Inequality of finances driving me mad!

[recklesswoman]

I have had about as much as I can take of this, getting angry now..

Basically, we're skint. No DC yet but we've discussed in next few years TTC. I work long hours to earn as much as I can, doing a job I hate, whilst retraining to be able to get a better one.

DH is useless with money. Runs out of cash around 3 days after payday. He gets paid monthly, I get paid weekly. Which leaves me desperately trying to scrimp enough cash to get us through the rest of the month.

Resulting in - me paying for EVERYTHING. I can't afford to save or spend ANY money on myself. He has actually just cut his working hours by an hour each day, because; "there are more interesting things I'd rather be doing". Mainly playing computer games and napping.

I don't think he should earn more than me just because he's the man in the relationship, but I do expect him to be able to at least support himself.

Am I insane for hoping that this will change? I only have a few years left before we start a family, and I want to be able to enjoy spending my money on myself before that time comes.
Also, terrified at the thought of having to support an entire family with him yet again not pulling his weight. At the moment there are times when affording food is a struggle, I don't want my children to grow up in that situation.

He's also hugely in debt and thinks it's fine to bury head in sand rather than sort this out.

Anyone got any insight? I love him dearly but I'm so miserable and stressed by all this, and sick of being skint in order to maintain the lifestyle of another adult.

The thing is, he doesn't seem to care much about your welfare, does he? It's one thing not being great about money, but for me it's worse that he doesn't care that you are exhausted and stressed, trying to keep on top of bills. He cares a lot more about himself than about you. That's not the person to have dcs with (take it from someone who made that mistake!)

WEED ? Run for the hills, you can do so much better, everyone i know who smoked regularly in their 20's still has a min wage job doing 35 ish hours so not to interrupt their smoking time and basically acts like a teenager at 40 with a family where the wife does everything.

Are you with him because you love him or because you have a shared history and you have invested a huge amount into this relationship and you are worried that if you cut your losses you won't be able to have dcs?

Someone who is lazy and cuts his hours to smoke weed and play games whilst expecting someone else to sub him is not a good DH or a good dad. He sounds like he will be one of those dads who go out for nappys and come back 2 days later empty handed.

Loads of people would like to cut their hours to do something more interesting but they don't because they are playing a long game because they are not toddlers anymore.

I share the feelings with the posters who are telling you to bail out. I actually put my foot down about the weed when we had dc, but now he has just replaced it with more drink, which he blames on me because I stopped him smoking! Although he has been ok financially, (mamatomany I know lots of weed smokers who earn plenty, and drinkers, but I know both can cause problems), still the overall responsible behaviour and equal partnership as parents is not there.

I also know that I could never have left him at that stage before dc, he was the man for me and he would change his view to mine, surely? I was desperate to have dc with him and for him to see how happy he could be as a dad.

Now 11 years on (from dd's birth) I really don't want to be with him any more, but I can't say I regret having my dc! Just wish they had a better dad. Such a dilemma, I feel for you.

A close friend of mine had a dh like yours (not a weed smoker but a lackadaisical musician/artist) who was happy to be a SAH dad while she worked about 60 hours a week to make ends meet. This was fine whilst childcare was needed, but he still wouldn't get a job after the dc started school. They have now split very unamicably and are having a legal fight over money/property.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Hi recklesswoman, just seen this and wanted to add my tuppence worth.

I was in a very similar relationship for 10 years hoping against hope ex DP would become less selfish and more responsible.

He was also a regular Cannabis user and had the motivation of a sloth. I used to tie myself into complete knots trying to figure out how to get him to contribute fairly to the cost of the household (and especially food)

Eventually I found mumsnet and the advice I received here helped me to see that I was fighting a losing battle.

I have been on my own now since the beginning of December and even though it was hard for the first few weeks, can now honestly say ending the relationship was the right thing for me.

The relief of no longer having to (literally) drag the ex P through life with me, the frustrations his selfishness created have stopped completely and it's nice to be able to re-discover what I want out of life.

Wishing you the strenght to do what is right for you :)

Glad you showed up Bibi - I was wondering whether I should link to your threads!
Very similar sounding situations!

Yes, it was quite interesting reading for me Katisha.

Especially since I now get to breathe a big sigh of relief that I found the strength to stop banging my head against that particular brick wall :)

Thank god I found MN!!

Sorry, I think this 'dude' thinks he's got a cushy number and it's unlikely he'll change.

No matter how charming and lovely the DP is, reducing work to indulge in cannabis use and expecting someone else support you while doing it is giant red flag.

I had two relationships with such 'slackers' in the past, and now I feel I wasted my time with them. One of them moved back to his mum and is still there 12 years later!

I don't think I was rude or abusive. But I don't really have a fluffy approach to these things. Also, people tend not to hear fluffy advice.

Gay40 I totally agree with you - as I said earlier. Also agree about giving "fluffy" advice - what good is that when someone's clearly looking for a kick up the arse!

Gay is right sorry. If you wanted fluffy, "he'll make a great dad" lies advice, wrong forum.

He'll end up in debt, won't provide for his kids as it'll go on weed and he'll be bummed out all w/end not wanting to do family things with his future kids.

Leave him and be very greatful you never had kids with him.

Imagine growing old with a lovely man who works hard and cares deeply for you and your family. He takes his responsibility to you and the children seriously and you have lots of fun along the way.

This could be your life if you have the guts (it's so hard) to leave your partner.

Good luck.

I can only agree with those who have posted saying leave. I too was in your situation.
he drank and smoked weed and was financially irresponsible.

I left because I was unable to carry the burden any longer. I did still love him and love is a funny thing because you cling and cling to the hope he will change, blaming yourself because you should do x y and z........

They cannot change and as long as you facilitate their lives why would they?

It will kill you slowly
Financially at 40 you will be a penniless single parent with DC going to a feckless weed smoking dad (and that's if you're lucky)

Leave and love yourself just that little bit more than him

Don't look back

Just leave