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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asking dh for money is humiliating

55 replies

pink4ever · 02/02/2011 22:31

I have posted on here before about major problems in marriage(sorry cant do links). One of my main issues is over money-dh views his money as his. He pays all bills,buys food,pays for petrol etc. I get the cb into my account(h has his own account)and I use this to pay for school dinners,afterschool activities and clothes for dc(and myself occasionally). So I basically have about £40 a week to spend.
Should have said I am sahm(and before I get any posts telling me to get a job and earn my own cash-the childcare costs would make this pointless!).
If I run out of money and need cash(usually for stuff we run out of-veg,bread etc) I have to ask dh and he makes me feel like a piece of dirt.For example I asked him tonight for £10 as need to get some bits at supermarket tomorrow. He then asked me in front of our dc what I needed the cash for?!(twice in fact as I refused to answer the first time!). I just find it so humiliating.
Any advice?(and please dont tell me to leave him as have no money and no where to go).

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 02/02/2011 22:41

How long have you been together?

I remember feeling that shame, and now i know it was not my shame to have.

I was on maternity benefit, and was recieving child benefit, I never mentioned needing money to exh and he could see I was buying weekly shop/baby clothes/nappies/milk etc and he let me carry on spending my money for months on end.

I was so embarrised, that I waited until I had used up all my savings and I had run out of maternity pay, so was only getting child benefit, I then felt so embarrised and I asked exh for some money as I had none left. He laughed and said oh, I had no idea, why didn't you mention it, here have £x of money, we will get a joint account etc...

I now know that he was an emotional abuser!

birthdaychick · 02/02/2011 22:44

Why don't you talk to him, suggest that he pay a certain amount into your account and go from there? Alternatively get a job, pay half the bills (including half the chilcare) and see how that goes.

mercibucket · 02/02/2011 22:48

well if you divorce him you'll get half his money straight away (sorry if flippant but provides a view of how the law sees your assets - as joint)

msboogie · 02/02/2011 22:52

getting a job should not be impossible because he would have to pay half of the childcare costs.

you shouldn't have to live like this in this day and age, its a disgrace.

Tell him you are getting a job and his share of the childcare will be £xx a month or else he pays you a share of what is both of your income. You are enabling him to earn that income by looking after his children for him while he is at work (and all the rest of the time as well I'd bet)

if you did leave him you would have more money than you do now -he would have to give you money.

Original poster
pink4ever · 02/02/2011 22:53

Thanks for the advice so far. I have tried to talk to him about this but he has zero respect for the job I do as sahm. If I say things like well I would be entitled to half house/savings/assets if we divorced he justs laughs(dont want to out myself but he works in this area and I know there is no way he would just hand over cash to me if we split).

OP posts:
dittany · 02/02/2011 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhForBoonessSake · 02/02/2011 22:55

you have bigger problems than the money if he is making you feel like dirt. Sad

msboogie · 02/02/2011 23:01

I don't care what his job is - he would have to support his children and put a roof over their heads if you split.

I am sorry but he has no respect for you and knows that he has you where he wants you - in total submission. You need to get some control -make an appointment with a lawyer - you can get a 30 minute slot free. Ask them what your position would be if you left him. At least you will get the truth rather than self serving bullshit.

I'm not suggesting you should leave him (although he wouldn't see my arse for dust) but if you are armed with proper information you might be in a better position when dealing with him.

Take back some control for yourself. Take it, it's the only way things will ever change.

MrsAlanKey · 02/02/2011 23:02

Tell him you are getting a job and he needs to pay X for childcare.

or

Tell him to put X amount in you bank account for your spends. (DH and I have our own accounts for crap and a joint account for bills/dc stuff)

or

Tell him to open a joint account and give you unfettered access to it.

If he won't do any of these then you really do need to have a serious think about whether you would be better off living apart rather than with someone who humiliates you and makes you feel like a piece of dirt in your own home in front of your dcs.

