Which way do I go? At a crossroads regarding relationship with my parents.

[JazzieJeff]

Hi! Apologies in advance for long post...

I've posted on this topic before; controlling parents etc. I don't know how to do links etc but if you search my username then you should find the backstory. To cut a long story short; my parents have a history of being quite controlling over me and this came to a head when I became pregnant with my DC last year.

Our relationship became very difficult, I phoned my Mum up for help because I was finding things hard at work (they were threatening my promotion). She said that she sympathised with my work's position and that pregnant women chose to become pregnant and that I would have to 'take it on the chin'. I should probably make it known here that I work for a large organisation, and that this problem was later solved with mediation with my bosses. I then asked how my Dad was, and she said that I shouldn't mention the pregnancy to him because he had 'taken it very hard'. I, at this point (and still am) was married to my lovely DH and had a car and a home together. This was the attitude that I faced for a long time.

When we moved into our current property when I was about midway through my pregnancy, my parents came to visit. My Dad took me to one side on my own and said that he had been 'really fucking angry and disappointed' when we told them I was pregnant, but he said that 'things were the way they were' and gave me a hug [hug]

The last time I asked for advice, people on here told me to wait intil my DC was born. My DC is here now, and things have gotten worse I think.

To be fair they have babysat for us twice, the first time they came over here but were an hour late (no text, phone call or anything; I was getting really worried) because they were looking at holiday homes. Then the second time, we went to their house but in the end we left early because we felt really unwelcome and awkward (sp). Before Christmas, my Mum and I had a conversation that left me feeling like crap. She phoned me and I asked if there was an issue between my Dad and I. She said that Dad felt that it was me with the issue; that my body language was off with him and that I made him feel bad. She also said that she didn't think it was the right time in my life to have a baby but 'he's here now so....' They kept saying this kind of thing through my pregnancy, but apparently it's my 'issue' and they're 'over it' now. Which is great, but they made me feel like shit. I think I'm due an apology; they didn't need to say the things that were said. If they think them, that's one thing; but to say them is quite another, especially in relation to a baby. There are a few home truths I could come out with that would probably really hurt them, but the point is I don't come out with it; where's the point? Live and let live. In the end, my DH phoned and asked them not to come for Boxing Day, because of the things mentioned above and we felt it was all gearing up for a bit of a barney; not something we really wanted to deal with at Christmas. In hindsight, I probably could've dealt with that better and lied and said we had colds/flu but I was really angry at the time. My fault there, I take that one on the chin.

Anyway, the other day a letter dropped through my door from my Mum. She basically listed all the things I've done wrong in the past year and it's all gone downhill since I announced I was pregnant. The thing that gets me is that she says sometimes I've been abrupt with them, but she explains away my Dad's 'abruptness' as him being honest and 'saying it like it is'. Yes, I have been a bit more abrupt of late, but to be honest I've felt like quashing these remarks they've been making. A few times when my Dad called me 'fatty' in late pregnancy, I did rebuke him for it because I thought it was mean and uncalled for. I did let them babysit for a couple of hours because to be honest, I thought it might help them love my DC and build a relationship. Perhaps that wasn't a great plan, but I guess I was trying to give everyone time to bond. My Dad hasn't held him yet

I'm sorry this doesn't probably make much sense, if there's any details I haven't mentioned I'll try to fill them in as I go. I don't know where to go here really. I feel stuck with it all. There are things I could've handled better, for sure but in her letter my Mum says I haven't even told her what's wrong, even though my DH made it clear when he phoned them that it was the way they had treated us since I got pregnant that was the issue. They have 'gotten over it' as they said, but if they're over it, then why can't they apologise? I'm struggling with this. Even reading this back, it sounds really silly like I'm making something out of nothing. I even quesiton myself sometimes because I think that I must be making these things up in my head. If you listen to the way they say it all, they make themselves sound like the most hard done by people in the world, but I'm not that bad a daughter.

What can I do? Am I making it worse in my head?

Thank you in advance

coldtits God I am SO sorry to hear of your DS1's learning difficulties and the way your parents treated you. It sounds like the same way my parents would deal with something like that tbh; 'it must be your fault'.
How do you deal with the relationship between your DC and them? Do they have tendencies to treat them as they treated you? You're right, I do need a script I think.

miss they didn't come to the wedding. We wanted a quiet ceremony, just us and parents and maybe have a wider party a few days later. My Dad said he wasn't interested in going if his brother (my uncle, whom I rarely see; I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen him) wasn't invited. We ran off and did it a week before Christmas a couple of years back and told them a few months later they seemed happy for us that we'd made the commitment.

brass I doubt they think that, but to say/do things that they have done must take some form of forethought.

yes, that's what I meant really and totally not what you want from a mum and dad who would ideally be loving, supportive, protective etc

brass I know, it's just kind of odd you know? That they spend that amount of time working this all through. Surely they should be enjoying their freedom now I've left home and gone away?! I know i would be!

you are an only child aren't you?

