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Original poster

Does she deserve to know or do I just want revenge?

56 replies

MrsCasaubon · 06/02/2011 11:38

I am in a quandary. I was in a relationship with someone for about 5 years. I was deeply in love with him and he was apparently completely in love with me. Unfortunately I was not free to pursue it as I would have liked, and things got awfully complicated.

However, I did want to commit to him, and on several occasions told him so. When I did, I never quite got the sense that he was prepared to help me put in place the support mechanisms I would need make this a reality, but I couldn't quite put my finger on things. Eventually I pulled out of the relationship as I couldn't cope with the almost-rejection that wasn't quite a rejection, IYSWIM. We tried to remain friends as he pushed for this but I found it very painful and didn't see him often.

I recently found out that he had a new girlfriend. I was stunned by the physical reaction I had - felt like being hit by a train, frankly.

I confronted him to ask why he hadn't thought to tell me about her, as he owed me that at least, especially if he really was my friend, and he claimed that he had been a coward and was afraid of what I would say. I immediately put two and two together and realised that she was probably the reason for his never-quite-committing. He denied that anything had happened before I had ended things.

A bit of facebook delving proved they had clearly been together for longer than that, so I told him I wanted no contact and haven't seen him since.

However, he is now engaged to this woman. I have also found out that their relationship started a full year before I ended mine with him.

What I want to know is, should I tell her? I strongly feel she ought to know - she is committing her life to someone who hasn't been honest with her. However, I am also worried that I want to spill the beans in order to get revenge on him, and in that case I would be just plain wrong.

Does she deserve to know?

OP posts:
humanheart · 06/02/2011 15:14

so mrs, did you leave your dh for the other guy? or did you stay in your marriage/partnership while you were seeing the other guy? ie have you stayed in the relationship with your children's father all along?

penelopestitsdropped · 06/02/2011 15:16

just know that if you tell this woman he is very likely to also tell your partner.

swings and roundabouts and all that.

Im sorry but i cannot see why you feel it ok for you to have had an affair and yet not him.

you are both as bad as each other im afraid.

the moral high ground you are attempting to stand on is rather shakey

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 15:17

Blimey...not exactly covered in glory yourself are you ?

I would keep you mouth shut...for your own sake, tbh

pagwatch · 06/02/2011 15:17

If she were a friend of yours I may say differently but she isn't so you should mind your own business.

Their relationship is none of your concern.

You have nothing to give her except gossip about his previous wrong doing. which has nothing to do with how he treats her now or how he feels about her or intends to treat her on the future.

Pictish · 06/02/2011 15:20

I don't think you're even remotely motivated to do this woman any good...I get the feeling you just want to put a spanner in the works and cause trouble.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/02/2011 15:21

Dont be a bunny boiler.

You were in a relationship. You entered a relationship with this man you were deeply in love with, but HE did not put the support mechanisms in place so that YOU could commit to the relationship with him? That is just absurd.

  1. You end one relationship before you start a new one.
  2. It is not up to your lover to support you in leaving your partner.
  3. If he was "cheating" on you, that is none of your business because you are yourself a cheat.

Leave alone.

He clearly wants a woman who is free to commit to him, not one who isnt, but who strings him along like you did.

realrabbit · 06/02/2011 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 06/02/2011 15:38

Sorry but I think you're being a bit of a hypocrite. You have no right to be upset by this and I think you should keep quiet.

Hatesponge · 06/02/2011 15:53

You shouldn't say anything to her. Just leave it well alone.

I don't see why you needed him to help you leave your husband? Could you not have done this on your own? You kept him waiting for 5 years, it's hardly surprising he found someone who was free to be with him, and to commit to him which you were unwilling to do.

Mymblesson · 06/02/2011 15:56

Sauce for the goose? Oh dear, how sad.

Leave them alone.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 06/02/2011 16:09

In the nicest posible way, what on earth makes you think she would listen/believe anything you have to say?

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 16:28

Words almost fail me.

You were cheating on your husband, and now want to try to split up your ex-lovers relationship.

He was free at the time to go with whoever he pleased. You were not.

For all you know, the "other woman" as you call her, may have known all about his dalliance with you..

