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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Inequality of finances driving me mad!

63 replies

recklesswoman · 01/02/2011 16:56

I have had about as much as I can take of this, getting angry now..

Basically, we're skint. No DC yet but we've discussed in next few years TTC. I work long hours to earn as much as I can, doing a job I hate, whilst retraining to be able to get a better one.

DH is useless with money. Runs out of cash around 3 days after payday. He gets paid monthly, I get paid weekly. Which leaves me desperately trying to scrimp enough cash to get us through the rest of the month.

Resulting in - me paying for EVERYTHING. I can't afford to save or spend ANY money on myself. He has actually just cut his working hours by an hour each day, because; "there are more interesting things I'd rather be doing". Mainly playing computer games and napping.

I don't think he should earn more than me just because he's the man in the relationship, but I do expect him to be able to at least support himself.

Am I insane for hoping that this will change? I only have a few years left before we start a family, and I want to be able to enjoy spending my money on myself before that time comes.
Also, terrified at the thought of having to support an entire family with him yet again not pulling his weight. At the moment there are times when affording food is a struggle, I don't want my children to grow up in that situation.

He's also hugely in debt and thinks it's fine to bury head in sand rather than sort this out.

Anyone got any insight? I love him dearly but I'm so miserable and stressed by all this, and sick of being skint in order to maintain the lifestyle of another adult.

OP posts:

lovemyalfa · 01/02/2011 19:07

Stop mothering him. He won't change if you keep bailing him out, why should he? Take all the other poster's advice and if you feel the need to stay with him at least have your own bank account and your own money and everything in your name so you can kick him out when you get pissed off with carrying him. I'm all for helping out each other in a relationship but this is so one-sided it is not a partnership but a mother / child setup.

madonnawhore · 01/02/2011 19:21

Wasteman.

TheVisitor · 01/02/2011 19:24

He's already stopped working so many hours so he can get stoned whilst playing on the computer etc. Won't be long before he packs in work and expects you to carry him. Get rid.

Gay40 · 01/02/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster

recklesswoman · 01/02/2011 19:34

Gay40 - there's a way to get your point across without being rude or abusive. Bear in mind that there is a real person with a real problem at the other end of the internet, who has asked for help.

Thanks everyone else for your honest and constructive advice.

OP posts:

tuggy · 01/02/2011 19:44

"he;d be a fantastic dad"

NO HE WOULDNT! He smokes weed, cuts his hours when he's in debt, and doesn't pay his way.

This is not a fantastic dad, I'm sorry but it's not. Even if he is great with kids and loves cuddles or whatever that does not outweigh these HUGE points.

Please don't breed with him.

atswimtwolengths · 01/02/2011 19:44

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I really think you need to get out of this relationship. He isn't going to change - no amount of spreadsheets or plans will change him.

He runs out of money three days after pay day so he drops the number of hours he works?

I think if you had a baby, he would stop work "to look after the baby" and you would come home to find he'd had his mates round and the baby hadn't had any attention at all.

And then, don't forget, if it annoys you and you want to leave, he'd be wanting custody and oh yes, maintenance.

I'm sure he's been a nice bloke to go out with and have a drink with, but he's just not up to it when it comes to a mature relationship. He wouldn't be a good dad, because he wouldn't have the money to feed the child or to pay the bills. Children can't live on thin air - a smile and a cuddle are all very well, but they really do need more than that.

You're obviously young enough to get out and start again. You will only regret it later if you stay with him.

GORGEOUSX · 01/02/2011 19:53

Clearly, you are a responsible and hardworking lady - you deserve a lot more than this.

He won't change. If you stay with him you'll always be scrimping and saving and he'll always be doing what he enjoys.

If you went ahead and had DC with him, I fear you would go off him pretty rapid!

I would say get rid of him - find a man who'll appreciate you and spoil you.

GORGEOUSX · 01/02/2011 19:56

Also, I think Gay40 is right.

HansieMom · 01/02/2011 20:37

You can do better. It wouldn't be hard to improve upon this fellow.What do your parents think of him? But for now, at least get money off him for his share through the month.

Maybe you could move home, pay your parents rent and for food, and be young for awhile. You could have some fun while you are young.

I really do wish you well, as you are trying to improve things. It would be easier without a yoke around your neck.

houseproject · 01/02/2011 20:58

I'm so glad you've raised the issue before you had children, you now have a chance to see if your DH can change. Sadly you can't do anything directly about it - you can suggest he needs to sort his life out but you can force him to make the changes and that's when the tough decision comes - if he can't/won't change what would you do?

I think a lot depends on your DH but from what you have said I would be pessimistic.
If he continues on this path your relationship will suffer - a big killer to love is resentful and if the inequality continues you will feel very resentful. being rubbish wih money really does have downsides in life - an example is that it's likely you would have to return to work early if you had a baby.
The weed is a big issue and likely to get worse, get him to sort it and put a timeframe on it.

Katisha · 01/02/2011 21:02

The weed is likely to be contributing to his general inertia surely?

RailwayChild · 01/02/2011 21:04

Oh love...... leave him
He may be a lovely man but Dads need to be more than this man is

Eurostar · 01/02/2011 23:10

Gay may be harsh but she is probably right.

Why do you think he will be a good Dad? Because he's a child so will play well with them?

It's time for you to examine why you let him get away with this. Stop looking after him.

panache · 02/02/2011 01:54

Please, please, please listen to the great advice you are being given, even if it seems a bit harsh at times.

