One year ago today..

[ChippedChinaTeaCup]

My dp came home at lunchtime, packed a suitcase and left me.

He had been having an affair with a secretary at work for about a month.

I received lots of support and advice from lovely mners - some of which I took and some of which I wish I had taken, in hindsight it would have made things much easier.

One year on we're still together, we love each other but it's still difficult and strained at times. He's now having individual counselling and I've got the phone number for someone but am dithering about ringing. I'm also on AD's now.

My self esteem and confidence have taken quite a battering and I do feel low quite a lot of the time, even my friends have said that I'm a bit too soft and not assertive enough, although they don't know what happened last year.

He's done all the right things, changed job, 3 times since there was contact at two subsequent jobs, given me all passwords, he leaves his phone lying around etc etc. He reassures me that he loves me all the time.

We don't really talk about what happened.. it's like we both have a fear of rocking the boat but now and then there's an explosion about something unrelated and after that we talk a bit and then bury it again.. not good. The plan now is for us both to have individual counselling and then see someone together when we're feeling a bit stronger.

I would say I trust him about 90%.. on a logical level I know he's not doing anything he shouldn't but there's always a little niggle there.

The main thing I need to work on now is my self esteem and assertiveness.. I hate the spineless jellyfish that I am now.

Once I get me back, hopefully I'll be able to work out if I still really want to be with him or if it's just out of habit or what :/

That sounds really positive CCTC :) Hope the clarity helps.

Thanks robberbutton.. I do feel as though a cloud is lifting from me. I'm able to joke around and be silly like I used to.. it's like I've got my personality back!

Soo.. the positivity is still with me.. I feel so much better moodwise. My confidence is coming back, my assertiveness is increasing and things are improving overall. DP is responding well to the new me too. We're getting on much better, enjoying each other's company, laughing and joking again like we used to.

Also saw my consultant yesterday and got a clean bill of health pretty much.. no tweaking of meds needed for the first time in 3 years!

So things are pretty good, on Monday is the last significant anniversary.. the one where he finally left her for good and came home, things were tricky for a few months after that but that was the day that he made a commitment to me and to make our relationship work.. it was a bit one step forward, two steps back for a while after that tho.

I hope things will keep going on this track and that I've finally turned the corner.. time will tell I suppose :s

Hmm... Not sure how useful the therapy is tbh. I'm thinking about giving it up but I will have a few more sessions to be sure. I've had 4 so far. My reasons for thinking it's not much cop is that I just seem to ramble on about family and stuff that's happened in the past and it's all stuff I could tell anyone.. nothing deep and meaningful at all. I suppose that's my fault but it's just what comes up.

On the home front, things are pretty good at the moment. I've said before, he's doing everything that can be expected of him to make me feel secure and safe and loved. The only glitch is my lack of sex drive. I just can't be arsed with it, and hte longer it goes on the harder it seems to get. There might be biological factors causing it but I don't know if there's some kind of mental block too? I'd appreciate wisdom on that front please ladies.

I'm still feeling brighter, not quite as bouncy as tigger but pretty damn good all the same. Now it seems I'm just waiting for him to fail.. why can't I accept that just maybe.. he won't? I know he won't stray again.. there's been no contact with ow since last summer and he has put barriers up to make sure nothing inappropriate can happen again. All his friends tell me how much he loves me, how he talks about me all the time, is constantly texting me when in their company etc.. so why am I still half expecting it all to go wrong again?

He's even talked about us getting married.. I'm very hesitant about that and he hasn't pushed the issue at all.

Sometimes I think I spend too much time brooding, and reading threads here which stop me from moving forward, and that maybe I should give the relationship board a wide berth for a while but at the same time I find it helpful to know there are others in the same boat and the advice dished out is interesting.

I dunno

Scrap my last mrssage. Hes had enough of feeling unwanted and unloved and is moving out :(

sorry to hear that CCT :( ffs it's only been a short time, your bound to still feel raw. He is clearly only thinking about himself and he is the twat that caused this upset

Chipped, OMG im sorry, your post earlier was sounding so much more positive. What happened for him to change so quickly, why hadnt he been talking to you about his feelings?

FFS, I hate these bloody men. So sorry CCTC :(

Thanks all of you.

What happened was that earlier in the evening he'd mentioned something about poker (his hobby) he's good at it and does make a fair bit of money at it but he seems to think tht one day he'll be a millionaire through it. So I just said I thought it was unrealistic and a mugs game, fine for a hobby but not something to base future plans on. All fine, we had dinner etc.

Later on, we had a bath together.. it was nice to feel close but there was no 'fooling around' or any kind of sexual play, just lots of cuddles and closeness. Afterwards he was quite and a bit tense. I aksed what was wrong and that's when he said he was sick of being in a loveless, sexless marriage and was going to look after no1 for a change. That he's moving out. He didn't want to have a discussion and just said he didn't want to hear the same old shit from me. So I said nothing, offered him the option of coming to see my counsellor with me (who does relationship/couples work too) and he said no. That he's moving out and if I ever sort my head out then maybe we could try again. He went off to his study and came back down after an hour or so and invited me to play monopoly on the wii.. which we did, had a laugh, the usual banter and all seemed normal again (weird hey?) then bed, he put an arm around me and we went to sleep.

This morning he was quite moody and stomped out of the house slamming the door behind him.

Soo.. that's where we're at.

Wow CCTC, that sounds f*ed up.

How did you feel when he said those things? What was your gut reaction?

He can't just throw comments like that in your face whenever he's in a sulk. That is absolutely not on.

Honestly? I felt relieved.

Thing is he won't leave. Even when his affair was going on, I asked him on numerous occasions to just leave me alone and that if he felt he would be happier elsewhere then he was free to go and it just made him cling on to me harder.

He also made a swipe about how hard he works to keep a roof over our heads. In fact that isn't true.. the house was originally mine and he doesn't pay for it at all. I do ask him to contribute towards food and bills but that is all. That pissed me off no end.

Oh CCTC :( if you felt relieved at the thought of him going, doesn't that speak volumes?

My H wouldn't have gone either. Even when I found out about him still being in contact with OW, he was begging to stay, to sleep on the sofa (well, that lasted about a day, anyway). That's what happens when you're married to a lazy, passive, self-absorbed man who wants everything :(

Aargh got workmen in the house and they've cut the internet/phone wire so i canonly post from my phone and im really crap at that!

Only communication from him is that he asked meto buy him a new toothbrush and i said no lol

Are you sure you did the right thing staying with him? The damage caused just doesn't seem worth it.

So sorry CCTC. They just cant deal with their f*ing crisis inside themselves. Keep posting and get support!

Emma I don't know what the right thing to do is/was anymore. I do think I should have insisted at the time on a longer time apart but it's too late for that now.

I don't know if I'm wallowing now, that I shold be further along the recovery process or if I'm genuinely still traumatised.. not sure I've put that very well. Have I got into this habit of feeling wrecked rAther than really feeling wrecked.. does that make any sense?

We didn't talk at all last night. I was cooking when he came in so he made us both a cup of tea and then disappeared into his study, never spoke a word. After a couple of hours he came down and got some dinner and disappeared again. After a while he came down and sat with me on the sofa, started fiddling with the tv - again very little being said other than trivia about the dingbat workmen who'd cut the phone and internet wires during the day and he kept offering me cups of tea and bringing me chocolate biscuits. Eventually he went to bed and I stayed watching tv for another hour or so.

And that's where we're at.

I just don't know what I want anymore. On the one hand I can see that I would be fine without him, and possibly happier.. less strained at least. On the other hand I do love him and we do have fun quite a lot of the time.

So confused :(