I am indeed brass

"She told me that my DH's phone call asking them to stay away made her cry in the bath and my Dad very 'emotionally distressed'"
i.e. 'It's all your fault we're not happy.'

Jazzie, it seems your parents will not be satisfied unless you permit yourself to be controlled by them. But actually, that won't lead to any of you being happy, or to them being any nicer to you. It's not an option worth bothering with.

I wonder if the reaction to your pregnancy stems from the fact that it is the ultimate step in being an adult, and a separate, autonomous person. You can and probably did rub along with them before, but once you have a child you live your life very differently. And let's face it it is the ultimate indication you are a free and sexual being, too.

Controlling parents (which they very much seem to be) will never respond well to being confronted with that truth.

I think it would be too much to expect them to apologise or make admissions, because that would require them to have empathy and insight. These are ingrained behaviours that stem from their own deep-seated issues and sadly nothing can magic those away.

The main thing is probably for you to take your own control over levels and types of contact, and to change your behaviour so as to manage their expectations, e.g. so your parents know if they ignore you at family functions they can expect not to have any contact for a good while. Hard as it may be, giving no reaction to nasty comments will probably work better than telling them off.

Rest assured you aren't over-reacting, and it's not you, it's them.

Jazzie, my parents are very similar unfortuantely

I became pregnant at the age of 23 and my mother went ballistic (she literally threw me out of the house) and my father refused to speak to me for upsetting her!

As time went on we got on again but when I suffered with PND I was made to feel like it was my own fault for getting pregnant in the first place.

Since then and after having ds2 we have an okay relationship but as I am in the process right now of splitting up with my abusive partner they have chosen not to "take sides". They actually took him out for a meal last week for his birthday and I stayed at home

Unfortunately I can't give you any advice but I do know how you feel (I was an only child also). I can understand now I am older and wiser why my parents act as they do due to their own dysfunctional childhoods but it does not make it easier to handle. All we can do is try and bring our own children up in a non toxic environment and break the cycle.

bitsnbobs that's so sad I'm so so sorry. I have no idea how you must cope with that situation. I agree, I do worry sometimes about turning into a toxic parent myself; my Dad used to go on these massive rages and sometimes I find myself losing my rag over stupid things and slamming things around. I always have done it; I guess I was just copying what I saw, but it's only been since I've been with DH that I realise that's not normal. I need a better way to deal with my anger as well, but I've no idea where to start with that.

Eldritch thankyou for that. It's nice to hear other people saying 'it's not you, it's them'. I still find it hard to believe.

Any day now my Mum will probably get in contact and ask if I've recieved the letter, which I've so far ignored. What should I say? I want to get on top of this, but I didn't know whether to say something like 'yes I did; you've given me plenty to think about' and leave it there because I really cannot be arsed with an argument. But then does that sound too much like I'm backing down? It does a bit, doesn't it?

If she asks if you've received the letter, could you just say "yes, thank you" and change the subject. In other words just don't engage with her over it.

I find the only way to cope with my mother's difficult personality (only child here too!) is to keep her at arms length - don't discuss (there's really no point), keep to inconsequential small talk, don't share too much information on your life, and most at all don't react to digs. I can be seething inwardly, but try never to show it.

Jazzie,

Would second the counsel not to engage your mother over this letter that she sent (its ammo to aim at you anyway). Do not in particular say anything to her along the lines of, "yes its given me plenty to think about".

Infact I would shred any communication you receive from her because its only going to be full of bile and spite. Shredding it will give you some power. Ignore any further written communication and get caller ID installed on your landline.

You will not become a toxic parent because you realise that your ill and abusive treatment at the hands of your parents was and remains wrong so you have broken that particular cycle. You have something that they do not; insight and empathy. You won't treat your children the way you were treated as a child.

Would reiterate this point as well - its not you its them. Hard to believe but believe that you must. You did not, repeat did not, make them this way. Their parents did that.

Jazzie, I would urge you to seek counselling for your own self re your parents and how you have been treated by them to date. BACP have a list of counsellors and won't charge you the earth. Your understandable anger (and yes you were copying what you saw) needs to be expressed in a safe controlled environment.

Do read the books I mentioned earlier as well. You can escape the FOG and reclaim your life.

scared thank you. Is it something common to only children, I wonder? I was really up for sorting this whole thing out and meeting just us two, face to face. I felt if we involved my DH and Dad, things might get heated. But instead, she just took massive offence that I suggested leaving my Dad out. I really was up for sorting all this out. Now, I don't know what to do. I feel whatever I say it's wrong. I know it sounds mean, but I can't even be bothered to speak to them; I can't be doing with the hassle.

It does upset me to think of my Mum not having a relationship with my DS. I don't want to be tight on him. I literally have no idea what on earth to do next. I need a script. I need to know what to say.

Attila Yes, I do feel stuck in a cycle of guilt. I have asked DH to hide the letter from me so I can't look at it unless I ask.