Your DH sounds very similar to mine, but thankfully I do not have the weed to contend with. However I do have a DD to consider.

Your DH is basically a selfish individual who will always put his needs before yours. In a partnership there needs to be equality and he already seems to be taking you for a ride. This will only get worse once children arrive.

At the moment you are seeing everything through rose-tinted glasses; you have dreams and aspirations that you want to share with him; you are planning your future with him, but where is his involvement? Why does he feel it is ok to sponge off you?

I have a wonderful DD, but I often wonder what my life would be like if I had left my DH when the alarm bells started ringing. In my heart I still love him dearly, but each year this is eroded by his laziness and lack of motivation. You need to listen to your doubts and cut your losses before time runs away with you. I really do not think your DH is ready for the responsibility of being a husband let alone a father.

I would love more children, but I am the one working full time to support us. Juggling the finances, doing the housework and shopping, making most of the decisions and caring for our DD takes it's toll. It's draining to do all this and to keep trying to motivate someone who just wants to coast all the time.

Think about where you would like your life to be in the next 5 or 10 years. Can your DH help you fulfil your dreams? Will you be happy? Will you resent him and regret wasted years?

Do not sell yourself short. You deserve all you wish for. Believe it!

ninedragons · 02/02/2011 03:04

You are very lucky you have not yet had children with this man.

He is a useless parasitic pothead. He spends a month's money in THREE DAYS???

Move on; a sense of responsibility is the thing that makes someone a good parent. He wouldn't make a great dad. A great dad contributes to the family's financial stability so children don't have to grow up in fear of losing everything. A great dad respects his children's mother and doesn't sponge off her so he can get stoned and lie around on the sofa.

3littlefrogs · 02/02/2011 03:14

I know a man like this. He has 3 children. He has ruined their lives, and left his poor ex wife to pick up the pieces.

He continues to live his life as he pleases, taking no responsibility for anything.

RailwayChild · 02/02/2011 06:47

I think 3littlefrogs must know me!

WriterofDreams · 02/02/2011 08:14

I don't think a lot of people on MN would agree with me, but I think once you get married all money should be shared. He shouldn't be frittering away his money because technically it's not his, it belongs to the family and it should be going towards necessities and towards clearing debt in order to secure your future. DH and I have no separate money, we share all savings and income. Luckily we have the same attitude towards money so that works fine. You and your DH clearly have very very different attitudes towards money. Unless one of you (ie DH) changes dramatically it's going to be a constant source of conflict. If you're happy to have children knowing that, then go ahead, otherwise you need to have a serious talk with your husband and possibly help him to budget. If he can't change it might be worth considering whether the relationship is worth the effort.

Original poster

recklesswoman · 02/02/2011 08:28

Aarrgh! I knew you lot would tell me things I did not want to hear! But that's why I posted. Need a bit of honesty.
I'm off to work, thanks all for you opinions, I will have a proper read thus evening and decide what to do about this. :)

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 02/02/2011 08:34

It must be hard to hear all this advise to leave, I actually agree with everyone, but as you say you love him, I would give him one last chance to change. I would sit him down, with all outgoings etc for the year[including paying off debt] A spreadsheet is a great idea as it shows everything on one piece of paper. I would tell him you want to work money things out fairly, and he has to pay his share. Tell him how important it is to you that he changes. Give it 6 months, if nothing happens then leave him.

Have a Dsis in a very similar situation. Her husband is a lazy sod. She has worked her backside off, and everytime she earns more money, he decided to cut back on his hours! They have had terrible money problems, and have been bailed out by family more times than I care to remember. After 19 years in which she has worried herself sick about money, she has decided she's had enough. I wish she had come to this conclusion years ago.

fluffles · 02/02/2011 08:36

no, he's probably not going to change

some people are just like that with money and imo the only way for somebody who is prudent with money to live with somebody who isn't is for them to take all the responsiblity.

He would have to agree to transfer all the money you will both need for bills, food etc. into your account the day after payday so that he only has a small amount to 'fritter'.

If he agrees to this then MAYBE he's ready to accept the situation... but, i'd still be a bit worried... and of course it means you having to take on all the responsibility for bills etc.

warthog · 02/02/2011 09:46

well the very first thing i would do is stop subsidising him. tell him that you're sick of it so this month you won't be doing it. make him acknowledge you and remind him on pay day that that's what's happening and to not even bother asking.

then stick to it no matter what happens. that will be tough.

but i'm afraid i agree that under no circumstances should you bring children into this relationship while he is so irresponsible and smoking weed.

SexyDomesticatedDab · 02/02/2011 09:54

You will appear on Jeremy Vile show in a few years be warned.....

kepler10b · 02/02/2011 10:19

you've got a really unhealthy codependency thing going on there. the situation is not going to change whilst he is getting his needs met.

if you can't bear to end things straight out i'd suggest you stop cohabiting. close all joint accounts and keep your finances separate.

he is going to make our you are some nagging harpie but don't buy into that at all.

i would not want a weed smoking man with no ambition or drive to support his family for a dad, would you. you might love him as a partner but he is not meeting your needs so what makes you think he'll meet the needs of his children? he won't. he might be good at playing with kids but there is so much more to parenting than that. he is not good father material.

only you can take action on this. you can choose to keep ignoring it and then look back with regret in ten years time or you can move on to better things.

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