One year ago today..

[ChippedChinaTeaCup]

My dp came home at lunchtime, packed a suitcase and left me.

He had been having an affair with a secretary at work for about a month.

I received lots of support and advice from lovely mners - some of which I took and some of which I wish I had taken, in hindsight it would have made things much easier.

One year on we're still together, we love each other but it's still difficult and strained at times. He's now having individual counselling and I've got the phone number for someone but am dithering about ringing. I'm also on AD's now.

My self esteem and confidence have taken quite a battering and I do feel low quite a lot of the time, even my friends have said that I'm a bit too soft and not assertive enough, although they don't know what happened last year.

He's done all the right things, changed job, 3 times since there was contact at two subsequent jobs, given me all passwords, he leaves his phone lying around etc etc. He reassures me that he loves me all the time.

We don't really talk about what happened.. it's like we both have a fear of rocking the boat but now and then there's an explosion about something unrelated and after that we talk a bit and then bury it again.. not good. The plan now is for us both to have individual counselling and then see someone together when we're feeling a bit stronger.

I would say I trust him about 90%.. on a logical level I know he's not doing anything he shouldn't but there's always a little niggle there.

The main thing I need to work on now is my self esteem and assertiveness.. I hate the spineless jellyfish that I am now.

Once I get me back, hopefully I'll be able to work out if I still really want to be with him or if it's just out of habit or what :/

Right I rang and got a voicemail, so have left a message, hopefully he'll call me back soon.

WWIFN, you're absolutely right in saying that it's the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. Had someone said that to me before I felt it for myself I would never have believed it but now... and it contaminates everything. There are certain tv programmes I can't bear to watch (gavin and stacey in case you wondered) because OW used to go out with the lead singer of the band who did the title music and had the first few bars of that track tattooed on her foot.

Certain places I avoid.. streets where I was walking or driving when I realised things, or got significant messages etc because it brings it all back. I drive miles out of the way to avoid the blackwall tunnel for example because ow lives on the other side of it.. all kinds of stupid things that other people probably think are nuts.

I'm starting to read Shirley Glass again, and I've also got a book called 'How Can I trust you again' by Andrew Marshall which looks as tho it might be useful too. The hard part is getting dp to read it too.. he just won't read a book so maybe I'll try to find an audio format or something.

I do feel a lot better since I first posted on Friday.. something quite significant happened at the weekend. When we first got together, I refused to meet his friends and family because I was very conscuious of being older than him and a bit of a lardy arse and the habit just stuck.. so he'd go off to his hometown maybe one weekend a month and had a whole social circle that I was not part of. So this weekend was one of his closest friend's birthday and he had a party and I actually went along!!! Had a lovely time, was made very welcome by everyone and even invited on holiday with some of them :o

I think the separate social life thing did create a rift, although it didn't seem so at the time and it was my doing initially.. we had got into a pattern of there was this little world with just the two of us in it, and I can see now that that's not healthy. You need to have mutual friends to be a sort of counter balance - friends of the marriage type thing - I'm not explaining that very well but I hope it makes sense. We have opened that up a bit and he now socialises with some of my friends also. It helps to see how the dynamic of other people's relationships work and how they handle things, as well as it being fun to have extra people to have laughs with and actually share the laughs with each other.

I'm learning a lot about myself and how I've been my whole life. That it's not wrong to be clear about what you want/don't want.

I've often felt like an outsider just watching my life.. like it's all happening to someone else. I don't know why I feel that but I have felt it since a child. I don't know if I really feel things or if I'm acting a part.. it's weird and hard to explain but I think it's something I'll need to explore further.

Now to hear back from the counsellor, if not I'll ring again tomorrow.

I think broadening out your life together and having joint friends is going to be really helpful. It means that your relationship is not in a box of its own and in that way, the bond between you strengthens. Friendships are really important, especially if those friends are supportive of your relationship and wish you well. It's also important to have fun together and some common interests.

