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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have i done something really stupid!!!!!

61 replies

pinkhair · 02/02/2011 09:52

I think i may have done something really stupid.....

I have been talking to a guy online for a couple of weeks, we have spoke on the phone, he is really lovely, kind, caring, loving.

We are going to meet up this weekend and go for a drink, but last night i was talking to him and he said he really wanted to see me, so between us we arranged for him to come to mine last night, i told a friend that he was coming over, when he arrived it was fantastic, we chatted he told me all about himself, his life, what he has been doing, etc and i talked about myself, he brought a bottle of wine, (we only had one glass each)everything was fine all night, he went home later on that night and i went to bed feeling really happy.

But then this morning, my friend who i told last night that he was coming round was cross with me for letting him into my home, and as she pointed out...my DS was upstairs alseep. Now all i can think of is how stupid was i for even thinking of it, but he is such a lovely guy, did i do the wrong thing here? surely i can trust my own judgement?

OP posts:

Myleetlepony · 02/02/2011 09:59

I think it's too late to worry now, but wouldn't have invited him round myself. You'd only spoken to him on the phone, how can you judge what someone is like from that? I'd have a few dates with a new man before inviting them round, you need a bit of time to find out what they are like and if you actually want to keep seeing them before letting them know where you live surely?

Sarsaparilllla · 02/02/2011 10:01

I woudn't have invited someone to my house the first time I met them no matter how long I'd spoken to them on the phone.

I've always met internet dates in a public place and let someone know where I was going, but, no harm came of it so I wouldn't worry too much this time, but I don't think you should do it again

compo · 02/02/2011 10:03

fgs it doesn't matter now
he sounds lovely!
when will you see him next?

batman47555 · 02/02/2011 10:03

get a baby sitter and go round his next time, i am sure all will be fine you know loads about him now, you are just being overly worried.

KikiJane · 02/02/2011 10:07

I wouldn't have done that either, but what's done is done now. It doesn't matter what other people think -- there is still a stigma about internet dating and I don't think that's going away any time soon, so people will often think the worst. But the fact is, nothing happened, he seems lovely and you are happy.

If this works out, awesome. If it doesn't, don't let it put you off, but I'd be very careful about inviting someone to your house on a first date again, wherever you happen to meet them.

Original poster

pinkhair · 02/02/2011 10:14

Thanks so much for all your advice and comments.

I know it was stupid of me, but i honestly didnt think that anything could of happened, or gone wrong, maybe i trust people to much....

Well like you all said nothing horrible did happen and i know my friend got cross with me because she cares about me, bless her :)

I am seeing him again at the weekend, my DS is with my XH then.
I was really happy when he went, we had a wonderful night, never felt so wanted before, after such a terible relationship and marriage with my XH.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 02/02/2011 10:27

Slow down pink, you are still vulnerable.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, but please look after yourself?

Myleetlepony · 02/02/2011 10:54

Yes, slow down. Get out and about for some dates, you don't need to be visiting each other's homes at this stage. He may be lovely, on the other hand, he may not be. Give yourself a bit more space and time. You sound quite vulnerable, and I think you need to take a step back and expect to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. If this is the one, then great, but statistically in the dating game... well, you know...

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 11:59

Oh pinkhair having followed your story so avidly, I do worry about you. This was a lucky escape, but I think your abusive marriage might have completely shot your radar. Your DS is going through some real problems atm and I dread to think what he might have thought if he'd come downstairs, or what might have happened to you or DS if there had been any unpleasantness.

This bloke might be lovely and I hope that he is, but take it slowly and verify as much as you can about him, because I think you are too trusting. You are so vulnerable at the moment. Lots of men understand the rules of internet dating and why suggesting first dates at homes is unwise, yet this man overlooked all that and now knows where you live.

Going to his home would have been just as unwise, except you may have been able to satisfy yourself that he was single....

JustForThisOne · 02/02/2011 12:23

everything WWIF said

Gibbous · 02/02/2011 12:47

"get a baby sitter and go round his next time, i am sure all will be fine you know loads about him now, you are just being overly worried."

No, please don't do that either, no offence Batman. I don't think you can know enough about anyone you've met online until you've met a good few times IRL, in a public place, make it a proper date out next time and go home alone. He might have been ok when he came to your's, but who's to say after only meeting him properly once, he's entirely trustable now?

emmyloopsylou · 02/02/2011 13:12

If he was a decent man he would know it's not the done thing to invite yourself to a womans house, let alone when her dc's are there, if you have never met before.

He broke this one rule and is now making you feel more wanted than ever after one night. I really hope he hasn't smelt out your ishoos with previous forms and your vunrability, but I feel he has.

I'd be treading very carefully, yes it was stupid but what is worrying is he actually suggested it. A man worth his salt wouldn't have tbh.

Fantoosh · 02/02/2011 13:15

It worries me when you say "we have spoke on the phone, he is really lovely, kind, caring, loving" like that. You sound so sure. I'm not certain you can be so confident after two weeks talking on the phone. You may well be right, but better to find out in neutral territory first, before inviting him to your home.

Slow down - what's the rush?

Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2011 13:28

Nearly everyone is nice in the beginning, otherwise they wouldn't get a date, would they? It takes time to find out whether they really are that nice or faking it. Even your H was nice once...

Nobody wants to spoil your fun and it's great you had an enjoyable evening, but you could have had an enjoyable evening in a nice restaurant without giving your home address to someone who, however nicely they write, is basically a stranger. Axe murderers are thankfully rare, but pushy guys who keep turning up on the doorstep thinking they own you after a couple of dates are distressingly common.

