Don't feel fanciable at 42

[ostracized]

So, just come back from first bit of this afternoon's school run with two dds, due to go back and get ds in a minute. When picking up dd in reception, saw nursery teacher in her class on whom I have had a monster crush for three years now (he was both dds' teacher when they were in nursery). There was no reason to even say hello as did not catch his eye and as usual this sort of thing makes me feel like crying.
Then when I got home looked at myself in the mirror and thought who am I kidding anyway - I am 42.
So my question is, and this is probably going to sound silly, is it still be possible to be fancied at my age? Is marriage partly there so we still get an opportunity to shag despite no longer being as fresh faced? Know this is cynical and I am sure loads of married people really love each other, but as dh and I have a very difficult relationship which is at the moment characterised by total and absolute detachment, I don't feel very positive.
I would just love it if I thought somebody had a monster crush on me!!!!!
Probably sound totally naive but please be kind if this is what you think!

I am 44 so the answer had better be yes especially as h left last Christmas !!!

Seriously I suppose its going to be the same factors that apply at 24,34,44 etc just tailored to ones age iyswim ?

It definitely is. I have a 42 year old friend and she is gorgeous and fancied by many of eligible men.

Of course it's still possible to be fanciable at 42! I know loads of women in their 40s and 50s who are utterly gorgeous, my wife amongst them (she's just turned 40).

Younger women are often so bland and uninteresting by comparison.

Nigella Lawson's older than that and loads of people lust after her

I so know how you feel,I am older than you (47) and I too feel as though if I was single no-one would fancy me!I think in my case (maybe also in yours?)its partly that I've had my children late,and moved to an area where women have their babies much earlier,so I'm granny age,even though I'm still bf a toddler.I'm also aware that my cycle is changing,than the big "M" can't be that far away,and all that makes me feel over the hill .However,on the bright side,my best friend has a crushee,he has so clearly got a monster crush on her,and she is my age,so....
I want to send a virtual hug to mymblesson for cheering me up!

Certainly.
My aunt "pulled" in her late 70's, and I know several 42+ women who are very fanciable. I have a good friend from schooldays who divorced at 40-odd and has never been without at least one man in her life. It's not so much her looks (although she has got those) so much as her attitude. What's the opposite of "fanny-magnet"? She's one of those.

A pleasure helly and hug returned. Far too much emphasis on yoof these days. Older women are fab.

I quite enjoy the chance to focus on other things than if men fancy me. Well preserved as I am, they don't notice me they way they did when I was 20. I suit myself not men.
as for nursery teacher, it's the end of day rush, bet he wouldn't have noticed - was going to say Elle McPherson, but she must be 40+ the focus tends to be on pairing dc with their belongings and the right parents
sounds to me as if your marriage is making you generally miserable and you need to find a way forward there

I don't feel fanciable at 35 so I know what you mean! Men don't look at me in the way they did when I was 20 either.

However, to comfort you, I think men look less at women with kids in tow, whatever their age, because they just perceive them to be less available (rightly or wrongly).

Agree with Ninah that it is probably the situation with your DH making you feel worse, and that you need to address whatever it is.

would you fancy yourself? if the answer is no then you need to do something about that.

diet. exercise. treats and self-improvements.

life is a work in progress so if you aren't happy with what looks back at you from the mirror do something about it.

as a teen your appearance generally reflects genetics. as a 42 year old it increasingly reflects lifestyle. to me lifestyle has so much more to fancy about it than genetics as it reflects the person inside.

Thank you. It's true that a thinking, excited, happy face is far more attractive than a self-obsessed miserable one (not that I think I am that but am slightly obsessed with the whole ageing thing at the moment). Also that health and lifestyle play a part. Sometimes like what I see in the mirror sometimes not. Need to maximise the bits I like - exercise also a good idea plus stress reduction! Have never had loads of guys after me so don't miss that but if the whole fancying thing is linked to reproduction, what happens when we start approaching the age of non reproduction?

