintessential the thing is, they are saying that they are 'over it all', but if they are over it, then why can't they apologise for the things they've said? If they've accepted it, then surely they can accept that the way they gave their opinions were hurtful? She says she's never said they were 'disappointed' in me; they have though! They seem to conveniently forget these things they've done and just think about what I've done and think the things I've said etc are just because I'm being an arse.

Jazzie, I really feel for you on this. I've just read through your other threads and what you have been through is awful. I have no experience of this tyoe of situation, but your post made me want to contribute.

Your father is a bully and his bullying has an effect on the way your mother treats you. It is not all in your head.

I would be asking myself if I ever saw this situation changing? As others have suggested, therapy might help you come to the answer.

If I were in your situation and thought nothing would ever change I would seriously consider cutting contact with my parents. You have your own little family to think of now and that is what counts here.

You are not depriving you DS of a relationship with your parents as they are doing nothing to show they are deserving of a relationship. From your other posts you DH sounds wonderful, you are a very lucky lady to have someone like him in your corner. Let him stand up for you.

They should not need to be "over it", it is your life, not theirs. They don't behave like they are over it. They sound like dramatizing meddling nut cases, to be frank.

Annie I know right?! I said no thanks to buying their car because I didn't want it, I didn't think it was rude!