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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am in total shock

76 replies

ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:15

I went with DP to a vicar today to talk about our relationship - for advice etc

we spent a ouple of hoiurs with him then came home.

We carried on talking and DP revealed something to me which makes sense and I am in so much shock I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Beamur · 06/02/2011 22:20

Vicars can be pleasant helpful people who will listen.
How is your DP now OP?

hester · 06/02/2011 22:20

Ach, so sorry to hear that. Have you been able to talk together about it, alone? Can you pull together on this one?

My sympathies.

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:20

I am in so muh shock. But it makes so much sense.

OP posts:
alicet · 06/02/2011 22:21

Cross posted with your second post OP...

YANBU to be in total shock about this. What does he want to do now?

Mimile · 06/02/2011 22:21

oh, give it a rest you lot.
Might not be an AIBU or whatever, but still.
So sorry for your DH, and best of luck for dealing with the situation.

toastandmarmiterocks · 06/02/2011 22:22

why is it UR to talk to a vicar?

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:22

Hester, he told me everything that happened....I think hardest thing to hear is it was his mother.....fucking dragon - have only met her once but didn't like her.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 06/02/2011 22:22

fwiw our vicar is a nice chap and I imagine that people would confide in him. Obviously the op and/or her dh trust their vicar so comments about their choice of confidant may not be that helpful.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 22:23

ShockedToTheBone - I think you should report your post and ask MN to move this to relationships x

What a shock for you.

Do you/he see his Mother?

How is DP - is he Ok or in a bit of a state?

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:23

He wants to bury it again. I have said he needs counselling....but can see its going to take some time.

OP posts:
TragicallyHip · 06/02/2011 22:23

Oh Jeez! Is he still in contact with her?

AIBU is probably not the best subject to post this in tho

Nicdigby · 06/02/2011 22:24

OP, Sounds like he's finally ready to talk about the abuse. It's great that he has told your vicar and you. It's a great start. I should think that he will want the doors to be opened a little bit on this topic now that he has made the brave decision to talk about it for the first time.

Can I suggest that there must be some excellent phonelines, help places, that you can get info about on the internet....might be worth a search as then you might be able to gently tell him that there are people who can help him, if he chooses?

blinks · 06/02/2011 22:24

how is he now? i hope he feels better for telling you. some counselling would be a good idea.

reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 22:24

Strange to put it on AIBU....
Good luck.

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:24

His mother won't have anything to do with him
And hates me.

My vicar is also a very good friend and ds2's godfather.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 22:25

I am very sorry

but what do you mean by the fact that "this makes so much sense" ?

blinks · 06/02/2011 22:25

it's very very scary to talk openly about this subject so just let him know that you will be ready to talk about whenever he is...

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 22:25

Give him a bit of time, but really, he can't bury it. He hasn't burried it properly if you can say 'ah that makes so much sense' he needs to understand that - but probably not tonight :(

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:25

Having read the first post I though it would be this.

Poor man. Is he coping today after having told you? Has he said that he'd be willing to speak further to anyone? A counsellor would really be a good idea. Things can become so much harder to bear when you've opened up. He will need a lot of support and a lot of love.

taintedpaint · 06/02/2011 22:25

Oh the poor guy. :(

Not surprised you are shocked. It's not exactly something you ever expect or want to hear is it? I can't say I blame him for wanting to bury the memory again, but he may feel he needs to talk about it more with time.

You just have to support him any way he needs right now. And FWIW, I don't think there's a wrong or right way to do that, just be there for him.

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:26

He is a bad way been sick shaking Sad

She hasn't spoken to him for a while....so no contact.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 06/02/2011 22:27

Sorry - x posts.

There are organizations whom can help you and him... Hold tight, it's not an impossible journey to make. It's hard and horrid but you can both move on eventually.

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:28

there always been something he never let out....something that you could see a sadness in his eyes.

OP posts:
HighHeidYin · 06/02/2011 22:29

How awful for him Sad and thank goodness he has you to support him.

No experience of this but is there a helpline you could phone,anonymously if you wish, to discuss how best to help him? If I was in your shoes I would have absolutely no idea how to handle things.

Wish you both all the best and hope that his opening up will help to heal him x

Original poster
ShockedToTheBone · 06/02/2011 22:31

I wish i could make it better for him.
And i wish i could kill her.

OP posts:
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