One year ago today..

[ChippedChinaTeaCup]

My dp came home at lunchtime, packed a suitcase and left me.

He had been having an affair with a secretary at work for about a month.

I received lots of support and advice from lovely mners - some of which I took and some of which I wish I had taken, in hindsight it would have made things much easier.

One year on we're still together, we love each other but it's still difficult and strained at times. He's now having individual counselling and I've got the phone number for someone but am dithering about ringing. I'm also on AD's now.

My self esteem and confidence have taken quite a battering and I do feel low quite a lot of the time, even my friends have said that I'm a bit too soft and not assertive enough, although they don't know what happened last year.

He's done all the right things, changed job, 3 times since there was contact at two subsequent jobs, given me all passwords, he leaves his phone lying around etc etc. He reassures me that he loves me all the time.

We don't really talk about what happened.. it's like we both have a fear of rocking the boat but now and then there's an explosion about something unrelated and after that we talk a bit and then bury it again.. not good. The plan now is for us both to have individual counselling and then see someone together when we're feeling a bit stronger.

I would say I trust him about 90%.. on a logical level I know he's not doing anything he shouldn't but there's always a little niggle there.

The main thing I need to work on now is my self esteem and assertiveness.. I hate the spineless jellyfish that I am now.

Once I get me back, hopefully I'll be able to work out if I still really want to be with him or if it's just out of habit or what :/

What a rollercoaster of a year, you must be exhausted.

Thee are books out there - things like 'After The Affair'. Counselling (maybe just for you?) might also be worth considering

Yes.. I've got a stack of books to get through, shirley glass among others. I just don't seem able to absorb what I read, if that makes sense?

I will ring the counsellor on Monday.. I've got the number stored on my phone and I keep looking at it and putting it away.

You have been through so much. I think its worth thinking of the dignity and strength you have shown too in trying to deal with this. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Good luck with working out your next step

It is very important that you ring the counsellor. I cannot stress this enough!! I put off counselling for much too long, can't tell you why, I just did. But once I did it I can't believe how stupid I had been for not going earlier. It can only help. Sometimes you just can't deal with it all on your own. There's no shame in getting help from a professional. Do It!!

Hi CCTC - Wow well done for getting this far. I had my first bout of counselling this week on my own. Difficult to get through but definatly worth doing.

He is going too so we should be able to have a joint session soon. Good for him to have moved jobs etc. My DH works with OW too but not moved jobs. Not sure if I can deal with that. He is aware of this and will if no other solution.

Stick with it and it sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

Thank you both

I didn't realise how hard it was til now when I'm looking back.. and I am exhausted and drained from it all.

He voluntarily left his job, but the new job was only a few hundred metres from the old one and so contact occurred again so he had to leave again.

I don't think we would have had any hope of salvaging our relationship if he had carried on working with her.

Even now I don't know if it's salvageable, several times I've said it's time to give up, we had a good try but it's not working and he convinces me that we have something worth saving.. that there is still love between us and the unhappiness is because we need to communicate better and get over what happened. To some extent he's right but I don't know anymore.. it shouldn't be this hard should it?

I wish someone could wave a magic wand and fast forward another year :(

from experience, it will go quicker than you think, you will go through and awful lot but you will learn so much more about yourself too.

That will help set you up for what you want to do next with your life.

It may seem far away but there is light at the end of this tunnel

In your posts, you are talking a lot about what has happened and where you are now but you're not saying much about what you want. What do you want your life to look like? I guess what I'm getting at, is do you want the relationship to continue? Is there any happiness in it for you now?

I also think, from what you've said, you might still be suffering from the shock of what happened and have probably erected some walls around your feelings/what to do which may be a coping mechanism for now. I can't find the right words for this, I'm sorry.

You have gone through so very much but you don't really seem to be thinking about yourself and your needs.

TeaCup - Belle is quite correct.

What do you want for YOUR life?

Not what you think is best for your husbands life. What do you want for YOU?

