Inequality of finances driving me mad!

[recklesswoman]

I have had about as much as I can take of this, getting angry now..

Basically, we're skint. No DC yet but we've discussed in next few years TTC. I work long hours to earn as much as I can, doing a job I hate, whilst retraining to be able to get a better one.

DH is useless with money. Runs out of cash around 3 days after payday. He gets paid monthly, I get paid weekly. Which leaves me desperately trying to scrimp enough cash to get us through the rest of the month.

Resulting in - me paying for EVERYTHING. I can't afford to save or spend ANY money on myself. He has actually just cut his working hours by an hour each day, because; "there are more interesting things I'd rather be doing". Mainly playing computer games and napping.

I don't think he should earn more than me just because he's the man in the relationship, but I do expect him to be able to at least support himself.

Am I insane for hoping that this will change? I only have a few years left before we start a family, and I want to be able to enjoy spending my money on myself before that time comes.
Also, terrified at the thought of having to support an entire family with him yet again not pulling his weight. At the moment there are times when affording food is a struggle, I don't want my children to grow up in that situation.

He's also hugely in debt and thinks it's fine to bury head in sand rather than sort this out.

Anyone got any insight? I love him dearly but I'm so miserable and stressed by all this, and sick of being skint in order to maintain the lifestyle of another adult.

"Am I insane for hoping that this will change? I only have a few years left before we start a family"

yes you are insane hoping it will change without you actually doing anything to change it.

you need to have a conversation with him in which you say "this isn't working for me, we need to find a solution" and you must put all plans for TTC on hold until this is sorted and he is reliably budgetting and has changed his ways. he sounds liek a teenager. dont have children with a teenager.

Wow. Don't have kids with this guy.

How does he manage to run out of money so soon after payday? What is he spending it on?

I think it would be crazy to start a family before sorting out these financial issues.

Does he earn more than you? YOu say he runs out of money quickly but does he earn more than you? Do you have a mortgage? Pay rent? Do you have a joint account?

How come you are maintaining his lifestyle? WHat does that involve?

Sorry, 20 questions...

I think people don't often change.

I would ask myself these questions:

do I write off being a sahm?

in a few years' time, will I be earning enough to support a child and enough for dh to be a sahd?

do I want to work ft? can I afford not to?

is dh capable of being a sahd, would he do it, would he hate it?

if we both work, will one us earn enough to cover childcare?

As he is your dh, his debt is effectively yours (legallY), so if you split, you may end up liable for his spending. Also his credit score has an effect on yours.

Wow, thanks for the quick responses!

We have spoken about it but there doesn't seem to have been much of an impact. I think he's pretty comfortable in this cosy little situation, apart from the nagging harridan wife he has things pretty sweet.

No mortgage, we rent. Credit rating is terrible.
I earn slightly more than him because I work linger hours, which I had to beg for, just to keep on top of bills etc. We're both on min wage (hence why I am retraining), he finishes work mid afternoon so plenty of time to earn more. He could get another job but is really happy where he is.

I don't know what to do. I love him and he'd be a fantastic dad but I resent being his financial safety net. Feel like I am stupidly ignoring red flags.

To answer the question of where his money goes, it just generally gets frittered away. He lives the high life for a few days then runs out and it's up to me again.

The trouble is; he's great in so many other ways. It's just in this one area I feel like I'm being taken for a ride.

Does he at least go halves with you on the rent? Please say he does!

Doesn't sound like your marriage is much of a partnership tbh. Frankly he sounds like a bit of a waster.

He doesn't spunk all his money on weed or computer games or anything similarly juvenile does he?

"I love him and he'd be a fantastic dad"

no he really wouldn't. he'd leave it all up to you just the same as he has left all financial obligations up to you. this man does not want responsibility and it wont change when you get pregnant or have a baby with him. he will say he wants it, but in reality he wont actually be aware of what being a dad entails. why? because so far you have ben carrying him, he has had no need to wake up and see what it is liek to actually be a responsible adult who takes care of his own business. you have been wiping his arse and no matter how much he says he wants to be a dad, he doesn't, he wants the idea of it but the reality will fall to you.

Why should you have to contribute more than him.

Get this sorted out now before starting a family or it will all go pear shaped in no time.

Assuming you have a joint account, stop your money going into it. If you dont have a joint account, then open one, work out how much you need each month for rent and utility bills. Divide that by half and that is the amount you pay each every month into that account.

Refuse to sub him, bail him out, or support him and make him bloody grow up and face his responsibilities.

Yes we go halves on rent & bills.
Yes money is spunked away on weed.

Obviously talking nicely about this has not worked. Any suggestions as to how exactly I can kick him up the arse? OFBS you're right, I have been carrying him and enabling all this, in an effort to avoid arguments.