MummieHunnie · 02/02/2011 23:05

I would speak to women's aid about how to handle getting yourself with this man.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 23:46

pink I remember some of your posts. This is a man who has cheated on you, shows you zero respect, spends hours and hours looking at porn and doesn't want to spend time with you or your family. Now you say he is with-holding money from you. This is awful. Please consider your other options, they really do exist. At the very least get some independent advice. Sad

StuffingGoldBrass · 02/02/2011 23:53

This man is not just bad with money or in ignorance of how much it costs to buy food/cleaning products/whatever DC need each week. He is behaviing like this deliberately because he wants you submissive and obedient and he likes making you beg for money.
Call Women's Aid, you don't have to live like this.

BuzzLightBeer · 02/02/2011 23:54

He has no respect for you. Plus he's a cunt.

MummieHunnie · 02/02/2011 23:58

I kind of wish I had not read this thread now as it is bringing back all kinds of memories Sad. I remember once when I told him I had no money left for something after I had run out of money (before the joint account was opened), he took great delight at chucking a load of notes out of his wallet and flung them flying around on the bed at me joking Hmm, what the hell was I thinking back then Blush?

Does your man do anything like that to you op?

DooinMeCleanin · 03/02/2011 00:02

You don't ask him for money, you tell him "I need £x tomorrow for x"

If he kicks up a fuss tell him when you leave him the CSA will make him pay ££££

WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/02/2011 00:05

Good grief! Have yo asked him for a bank card? Or for some cash to be put int your accoun weekly or monthly?

DH and I have seperate accounts...I earn some money but not enough that he doesn't need to give me more...I have access to his account and we have joint savings.

It's not normal and you need to sort it now..TELL him he needs to either share an account with you or give you access to his.

If he is not happy with that then you need to come back here and some of the very knowledgeble people will help you...its not ok.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/02/2011 00:07

Pink..if he refuses to give you money then you need legal advice asap. You can't live like this...you'll need more and more cash as the DC gets older. They get more expensive...clothes school trips....blah blah...I hope you're not too down.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 03/02/2011 00:12

I think you know that this is about more than money.

This man is abusing you. You feel ashamed, demoralised and unappreciated.

What can you say that is positive about teh relationship? Do you love him? Do you cherish your time together? Does he make you happy? Feel secure?

Please leave him. Talk to WA or an independent solicitor for advice. You can't go on like this forever, you must respect yourself, and show your children that you are strong and capable.

gemmummy · 03/02/2011 00:16

When you are married and you have kids all your money should be OUR money. No excuses. You are worth so much more than feeling shit asking for money.

gemmummy · 03/02/2011 00:21

seriously OP, get some help. It is not an equal relationship if he makes you feel like dirt when you ask for money for food. Plusx, Cb is fuck all really, when paying for school dinners and clothes and stuff. PLEASE PLEASE don't bring your kids up like this xxxx

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 03/02/2011 00:40

i dont understand people who have their own accounts, since DS was born DH the DF used to use my own account bank details to put his wage into it. Then we set up an account in both our names. Its easier for bills, food, petrol etc etc. i tell him what i have spent at the minute he has started a job that is monthly pay so going from weekly to monthly so its hard so today we got TC and he is working away i told him to get out what he needs before i go shopping and get rest out befor anything swallows it up. We have £30 to last until wednesday next wee. but will be better at ened of month when he gets paid.

Get a joint account,

spidookly · 03/02/2011 07:02

You need to leave him and get a job.

He's abusing you.

Longtalljosie · 03/02/2011 07:11

Tell him you need a joint account. He'll refuse, but you need to make it very clear this is what you think is reasonable.

TBH - DH and I don't have all our money in the joint account, but we do pool all our money, pay the bills when we do the money, and then both have the same amount of "spending money" to get us through the month. Despite the fact that his income is now more than 3x mine (I work p-t)

If that seems impossible too, suggest mediation. If he won't go to mediation, tell him you'll divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. He may laugh but that's only to intimidate you. It won't be you against him, it'll be your lawyer against his, so an equal fight.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2011 09:04

Don't bother with a joint account.

Get out of this relationship.

nje3006 · 03/02/2011 09:44

He is using his financial muscle to control you. You shouldn't have to 'ask' him for money for food.

You need to discuss a more equitable arrangement. If he disagrees then you have some hard thinking to do.

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