Thanks so much for sharing where you are up to, it really helps to read other's experiences and know what to expect. You sound like you've come through so much and done really well, and it's good that your H has made such strong signals, IE changing jobs, that he wants to stay with you.

I know you said you've got Shirley Glass- one of the things she says is so important for recovery and healing is to come to a shared understanding of what, how and why it happened. Did you get there? If not, maybe something to focus your discussions on and go through in counselling. I don't know if the explosions you have about it are a normal part of healing or because you haven't dealt with everything yet?

Thanks again all of you.

In the initial few months we did talk about it quite a lot, but I think he minimised quite a lot of the detail and sugar coated it so he didn't look so bad. He does acknowledge that it was his fault but I think we didn't explore that enough and get right to the bottom of it.

He came home in March and was ambivalent until about July, but during that time whenever I said I'd had enough, it wasn't going to work and we should just end things it was him who fought to persuade me to keep going.

One result of what he did is that he now suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. If I go out he's panicky til I come back, or if we go out together he'll follow me to the loo or to the bar if I go to get a round of drinks in. I think he's afraid now that I'll do something to get revenge. He is very clingy and touchy feely and affectionate, and I find that stifling.

The explosions we have seem on the surface to be unrelated but for me it;s all bubbling away under the surface, and I'd imagine that it's the same for him although he doesn't say so. I think he feels tremendous guilt and shame and so doesn't want to discuss it and when we do try, he becomes defensive and it's a wasted conversation, other than that hurtful things have been said which can't be unsaid.

When he came back, I did set out the terms on which I was willing to have him back and he addressed some of the issues but as the dust has settled we've slipped back into some of our old ways and I actually feel relief at that. I'm glad when he goes off to do stuff on his pc in another room, or the weekends that he goes to his hometown.

I honestly don't know who I am or what I want anymore. My self confidence has completely gone, I find I even struggle to make eye contact with people sometimes. A very casual remark from someone can leave me feeling crushed for days. I saw my gp who has given me Mirtazepine (which have stopped me fantasising about stepping off the tube platform at least) and said I might be suffering from PTSD, he did refer me for counselling but so far I'm still waiting to hear and that was in October. I do have the number of someone I found on bacp - I emailed him and he suggested I ring him but I've not done it yet, not sure what's holding me back really.

I think that if I could be sure that things would stay like this forever, then I would rather be alone, but there is still a glimmer of hope which I suppose is what's keeping me hooked.

this was my original thread

I've not been in your situation, but I would imagine that the trust is the most difficult thing to ever regain. Not just that he won't cheat on you, but that he wouldn't just up and leave you without talking to you first. Not only that, but the way he left you, threatening you to stop you making contact with him, how awful.

No wonder you find it hard to get back to any sort of even keel.

But the other thing is, now he doesn't trust you, and that's not fair. Have no idea how you get through this, but really feel for you!

You need to get that counselling sorted out ASAP

You are hanging on, but you don't even know why

Your posts are the posts of a broken woman. They are very difficult to read.

You don't mention that you even love him, and can't imagine life wihout him

You talk of glimmers of hope to keep you hooked. Glimmers of what ? That you could go back to how it was before he betrayed you ?

That man, that relationship has gone forever. You need to decide for yourself (without pressure from him) wheher what you have now is enough

Personally, the way this has appeared to have totally broken your life and your spirit
would not make it worth it. I struggle to undersand how one man is worth it, tbh

I am sorry you feel so low. You really must get some outside perspective.

I vaguely remember your original thread, but haven't reread the link (purposely)

I am posting from the perspective of where you are now.

You're spot on as always AF :o

I don't know if I love him anymore, it's not me that's clinging on it's him and I tend to just go along with it (not rocking the boat) I suppose I don't feel any urgency to resolve things.

I think the hope is that things will improve - that we're still going thru the healing process.

I will give the counsellor a call on Monday - You've given me the kick up the arse I need.

The thing that stops any of us doing things is usually fear.

