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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am in total shock

76 replies

ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:15

I went with DP to a vicar today to talk about our relationship - for advice etc

we spent a ouple of hoiurs with him then came home.

We carried on talking and DP revealed something to me which makes sense and I am in so much shock I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:33

He needs to be told/reminded that you love him, and this doesn't change your relationship with his, or his with your children.
You think mo less of him, you are not ashamed for him, but you are worried and feel sad that he had to go through that alone. You need to ask him if he is happy to keep talking about it, or if he needs time to think. You should probably also ask him how he feels about counselling.

Zondra · 06/02/2011 22:33

Op, I am very sorry for both of you.
You obviously are indeed in deep shock. I think asking to move this thread elsewhere, so that you can get proper,sound advice & sympathy would be a good idea.
Save yourself having to wade through, glib,nasty or harsh comments.

Really feel for you.

helpme2helphim · 06/02/2011 22:33

He's been really brave opening up about it and now you have to be brave too.

I speak from experience as my DH was also abused as a child. I'm filled with anger and sadness every time I think about what he's been through. I wait until he wants to talk about it (which isn't often) and I listen when he does. Just reassure him that you love him and anything he tells you isn't going to change that.

I only post under this name for this purpose and I've been given some great advice if you wanted to run a search on my user name.

Good luck.

RIZZ0 · 06/02/2011 22:34

Shocked - AIBU isn't the place for this thread. If you want some sensitive advice on how to help your poor DP then maybe ask MNHQ to move this to the relationships topic?

taintedpaint · 06/02/2011 22:34

I apologise in advance for asking this because I realise how horrible it is, but has she had any contact with your children?

Bloody awful thing to happen.

Poor DH. :(

taintedpaint · 06/02/2011 22:35

Btw, you don't need to answer that here, I just thought it was something that should be raised.

Original poster

ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:35

No contact with my dc!! thankfully.

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 06/02/2011 22:42

shockedtothebone I actually think the fact that your poor DP has been able to tell you this now, is a way of saying he's now ready to deal with it.

I think it's a very good thing he can talk to you about it and I'm guessing the physical effects he is suffering now are a sort of release.

I'm sure that, with your support and understanding, he will overcome this and you 2 will be the stronger for it.

RIZZ0 · 06/02/2011 22:42

p.s. didn't mean to sound bossy there shocked - but you are feeling quite raw and it gets a bit jostly in AIBU as you probably know.

Just thought you'll also you'll get more attention from people with similar experiences in Relationships. Like Helpme2helphim.

Lots of people dealing with senitive issues steer clear of AIBU.

HighHeidYin · 06/02/2011 22:43

shocked, this site lists a good number of support organisations both for you and your dp support line

Eurostar · 06/02/2011 22:49

I believe that these people are a good source of what help is available to you locally:

www.napac.org.uk/

molemesseskilledIpom · 07/02/2011 09:03

Dont push him into talking to anyone.

Just gather a few numbers of people he can talk to, show them to him then leave them in a place for him to use when he's ready.

He's getting there, all be it slowly.

He seems comfortable with you enough to mention this so he has made the first step, just let him do this at his own pace.

Bless, I cant imagine how you are both feeling.

Original poster

ShockedToTheBone · 07/02/2011 09:47

Sorry my laptop died last and I couldn't get it back on.

It feels very much like a dream albeit a bad one today.

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 07/02/2011 09:50

Just want to add that someone close to me was in same situation and said person went to the police (many, many years later) and the perpetrator was successfully prosecuted; this gave said person closure.

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 13:19

One of the worst things about child abuse is the way the abuser transfers her shame & self-loathing onto the child. It's a malicious thing to do - although the perpetrator is usually acting out unconscious directives from her own childhood, this is NOT inevitable, neither is it an excuse

Perhaps if you can do a bit of reading about how abuse in childhood affects the adult, it will help you both. There are some books aimed at the partners of abuse survivors and I'll try to find them if someone doesn't post first.

Give him my empathy, please. And have some yourself; you must be feeling desolate just now.

Hullygully · 07/02/2011 13:26

Poor guy.

FWIW, I have a v dear friend who had exactly this happen to her - and she said exactly what you are about things finally making sense.

