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Original poster

Is it shallow to go for men because they earn a lot of money?

78 replies

poshsinglemum · 06/02/2011 16:59

I am pondering if I have been aiming too low on the old dating market. In the past I have mostly dated men without degrees and who aren't that well off. I find other nice qualities in them but I am wondering if I should start looking men with better careers and more intellectual prowess/cash.

I know that this is completely shallow but then intelligent, ambitious men turn me on. In the past I have gone for ''a bit of rough'' but of course this hasn't worked in the long run.
I don't think money is the be all and end all but it does help. I also value a kind, gentle, lovely man who won't cheat.

Did you guys consider your partner's job when decising to commit?

OP posts:
OADCB · 06/02/2011 18:57

I read this and thought poor guys wallet that meets you . Then I realised who the op was. Lets hope he has no kids.

reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 19:05

The answer to your OP question is ....'yes'.

WherecanIhide · 06/02/2011 19:09

I don't imagine she is all that 'posh' either Wink

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 19:10

I have a very well-off, kind & gentle male friend. He's got zero emotional intelligence. He's now married to a much younger Russian woman. You're up against stiff competition, posh!

Deaddei · 06/02/2011 19:11

My ears did prick up on our first date when dh told me he owned a flat in Wimbledon Village and owned his own company.
But then he had a couple of lean years......
But reader, I married him

Earlybird · 06/02/2011 19:13

Don't know why 'gold-digger' springs to mind.....Hmm

OADCB · 06/02/2011 19:14

OP much apologies- I confused you with another poster who is anti step mums.

Seriously though I would rather a man with strong work ethos who worked as a bin man than a suit with money who treated women as objects

onimolap · 06/02/2011 19:18

I don't think it's any more shallow than going for someone because of his looks or whatever. And it could lead to a few damned good nights out.

It would however be a rather rocky basis for a durable relationship.

Violethill · 06/02/2011 20:02

Nothing wrong with being attracted to someone intelligent and ambitious. Just remember that it works both ways, and a man worth having is likely to want a woman who's bright and 'go getting' too. A certain type of high achieving male just wants a trophy wife, who wont outshine him and will spend her life in the gym making sure she doesn't get traded in for a younger model....'but do you really want that??

BrandyAlexander · 06/02/2011 20:07

OP, what have you got to offer said man other than wishing to spend his money? Are you coming to this with the same accumen that you are seeking?

WherecanIhide · 06/02/2011 20:15

I think she just wants lots of 'nice stuff'

reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 20:22

Oh poshsinglemum...

You didn't used to sound like this or am i mistaking you for someone else?..

mummymunter · 06/02/2011 21:43

On the face of it, I would say it is shallow. However, my last long term relationship was with a bloke that couldn't keep a job, and leached money off me for years. Despite living off my earnings for a considerable amount of my, my success also bothered him as he said I made him feel inadequate.(I earn well for which I work bloody hard and always have had to.) Now when looking for a new relationship, although I'm not looking for loaded, I am focused a bit more on equality of all sorts of things. As important as shared values, physcial attraction, sense of humour etc is a meeting of intellectual levels.

RamonaFlowers · 06/02/2011 21:48

I just don't think it works that way love, sorry.

Snorbs · 06/02/2011 21:51

I think going for money is more shallow than going for looks. At least going for looks is based on human emotion. Going for money just makes it all a business decision.

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 06/02/2011 21:53

A rich man can be a dickhead wanker knob arse just as much as a poor man you know.

Howzabout going for a bloke who likes you, makes you laugh and you think is sex on legs?

And make your own damn money.

atswimtwolengths · 06/02/2011 21:58

Yes but mummymunter, you are merely saying you want someone similar to yourself, aren't you? I think that's reasonable. The OP is wanting someone different (ie richer.)

mackereltaitai · 06/02/2011 22:02

If you've just had a series of dates/relationships that haven't worked out, how about taking a break for a bit? Are you internet dating? I think it does encourage a flicking-through-holiday-brochures mentality and is the enemy of long-term stability.