True that my marriage is a big issue but after many years of problems and heartache, now think that dh and I would honestly be better off without each other. How you do that with three young children (well, 4, 6 and 9 years old) I don't know and for the moment am shelving the whole issue. At the same time I don't want to live the rest of my life with no affection / love from a man. I would so like someone to want to take me out and say nice things to me and be a part of my emotional life.
Anyway, that aside, sure teacher doesn't mind who says hello to him and who doesn't as all parents know him and it's quite normal to pick kid up and go. Feel sad about him because he is just soooo nice :) and not part of my life in any way anymore - at least last year my daughter was in nursery with him and I got to see him / hear him talk every day . Sound like a teenager now I know.
With regards to the age thing, think he must've known about my crush at some point and hope he wasn't thinking "well fine, but I wish it was that 32 year old who fancied me instead????" - he himself must be about 50.

I am 46, and have the most gorgeous, wonderful sexy new partner. and I'm no oil painting! so yes, it is well possible! And great!!! :)

Well, I'm much older than you and single so I hope so!

Having said that, I feel much more fanciable now without twuntish XH than I did when I was (unhappily) married. Let's hope that someone out there thinks I'm fanciable too at some point.

does your DH know that you are psychologically separating from him in this way? it sounds like you need to talk about it to him. it's only fair. after all you did make vows.

I strongly suspect your relationship (or lack of) with your husband is contributing to making you feel this way. I remember your previous posts.

Lots of people with young children manage to separate and surely you - and they - deserve a better life without witnessing how unhappy (and undesirable) your husband makes you feel.

Hi kepler - he must know that things are not right and in the argument we had last week I said "could we separate"? - in the middle of the heat of the moment and upset.... he said "do what you like"..... the thing is that we are not able to talk about anything to do with "us" and moreover I don't think he really cares as he is uncommunicative, uncompromising and very obviously showers all his affection on the kids. I have to withdraw to protect myself because it is no good thinking that one day he will like me more. There is a lot of water under the bridge of our relationship and there are things which I wish I hadn't done or said that have damaged us, but he has done a lot of damage too. He can be very damning in the way he speaks, and has a bad tempered judgemental side which I don't like. Before christmas he didn't talk to me properly for two months because of an argument we had. Therefore I conclude that we cannot have anything more than superficial conversations because if I ever do match the kinds of things he says to me sometimes or behave in a very angry way, then he punishes me by withdrawing completely and sulking endlessly. He comes from a family of sulkers and does not talk at all to two of his sisters or mine. This is the stuff I don't like. At best when he is in a good mood and we are getting on okay then we can have a laugh about the kids and he can be quite funny. He is mostly very nice to the children and loves them awfully. He is convinced that all our problems are due to the fact that I am somewhat messy (used to be very disorganised, this is better than it was but am not yet totally tidy by quite a long stretch). I have spent years thinking that when the house is spotless he will suddenly be more affectionate. I no longer believe that's true! Even though there were things which pulled us together initially and I can see why we did get together and certainly we had some good times, I now think that his lack of emotional openness is really stifling. I would also like to feel "good enough" as I am.
Sorry have written another essay and hope I don't sound aggressive though probably come across as slightly defensive. Malinkey I know families manage to separate but I feel really selfish even contemplating this. My logic goes that really I should get me and my dh back on an even keel of talking fairly companionably every day about the children and about his work and my volunteering.... and give up on any ideas of us being closer than that. I would be able to do that but part of me seems to want to sabotage even that for the sake of some illusory romantic relationship.

You are prime pickings for an affair

Possibly very soon you are going to have your head turned by a player who senses your vulnerability, and you will get very, very hurt

Do you realise that ?

Your husband sounds like a horrible bastard

An exit affair may not be such a bad thing in your situation if and this is a big if there were no children involved

your children are being hurt now (by your unhappiness, and the foul way they will be witnessing their mother geting treated)

you getting caught up in something else would be worse though

I suspect you are may be hugely offended by my post, but hey, I see the signs even if you don't

in your situation, I would be seeking a way to dissolve my marriage as amicably as I could

and then making my own life, with or without another bloke in it, but most likely with

How can you and why is it your responsibility to get everything back on an even keel when it's him who chooses to ignore you for two months for daring to voice an opinion he disliked?

He might shower the DCs with affection but they are witnessing the way he treats you. Would you like them to be in the same position as you when they are older? Or even to be punishing their partners by sulking? They learn about relationships from their parents.

