Don't feel fanciable at 42

[ostracized]

So, just come back from first bit of this afternoon's school run with two dds, due to go back and get ds in a minute. When picking up dd in reception, saw nursery teacher in her class on whom I have had a monster crush for three years now (he was both dds' teacher when they were in nursery). There was no reason to even say hello as did not catch his eye and as usual this sort of thing makes me feel like crying.
Then when I got home looked at myself in the mirror and thought who am I kidding anyway - I am 42.
So my question is, and this is probably going to sound silly, is it still be possible to be fancied at my age? Is marriage partly there so we still get an opportunity to shag despite no longer being as fresh faced? Know this is cynical and I am sure loads of married people really love each other, but as dh and I have a very difficult relationship which is at the moment characterised by total and absolute detachment, I don't feel very positive.
I would just love it if I thought somebody had a monster crush on me!!!!!
Probably sound totally naive but please be kind if this is what you think!

I don't blame you for not putting your inheritance into the family "pot" since you don't effectivley have one

why are you living in a house that is only his ?

surely that makes you very, very vulnerable were he himself to decide he has had enough/start shagging the local floozy/suddenly upsticks, buy a motorbike and fuck off into the sunset ??

mind you, I have never "got" this separate finances thing when you are in a long term partnership with children, so I am bound to go

and of course you worry about finances just as much as he does...in some ways your helplessness could be said to be more damaging in that at least he is out there trying to do something about it

he thinks you have an easier life ? Now why doesn't that surprise me...I'll bet he flings that in your face as a regular occurrence doesn't he ?...

I felt like you although I was single at the time. I didn't think anybody fancied me and I even started to dress and act in an "a sexual" manner. I was gender non specific. Anyway, went to a company leaving party and one bloke confessed that he had loved me since he started at the company and said he was sure that I knew how he felt about me and that's why he used to ignore me. (For my part, i had no idea. I was being welcoming when he started and I hadn't even noticed he was ignoring me!) He wasn't my type but it didn't half give me a lift. I have often mentioned to friends that you often don't know who admires you from afar so I think you should start to think of yourself as the irrestible person that you are and walk with your head held high, shoulders back and enjoy being you again!

No he doesn't really fling it in my face but in our argument last week he told me I do "nothing" - it's true that house could be tidier but I definitely don't do nothing. Plus we all have days where we flake out and I also have a tendency to be slightly depressive and so have to manage that.
I'm not vulnerable to him running off into the sunset really since he would somehow never do that, he is in that way very responsible. Plus, as he has told me, since we are married I do have "rights" with regards to a portion of the house. (Not the same as actually owning half of it I think as the only way I could get hold of it is in an acrimonious divorce). When we were first together I asked him if he would wait until I was able to afford a joint mortgage with him but he said absolutely not... the houses he has bought since then have been out of my reach and so my money that I earnt (and that I get now) has always been used to pay for food etc.... Thing is he could have agreed to put both our names on the mortgage but he would still have effectively been paying for a lot more of it if not all of it - so in a way would there have been any point. I suppose it might have felt different. Additionally he comes with baggage because his first wife (also not on deeds) got the whole of their house when they divorced and he is very bitter about this (he was left with another smaller property which was part of his business but his house was really his pride and joy and was bigger and much more valuable). In the past when I mentioned my name being on the deed, I think it just rang first divorce alarm bells.
In hindsight (and I would certainly advise dds to do this), I should have been totally financially independent and with much more of a career going on, before hooking up with someone else.

Thanks for your kind message textualhealing - I missed it. I bet bloke confessing love did give you a lift... yes I suppose that admirers from afar are hardly going to run up to married woman with kids and confess their feelings so there might even be a few of them around . Thanks again. Yes will hold head up high!

I think you need to learn to like and appreciate yourself again.

You won't be able to do this continuing in your marriage.

Normal behaviour from a bastard to have a mortgage with only his name on it. Very sensible women that I know are also in this situation. I did it once.

Please don't be scared of being a single parent. I find it a wonderful thing on the whole. The alternative is unthinkable.

hi earwicga - I can see that being a single parent must be liberating in lots of ways if you are in a relationship like mine which is kind of dead or feels dead at any rate - it's just that I have no idea how you get from where I am to being happily single and co-parenting well (hopefully) with ex partner. Also, having chosen dh and had children with him (and I desperately wanted kids) it seems unthinkable that I would split the kids' family. I completely and totally understand why it happens but maybe my relationship is not bad enough? It's just not close. Also, am terrified of what being apart from kids at times would be like. Especially youngest dd who is still very attached to me (she's going to be five in March). Being told when I can and cannot see my own kids would just blow my mind with its strangeness. I don't wish to offend you or anybody else who deals with this as I can totally and absolutely relate to why it happens, I'm just terrified of particularly this aspect of it. Plus think decision to separate is extremely brave, and there should be more of a formula in society for people who wish to co-parent but no longer live together (echoing someone else's words here on mumsnet) as truth is that lots of relationships go stale or run their course and divorcing but still maintaining good relations with ex and look after kids together should be made easier by societal understanding and support - not the judgement and stigma which I think often happens.