I'm glad you've made the first move about the counsellor. I also think you'll find NJF so helpful, because there is a chapter about the trauma that will resonate for you and will serve to legitimise your feelings. It cannot help you if you keep having an inner voice telling you that you are over-reacting and it certainly wouldn't help if others said that. So many people who've gone through the same thing will be nodding as they are reading your thread. You are not alone, but you are already seeing what might help you to feel better.

One of the positive outcomes can be a far better knowledge of yourself and the things you value in yourself and others. I think that as long as the counsellor is a good fit, you will benefit enormously. The slightly surreal way you have been living your life might also change, so that you feel fully present and in attendance - I understand the phenomenon you describe.

One tip I will give you is to describe what happened to the counsellor as the most traumatic event you have ever faced and tell him about your PTSD symptoms and avoidance of places and situations. This will allow the counsellor to see instantly where he should be focusing, because sometimes there is a tendency to imagine you are further on the road to recovery than you actually are.

Keep posting and let us know how the counselling goes.

Thanks wwifn.. yes that's exactly it. We're both lucky in that all our friends are decent people.. we've just never really mixed with them together, even for weddings and 'big' events. Looking back I think that's odd.
No one would tell me I'm over reacting as I've never really talked to anyone about it, apart from one neighbour who picked me up in the street when I'd just found out and collapsed in a heap. I kept it quiet partly because I felt ashamed and also because I didn't want any awkwardness in the future if he came back.

The counsellor didn't call back so I'll try him again in the morning and again if I don't get him - I'm determined to get myself sorted out.

I've also updated my cv and am going to send it off tomorrow.. I think another issue is that I have way too much time on my hands. I'm not looking for anything too ambitious just at the moment tho.

I do understand the keeping it quiet bit. Close friends of ours split up, not through an affair, but even so a lot of people chose sides, got angry with the other person. Well, after a divorce they actually got back together, better than ever. Very difficult for them to be friends with the people who went for the other person with venom.

Don't think of it as 'hiding' though. Think of it as protecting your privacy and sanity. You have every right to place that above people's desire to know everything!!!!

Hope the counselling goes well. We're always here to talk, it seems as though just typing things out is helping you work through some things.

squeeeee!!! I've got an interview!!!

Now that is karma. Well done!

Thanks wwifn :o I'm excited and scared and nervous about it all at the same time!

Posting here these last few days has been really helpful to get things out of my head and into some kind of perspective.

I'm feeling much more positive about things and the feedback I've had on my cv today has been amazing which is a huge confidence boost. I've realised that a huge part of my problems is that I'm home alone all day with nothing to do but navel gaze and really in terms of my health I'm well enough now to go back to work, I just needed to bite the bullet and go for it.

Still no joy from the counsellor, I think I'll have to look for another one :( I know that I need that talking therapy no matter what else happens but I feel better for finding the strength to finally shake off my paralysis and at least try to rebuild my life.

Look for another counsellor

And good luck with the interview !

The fog is starting to lift.

Don't worry about talking to me - a) that's what friends are for, and b) I'm so happy at the moment you couldn't possibly bring me down!

Im so please you are doing so well Karmann, whats your secret?

didn't get the job :( not enough experience. Onwards and upwards, I'm going to tweak my cv a bit more and send it out again.

Hi romney, nice to see you. How are things these days?

Karmann.. I'm guessing you're at work now, will ring you tomorrow. I'm soo glad you're happy and doing soooooo well!!!! You've got a helluva lot to be proud of girlie xx

Right... I've made an appointment and will be seeing a counsellor on Monday :o

Also rang Karmann, who's been an absolute rock to me this last year - she's really one in a million. She spotted a few things from what I said which have given me food for thought.. ie about my ambivalence about continuing with my relationship. I'm not in a huge hurry, there's no rush to end things or carry on so I'm going to see what comes of the therapy session and go from there.

I do love my dp, and I know that he loves me but I don't know if it's enough anymore.

