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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it shallow to go for men because they earn a lot of money?

78 replies

poshsinglemum · 06/02/2011 16:59

I am pondering if I have been aiming too low on the old dating market. In the past I have mostly dated men without degrees and who aren't that well off. I find other nice qualities in them but I am wondering if I should start looking men with better careers and more intellectual prowess/cash.

I know that this is completely shallow but then intelligent, ambitious men turn me on. In the past I have gone for ''a bit of rough'' but of course this hasn't worked in the long run.
I don't think money is the be all and end all but it does help. I also value a kind, gentle, lovely man who won't cheat.

Did you guys consider your partner's job when decising to commit?

OP posts:

Tummytuckrequired · 07/02/2011 16:41

Sorry that should say "meet" a rich man, not "meat" a rich man. He he!

Ormirian · 07/02/2011 16:46

Ooh is it that simple then? A man supermarket with different sorts of men in different aisles? Wish I'd known I might have pushed the trolley down the 'driven and wealthy' aisle instead of the 'clever, passionate but ultimately unambitious' aisle. Bugger!

MosEisley · 07/02/2011 16:52

I don't think it is unreasonable to take solvency into account when you're looking for a bloke. Even if you earn well yourself (perhaps especially if you earn well) you don't always want to have to pay his share too. It is a bit daft to rule out otherwise nice blokes on the basis of them not being millionaires though.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2011 16:59

Posh, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, you honestly need to do something else besides focus on your 'dating' life/men, tbh.

You've become very very unhealthy in this respect and a long break from dating and some counselling would go a long, long way.

SecondMrsS · 07/02/2011 17:01

You need to earn your own money first. Then you can look for true qualities that you love rather than money which can be easily lost.

That said, the qualities I look for i.e. drive, ambition, desire to provide for one's children, equal passion for fine food and wine as myself, well read etc etc usually apply to men with a fairly good wage; not always, but usually.

I earn quite good money and I am proud that i can support my child well. If my partner was dirt broke, i'd have to support him to and so my DD would lose out. For that reaosn i would prefer a solvent male I suppose.

LadyBiscuit · 07/02/2011 17:02

I agree with expat tbh. Please just focus on yourself for a bit.

SecondMrsS · 07/02/2011 17:03

Can i also say poshmum - I hope you don't have daughters, and that if you do they don't know about this!

TheCrackFox · 07/02/2011 17:07

I know someone (claims to be a model but I find it unlikely) who has been obsessed with dating rich men.

She would love to get married and have babies but has spent nearly 15 yrs being treated like shit by rich arseholes.

She is still single and, at 42, looking increasingly unlikely to have a baby.

There have been plenty of lovely men but in bog standard jobs who were interested in her but she was having none of it.

TBH I think she needs therapy.

bestmamaderwelt · 07/02/2011 17:13

No i really don't think it is. There are so many different reasons we fancy people.

Success is attractive as is knowing someone can look after you.

merrywidow · 07/02/2011 17:52

I'd agree with Expat posh, I think you need a bit of time out from men.

bestmamaderwelt · 07/02/2011 17:55

I also think is ok not to aspire t be a high cort judge, whats wrong with just wanting to be a mother?

marantha · 07/02/2011 17:56

To be honest with you, poshsinglemum, I think you're on a bit of a wind up here. Fair enough. But if you're going to make money a key criteria (or is that criterium?) you don't want to be thinking in terms of 'partner' - every true golddigger needs to be thinking of getting herself a husband so you won't be left potless should they find someone else.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 07/02/2011 18:01

What mummymunter says

I'm afraid I have made the mistake of going for the opposite in the past and it has come back to bite me.

I'm not looking for "money" but equality at least would be good.

coldtits · 07/02/2011 18:04

you're not being unreasonable to WANT a rich man, you are being unreasonable to think you deserve one.

And you're being unrealistic if you think you're going to get one, if you think you also want kind, gentle, lovely and faithful.

Realistically, you are a single parent. Your earning potential is limited. Your freedom is restricted.

