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Original poster

Help me, I lust after students all the time

89 replies

GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 09:51

I?m not a troll, and this is a serious problem. I work at a university, and I have a problem. I?m surrounded by young attractive women all day long. I?m 29, and I?m no heavy breathing pervert. Some girls look very young straight out of school and aren't an issue, but a great many are masters students, 21,22, and I find it all so distracting. I don?t want to be that walking cliché you read about, and one hand I?m assured it?s fairly natural. I don?t want DP to know about this. What can I do here, other than change jobs?

OP posts:
tadpoles · 02/02/2011 11:37

Think you need to get a real problem to worry about - you know, an ill child or looking after a sick relative or - how about a spell working as an aid worker somewhere? You know, something to take your mind off a non-existent problem

Also, has it occurred to you that your partner won't know, unless you tell her?

Or you could be brainwashed into thinking that your thoughts are evil - I don't know, maybe join a cult or religion (are you a Catholic by the way?)

Just a few thoughts!

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 11:38

Thingumy,

I think the guilt comes from two thoughts

  1. The number of people, as I've said, when I worked in a normal office, there might be a few people every day. Here, it's multiple people, practically every day.
  2. The perhaps more prosaic thought that there are millions of people out there who I would be attracted to. My sexual history is one where I spent a long time in my early to mid twenties with a woman, and really we didn't click sexually. Then, before being with DP, I had two flings (when I was single, not cheating) with women, who were fun, we clicked sexually. Now, I'm with DP, and we get on so well, sex is great, we're at similar places in our lives, but there is the thought that if it wasn't for her, I would have met someone else.
OP posts:
tadpoles · 02/02/2011 11:40

Or - another thought to deal with your very serious problem - you could dump your girlfriend and start dating your students. Or, you could secretly date the students, and keep the girlfriend.

So many options!

JustForThisOne · 02/02/2011 11:44

at my uny every tutor had affairs with student
nothing new under the sun
everybody knew who they were

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/02/2011 11:51

So this is more a relationship problem? You're concerned that your attraction to other women 'means' something? Well, only you can know that . All I'm saying is that finding other people sexually attractive doesn't really mean anything, except that you have eyes. If it's making you question your partnership, then perhaps it needs questioning?

MrsWentworth · 02/02/2011 11:54

"there is the thought that if it wasn't for her, I would have met someone else"

GuiltyMan, this is your real problem. Not the fact that you lust after students in crop tops.

Obviously most of us end up settling for one person (for a time, at any rate) - and that means that we cut off our options of meeting "someone else". But we do it willingly and knowingly (or we do it because we are so utterly besotted that the idea of ever being interested in anyone else is frankly laughable).

But if you are already thinking along the lines of: if it wasn't for her, I'd have met someone else, I'm afraid that it means that your DP is not right for you. If that is the case, you need to tell her sooner rather than later. I don't envy you, but you need to be quite sure that she's the one you really want before you do anything like have children with her.

It sounds to me as if you'd quite like a bit more 'fling time' before settling down with The One. Nothing wrong with that! (So long as you don't go for students as flings. Students cannot keep secrets. Be warned!)

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/02/2011 11:56

Oh yes, don't mess with the students. A bad idea on just about every level.

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 12:00

I certainly don't want any flings with students, I'm very happy with DP. What I'm saying is almost on a logical level, crikey, I'm potentially attracted to other people (on a superficial appearance level). I'm not attracted to anyone else that I actually know (i.e. through conversation, intellect, sense of humour, etc)

It's banally true for all of us (I would have thought) that if it wasn't for our DPs, we would be with another DP. That's just pure statistics. It doesn't mean I think I would find anyone better.

OP posts:
tadpoles · 02/02/2011 12:08

Perhaps you could buy some restricted vision glasses, you know like cart-horses wear, so you won't be able to see more than one or two women at once?

Or, another suggestion, get glasses even though you don't need them and then everything will be a blur, including the gorgeous female students.

Then again, maybe have a chat with the university admissions people and make sure that they enrol far more men than women. Or just very ugly women or lesbians (but I guess even if there were lesbians you would still look, so that would still be a huge problem).

I know - get a job where there are only men - maybe on an oil rig, or in a strictly Muslim country where women have to be covered up from head to toe.

tadpoles · 02/02/2011 12:09

Or - you could ask the women to keep out of your way when you walk around the campus, so you are not tempted to look??!

Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2011 12:11

Well yes... you might well have met somebody else. Fortunately you met this one who is really nice. If it ever doesn't work out between you it isn't the end of the world, because there are other women out there who you might well get on with. The fact that there are other attractive women in the world seems to have come as a complete shock to you. Some of them may even be more attractive - to the eye, at least - than your DP. It's irrelevant, though. They're just... background. Your relationship with DP is special because of the things you share, which is why IMO it is important to keep certain things exclusive to your partner. She isn't just anyone walking past; she's the person you share your life with.

I have a small neat car which suits my purposes exactly. I might go "phwoar" at a Ferrari driving past but I wouldn't want it parked on my driveway, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to pay the insurance or fuel costs. Life is not a competition about who can grab the shiniest car or, for that matter, girlfriend. It's about what we're happy with.

MrsWentworth · 02/02/2011 12:13

In that case, guiltyman, I'm confused. If you are wholly in love with/committed to your partner, you would still notice hordes of attractive girls (it might be odd if you didn't), but you wouldn't give them a second thought. But it's enough of a problem for you to be posting it on here - which means there's more to it than you just idly thinking "phwoarrr" when you have to pass several gorgeous girls en route to the shop.

Still sounds like a relationship problem to me. Sorry.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 12:20

I have a sister who works in HE. She is well over forty, married and lusts after male students all the day long!

The phenomenon is not limited to men, OP. It's a perk of the job. If you seriously doubt your ability to keep your lust to yourself, you do have a problem and it's unrelated to your working environment.

Do you see women as objects?

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 12:27

Grace, I'm a pretty liberated feminist, and I don't view women as objects, so I guess I'll be ok

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/02/2011 12:34

It sounds to me like you haven't had as much time free from a committed relationship as you would like. And, to be honest, it sounds like despite your feelings for your DP, you are at some level thinking "could do better". You don't have to confirm that, but I've been there and do understand. At the time I thought that it was ok, I loved my boyfriend and fancied him etc and the fact that I was thinking hmmm, but I do sort of regret that I'll never be with that gorgeous man with the curly hair (or whatever) was fine. But, having broken up with him, I now feel that those feelings were worth listening to, and probably quite different from what you should feel if you're in a relationship for the long haul. My friend, who is wiser than any 28 year old geek has a right to be, told me that when he met his wife and got to know her, all those kinds of thoughts just faded away. It wasn't hard to think about "giving up" the possibility of being with other people, it was easy, because she was all he wanted.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 12:37

:)

MrsWentworth · 02/02/2011 12:39

Well said, elephants. Smile. I have been there too!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/02/2011 12:44

Elephants has it nailed.

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 12:48

Elephants, I'll take that on board. I'm not sure I entirely agree, it could be I'm just not fit for monogamy. I have a theory that when I was single, I was on the "look out", and now I'm with DP, I still haven't turned that part of my brain off.

Still, I'm listening though and not ignoring you.

OP posts:
batman47555 · 02/02/2011 13:09

sounds to me as if you want a student to come on to you, and you are collecting excuses for not doing the right thing and rejecting their advances!!! with the position of trust you hold

MrSpoc · 02/02/2011 13:58

I dont see your problem, so what you are surrounded by hot 21/22 year old girls. Just try not to stare too long wink wink,.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 14:03

So what you are saying is that you see many attractive young people and have no intention of behaving inappropriately or abusing your position or in any way betraying your partner.

I don't see the problem.

You sound like a decent man who happens to have bloody eyes, for heaven's sake Grin

You are overthinking this. Give yourself a break.

It's not a crime to register that someone is attractive. It is not in itself any form of betrayal. Don't worry about it.

HelenaRose · 02/02/2011 14:33

Sounds like you - like students who fancy lecturers - are indulging in a bit of fantasy. Just remember that they're not dressing to impress you (seriously, we're not) and try to work out if you want to stay with your partner, or whether you're just 'settling' for her.

I perv on a few fellow students - and the odd lecturer - but the difference is I am not tempted to leave my partner. That part of my brain has been switched off; I'm contented being with him.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 02/02/2011 14:45

Two words... Self Control.

It's why none obese people can, for example, be presented with an "all you can eat Chinese Buffet"; but only eat what they need; and not revisit ad infinitum.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2011 15:07

Todays prize for most pointless thread goes to....

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