Does she deserve to know or do I just want revenge?

[MrsCasaubon]

I am in a quandary. I was in a relationship with someone for about 5 years. I was deeply in love with him and he was apparently completely in love with me. Unfortunately I was not free to pursue it as I would have liked, and things got awfully complicated.

However, I did want to commit to him, and on several occasions told him so. When I did, I never quite got the sense that he was prepared to help me put in place the support mechanisms I would need make this a reality, but I couldn't quite put my finger on things. Eventually I pulled out of the relationship as I couldn't cope with the almost-rejection that wasn't quite a rejection, IYSWIM. We tried to remain friends as he pushed for this but I found it very painful and didn't see him often.

I recently found out that he had a new girlfriend. I was stunned by the physical reaction I had - felt like being hit by a train, frankly.

I confronted him to ask why he hadn't thought to tell me about her, as he owed me that at least, especially if he really was my friend, and he claimed that he had been a coward and was afraid of what I would say. I immediately put two and two together and realised that she was probably the reason for his never-quite-committing. He denied that anything had happened before I had ended things.

A bit of facebook delving proved they had clearly been together for longer than that, so I told him I wanted no contact and haven't seen him since.

However, he is now engaged to this woman. I have also found out that their relationship started a full year before I ended mine with him.

What I want to know is, should I tell her? I strongly feel she ought to know - she is committing her life to someone who hasn't been honest with her. However, I am also worried that I want to spill the beans in order to get revenge on him, and in that case I would be just plain wrong.

Does she deserve to know?

so you think that because you were caught out by your OH and he now knows about your infidelity you think it only fair that you share such pain with this other woman?

keep your mouth shut and move on.

Why are you searching for details of his life now if everything is so hunky dorey with the man you are with? If the man you cheated on for 5 years has forgiven you and you are supposedly making an attempt to put your lives back together wtf are you doing investigating his life?

and i cannot believe your OH has prompted you to post your OP here. you mean he knows that are still searching for information on a man you were so madly in love with? the man you wanted to leave him for? the man you felt hit by a train at the news he had moved on with his life?

I feel he must have the word welcome tattood across his forehead

Thank you Bertina. You have said what I actually wanted to hear. I had certainly not made up my mind to tell her - I thought it was probably wrong, but I did want to hear what others thought.

And thank you Bertina for not judging me.

Oh, and I won't be telling her. For some reason that bit dropped out of my previous post.

ah yes, i see your motivation now. your DH knows about your affair so you feel you should distribute the backlash a bit more evenly. in other words "if I'm going down, I'm taking him with me".

glad you have decided not to tell her. it was never up to you. and i dont see how you feel entitled to have been told that your OM was seeing someone else.

I'm not sure your motivation is to 'bring him down' OP (though that may well be in there somewhere, as you have acknowledged). I think you have been naive, possibly about the whole thing from beginning to end (also posting the eye-watering story - it was not surprising that people found it hard to stomach). You may well have been done over by this man - I don't know. You may be as bad as each other - I don't know. But your powerful response to hearing the news (hit by a train/truck, ca't remember which) suggests a deep sense of betrayal (ok, back off baying posters). I appreciate the need to tell the woman who is involved with him now that he was 2-timing her - or just to generally warn her that this guy is not all he seems (to you!). I'm not sure how you could tell her though - is the affair with the man now common knowledge? If not, you would be outing not just yourself but your OH, kids etc - it wouldn't be just you who was outed. It may be that if there is any justice to be done it will be without your intervention and you may have to settle for that

OK I've been on both sides of this...with the same man.

He never told me what had happened, I had to find out through messages etc and details kept coming out. The not knowing really tour me apart.

Just like you i to found out that a relationship he is still in overlapped. SO i sent her a long message detailing what had happened. No graphic details but didn't leave any of the important bits out. Neither of them thanked me (obviously) but i felt so much better for having done it. I felt it was only fair.