So your options are

a) a rich kind gentle faithful man who has a heap of maintenence to pay out for and is always at work

b) a rich man who is an unpleasant tosser

c) a nice man who has not very much money

Bonsoir · 07/02/2011 18:07

It is not the marriage market for nothing. Of course earning power is is important. Who wants to support a pauper?

Marriage is both a romantic and an economic arrangement.

partytime · 07/02/2011 18:16

coldtits my exh is your option b, my dp of 8 months (has it been that long already) is option c.

I lived a life with a hard working, very well paid man for 25+ years. I had everything except his time. He left me for a younger colleague.

I am now hauling him through the courts, he will then be rich but with a mountain of maintenance to pay. He will not have his previous lifestyle, though neither have I mine.

However, dp is hard working, own business, 4 dc, no money, but absolutely loyal, kind, affectionate, good fun and very sexy.

lemonstartree · 07/02/2011 18:26

There are more ways of being supported than financial. Practically & emotionally supported spring to mind. Both, IMO, much more important than financial support.

marantha · 07/02/2011 18:36

Yes, and I will say this: a man who offers you no emotional support will make you miserable as sin and will probably strip you of desire to better yourself as a human being.
A man who provides emotional support will make you want to improve yourself and the knock-on effect may be increased earning power for the both of you.
Happy relationships tend to breed money.
Obviously we've all got our individuals talents and abilities and they can only take us so far, but those talents and abilities work so much better when in happy relationships or, failing that, NO relationship.
A miserable one does nobody any good when it comes to improvement in life.

mummiehunnie · 07/02/2011 18:42

I think you are being confused by some posters with singleproudmum, poshsinglemum!

I just wanted to add that after becoming single I dated for a bit, and I wonder if the money question is to do with putting it on the list on dating sites?

I think the best thing I ever did was to spend some time recovering from the abuse and relationship/family breakdown, and focus on myself and my children for a bit.

I feel kind of nearly there for being ready to meet someone, I won't be doing it via a dating site. I will be expanding my life and joining the sort of groups I enjoy and activities that give me happiness and eventually be it months or years I am quite confident that the right person will come along at some point. The right person will come along be you in your 20's or 50's!

I think once you have been a mum and start dating again, there is a certain pressure that is gone - it was for me, -the old biological clock and wedding not wanting to be left on the shelf thing- and dating can be a far more relaxing experience after you are a divorced mum.

specialmagiclady · 07/02/2011 18:44

I don't think the OP is looking for fortunes. Maybe she's had failed relationships with people without any money. I know I have. When I was last single, I made a list of things I wanted from my next boyfriend: Own hair, own car, own home. Not because I wanted him to buy me stuff, but because I wanted A Grown Up.

In the end, he had Own House but no car and is bald as a snooker ball. I'm glad he's financially sensible and has a strong work ethic, I do wish he was a better driver, I don't care about the hair.

I think it's not shallow to expect a potential partner to be solvent.

mummiehunnie · 07/02/2011 18:48

I also wanted to add, I would not be keen on a man having a significantly lower disposable income than me, as I would not feel right subing him financially at my kids expense, infact I wouldn't sub a man at my kids expense, emotionally or financially, personally.

Snorbs · 07/02/2011 19:02

"Who wants to support a pauper?"

But isn't that what many men are effectively doing for their SAHM wives/partners?

Nevertheless, you've convinced me. As a single dad I'm now only going to go for women who earn a lot of money and have their own house. After all, I wouldn't want to be seen "subbing" a woman who is otherwise perfect for me just because she doesn't earn much

merrywidow · 07/02/2011 19:14

putting on hard hat now

Violethill · 07/02/2011 19:22

Well said tummytuckrequired

mummiehunnie · 07/02/2011 19:34

Snorbs!

In the case of a singleparent who is a resident parent, and is lucky enough that the children's non resident parent contributes towards the children, why would that single parent use money the non resident parent was giving for their kids lifesyle to be used on a new guy, at the kids expense? it is not right in my eyes!

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