Asking dh for money is humiliating

[pink4ever]

I have posted on here before about major problems in marriage(sorry cant do links). One of my main issues is over money-dh views his money as his. He pays all bills,buys food,pays for petrol etc. I get the cb into my account(h has his own account)and I use this to pay for school dinners,afterschool activities and clothes for dc(and myself occasionally). So I basically have about £40 a week to spend.
Should have said I am sahm(and before I get any posts telling me to get a job and earn my own cash-the childcare costs would make this pointless!).
If I run out of money and need cash(usually for stuff we run out of-veg,bread etc) I have to ask dh and he makes me feel like a piece of dirt.For example I asked him tonight for £10 as need to get some bits at supermarket tomorrow. He then asked me in front of our dc what I needed the cash for?!(twice in fact as I refused to answer the first time!). I just find it so humiliating.
Any advice?(and please dont tell me to leave him as have no money and no where to go).

I agree, what if you got a job and each of you paid half of the childcare? Or you tell him you're getting a job, but he'll need to pay for childcare?

At least a step toward independence from him, then when you become strong enough and don't want to be in the relationship any longer (if that happens), then you will be able to make that decision and not feel trapped because you have no job/money.

Unbelievable.

Starting point in any relationship should be a joint account for joint bills.

Individual accounts for personal spends.

When one of you stops working SAHM/SAHD the working partner's whole salary - and to be fair CTC/CB needs to go in. When bills/emergency cash covered... it goes 50/50 "spends".

When you start work your salary goes in too (childcare comes out) and hopefully you both get a "spends" increase.

Remember if you chuck him, he'll end up paying only about 20% in CSA if you have 2 kids. As far as the marital settlement goes, you'll get 50%, probably. But that doesn't mean you'll keep the house, nor that he'll end up paying mortgage/rent for you.

Can you get access to statements to track what the bills/shopping/regular payments are? From that, work out what his cut is [note, you have to allow his travel to work as a joint expense :)] but see what his spends are.

If he's not going to discuss this, he has little respect for you and reluctantly you may have to go further.

From a bloke's perspective, he will feel pressured; he will feel guilty. Expect some bluster, but just say it needs to be discussed, and let him choose a time within the next couple of weeks. Don't get into a shouting match with him, as that will let him self-validate his response to you.

There are lots of things you could say/do that would make yuor position here (I'd just give him a shopping list and tell him to pick stuff up on the way back from work), but it does sound like the problem here is more fundamental to your relationship (even without knowing what you've written on other threads).

Does he recognise you as an equal partner in your relationship?
Does he recognise you as an adult even?

If neither of the above, then some fundamentals about your relationship need to change because it sounds like this money thing is just one symptom of many that you could tell us about.

A healthy relationship should make you feel empowered, it should be an ongoing boost to your self-esteem, it should make you a better parent, it should make you feel loved.

-Does this relationship do that?
-If not, is he prepared to make the effort to do these things?
-If not, do you think you can manage getting ground down like this day after day, week after week?

Hopefully you can answer yes to one of the first two questions. I don't believe that anyone could answer yes to the last one.

I work (self-employed), I only earn about 6k a year, but it fits around me and I enjoy it. DH earns substantially more than this. I dont like asking DH for money either. DH is fine about it, as long as I'm being careful with money, and not "frittering". He does irritate me at times, for instance if we want to watch something different on telly, and DH points out that he is the one paying the TV licence to hold sway.

I'm not sure whether its a possibility, but are you able to be self-employed? A friend of mine is very good at sewing and makes curtains for her pocket money. Another is a farmers wife, and goes milk recording.

He sounds like a tyrant, but personally I like to persevere, rather than giving up and walking away.

Good luck

P.S. DH and I do not have joint accounts.

Just read an earlier post that he has cheated on you - that changes my advise competely on walking away from him.

Persevere? Why on earth are you putting up with that sort of behaviour should? I expect you earn less because you're caring for his DCs. If the positions were reversed and he was the primary carer, would you make jibes about having the right to the television, as you paid for it?

He sounds awful. You sound quite afraid of him. Is he a lawyer?

+1 for WhenwillIfeelnormal's response to shouldnotbehere.

You don't need joint accounts. You need a joint account all money goes into, where bills are sorted (including TV licence!).

You then standing order out equal spends into your own accounts. When bills go up you both get less; when your 6k rises to 15k yippee, you both get lots more.

[FWIW, I bet he'd then get really nice birthday presents :)]

Ask his Mum if you can take the DCs round to hers for lunch because you've got no food in.

When she asks why, tell her that her son won't give you any money. She'll be furious.