By it's just not close I mean not affectionate.

im 24 and hate myself

ostracized - I now feel like a little bit of a fraud. I've not had to deal with that. After he left (his choice when I was pregnant) he wasn't interested. I don't know how I could of coped with it if he was, and like you totally admire people who do. I did have to deal with my children's reaction when a later relationship (not living together) ended and that was hard enough.

My mother stayed in an awful relationship 'for the children' and because of what could happen after regarding visitation, custody etc. It didn't do us any good. I don't blame my mother, but I just wish she could of have had a happier life.

Actually, once you get to your 40s, you are likely to be very attractive to younger men who want some fun (which may not be so helpful to those of you who are looking for a new committed relationship). Single men in their 40s or so often want younger women to breed with, single younger men like older women because older women have either had their DC or never wanted any in the first place but have got past that terrifying-ticking-clock stage that some go through.

don't worry earwicga - you're not a fraud :) - in what way did your mother staying with your father not do you any good? I suppose as adults we are able to think that we would have liked our parents to be happier but as kids we would just be devastated by how a separation felt? Though I have heard lots of people say that often the kids are more relaxed after a divorce as the atmosphere is not so tense. That's after having got over the whole trauma of it I suppose.

Ivette? Why? That is so sad!

Missed your post SGB.... I totally write off the possibility of younger men finding me attractive but suppose it is possible

'Tense' wasn't the word for it. I will have a think about the negative ways it affected me and my siblings - never really specified them before and probably still won't be able to.

But I sincerely believe having happy/happier parents would of made life an awful lot better. But who's to know really.

I've just read a few of your other OP's ostracized and really really hope that sooner rather than later you get out of this awful horrible relationship. Have you any friends left in real life to help you?

I'm 42 and had 2 blokes trying to get me to go home with them Sat night, and I was out with Dp!! There were a lot of us sitting socialising and tbh one was a bit drunk Still nice to be fancied 'suppose?

Yes it is possible to be fanciable at 42. I think a lot of attraction is to do with confidence and sex appeal. You can be young stunning but not hot.

I can't explain it earwicga - things are not DREADFUL between dh and I (other than the arguments which happen and his grumpiness), but they are kind of dead. Don't know if this warrants me upping sticks though. Definitely can't think about it at the moment as trying to do this course (essay due to be posted on thursday and I have only just started it, don't know why I leave everything so late). If I found that after having finished by course, got a job and sorted the house out a little, things between dh and I were still totally dead, then there aren't that many people in RL I can rely on. An aunt who lives in kent. My sister up the road but I couldn't really stay with her. I do have some friends but not of the variety who would have me and 3 kids to stay indefinitely. Thanks for reading my other posts - I have also posted by the name of arabella2 and I shudder to think at how much of a repetitive common theme there would be if I looked at all my posts over the years!
Curiousmama - yes confidence is key!

I'm going to bed now but thanks all for your posts :)

night ostracized,sweet dreams, keep posting

I hope you get your essay in on time.

Btw, SGB already explained it on another thread - he hates women.

Thx re essay wishes. Don't think he hates women, just think that the dynamic between us is not an equal one really in that he dictates the way the relationship "is" more than me (ie. no outward signs of affection etc....). It is also very difficult to discuss anything difficult with him without him getting annoyed so it is easier not to. He has a short temper which I really don't like. I think he personally does not like some aspects of my character (but then nor do I like some of his) and I also think that in many ways he would rather be alone - he doesn't invest in the "relationship" because in reality he does not really need it or want it - or not with me anyway. He is 12 years older than me and fiercely independent in a way and I think a very strong, independent, sorted and above all tidy woman would suit him. I have just spoken to him on the phone and he has said that his infection (he was on penicillin last week) seems to be coming back - and I feel sorry for him. He works very hard and feels tired a lot. I could definitely be his friend but I think that the time for us to be in a closer relationship than that is over.

I'm 40 and I hope I am still fanciable ! My DH certainly still fancies me and I notice some men looking at me on the street. I like to take care of myself though - I enjoy looking after my skin and hair and body (curvacious). I think that if I "gave in" and stopped caring about myself then I would not be fanciable.

Try and "fancy yourself" first.

PS, OP I know it's easy for me to say "try and fancy yourself first" as your situation is difficult but please try and find a kernel of inner strength and inner self-respect and build on it slowly. How you feel about yourself should be dictated only by you first and foremost and no one else....

thx orissiah - yes you are right - am really enjoying volunteering and really would like a job next year as interacting with lots of people makes me feel so much happier than staying at home so that's something concrete that I can work towards no matter what.... yes it's true that I don't have to wait for a man to tell me I look nice or whatever, for validation.... lots of people don't have intimate partners (which is how I feel) and they just get on with their lives so maybe I should too?

That's the spirit :-) To be blatantly honest, I am naturally quite a shy, introverted person and always struggle with confidence issues, but two things have worked for me as I've gotten older:

1. Put on a front - if I pretend to be confident then 9 times out of 10 I begin to feel it
2. Do things for myself first - I want to look good for myself, I want to go out and do XYZ activity for myself

I keep reminding myself that I have a DH and a DD and I put their needs at the forefront of every day but I also put my needs at the forefront every day too.

Baby steps - put some eye shadow on and deep-condition your hair today; get DH to look after your kids and go see a movie on your own... etc etc.