Original poster
MrsCasaubon · 06/02/2011 16:46

A lot of you are being a bit harsh, and missing the point here. I am not a bunny boiler. I don't want him back, and I think he has every right to be with her (still not sure why he couldn't have told me, though).

It doesn't actually matter what I did to him, or what he did to me. My point is purely that he cheated on HER for a year, and I want to know whether she ought to know about this.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 06/02/2011 16:47

You mean, like your partner deserves to know about you cheating on him for 5 years?

Original poster
MrsCasaubon · 06/02/2011 16:51

He does know. He encouraged me to post this.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 16:53

So if you dont want him back, and you think he has a right to be with her, then what do you hope to acheive by interfering?

And what on earth do you mean that your partner has encouraged you to post this?

QuintessentialShadows · 06/02/2011 16:53

So, how did he get to know about the affair?
From you?
Or your lover? Or lovers ex girlfriend?

Are you sure your partner simply does not want you to come across looking a right tit?

(I am answering on the assumption that the OP is genuine)

gettingeasier · 06/02/2011 17:04

I dont see why he should have told you he was with a new (or not)partner at all.

So you have been checking this ex out on FB and your H knows all about it and encouraged you to post this ? He doesnt wonder why you are firstly keeping tabs on your ex and secondly sufficiently bothered that you start a thread on it ?

It all sounds peculiar to me , oh and no of course you shouldnt start telling this woman anything as it has nothing to do with you.

robberbutton · 06/02/2011 17:09

Don't repay evil for evil. What he's done will catch up with him in the end (and her, if she knew he was involved when she started seeing him).

dollydimples · 06/02/2011 17:15

I think if you tell her she will either:

a) already know

b) not believe you

c) think that you're trying to get back with your ex and therefore be extremely wary of you

I don't think she will

a) thank you for telling her

b) re-consider her relationship with your ex

So tell her if you want, but IME it's a waste of your time and emotional energy to even think about it. Move on.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/02/2011 17:19

And if it's true that your H also "wonders" whether this woman has a right to know, then he (like you, I think) wants to punish the wrong person in all of this. It sounds like you want to punish her because you are jealous of her and your H wants to punish the man, when he ought to be concentrating on how much you have hurt him.

It is possible (and hopeful) that this woman knows and that your ex has told her he deeply regretted getting involved with a married woman. I can't imagine that this woman would have a high opinion of you and would mistrust your motives straight away.

Maelstrom · 06/02/2011 17:25

OK... it depends, if you are really concerned about her, talk.

If you think she deserves all the trouble she can get.... keep your mouth shut. Not a word.

Bertina · 06/02/2011 17:28

I think you're posting because you have already set your mind on telling this woman (you may have done so already) and you want validation and support.

You have been badly hurt that this man wanted to remain your friend yet kept a part of his life from you, and that he was unfaithful to you for the last year of your relationship. And your dh's agenda is to cause this man as much pain as he caused your dh.

I don't care who was seeing whom, or who was cheating on whom, or who didn't help whom to leave, er, whom.

I'm not judging you at all for the relationship you had with this man. Relationships can be complicated and none is truly straightforward, and how you and your dh make your marriage work now or in the past is none of my business nor anyone else's.

Plenty of us are answering your question, you are choosing not to accept our answers.

Does she deserve to know? Ought she to know? Should you tell her?

Telling her is not your prerogative.
It's not your decision to make and you are in the worst imaginable postion to tell her her partner was unfaithful. You don't know this woman at all and you know close to diddly about their relationship,therefore you have no way of knowing if she deserves to know. Even if she does deserve to know, she ought not to hear it from you.

No, you should not tell her.

Please don't make a fool of yourself.

Glamour · 06/02/2011 17:28

your just as bad as each other if you ask me! or am i getting the wrong end of the stick Confused

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 17:30

Your Dh must have the patience of a saint?"

WFT are you discussing, with your DH, what the guy you had a 5 year affair with is doing now?

Most puzzled.

However, if this is for real and not a Sunday afternoon wind up, and you are 100% sure of your facts, then yes, she does deserve to know - but you should find someone else to tell her.