Make that call and then call me. Thinking of you often. xx

Keep posting, love

Come back and tell us you have called the counsellor

Do you feel sorry for your husband ? He fucked everything up, not you, but he doesn't sound like a monster (not all cheating men are monsters)

If you stay in this limbo because he wants it, you are not being fair to yourself. And if you really have come to the end of the road, sticking with him when the love and trust has gone will prevent you from moving on with your life.

Make sure you are not hanging on for somehing you don't even really want, for the sake of someone who actually betrayed in a terrible way.

You don't owe him your trust, forgiveness nor love just because you gave it to him once. You can withdraw it any time you like x

Is anything better than before, or good in it's own way, about your relationship now?

I'm working on things with my H (3 months now) in the expectation that our relationship will change, grow and become stronger, and that we will grow as people too. I want to view the affair as something that, while devastating and potentially fatal, is also an opportuinity to fix those things about us (ie his lack of effort, my lack of attention), that were contributory factors to what happened.

It doesn't sound like that's what's happened for you :(

(BTW, it hasn't happened for us yet either, but there are some good signs. But if it was a long time and things weren't any better, I think I would have to have a very serious think about whether we did have a future.)

ChippedChinaTeaCup

I agree with everything AF said.

I could tell you stories from myself and from friends - those that stayed and those that didn't and how they feel now, but it wouldn't actually help you.

You need to go and see the counsellor - work out what you want.

If you decide that it is to work on your marriage then you do need to have joint counselling to get to the bottom of why it happened.

From one chip to another

It's a shame you haven't read the Shirley Glass book yet Chipped because her approach is based on trauma survival. In your case, I think it would have been absolutely the right approach, since many of your emotions and physiological reactions sound like PTSD.

I wish there was more understanding about how for many people, this experience is the worst single event to have occurred in their lives, surpassing bereavement, illness, job losses or other life shocks. It changes everything, even in someone who was previously very strong and capable. Friends, family and unskilled counsellors are often unable to help - and can sometimes hinder your recovery, because they cannot understand how or why this has had such a terrible effect.

With the right help (even if much of that is self help ) and a committed partner, the changes can be good, worthwhile and necessary. However, they aren't always easy to make and there are ripple effects. My relationships with a couple of people who really didn't understand are worse, but their reactions have also made me face up to what I had been bargaining away about those people, for years. I view it now as a good thing that I know the truth about those relationships.

I do think some therapy would help, but only with someone who understands what happened to you. A counsellor who will minimise your loss and trauma might be counter-productive, but you need to try this and see if this person is a good fit.

I am glad you finally felt able to start a thread, because I often think about you. One of the huge benefits of this board is that you can hear from people who understand exactly how you feel and it normalises what you are feeling, especially when you are suffering incomprehension from others and also yourself.

Keep posting.

hiya Karman.. I will ring you on monday too.. been putting it off because I didn't want to be the merchant of doom when you're doing so well

wwifn.. glad to see you :) I've read the book but I didn't really take it in.. I seem to have the concentration span of a gnat and the memory of a goldfish these days. I'm going to make a concerted effort to read it again next week and make notes and stuff so it sinks in better.

I didn't mean to paint such a bleak picture, in general life is good. We do lots more things together, get out together more.. before we used to socialise separately mostly.. now we do it together much more. We've had lots of weekends away and things like that. In fact we're going away for the night in about an hour, so I won't be able to post again until tomorrow night or monday.

I think I'm feeling extra shitty because lots of anniversaries have come and are coming. I do know now tho that we have to address things and the starting point for me will be to see a counsellor asap and get some neutral perspective.

Thanks again everyone.. You've no idea how much I appreciate your input xx

Have you called your counsellor yet ?

hehe AF - you know me too well.

I haven't yet because my teenage son is here and I don't want him to overhear. He's going out shortly and I'll make the call then :)

We had a really good time at the weekend and I'm feeling much more positive today. I think once we get halfway through March then all the anniversaries will be gone and hopefully I'll be able to breathe again.