Good idea with the joint account actually

you need to tell him straight, it isn't happening anymore. stop subbing him. pay your half of everything and when he runs out, that is his problem. make him stump up his half of everything for the whole month on payday so whatever he has left is his to spend as he wishes but at least you know the bills will be paid.

Well if he is frittering away his spare cash on what he wants, then thats not too bad, if he is paying an equal share of the bills.

So, what are you paying for that he isnt contributing to? the food by the sounds of it.

Dont shop. At the moment he KNOWS you are the more sensible one financially, and he KNOWS he wont starve, because YOU are ensuring he doesnt. YOU are keeping his head above water, and he is being too lazy to pull his weight.

A pp id you are liable for his debts but as far as I'm aware, this isn't true unless the debts are in both of your names (ie a joint loan).

If you get a joint account then you will be linked to him financially and his bad credit will affect you.

I got this info from moneysavingexpert forum and suggest you pop over there for some advice.

As to your op I really doubt he's going to change. I know someone who went bankrupt because of overspending. When it was over she inherited some money and spent it all. She will never change.

A pp said, not pp id.

I agree with IFBS he won't be a great dad. He can't do responsibility when it's just the two of you, he's hardly likely to step up when things get tougher.

And rather than getting another job b/c he has spare time, he'd rather bugger around doing nothing except smoking weed. That doesn't make for being a great dad.

My XH was rubbish with money. For all the 22 years we were together. And still the same in the 7 years since divorce, he still asks me for loans, I still say no - dunno when he'll get the msg but he didn't change re money no matter what we tried.

I agree with the others about a joint a/c for joint spending and then he can do what he likes with the rest, when he runs out - tough. If he would dip into your joint a/c for his own spending - he really isn't dad material.

And just to add to the fray, if he is spending on weed then his contribution sperm-wise is also going to be unreliable

On the plus side he is working and he is contributing to rent and bills but the debts and the rest of it don't sound very good.

If I were you I would be very specific (e.g. I want you to contribute £100 a month towards food and £50 towards petrol) and see what he says. I would also see if you can get him to cut up any credit cards so that he doesn't make the debt situation worse.

Do not bring children into this under any circumstances. He would not be a fantastic dad, just as he is not being a good H to you now. His wages are spent after 3 days'; what are you doing with him?.

Be honest with yourself here, what are you getting out of this relationship now?

He is a complete waster and will not change; infact he could well turn around and say in an argument, "well you knew what I was like". This is code for I will not grow up, I will not accept any responsibility and I will not change.

Get out whilst you are still able to do so. He is quite happy to drag you down with him and all you have done to date also is enable him. Not a good combination.

I'd do a spreadsheet with all your monthly outgoings on it. Work out half each (or proportion it according to salaries if he earns less than you - or maybe not if he only earns less than you because he dropped his hours to do more laying about!)
Go through it with him, explain that on payday every month you will each put this amount of money into the joint account (or if you dont want to get a joint account then get him to do a standing order to your account for the amount each month so you can make sure the bills get paid)
Then whatever you each have left over is your own to spend. If he runs out of money DONT SUB HIM and hopefull it will be the kick up the bum he needs to be a bit better with his money!

Even if you did have children with this man, how are you going to be able to afford them .. on the wage he's on I assume you won't be able to afford being a SAHM and on minimum wage (even with any benefits you'd qualify for) won't childcare just take all your money? He doesn't sound a great catch frankly, I'd be very wary of putting all your hopes on this guy. You obviously have a lot of respect for him, but it sounds like he has none for you.

Get out now whilst you've still got time.

You are wasting your life with this idiot. You should be enjoying life before children - once DC's arrive you'll look back and regret not having a carefree time in your 20/30's.

How can you tell that he'd be a great father? Sounds like a spoilt kid to me.

He's putting the weed before you, yor relationship, and your future. For goodness sake kick him to the curb. This is why it winds me up so much when people say there's nothng wrong with a bit of weed. There clearly is to have zapped a man in his prime of any kind of drive. And don't even get me started on the mental health issues you're going to have to deal with in the future. Cut your losses, and whatever you do, don't think having children will change him. It won't.

He spends all his money on drugs and hopes someone else will provide the necessities. And you think he'll be a great dad

Sounds a lot like my DP. The warning signs were all there but I wasn't living with him when I got pg and I was probably a bit immature and hadn't thought through what it would be like spending the rest of my life with someone who's rubbish with money.

Fast forward several years: we've nearly split up because of money several times. It's a recurring argument. I still feel endlessly frustrated and angry that I pay for everything and even though he's working he still never seems to have money for basics let alone big stuff.

I don't know what I'd advise really other than to think very hard before having children with someone who you don't think will be able to support them. It puts a lot of pressure on you to be the responsible one all the time and it can lead to a bit of an unequal dynamic.