KangarooCaught · 06/02/2011 22:03

Have only gone out with men I consider intelligent and who work hard, it doesn't always correlate to them earning ££ but since I am both bright [she says modestlyBlush] and hard working myself, it would seem odd not to be with someone who wasn't. I also find intelligence, amongst other things, very sexy.

You can have my male bf - seriously! He is loaded and a very nice man but keeps meeting some veeerryy strange women.

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 22:15

Heh, KC, like women who fancy what he's got in his pocket more than what's in his heart??
Grin

TheOldestCat · 06/02/2011 22:22

Um, yes, I would say that's a shallow approach, but mainly a misguided one. Not having a degree doesn't equal not being 'that well off'. Equally, having a degree most certainly doesn't mean someone is necessarily intelligent.

Disclaimer - DH dropped out of university without a degree and doesn't earn a huge amount but is extremely intelligent and ambitious in his own way.

I also consider intelligence a turn on, but I don't limit myself to massive generalisations about where to find it. Life is more complex - thank goodness - and more interesting.

KangarooCaught · 07/02/2011 08:22

ItsGraceAgain, yes, very much so. The problem is, amongst other things, is that women hear what he does for a living & assumes he lives a very flash life but he really lives a pretty simple one.

kepler10b · 07/02/2011 10:56

i don't think earnings are important but i do think ability to manage your money is. that said my OH had debt when i met him - it took me to sort it out and caused a lot of stress in the process. if i found myself single again the criteria i would apply are

  • what nature has given you isn't important but what you have done with it is. i.e. no smokers, overeaters, couch potatoes.
  • what you earn isn't important but how you manage it is. i.e. no spendthrifts, debt addicts or those who buy shiney toys they can't actually afford.
HelenaRose · 07/02/2011 15:55

My first boyfriend still works at the supermarket he was working at when he was seventeen. Hmm After we broke up, I decided I wanted a go-getter, an earner, a really bright cookie! The next guy earned quite a bit of money, but used his Private School/Oxbridge education to try to win arguments, and to treat me as far less intelligent than I am.

This time I decided to go for someone kind. It's working well so far. :)

Tummytuckrequired · 07/02/2011 16:40

I sigh when I read or hear women speaking like this. It was only 30 years ago women were aspiring to be High Court Judges, now it would seem they want to be WAGs. All I can say is you have a 5 year window (20 -25years) and you had better look like a supermodel.

Of course you could get a career and earn your own money. However that would be too hard wouldn't it??

I have worked extremely hard all my life climbing the career ladder and now with a family of my own, I am able to hopefully provide my children with a future which has options (whatever they decide they maybe). I am also showing my daughter that the only way you get something is by you working very hard for it. No one gives you anything in life and neither should you take anything for "free" in life.

The idea that young women spend their time thinking how they can meat a rich man is archaic and to be honest offensive.

I live in a very affluent part of London. The women are married to very rich guys. These women are stressed (their whole commodity is based on their looks). They are bored they gave up their careers to have children, but employ nannies and cleaners to do the "day to day".

So they are rich. They look good. They have a nice life. Their life is totally dependent on their husband's and their husband's earning potential.

I am sorry so you marry the rich guy then what? He loses all his money, do you still love him? You put up with certain things in the marriage (affairs etc) because you still want the lifestyle (very common amongst my friends). Or your husband leaves you for a 12 year old when you hit 40 and then what? No more personal trainer and 3 holidays a year, that is for sure.

I love the classic CHer quote, when her mother told her "why can't you settle down and marry a rich man" and she retorted "Mom, I am the rich man, I don't need to settle down". Grin.

When my daughter grows up, I want her to be happy, healthy and most importantly financially independent. I woudl be appalled if she told me her ambition was to marry a rich man. I would feel I would have failed as a mother and a woman.

Sorry I feel really strongly on this subject...