I have recently confided in my uncle about things that happened recently and in my childhood. I can't say some things because I don't understand why he said and did them and it makes me feel a bit wrong and almost dirty inside myself. He and my aunt (he's my Mum's brother) are coming to stay this weekend and I didn't know whether to how him the letter. I've told him about things and he said that when my Mum met my Dad, she turned from a proper fun loving, party girl into a really, closed, prim and quiet person. He said he didn't even recognise her sometimes. I do feel like she's chosen him over me. I'm not sure why, there was never a point where she had to choose, but I do still feel like I bit of a reject.

you want your DS to have a relationship with her but is she capable of giving anything different to him bearing in mind they haven't even attempted to bond with him yet? Where is all the outpouring of grandparental love and concern for his well being?

Do you want to subject your DS to her mindgames as well?

brass I know.

They are very passive agressive and controlling arent they?

How awful for you.

How would you feel if you cut all ties with them?

Would it hurt you? Would you be sad? Would it make a huge difference to your life?

these are questions I am asking myself a lot lately

the only reason I say that is because you'll tear yourself into bits feeling guilty about depriving your DS of grandparental relationships when the reality is you're protecting him from their crap.

If they're not bringing anything positive to his life keep them away. At any rate give them a very cool period of little or no contact so they can absorb what life will be like without their precious daughter.

And you may not feel precious in the way they treat you but you obviously are in that they want to possess you so much iyswim. They need you more than you need them and maybe it is this realisation that has sent them to planet bonkers.

Jazzie, it's not just only children, but in families with more than one child you tend to get a dynamic where one child is the favoured one who is seen as meeting the parents' expectations and the other one is cast in the role of 'difficult' or 'a failure' or whatever. The principal is the same, though.

FWIW (as the veteran of a lot of these conversations/confrontations) I wouldn't say 'You've given me lots to think about', because that sounds like accepting fault. You do need a script, and it needs to be one that makes it clear that you are not prepared to engage with their bonkers-ness.

This is why a line like, "I hear that you are unhappy with the choices I have made. I'm sorry you feel that way", is such a powerful one, because it says that you are refusing to engage with their complaints, and gives them absolutely no hook to hang the next attack on. You just have to keep repeating it until they realise you're not going to crack.

Hard to do, but worth it in the end.

principle, argh.

polly I like that line, I think I will use it. It's not too confrontational, is it? And I think it kind of cuts the conversation dead, which is what I want.

Ithink I'm sure it's not, but it feels like it sometimes! I always used to be surprised when I was a kid that no one else was scared of their parents; like genuinely scared. I always felt a lot of pressure to 'perform'.

RMCW Sometimes I think I could just cut them lose; it would be so much easier. And it really would. No more tying my tummy in knots waiting to ring them because I'm worried about how it's going to go; ditto the visits. I've got caller ID on the phone and the past couple of days I've actually thought about blocking their numbers/changing mine and getting the main gate code changed to my road. I've really thought it through, with no sobbing for the first time. I do get upset when I think about my Mum's reaction to not seeing my DC. She would genuinely be upset, I do know that.

brass after the family bbq in the summer I did actually not bother speaking to them for about six weeks. No texts, nothing. I ignored the first call, and picked up the second. My Mum spoke to me as if NOTHING had happened. She spoke quickly, as if she was nervous and said things like 'nan and grandad seem to think there's a problem between us, but of course I told them there's not' and 'I know we haven't spoken but what with your job stress and house move I thought you might like some space'. For a few weeks they were brilliant; really upping the positives and saying what a success I had made of my life etc... then it all went back. I have NO idea what went on there.

Jazzie - you and your dh sound like lovely people, and I would be so proud if you were my child.

I wish I had some helpful advice to give you, but I don't have the firsthand experience that sadly you and others on this thread have had. I hope that the advice you have had here helps, and I wish you all the happiness in the world with your lovely dh and ds.

SDTG Thank you. That is a very kind thing to say

I can relate to so much of what you say, being scared as a child, stomach in knots at the thought of ringing - only my Mum, not my Dad, although my Dad doesn't get involved, I think he just wants a quiet life.

Just this past couple of years, I have had short periods without contact with my Mum, 6 weeks or so each time. When either she or I have finally phoned, both of us have pretended that nothing unusual has happened, me because I refuse to discuss things with her, and her because - well, actually I've no idea why....

I'm in my forties now, and have finally accepted that things will not change, and I will not engage and accept her barbs. My children (older teenagers) know what she is like, they have both experienced it first hand from her, and keep their distance now.

Jazzie you won't change her, she doesn't want to change, probably doesn't realise that she should change. All you can do is protect yourself and your child from further hurt. You will need distance to do that, either complete no contact or limited and superficial contact. But you're in a good place to do that, you have a nice life, a supportive husband etc etc. Try to enjoy the good stuff in your life and push the bad, them, to the edge where you don't have to think too much about them, and they have far less power to keep hurting you.

Realising and accepting that they won't change will be very helpful in continuing to deal with them.

Those few weeks when they obviously felt they had to tread carefully illustrate just how much they are willing to adjust to maintain contact.

They are capable of being civil so hold on to that and keep expecting that level of interaction. If they become unbalanced remove yourself. Repeat as necessary.