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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

masturbation worries

100 replies

Randomperson · 01/02/2011 19:17

We don't live together, but spend many nights together. However, we only seem to have sex at the weekends, as my partner says he's always tired (accept on the odd occassion). They work long hours in a factory, so this is more then understandable. What I can't get my head around however, and am rather upset about is that they masturbate on the nights I don't stay, despite being to tired when I stay (unless it's the weekend).

I know this sounds ridiculas, and I honestly hate myself for feeling the way I do. I mean, I understand that what a person does with their genitles in their own time is their own business. But, I have long suffered with self esteem issues, and really feel upset that he feels too tired to sleep with me, yet when I'm not there isn't to tired to masturbate.

I find myself becoming sad over this, to the point I can't bare to be in the company of my partner with out seeming off. I hate the fact this bothers me, and for the life of me wish it didn't. But no matter how much I say to myself it's not a problem and to get over it, I can't.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 01/02/2011 21:22

I used to do it at work. Dh wasn't always available and I would have been a cow all afternoon if I hadn't.

Mymblesson · 01/02/2011 21:24

Why is it so wrong to have a different opinion ??

Nothing at all, Sariah, if it's a joimt decision.

Personally I reckon he's cracking one out over www.amishchicks.com

Alouiseg · 01/02/2011 21:25

Haha!

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 21:26

sariah...what do you tell your babies when they touch themselves ?

that they must save it for their spouse ?

that is a serious question, btw

Sariah · 01/02/2011 21:27

Sorry Mymblesson gave up the porn too so can't look at your link.

Malificence · 01/02/2011 21:27

Sariah, my DH doesn't masturbate either, he would never suggest that I have have to save myself for him though, fwiw, my indulgent behaviour always includes thoughts of him.
Solo orgasms are basically about stress relief.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 21:28

actually, never mind, saraih

this is in no way helping the OP so I'm outta here

Sariah · 01/02/2011 21:32

A baby playing with his willy is not the same as masturbating so I am not sure what you are getting at there. What my 17 year old does with his penis is his own business and not something I really care to know too much about. Not really sure what my kids have to do with my sexual choices though????

ItsGraceAgain · 01/02/2011 23:10

Back to you, RP. Thanks for answering my question. I asked because I used to feel like that, although I worked hard not to. I didn't manage to completely change my attitude until I started doing all this therapy. In my case, it came from my mother.

She felt insecure about Dad doing it by himself. My dad went to great lengths to keep Mum always on the back foot, always afraid he would leave her for someone else, etc. Her fears became extended to this idea that, if he masturbated, it meant he preferred it to having sex with her (he encouraged this belief.) Dad's been dead for over a decade now; Mum and I have discussed this stuff. Obviously, nobody blatantly said as much to me as a child, but kids catch on to a lot of thoughts & feelings from their parents and I'm now sure I 'caught' this insecurity from Mum.

It strikes me as possible that you, too, might have 'caught' the idea from some of the adults in your early life. I'm not suggesting you enter intensive therapy over this or even that you talk to your mum about it! Quite often, just thinking things like this through for yourself can resolve the issue. I hope this has been some kind of a clue for you, and I hope you find your worries melt away :)

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 23:13

I really hope this thread has reassured you, RP

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 13:19

You guys have been helpful, and I think you're right, it's something I just need to try and assure myself of.

I just felt meh that he'd choose a wank on Wednesday over sex with me on the Tuesday say.

I do see your point though, maybe it is just easier to have a tug then sex. I can't pretend that this doesn't still upset me, but I love my other half so much and need to deal with it.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I need a reality check from time to time :-)

OP posts:
batman47555 · 03/02/2011 13:48

personally i'd rather have more sex than tugs
but!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 13:52

Butt?

OP posts:
tinkertitonk · 03/02/2011 14:05

OP, let him play with himself, there are worse crimes.

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 14:17

I know.

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 14:25

If DW is tired she has no worries about me self pleasuring Blush sometimes, she'll go, "shall I do that for you"?; it's sometimes a bit Envy when she goes - after I've finished "can you pass me..." and asks for whichever toy. I'd have loved to help her use the toy :)

And I only get one go :(

exDW used sex as a weapon, and I went often months, once a year + with no sex. I got "caught" masturbating in the shower once [basically she barged in] and gave me the whole disgust/self-control thing.

Later in the marriage, I had an affair, and I left exDW.

If he's tired, and you don't feel like helping, let him enjoy his quick tug. As a young man, it was often the only way I could get to sleep! It really isn't about him not wanting you!

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 14:56

it isn't the fact he masturbates. I can cope with that and if he had sex with me and masturbated the days we weren't together that would be fine. I just felt down because I was being rejected on the nights I was there, and he would wank the nights I weren't there. As pointed out here though, I'm beating myself up for nothing it seems. Maybe spme therapy to help with my self esteem.

OP posts:
kepler10b · 03/02/2011 15:10

oh for goodness sake. why don't you have a go yourself. me and oh both enjoy a bit of self love now and then. and mutual. and full on shagging.

if he was saying he'd rather have a wank than ever have sex with you that would be different.

btw - have you checked he always thinks of you when he comes?

Malificence · 03/02/2011 15:32

Op, you are making a huge problem out of nothing at all really and it's not good for your emotional health or the future of your relationship.
He isn't rejecting you on the nights he doesn't fancy sex, he is probably, in his eyes, being very considerate, in that he doesn't want you to put up with sub-standard, half hearted sex due to tiredness on his part, my DH gets up v. early in the week for work and isn't up for sex on a "school night" as he puts it - he would rather save his energy for the weekend, he prefers quality over quantity, and I can understand his POV, although if I was desperate he would probably oblige, he doesn't mind the odd quickie.

Him masturbating on the nights you aren't there aren't relevant to you or the relationship at all, as people have said, it takes little effort and it's a good way to induce sleep.

You do need to stop obsessing over this, if you are having great sex when he's not working then that's all that matters.

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 15:57

An interesting outlook Malificence. And yes I do need to stop stressing over this, as I stated in my original post.

Kepler, I too enjoy the odd solo session, but never would I opt for a solo act over being with my partner. But it isn't about the physical side, as I have said.And I have asked about what he thinks about when he comes, to which he says me. Realisticly I don't know how true this is simply because there aren't many men who would be brave enough openly admitt to their partners to wanking over other people. I just have to take his word for it.

I thank you all for your input. Unfortunantly you've all confirmed what I thought, that I am indeed caught up over nothing. I should count myself lucky (on a pure physical basis) I have good weekend sex, and should just reside myself to going with out Monday-Thursday.

In regards to feeling rejected, many of you have indicated it's silly to feel this way (which I already knew). This however has given me the confidence to go away and try to sort this problem out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 15:58

Thank you MN community :-)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 16:05

Gosh, i wouldn't ask ask who my DH was thinking of when he "gets there"

he might say Kerry Katona or Louis Spence or summat Shock

and then I would have to divorce him Wink

batman47555 · 03/02/2011 16:09

mmmmmmm JO BRAND

Malificence · 03/02/2011 16:14

"he might say Kerry Katona or Louis Spence or summat"

God you've put me right off my tea now.

Original poster
Randomperson · 03/02/2011 16:25

God he once did admitt to having a soft spot for Kerry in her days as a Mcfadden!

How I like to tease him about it now!

OP posts:
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