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Original poster

Help me, I lust after students all the time

89 replies

GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 09:51

I?m not a troll, and this is a serious problem. I work at a university, and I have a problem. I?m surrounded by young attractive women all day long. I?m 29, and I?m no heavy breathing pervert. Some girls look very young straight out of school and aren't an issue, but a great many are masters students, 21,22, and I find it all so distracting. I don?t want to be that walking cliché you read about, and one hand I?m assured it?s fairly natural. I don?t want DP to know about this. What can I do here, other than change jobs?

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 10:22

GuiltyMan...who gives a crap what they wear? They can wear what they want...if you've a problem with your "urges" then go and work with the elderly.

Toadinthehole · 02/02/2011 10:23

Guiltyman,

I suspect you're making a category error here. If you're flirting with your students and leering down their cleavages, you will be seen as the stereotypical lech.

If you aren't, you won't.

And if, as you say, the students concerned are not ones with whom you have no contact, then frankly I doubt they'd even notice a passing glance from you. They probably don't even remember you.

Sounds as if there's no problem - as long as you find your DW attractive.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 10:25

He sounds like he's here for a jolly Toad...there's no "problem" here...just his repeated assertions about how attractive his students are....the point is...so what? He's not said what the actual trouble is!

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 10:29

Sheeplikessleep, that's really interesting, and a bit worrying

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 02/02/2011 10:29

Wimple,

Perhaps you're right.

He's making me very jealous. That is what he should feel guilty about.

melezka · 02/02/2011 10:30

I think it's good that you are noticing an entirely unacceptable noticing. But when you go round the supermarket, do you look at stuff that you don't intend to buy? No, you get to a state where you just don't "see" it, and then you don't put it in the trolley, or in the case of this analogy, even worry about having to think about whether you might want at some future time to put it in your trolley.

The thing is, if you're still noticing these women (and I suspect you know this, and it's why you don't want to tell DP) is that you're not entirely convinced it's inappropriate for you to be noticing them. Somewhere in your mind, it's allowable. But they are not women you are meeting in a pub, they are not friends in the normal way of things, they are students. If you don't truly "get" this, maybe you shouldn't work in a university. I know young women who feel their lives have been ruined by inappropriate attention: and I know men who feel they have made the worst mistakes of their lives in your situation. I would advise you not to join them. Withdraw the attention.

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 10:31

Wimple, the problem is the feelings of guilt of noticing so many attractive young women on a daily basis, who I'm not trying it on with, just pass on campus. When I worked in a normal office environment, I might see a few attractive women daily. Here, it's many more. I still find DP attractive. I just feel guilty about it.

By the way, I do know a lot of older divorced academic (re the link). Actually quite worrying.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 02/02/2011 10:32

wank furiously and privately.

rodformyownback · 02/02/2011 10:34

I think the trouble is that the OP feels like he's cheating on his partner with his eyes!

OP, give yourself a break. Surely your feelings are totally normal! A man in his late twenties lusting after women in their early twenties hardly counts as an old perv!

On a profoundly unhelpful note, I massively fancied several of my lecturers at uni. I would have loved it if I thought they fancied me Blush

tinkertitonk · 02/02/2011 10:49

From the OP: "...this is a serious problem." No it isn't. At your age it would be a problem if you didn't notice these young women.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/02/2011 10:50

Oh my god sheeplikessleep's link is the biggest pile of bollocksed pseudo-science I have ever read. Don't worry your head about it OP.

Listen, if you find your students attractive it's not wrong, it's normal. I'm in my twenties and find beautiful people in their twenties attractive too. What would be wrong would be to do anything about it, or to just exude those creepy perv-rays that will make these women feel uncomfortable.

As a general rule, though, I find that dwelling on other people's charms when you're in a relationship, is far more about the relationship than the other people. IME it's when I start to find other people very attractive (to the point of thinking about it when not with them, as you are presumably if you're starting a thread on it) either mentally or physically, that I know that my relationship is in trouble.

How long have you been with your partner? Are you happy? Do you have kids?

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 10:51

Ok, it was wrong of me to call this a serious problem, it's a minor problem that affects me when I go to get a coffee, or go to the shop.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 10:55

ElephantandMiasma,

I've been with DP about a year, things are going really well. I fancy her, I love her. WE don't have children

OP posts:
jenny60 · 02/02/2011 10:57

Jesus christ, if I had this 'problem' every time I 'got a coffee' or went to the shop at my university I would be worried about myself. No, you should not be lusting after these women; it's not normal because they are STUDENTS, there is a power relationship involved so stop. It's inappropriate and it's wrong. Who can't go about their normal day without being distracted by attractive people to the point that they need to ask advice about it? I think you;re making this is.
If you're not: stop it. I say this as an academic and as a former student who suffered from sexual harrassment at the hands of my tutors.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/02/2011 11:01

So, you notice attractive women? Because you are heterosexual and have eyes? This isn't a problem. If you start leering/flirting/attempting contact, then it's a problem. Noticing attractive people is just...human. Your DP is not walking about wearing blinkers. She probably sees attractive men during her day that make her pulse race a bit

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 11:04

I think my problem is more then, that I'm worrying about it, rather than the it itself. (I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with those that think I may be a sexual harasser in the making)

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/02/2011 11:07

Then stop worrying about it. Your anxiety about a normal response to an attractive person is making it a huge deal. Just shrug it off, and you'll probably find that it stops registering so much. Are you freaking out because you somehow think that finding other women attractive means that your DP isn't enough for you or something? Because I am very much in love with DH, and find him wildly attractive, but still notice other men. I'm in a committed relationship, I'm not dead.

vinvinoveritas · 02/02/2011 11:09

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/02/2011 11:10

Well, in that case just chill out about it. Young beautiful people are attractive, and you can't avoid them, so unless you want to start enforcing burkas on campus you'll just have to accept the degree of guilt that this brings you.

BTW that link is total crap, please don't dwell on it. All it's saying is that male American lecturers (and secondary school teachers, yum) have a disproportionately high divorce rate. If you are an academic I would have thought you would notice that it doesn't look at cause and effect, doesn't even mention in that article how much more likely that group is to divorce, doesn't get into why the divorces were initiated or by whom, etc.

It is a study based on an entirely laughable series of assumptions, not least that men are more affected by youth and beauty than women are.

I could take the same data and write a report claiming that lecturers are more likely to marry unfaithful women (leading to higher divorce rates, suspicion and thus later remarriage).

vinvinoveritas · 02/02/2011 11:14

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
GuiltyMan · 02/02/2011 11:16

To be honest, I think the divorce rate among academics is more to do with the work load than anything.

There's no chance of me coming onto any of the women here, I just need to relax a little more about it.

OP posts:
tinkertitonk · 02/02/2011 11:20

Jenny60, you write "...should not be lusting... inappropriate and wrong...". No. What goes on in someone's mind is fine, the world of 1984 has not yet become reality. Deeds matter, of course: the OP needs to keep his thoughts to himself but not to be ashamed of them.

vinvinoveritas · 02/02/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KaraStarbuckThrace · 02/02/2011 11:27

It is fine to appreciate beautiful woman, as long as you keep it to yourself, and are not acting on it.
How can you appreciate your beautiful DP if you shut yourself off to the beauty in others?

I think you are worrying too much.

It is fine to look at other women, it is just not acceptable to leer or lech over them, or otherwise make them feel uncomfortable.

Thingumy · 02/02/2011 11:30

Seeing an attractive person and acknowledging that in your mind isn't a crime or being unfaithful or a pervert.

Why do you find this so guilt inducing OP?

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