Don't feel fanciable at 42

[ostracized]

So, just come back from first bit of this afternoon's school run with two dds, due to go back and get ds in a minute. When picking up dd in reception, saw nursery teacher in her class on whom I have had a monster crush for three years now (he was both dds' teacher when they were in nursery). There was no reason to even say hello as did not catch his eye and as usual this sort of thing makes me feel like crying.
Then when I got home looked at myself in the mirror and thought who am I kidding anyway - I am 42.
So my question is, and this is probably going to sound silly, is it still be possible to be fancied at my age? Is marriage partly there so we still get an opportunity to shag despite no longer being as fresh faced? Know this is cynical and I am sure loads of married people really love each other, but as dh and I have a very difficult relationship which is at the moment characterised by total and absolute detachment, I don't feel very positive.
I would just love it if I thought somebody had a monster crush on me!!!!!
Probably sound totally naive but please be kind if this is what you think!

yes I'm quite shy and introverted too though enjoy socialising a lot.... I don't know how being shy works with getting older because it feels slightly ridiculous to have the same feelings of inadequacy as when I was a teenager for example (not completely true but you know what I mean) - maybe putting on a front is what everybody else is doing too

A lot of people are putting on a front in different aspects of their lives - life is a stage, after all ;-) If you can't beat them, join them!

ostracized, for what it's worth, and from a man's pov, you really don't need to worry about anything where being fanciable is concerned.
You have so many things going for you:

• you are a woman, and men love women!
• women are hugely self critical when they look in the mirror, and men worth meeting don't see the same 'flaws'
• age is positive: my wife and I (47) separated last year, and I subsequently met a wonderful lady (47) on line. We clicked by email first so we already knew we would get on when we met. In other words the experience and intelligence you have count for a huge amount now, so how you look is only part of it. I believe any man who is only concerned about how someone looks is not worth considering anyway, whereas when we are young that's all we worry about.

So once you have decided what to do in your current relationship, if you move on it's positive all the way

it sounds like there is a lot of resentment and stuff brewing under the surface on both sides. you feel angry with your husband for not showing affection and making you feel adored and he feels angry that you have a cushier number than him and also aren't as houseproud as he'd like. both of you is punishing the other, withholding affection (mental, physical and verbal) from the other and also plotting ways of possibly hurting the other (affair).

regarding the single mortgage i do sort of understand. i came to my marriage from a destructive relationship and my husband had a lot of debt. having the house in my name (i'm the main earner) gave me a sense of security and control that i'd lost in my previous breakup. if you are not planning on leaving it doesn't really matter whose name the deeds are in - it only matters (and then only slightly) in a breakup situation.

as for his dismissive comment of "do what you like" when you mention the breakup this sounds like the sort of childish comment me and my husband throw around when we have a blazing row.

the problem is that relationships are only as strong as both partners commitment to them. it sounds like your commitment is seriously compromised and so the death knell is already sounded before we even get to the bottom of his attitude.

contemplating an affair is however the wrong way to go. make a decision to be in or out of your marriage and sort that out without third parties. surely even if you have lost the love for your husband, the man you once were happy with and gave children to at least deserves that level of respect.

hi sunraysthruclouds and kepler
thanks for the info sunraysthruclouds - of course try to think that experience and character matter as well but it's nice to have that reinforced :)
I do agree kepler that there is a lot of resentment on both sides and that I could be making more effort with some things (eg. looking after house), but I am not contemplating having an affair at all, I can't see it happening and also dh is my first boyfriend and I am quite shy/naive in lots of ways, I guess this thread was about asking for reassurance on the attractiveness front and also because I feel lonely
it sounds as if my commitment is compromised but how can I be committed to someone who is so difficult and seems to be totally uninterested in me on so many levels - mentally I have withdrawn in lots of ways but if you saw him every evening on his laptop from 8pm to 2am in the morning often only talking or looking up if he feels like it, you would see how withdrawn he is too
i could try to patch things up with him by talking but he doesn't do talking, he also blames me for all problems it seems so it is difficult to be in an equal situation with him
he is the kind of person who no matter what effort you are making in one area, will find fault with something else - this side to him does seem to have got a little better recently but I can never fully trust that he won't go back to that
i don't think dh cares that i have withdrawn as much as i have - in some ways it makes his life easier as he only has to think about work and the kids

sorry, keep on thinking of more things: dh can also be extremely dismissive/derogatory in the way he speaks to me - he might then forget about it but I don't - also he used to make every one of my weekends a real misery with his constant moaning about things I hadn't done and being only nice to the kids, if I withdraw as well it means I am much less hurt by this
I think my being committed to dh means doing the things he wants but totally accepting that I will never get the things I crave (physical affection, being told I am loved, a feeling of equality and fun) and I find it hard to accept this in my head
i know we have to accept people as they are and there are things I like about dh, but i just don't think we are really suited anymore or that he really needs me other than in terms of my function