Let us know how the counselling goes on Monday Chipped and sorry about the job.

will do wwifn.. although he sounded very clement freud-ish on the phone which was a bit offputting, lol

I'm trying to think of good questions to ask to see if he'll be a good fit or not.. I will ask if he's familiar with Shirley Glass, and what his take on infidelity is but not sure if there's anything else I should get his views on before getting involved.

No worries on the job front, I'll keep plugging away :)

Saw the counsellor, basically today gave him all my background, a biog of my life til now.

He thinks EMDR will be helpful for me.. he's given me some info on it and I'm going back again next week.

My 'homework' is to write headlines of things I wish hadn't happened to me and he said we'll work through those.

Too soon to say if I liked him or not, so we shall see.

This weekend has been difficult.. last night was an anniversary where we had a long, tearful conversation and decided to end our relationship.. and today last year he spent with her.

Things keep popping into my head and then I feel shaky for a few moments.

I wish I could cry but tears won't come.. and I've never had the angry phase in this whole past year. I feel like I need to get it out but it just won't come. Even today with the counsellor, it was like I was talking about someone else. I must seem so cold.

I'm dreading him coming home from work in a way.. because if he doesn't make a fuss about V day then I'll feel like shit and like he doesn't care, and if he does.. I'll be wondering if it's because he feels guilty about last year. We never used to make a big deal out of V day because we did things to show our love all the time, didn't need a special day to do that. He can't win and I feel awful either way :( I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all sorted :(

Big mistake watching Corrie tonight.. it triggered so many memories, the part where they were talking in the car. I can remember having convos like that post discovery and it made me feel really shit :(

Something else.. god this is starting to look like the ramblings of a madwoman

I'm finding I don't want to have sex.. at the moment it's lucky if it happens once a month and dp is getting frustrated. He's not deliberately putting pressure on me but he does sometimes say things like 'it's been a while' or 'I want to be closer tonight' and sometimes we cuddle in bed and I think ok.. let's do this but then I just can't and he's disappointed, then I feel guilty and the cycle continues.. part of it is that I get images in my mind which put me off.. and another part is that I just don't want to.

any ideas how we can get past this sooner rather than later? I do miss the intimacy and closeness of it.. and when we do do it successfully it's bloody marvellous but it just so rarely happens these days, unless I'm lubricated with a few

CCTC just wanted to know you're not rambling to an empty room! Am reading and following, even though have no good advice (v v raw and struggling too atm!) :( xx

Thanks Robberbutton. So sorry you're feeling rough too atm :( xx

Your definately not on your own, I am lurking but havent got any advice. Carry on being brave and moving in the right direction CCTC.

I like it when counsellors give homework, but what is EMDR Chipped?

What impression do you think the counsellor had about the main issues and objectives of the counselling?

EMDR is a kind of therapy used to treat ptsd apparently. He's going to use that I think to help with the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and the objective overall is to get my confidence and backbone back. He said given all the things that have happened in my life he's amazed I'm still here at all . He wants to see me once a week. And of course last night I thought of lots of things I should have told him but forgot at the time grr.

Thanks Romney. How are you doing?

DP came home in a mood tonight.. I think because we didn't do the do last night. We were supposed to be going out for a meal tonight but he went and had a long bath so I guessed that was off and made a makeshift meal. I've been getting one word answers and grunts mostly. He poked his supper around the plate and left it, didn't bother to thank me for making it or anything. He's now in his study watching football I think.

He came down a few mins ago and was a bit friendlier so I think he's realising that he's being a tad unreasonable (or maybe because he heard me make a cup of tea and I didn't offer him one) but he just won't talk about things! I've told him about the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts, and nothing's happened yet to change that but it's like he's forgotten about that. Even last night, while we were watching Coronation Street I got a bit tearful and said it was a mistake to have watched it and he didn't say a word. Likewise with the counselling thing.. he didn't ask any questions or show any interest and when I ask about his counselling he says he doesn't want to talk about it or it's too hard to explain. I think a lot of it is that he doesn't want to be reminded of what his actions have caused.. does that sound plausible?

I've felt very low today, tired and droopy kind of.. a couple of friends I saw even commented on it :/