Good luck and hugs to you both.

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 13:30

This looks like a helpful website: partners.aest.org.uk/

Here's the book I was thinking of: Ghosts In The Bedroom

This is a classic: Allies In Healing
Its sister title is aimed at women survivors, I'm afraid:
The Courage To Heal

I liked Breaking Free.

Acknowledging what happened is a world-shaking moment, as it signifies the beginning of recover. Although the recovery process is challenging, it's also very healing and has positive repercussions on those around you. I recommend going for it - at his own pace, of course.

Original poster

ShockedToTheBone · 07/02/2011 15:11

Having spoken to DP further last night and today I found out a lot more detail which made me feel really ill.

It wasn't just his mum but also her friend and the man she got him a job with when he was 13.

and also the threats she made if he ever told anyone.....

I am hurt for him, angry for him, and so wish I could get my hands on her for 5 minutes!!! and yes I know that wouldn't solve anything!

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 07/02/2011 16:14

Prosecution is what they all deserve!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 07/02/2011 19:23

Shocked :(

Once again, I'm so so sorry - for DH, and for you too.

I am sure the two of you will work your way through this together. Get as much help as you can. together and separately.

I don't blame you one little bit for wanting to puree her - I do and he's not my DH!

Stay strong x

Zondra · 07/02/2011 20:10

How horrific. I'm so sad for him & for you,too.
You must be strong for him.

I had to endure a very similar situation & as the revelations unravelled I had to fight to stay strong & stoic for them.

My heart was utterly broken for them & yes, I shed tears but, I had to swallow down my own rising panic & disgust at the perpetrator, my rage,etc.in front of the people confiding in me.

I have managed to not show the chaos I was feeling as in our situation normality & me showing nothing had changed & that I wasn't going to do something out of control was needed for the people suffering.

In our situation,police were informed & hopefully a satisfactory outcome shall come soon to allow some kind of closure.

In the meantime, always being available to talk when they want to, no pressuring them into discussing it, staying (outwardly) calm, lots of hugs & reassurance that nothing has changed within your own relationship & life with them & that you still love them as much,if not more have all helped. We also, found just doing mundane family stuff helped strengthen the bonds & demonstrated how nothing had or would change despite these horrible revelations.

It will be hard op,but, you will get there. If you love someone enough then it's amazing what you can cope with.

I wish you lots of love & luck.

balia · 07/02/2011 20:16

So so sorry for you and your DH. At an appropriate time (obviously right now you are in shock) you may wish to raise the subject of what he wants to do with this in terms of prosecution...I know others have raised it but with the addition of the other abusers it is almost a certainty that they are still abusing children. Thankfully not yours, but someone else's.

Original poster

ShockedToTheBone · 09/02/2011 05:32

DP and I have done a lot of talking over the lasy few days and he has said he will get counselling but he is not going to the police.

I tried to encourage him but he is adament.
He says one day he will have his day with her and he will put it all to rest. He doesn't want anyone taking that away from him.

I find it hard to understand that as I would be wanting justice.

I won't push him as I don't want him to clam up again over it as I think this would be unhelpful to him. But I am finding it hard to understand why he won't go to the police.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 09/02/2011 15:32

It's probably all bound up with the fact that she was his mother, he was this child whose trust she abused ... it's not remotely cut & dried when those are events which shaped you. You're doing a fabulous job of gently supporting him: allow time for his feelings to work themselves through.

I'm delighted, for him, that he's going to find a counsellor to help his process. He's lucky to have your support :)

earwicga · 09/02/2011 19:56

I'm so sorry this happened to your partner. It is a lot more common than it seems that mothers abuse children. And boys/men are even less likely to speak out than girls/women. He is very brave.

Please don't encourage him to go to the police. Everything must be taken in baby steps now. You can't possibly understand it if you haven't gone through abuse, but I would urge you to get advice about how to support your partner. There are boards online, and also a lot of information you can read and you also need support in all this. Your partner doesn't really need sympathy, and doesn't really need your anger, but does need you to understand that this is going to take time for him to come to terms with what happened and how he is going to get help to deal with this now. The process can be very hard, and it is important that you are patient.

Best wishes to you both.

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