ImFab · 02/02/2011 13:32

It wasn't the best decision you could have made but luckily you are okay. I arranged to meet someone I had written too and spoken on the phone too and told a friend I was meeting him and might take him home. She told me not too and I listened. Knowing him now it would have been fine but I wasn't to know that.

I think you need to slow right down and have dates with him well away from your flat. He might be lovely and a keeper but if that is the case, why rush? It is pretty pushy of him and really he should have more awareness.

blondegirl1979 · 02/02/2011 20:29

pinkhair: I understand completely, and if it helps you at all then I did it worse than you. I placed a nsa ad on the internet (I have a post on this...I got slagged off a bit !)I emailed and texted a really sexy bloke for a week or so, we hit it of straght away, spoke about meeting up, and aranged a day, were going to meet half way but eventually I sauggested he just come to mine, it felt totally right. He arrived and was one of the nicest blokes Ive ever met, admittted that he got really nervous while he was driving over, as he didnt know what he was going ot arrive to find - I could have been a bloke, he could have got beaten up/mugged or whatever and I live in the middle of nowhere so he was getting more and more concerned, which I thought was very touching for a Royal Marine.

Anyway, long story short, after a bit of conversation we were both naked infront of my fire, he stayed a few hours then went home, he texted an hour after he left saying he wanted to see me again, we arranged to meet over xmas, but I was ill so we didnt. As it was nsa, I knew he was due to go away again for work and wouldnt really be in my area much, he wasnt really my usual type (a bit younger than I would ususally go for, but after seeing his pic...why not !).

2 people know this happenend (but after the event), 1 was a much older male friend who was horrified that I would put myself in that position and made me promise I woudlnt do it again, and the other was my best mate who was sceptical, but was won over by his photo. I dont mean to sound flippant here, but my point is that I ALWAYS trust my gut instinct, and it has never let me down, the OP obviously felt like this too, and I know that reading back my story and hers if a friend of mine had told me it I would have had a go at them for it.

The second bloke I met from the same ad, I did meet in town for a drink in town before we came back to mine for a take away and a dvd, again I knew straght away that I just felt comfortable with him, and in this case I have seen him several times over the last 3 weeks, the original bloke has contacted me a few times but I havent felt the need to see him having met man no2.

I know some people are going to disagree with me on this, but you can only go by your own instincts/feelings etc, as no 2 people are the same.

Original poster

pinkhair · 02/02/2011 20:34

wwifn I know how you have followed my other post with the best advice antone can give, and i know what i done was a really stupid thing to do, not just to me, but to put my DS in that postion was wrong of me, and i know something that i wont be doing again for a long time.

I think i just got caught up in it, and didnt think properly when asked if he could come over, someone was paying me some attention and i lapped it up.

I know i am very vulnerable at the minute and i do trust people to quick, going to have a chat with my counsellor tomorrow and tell her how i have been and see if she can help me.

Thank you all for your advice, you all could of said that i was real nutcase for doing what i did, but not one of you did, you have all said i was silly and wrong which is true, and i thank you all for being honest with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkhair · 02/02/2011 20:43

Thank you blondegirl for your advice, i felt safe with him in my house, not once did i feel threatened or scared, and he was a true gentleman, we did talk about seeing each other again at the weekend, but im unsure now as to invite him back to mine again cos of the concerns on here.

I know i should of met him in the pub first, but we didnt want to wait until the weekend to see each other, and i didnt see anything wrong with that to start off with, it was only when my friend pointed out the dangers that i thought ' oh shit' she was right.

But like poeple have said on here, 'whats done is done and i'm ok'
Not proud, but ok!!!!!

OP posts:

blondegirl1979 · 02/02/2011 20:54

You have met him once and you know how you felt with him, and it sounds like it was all positive, so I cant think that there would be any issue with having him in your house again, if thats what you want to do.

Some people do judge, possibly becuase you only normally hear about the bad stuff that happens in the world, never the good.

If hes a "keeper", then hes a "keeper" and it wont matter where you met him the first time, if its meant to be its meant to be.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 20:57

Blondegirl please take the trouble to read Pinkhair's other thread, because given her situation, I think you are giving very poor advice. I can only imagine that you didn't have a traumatised 6 year old upstairs when you invited the first man back to your house and that you haven't only just exited a horribly abusive marriage.

Original poster

pinkhair · 02/02/2011 21:01

Dont worry wwifn, i am listening to the correct advice, i have learnt my lesson, and i know i shouldn't have done what i did, i made a mistake, but i am only human after all. But i wont be making the same one again.

Lesson learnt

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 21:02

blondegirl1979 · 02/02/2011 21:07

wwifn. No i didnt know that, I gave my opinion based on the facts in the post.

MrsFlittersnoop · 02/02/2011 22:12

Hi Pinkhair, I've been following your other thread and wanted to say well done for having the courage to get out of your marriage.

Can I just add to what others have posted here - what's done is done, and I hope you take things nice and slow with this new chap and that it works out for you.

But PLEASE don't let him come round to your house again while your child is there. Not only will it upset and confuse them, it could cause the most awful trouble with your ex.

If he finds out, he will probably get VERY nasty. He'll accuse you of leaving him because you've been having an affair. And he will tell everyone else this is why you've left.

Women leaving an abusive relationship are most at risk of harm just before and just AFTER they get out. Don't chuck petrol on the fire.

surprisenumber3 · 02/02/2011 22:38

Hi, I don't know your background but I did similar when I met my DH, we had only chat/text and had one very brief meet for a drink in a pub. I asked him round, DS asleep upstairs and I was also very vulnerable at the time (had a number of issues, including a failed marriage, mentally abusive ex-P etc), to be honest if I'd have been as 'together' as I am now I probably wouldn't have dared do it.

BUT....after that night he never really went home and now it has been 8.5 years, we're married and we have DS2 and DD :)

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