sorry, keep on thinking of more things: dh can also be extremely dismissive/derogatory in the way he speaks to me - he might then forget about it but I don't - also he used to make every one of my weekends a real misery with his constant moaning about things I hadn't done and being only nice to the kids, if I withdraw as well it means I am much less hurt by this
I think my being committed to dh means doing the things he wants but totally accepting that I will never get the things I crave (physical affection, being told I am loved, a feeling of equality and fun) and I find it hard to accept this in my head
i know we have to accept people as they are and there are things I like about dh, but i just don't think we are really suited anymore or that he really needs me other than in terms of my function
once when he saw all the stuff for the charity shop in the boot he told me he was "stuck with me" - I'm afraid that has remained "stuck" in my head (though I have also said unkind things of course)

sorry posted twice by mistake but second message has extra sentence at the bottom

ostracize - sounds like you are crying out for counselling here. An independent person to listen to you and to help take you in the direction you want to go. 42 is really quite young still and I am sure there are many men out there who would find you attractive.

Hi ostracized

Sorry went to bed last night and missed your replies.

One thing that strikes me in your post above:
"I think my being committed to dh means doing the things he wants but totally accepting that I will never get the things I crave (physical affection, being told I am loved, a feeling of equality and fun)"

This doesn't sound like a relationship at all (but then none of what you've said does TBH) - more like you being your husband's slave. You really don't have to live like that. You are entitled to physical affection, being loved and a feeling of equality and (hopefully) fun in a good relationship.

Have a look at this page and see whether your husband fits in the friend or dominator category.

Saw your thread at lunchtime but couldn't post because at work. You mentioned in an aside that you couldn't leave because the house was in his name. AFAIK, if you're married, the marital home is a joint asset, and it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds - if you divorce it gets split 50-50 (with the right of the resident parent to stay in the home until the children turn 18 or leave home, whichever happens first). Definitely worth taking legal advice. Apologies if this has been said further up thread - haven't got time to look through all the responses since I last checked.

Lurcio is right about that unless it has been ring fenced in a trust or similar

I am 58, slim, keep fit, have an interesting job etc but haven't had a man in my life or any sex for almost 12 years. In that time no man has shown the slightest bit of "romantic" or sexual interest. If you get to that stage (not sure how I cope with it, don't seem to have a choice, short of picking men up in bars or going on the street) then you might have cause for saying you are not attractive. If you have young children it is hard to make time but simple things can help - a new hairstyle that is easy to maintain, some decent moisturiser, choose 3 items of make-up and somehow get them on your face every day. You must care for yourself. I have given up but you are much younger and needn't. Think it is true that a lot of women look in the mirror with very critical eyes while guys just see and accentuate their own good points. I felt such sympathy reading your post. Hope things begin to feel better soon.

Pollo - you sound very nice. Please don't give up! Lots of people are single for a long time whatever their ages - you just haven't found the right guy yet :) To answer your post, I do kind of look after myself but could probably do it better - thank you.

I am 40 and in a long term relationship. I felt that turning 40 was abig low point for me when suddenly I began to look at myself differently. I began to feel aware of how old I looked. Maybe that my look were starting to fade.

My dp is always very complimentary to me and tels me that I am gorgeous. Female friends compliment me adn without boasting I do think that I am nice looking with a slim figure. But i have aged. Now I know that this is natural of course but it saddens mee to see my youth slipping away.

In many ways I am much more confident now, especially with my partner and definitely sexually, but I can't help but compare myself to younger women and wish I were even just ten years younger. I dress well and make a huge effort with my appearance but it is no substitute for youth.

I dont think That I am fanciable to anyone other than much older men, which to me, is not much of a compliment. To be honest I dont think that I have ever really had that much attention from me, not i particularly want it, but sometimes you need an ego boost.

I have certainly never had any colleagues of people that i know fancy me, approach me or even fancy me from afar. I somehow think that maybe I give out signals that I am aloof or something.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for attention as such. I am extremely happy with my DP, but sometimes it is nice to have some kind of compliment or confidence boost from another man. Someone who isn't emotionally attached to me or biased.

I know this is wrong and it makes me sound insecure and needy but hey, you can't help how you feel.[embarrassed]

hi carmenelectra - totally relate to a lot of what you say... On the other hand I do see some older women and think they look very attractive - for some reason I am much harder on myself. Also, how can you know that you have never been "fancied from afar"?
I guess tone of my OP is quite superficial and there ARE many other important things in life such as love and affection etc... In my case since I do not get on very well with dh, I feel sad that my youth is slipping away and that part of it has been characterised by such a difficult relationship. I would just like to have some fun. This does not mean I want an affair though. I would like to be able to separate easily and amicably without anybody getting hurt at all - since this seems unlikely and impossible to imagine, I remain stuck where I am for now.