Why don't you think that you are important enough to have to put up with this?

x-posted with AF

Hi AF - I'm not offended and you've said the same thing to me before. Yes I know I could get hurt my someone but I consider it something that would happen only if dh and I weren't together anymore as morals etc aside, I really don't see how I would ever meet anyone while I'm in my situation (mother at school constantly doing drop offs and pick ups with a load of mum friends and that's kind of it). Thing is do you not think that I should concentrate totally on my family - de-clutter house so dh is more relaxed - and make the best of what I have? Three gorgeous children and a husband who is very hardworking (in fact his workaholism is one of our problems) and loves them dearly and who I could undoubtedly keep in a better mood if I tried? Maybe I have just answered all my own questions! Difficult to get rid of the need for romance though.

Seriously! You have to declutter the house to make your husband relaxed? You have to keep him in a better mood? Why on earth is his behaviour your responsibility? Did you make him sulk for two months?

have I said it to you before ?

well, I do always say I am consistent

hey, we can't tell you what to do

I am not a "romantic" person, but I think the person you are with should make you happy, and not make you feel bad

this bloke makes you feel bad, and he does it on purpose

if you think your dc don't notice, and you are considering staying with someone who uses mental cruelty to get his own way, for their sake you are very sadly misguided (IMO)

it is an MN cliche now...but men like this are not good fathers

in some ways, I am glad you are wondering if other men would find you attractive (I think they soooo would) because you are at least considering a life without him

but you are a sitting duck, the way hings stand

some romeo is gonna come along and you will be he one to get hurt

have you spoken to H about the fact you are considering whether another relationship would be an improvement on the one you've got ?

I shall leave it to malinkey to express incredulousness at the way you are considering bending over backwards to keep him happy

Stepford Wifedom is brought to mind

I'm 42 and met the love of my life last year after a miserable marriage. In extreme contrast to my exH, he frequently tells me I'm beautiful and he tells me he loves me every day, several times a day. Give him a chance and he'll go into a long list of reasons why too!

There's still a lot of truth in the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', I think.

sorry malinkey missed your post which crossed with AF's... to answer all points, I do worry that the kids will end up in equally functional relationships where affection is never or very rarely expressed and certainly never shown (ie. we never touch each other). To put dh's behaviour slightly into context, for about the last 7 years we have been in debt due to businesses failing etc... so he had the constant brunt of financial worry on his head as part of the way we are set up is that the money thing is all his (he owns all of house etc...). Of course dc were very small during this time and it would not have been worth it for me to go out to work and pay for childminding as don't have huge earning power. Now that youngest dd in reception this year I am spending some of my time volunteering in dcs' school and doing a course to become a teaching assistant. If I do get a job next academic year then it's not going to make a huge amount of difference to us. I think dh feels that in some ways I don't pull my weight - I certainly have a much easier life than he does in some ways without the pressure of money hanging over my head all the time (well it does but I don't actively have to go out and do something about it whereas he has no choice). To add insult to injury I have had / have the tendency to overspend (partly compensating for poor relationship, partly just being greedy I suppose). When my mother died four years ago, she left me and my sister some money. I have lent dh some of it but in reality wonder if I should have put all of it into the family pot to help alleviate things. I didn't do this because the house (as said above) completely belongs to him and the thought of pouring my mum's money into a house which does not belong to me and to have dh be bad tempered whenever he felt like it in addition to this, was something which I did not like. So I have access to this pot of money for things like kids' activities or holidays we go on as a family or clothes for myself but it is a weirdly unfair situation for dh I suppose. He is very anti buying anything and I would buy him clothes and such stuff but he doesn't necessarily like the stuff I pick and always manages to find cheaper stuff than I find. I have bought significant bits of furniture for the house. Anyway it wasn't an ENORMOUS amount and it is fast being used so ...... Just trying to say that in a way dh has been broken by work and does not have the energy to think of anything else in some ways.
Thanks for saying other people would find me attractive AF :)
lilacisinlove - I'm happy you have met the love of your life and he is telling you frequently how much he loves you! Yes I do agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that if you fall in love with someone they are amazing as far as you are concerned.