He needs to get that he's being outrageous and probably shaming him is the only way. Its a disgrace that a man who is some kind of lawyer and therefore earning money will not provide for his family.

Long term I think leaving him might be a good idea but you need to make your life bearable in the here and now.

For the record, my DH (who is mega-thrifty) always offers money and his cards so that I don't have to feel bad about asking. In return I make the effort to spend carefully and put money away.

my mum lived this way in the 60s and 70s - she described it as humiliating in the same way the OP does. In the end she got a job - which my dad hated. I guess that was the way in was in that time.

Even though my dad is dead now and was a very good dad, this still rankles with her 50 odd years on and she still mentions it :(

You have way bigger problems than money! I don't know why you would want to stay with someone who has treated you this way.

My Mum had arrangments over "housekeeping", etc, and she was always having to ask my Dad for money. I'm a SAHM and DH has set up standing orders to put money for bills & shopping in a joint account (I think he's actually lost his own card for that account!) and some money into my own personal accounts for my personal spending. It's not "his" money - it's ours, and if I need it, I take it!

Onemorecrap, I knew DH was tight before I married him, and he can at times be controlling. I went into my marriage with my eyes open to his faults, ready to make it work, and be together for better or worse. If he cheated on me or abused me, then I probably would leave him, but for the most part he is a lovely husband.

DH has always encouraged me to earn money, and feels very strongly about me contributing, as I said he is tight!! DH works very long hours, getting up at 5.30am to go to work, and I think he likes to know that I am doing my best for our family's future too.

When DH bought his first house costing 175k, he had 100k in the bank, and paid off the 75k loan in five years. Him being tight has its benefits! We have since sold this house and moved to farmhouse.

We have always got on fine with no joint account, he pays the household bills, and sometimes gives me his card to take money out and pay for food shop, fuel etc. Any large purchases with DH need to be carefully considered (he likes to budget). Personally I would hate DH to know what I spend the money I have earnt on, as I am not so cautious.

Every relationship is different. It works for us, clearly for pink4ever, it is not working.

shouldnotbehere pleased it works for you.

Suggestion was to OP of a standard way of dealing with these things.

Oh, and Onemorecrap - what's that about? h & r are a bit far apart on the keyboard for that to be accidental, but san fairy ann.

ROFL at onemorecrap
She probably just misread it, but it did make me giggle. One time, I typed moonbag instead of moondog and I was so and horrified! So this has given me a much needed laugh today! Thank you :)

I've just been ticked off elsewhere and am probably being ultra cautious/sensitive. Bit of a n00bie here.

While lurking I've seen so many people (99%+? women) going "am I unreasonable"etc. And I thought I ought to chuck in a bloke's point of view occasionally.

Mostly - no he's being a knob; no, hitting is always wrong; yes, affairs happen so far.

Apologies onemorechap, i'd missread it.

Hi
thanks for all the replies.The advice is much appreciated.I dont know if he is actually abusive-he is a good dad
(mostly). He honestly does not think that I am contributing anything as sahm so therefore why should he give me his money(iyswim). I point out to him that I facilitate him going to work but just ignores me.
I know this is a very unhappy marriage but I was brought up by single parent and dont want that for my kids(no offence to single mums).
Is hard to see how to change this as we dont talk(really-can count on two hands how many words we say to each other in a week). Cant speak to his parents as one poster suggested as they also think am lazy cow for being a sahm. Friends know a little bit but not the full story(in rl am come across as loud,confident person but am so not!). Thanks again for all the replies-being able to vent on here is a big help.

How are you today Pink? :)

'I dont know if he is actually abusive-he is a good dad' sweetie, this isn't about his ability to be a father, it's about his attitude towards his wife. And a good father would not withold money from the mother of his children. Nor would he belittle her in fromt of them. What sort of example is that setting.

Ask yourself this: WHen your sons grow up, would you be happy for them to copy their father and treat you DIL the way you are treat? Or how about your girls, would you be happy for them to put up with what you are?

The answer is no, isn't it? Your 'H' is setting this example to them, that is not what good fathers do.

All the money that comes into our house, regardless of who earns it, is our money.
If something is needed for the family, one of us buys it out of our money. If my purse is empty, I'll ask (technically I s'pose) him for some, but it could equally work the other way. Not an issue.

But the problems in your marriage, pink, run a lot deeper than this one issue.
Not very heldpful, I know, but I don't know what to suggest. Sympathies...

PLEASE DON'T EVER GET A JOINT ACCOUNT WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN.

Anyone who advises you to do so it very wrong. He will still not provide for you, he will still devote funds but if you do ever escape, it was be a millstone around your neck. please trust me on this it is NOT the solution

devote = divert