Ostracized I really wish you would at least go and talk to a counsellor or do something about your situation.

It's such a shame that you seem to be wishing your life away. You're not old (I'm 41 and I don't think I'm old but then I might be deluded!) - and you've got plenty of time if you separate to have the opportunity to meet someone else who actually treats you right. But it's not going to happen if you stay with your bully of a husband.

As long as you stay, lots of people are going to be hurt - I'm sure your children will be hurt as the years pass witnessing the way your husband treats you. What if they start joining in when they get older? And what about you? Why don't your feelings matter?

If you leave, yes, it might be hard for the children for a while. But they can still have as much contact with your husband as possible. And seeing their mother happier might be a good thing for them.

I haven't read all your posts but it seems like you've been writing the same thing for a long time. And you're obviously not happy or you wouldn't still be posting here.

I think I'm going to bow out now as I don't think you want to hear what I'm saying, but I really hope you can find a solution that makes you happy.

You must be so miserable, living like this. His behaviour is NOT your responsibility-it's his. How old are your DCs? In addition to your relationship problems, you are probably so bogged down - I mean that nicely, incidentally! - in their needs that you cannot see yourslef as a woman, and an attractive, sexy one, at that. Could this teacher be some sort of fantasy for you? Do you see him as a way out of your problems? Also, how realistic do you think separating from him would be? Perhaps once your DCs are older and more independent, you will be able to think more clearly about your situation and find a way out. I fear that you have totally lost your sense of self-esteem (along with most mums, I suspect) and your DH is taking advantage of that. Are there small ways in which you could start to build your self-esteem in the meantime?

Not that I'm particularly good looking, but when I was 19 I was with a 39 year old woman for six years. So we split when she was 45. the answer is yes!

hi malinkey and biryani - thx for your posts - yes I am definitely going to go and see a counsellor - I keep on saying that but it is something I can actually do... don't know if it should be a relate counsellor or a regular one. i feel slightly guilty because in lots of ways i have it all - kids, house to live in, h who works hard.... it's just that I find it impossible to talk to him about anything that matters, and we actually talk very little - he is not always being bad tempered / sarcastic / bullish but it is one definite side to his nature - it is abundantly clear that all our affection goes towards the children / and we seem to be in a stalemate of never being nice to each other again... however he does work very hard and is very responsible in that way and that does make me feel sad.
teacher definitely a fantasy as easy to project all kind of nice things on to him, some of which may be true but others not!!! definitely not a way out of my problems as he is married, but I suppose seeing him every day last year used to just put me in a better mood
the course i am doing is definitely helping my self-esteem - dh not wrong about house needing to be de-cluttered and I also want to do that this academic year..... other things that would be nice to do is occasionally go out with friends (which I do do sometimes) - dh would rather go out as a family during the day and does not do the going out in the evening while kids babysat thing
sometimes i think of course we must separate, we have obviously come to the end of our particular couple road, but then the enormity of what I am thinking occurs to me and i think actually i couldn't ever do that :( - if we could magically be living in two small flats in the same area without any acrimonious feeling, able to see each other and co-parent, having amicably decided when the kids go where, the kids also being totally ok about it all , then yes I would go for it (!) - don't think i have the strength or the support mechanism for anything else
thanks again for messages :)

thx paternal - missed your message!

so sad

you are wasting your life

yes i don't know - maybe - but on the other hand i'm sure lots of couples stay together because things are ok (not saying that dh and i talking so little is ok) - dh would probably say that he would rather be travelling the world than working like he does / don't know where the line between being responsible and/or wasting life lies - feels very selfish to be thinking in this way...
am a little embarrassed as a male poster messaged me saying he was sure lots of men would find me attractive followed by kiss kiss / realise my post might have sounded a little desperate or as if I want some kind of fling / or am inviting offers - I'm not! - was just considering the whole ageing thing in relation to lurve I suppose

Glad this man lifted your spirits anyway!! Reading your message, you could be me! I posted a similar thread a while back and the response I had was fantastic and so supportive. I'm older than you and my DD is now 9, so i am at last seeing some light at the end of the tunnel in terms of returning to work etc. Incidentally, I had a bit of an "encounter" with a strange man who asked me out not so long ago-with flowers and everything-I turned him down, but I was so blown away by the gesture that i couldn';t quite believe it! He was friendly and polite but backed off as soon as he found out I was in a relationship (albeit an unhappy one)but I've often wondered about him since. I can see how you've got carried away with your teacher but reality for you is your life as it is now. you are young enough to start again and seeing a counsellor is a good place to start, if only to help identify your problems with someone objective. Good luck.

thank you very much biryani - good luck to you too :)