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Relationships

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Original poster

Does she deserve to know or do I just want revenge?

56 replies

MrsCasaubon · 06/02/2011 11:38

I am in a quandary. I was in a relationship with someone for about 5 years. I was deeply in love with him and he was apparently completely in love with me. Unfortunately I was not free to pursue it as I would have liked, and things got awfully complicated.

However, I did want to commit to him, and on several occasions told him so. When I did, I never quite got the sense that he was prepared to help me put in place the support mechanisms I would need make this a reality, but I couldn't quite put my finger on things. Eventually I pulled out of the relationship as I couldn't cope with the almost-rejection that wasn't quite a rejection, IYSWIM. We tried to remain friends as he pushed for this but I found it very painful and didn't see him often.

I recently found out that he had a new girlfriend. I was stunned by the physical reaction I had - felt like being hit by a train, frankly.

I confronted him to ask why he hadn't thought to tell me about her, as he owed me that at least, especially if he really was my friend, and he claimed that he had been a coward and was afraid of what I would say. I immediately put two and two together and realised that she was probably the reason for his never-quite-committing. He denied that anything had happened before I had ended things.

A bit of facebook delving proved they had clearly been together for longer than that, so I told him I wanted no contact and haven't seen him since.

However, he is now engaged to this woman. I have also found out that their relationship started a full year before I ended mine with him.

What I want to know is, should I tell her? I strongly feel she ought to know - she is committing her life to someone who hasn't been honest with her. However, I am also worried that I want to spill the beans in order to get revenge on him, and in that case I would be just plain wrong.

Does she deserve to know?

OP posts:

yama · 06/02/2011 11:41

Maybe she already knows.

ilovesooty · 06/02/2011 11:42

How would her knowing via you help?

I think you're still hurting and after revenge to be honest. The need to tell seems to be yours and no one else's.

yama · 06/02/2011 11:42

I would stay away from both of them. Delete phone numbers, facebook etc.

traceybath · 06/02/2011 11:43

I think you should stay out of it - not terribly clear but were you also in a relationship with some-one else?

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 06/02/2011 11:43

well the revenge part of me is yes tell her, piss on his bonfire but then my other part of me is saying nah forget it move on he'l do it again to her.

Bertina · 06/02/2011 11:44

Walk away.

Whether she deserves to know is a matter of opinion and irrelevant. You have no way of knowing if she knows, or if she would rather not know. Getting further involved will not take you to good places.

Sever all connections with this unavailable man who wouldn't commit to you. Leave them to it. Stop looking on fb.

Really, walk away.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 12:37

You should stay out of it

You must be feeling very angry, and I don't blame you, but no good would come out of sticking your beak in here

OhForBoonessSake · 06/02/2011 12:39

stay out of it. dont be spiteful. get your own life.

MuthaHubbard · 06/02/2011 12:40

had something very similar recently - found out my xp had got remarried, and after a bit of digging, that he'd started seeing her when he was still seeing me. for quite a few months as well.

my first reaction was OMG....and felt very 'weird' about it. second thought was, does she know and how good it would be to hurt him by telling her. obv i wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me.

then i just thought of all his bad points (childish, regular liar, irresponsible, serial cheater etc) and figured i do actually feel quite sorry for her (and i also know he has said and done v similar things to her - ie proposing after a certain time frame etc)

leave it, i feel better now for having done nothing at the time (and he probably would have painted me as a bonkers ex - which he did to me re his 1st wife) and maintaining a bit of dignity

Glamour · 06/02/2011 13:15

erm i like a bit of revenge im not going to lie

BluddyMoFo · 06/02/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratspeaker · 06/02/2011 13:22

Walk away and keep your dignity

Say anything and you will be made out to be a spiteful ex or, worse still, if your relationship with was not out in the open you could be portayed as a delusional wannabe ex

susiedaisy · 06/02/2011 13:36

i think the sense of satisfaction you would gain from telling her would only last momentarily and then you would feel bad about doing it, as there are no children involved and no-one is in danger so to speak i would just leave it alone and let them get on with it, take the moral high road and move on.

GandalfyCarawak · 06/02/2011 13:39

I think you should tell her. She may be a lovely woman who knows nothing about you (or very little), and if I was her I'd want to know.

susiedaisy · 06/02/2011 13:41

if she was a friend i would tell her but she is a complete stranger isnt she?, i suppose you could tell a friend of a friend and that would soon get back to her if you were desperate for her to know.

Eurostar · 06/02/2011 14:13

Are you really sure she doesn't know?

If it was me I'd want to know if I didn't already - you'd be doing me a favour so as I could see the whole picture - so you wouldn't be getting revenge out of it - unless I dumped him I suppose so you would get revenge in making him unhappy.

pixiestix · 06/02/2011 14:24

Revenge or not, if I was the OW I would definitely want to know.

Konchita · 06/02/2011 14:38

Tell her, she should know what he's capable of. I'd be grateful.

penelopestitsdropped · 06/02/2011 14:42

telling her will not help your pain. It would just inflict it on her too.

Stay away from it all.

You were not entirely innocent in the "affair" and so you cannot really blame him for doing the same.
Whilst i understand howyou feel and how you think do not always match up.

telling her will cause nothing but pain and you still wont be any happier.

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 14:48

If I were her, I would want to know. I think you should tell her, but in a very factual way, and leave it at that. Don't badmouth him. She will make her own decision about what she wants to do.

However... you haven't said why you weren't available to commit to this man. If it was the case that you were in a relationship with somebody else, then I can see why he thought it was OK to see somebody else also.

BodleianBabe · 06/02/2011 14:53

I don't know if I've read this wrong but were you in another relationship when you stared with this one???

In any case you talk about being the one who in effect was not in a position to pursue this relationship and it became 'complicated'. Whilst I'm not condoning two timing people is it not possible that he started a relationship with someone truly free thinking you were never going to sort yourself out but in the end decided he felt more for this other woman than you??

Anyway I don't think you should have anything more to do with this. You won't look well coming out of this and the truth of the matter really is that it would be purely for revenge and not for any well meaning advice as you don't even know her.

Bertina · 06/02/2011 14:56

If my partner's ex contacted me to say words to the effect 'the first year he was with you, he was also with me' I would think her a bonkers stalking disgruntled bitter woman with too much time on her hands.

This woman is not a close personal friend of yours - I would answer differently if it were so. But she is a stranger to you and telling her will achieve nothing for you, I don't think it will give you the peace you seek.

The best revenge is living well, isn't it?

Original poster

MrsCasaubon · 06/02/2011 15:01

MommyMayhem, you are right that I was in a relationship with someone else. In this case, children WERE involved, so it wasn't a simple case of walk away and commit.

And he did say that I had double standards, so you are right about him thinking it was ok to see someone else.

However, it wasn't ok for him to string me along for over a year, wanting me to leave DH for him, when all the while he was seeing her.

But truthfully, that is not the issue here. I really do want to know if I should tell this woman or not. He has behaved very badly to me, but to others too in the past (finding it hard now to see his good points!) and will no doubt treat her the same way should the opportunity arise.

Perhaps she deserves to know. I would not WANT to know, but I think I would prefer ultimately to know the truth. But then I've learned a lot about how infidelity can affect people over the past few years

OP posts:

Pictish · 06/02/2011 15:05

Keep schtum.

If he's a player she'll find out in her own good time. As it stands, your meddling will smack of an unhealthy interest in this man and sour grapes.

Which it kind of is, isn't it? Be honest.

Bertina · 06/02/2011 15:09

In answer to your question, I think you should NOT tell the woman.

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