Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NSA internet "dating" is it right or wrong ?

94 replies

blondegirl1979 · 31/01/2011 19:36

This is my first post on here. I am after peoples thoughts/opinions really, I recently posted a NSA advert on a website, recieved about 70 replies. About 60 from married men, on my ad I said I didnt mind if they were single or not, but I was genuinely shocked about the number of married men replying to me, especially the number divulging info about their wives and kids, even attaching photos of themselves with wives.

I am not a nieve person, but am surprised at some of the lengthts men would go to for sex, and what they were willing to risk. For my own personal reasons I am not the most trusting, but this has fairly much trashed what little faith I had left in people.

Also, married men aside, why does there seem to be a stigma against meeting people in this way, even if noone is doing anything wrong, and are consenting adults ?

OP posts:
fortyplus · 15/02/2011 15:19

Dreamsamy there's nothing wrong at all if both your respective partners are fully aware of what's going on.

If not then it's lies and deceit - which most people would find wrong.

You and 'coffee lady' are doing nothing wrong to eachother, it's your partners who are the potential victims in the situation. If you've been open and honest then yes - you're being frightfully grown up about it all. Smile

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 15:20

Of course you're having an affair! You can use all the euphemisms you like, but you are being unfaithful to your wife and your lover is being unfaithful to her H. That is quite rightly, grounds for divorce. Who says it's wrong to have sex outside your relationships and deceive your partners? Well, I can't imagine they'd agree with you that this is just wonderful, delightful "fun". Perhaps you could tell them both what you are doing.

If it's not wrong, what's stopping you from telling your partners?

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 15:20

Somehow I don't think his partner knows...

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 15:22

Or hers.....

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 15:31

WhenwillI - are you sure it's the lack of sex that drives women into affairs? I thought the majority of women who stray do so more because their official partners are indifferent to them generally/lazy/unkind/treat them like household servants.

madonnawhore · 15/02/2011 15:34

Dreamsamy I'm sure you have some very interesting ideas about why it's ok for you and your co-cheater to enjoy some afternoon delight with impunity. And while I agree that discussions about fidelity and gender politics are useful and relevant, cutting to the chase this is about you being a liar and the woman you're cheating with being a liar.

When you tell your partner that you're 'just popping out to walk the dog' or you have a 'client meeting' or whatever, you are lying. You are deliberately decieving somebody you told it was ok to put their trust in you. That's simply not fair.

madonnawhore · 15/02/2011 15:36

And I'd also add that the reason you lie and don't shout up the stairs, "Just popping out for some no strings sex with a relative stranger, darling!", is because you know you are being bang out of order and wouldn't stand for the same treatment if it was the other way round.

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 15:44

To be fair, madonnawhore, there are relationships in which that would be considered ok, normal and even desirable. I really doubt that Dreamsamy is in one, though!

madonnawhore · 15/02/2011 15:49

Toby, what would be desirable? Being lied to on the regs while your partner screws someone else?

On what planet would that be desirable?

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 15:55

The telling the partner part. The shouting up the stairs "Just off out to shag someone else, darling!".

That's not lying. That's an open relationship (where both parties are doing the same with the same amount of honesty, of course).

Dreamsamy · 15/02/2011 16:13

No i dont shout upstairs that im going out, bu if i were in a position to do that im sure it would be more like "I'm going out for a shag with the neighbour, would you like to come and join in" ?
I'm sure some of you would like to be in that sort of situation. Any one want to come and join me and my lady for coffee. Please let me know if your interested.

madonnawhore · 15/02/2011 16:19

Toby that's what I mean. If everything's out in the open and all parties are ok with it then who the fuck am I to say what works for them? But if you're lying to your partner and cheating on them, you're denying them their choice by deceit.

Dreamsamy your post doesn't make sense. You don't tell your parnter you're sleeping with someone else? You're a lying cheat then. Simple as. Did you ever float the idea of an open relationship with your partner or did you just decide on your own to fuck her feelings and have your cake and eat it?

Dreamsamy · 15/02/2011 16:23

My idea, my life. getting back to the origine of this thread. I would be one to wish Blondegirl well and if she wants me she knows where i am.

madonnawhore · 15/02/2011 16:30

You sound selfish and horrible. Your poor partner. Why stay in a relationship if you want to fuck around?

It's pretty tacky of you to be trying to pick up women on here too. You're creepy and gross.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 16:39

I have found that these days, the justifications that women give themselves for their affairs are as varied (and similar) as their male counterparts' excuses, SGB. Some women claim the reasons you cite, just as some men claim that they are below the cat in the domestic pecking order. We've had lots of female posters on here who claim the "no sex" justification, just as men have always used the "my wife won't have sex with me" disclaimer.

Some of the worst delusions about affairs occur when the affair partners are both attached to other people. Very often, the female partner will say she is doing this because her H is abusive and unkind, but is quite happy for her lover to be abusive and unkind to some other woman, by having a deceitful affair. And the male affair partner who claims he is doing this because his wife doesn't adore and respect him, but is only too happy to hear his OW trashing her H to bits and implementing a sex ban at home.

People really should read the label on the tin....Wink

However, to broaden out what I think was an excellent point that you made SGB about the culture still being disapproving towards female sexuality, I believe that this culture blinds some women when they have affairs. Because they cannot give themselves permission to have sex without love, they convince themselves that they have fallen in love with their affair partner and hence, their marriage is doomed. It also leads them to sanction their desire for their partner to jettison his own wife and family, on the altar of "love".

Because men have been conditioned very differently and have been able to separate sex from love more easily, they don't have the same compulsion to fall in love with an OW and ditch their marriages and families.

It doesn't make logical sense that men are inherently more loveable than females and yet more females fall in love with male affair partners than the other way around.

I think that's a cultural structure and nothing more, but whereas you might expect more women to become more "male" in their thinking about affairs, in fact what I am seeing is men becoming more "female" in their thinking and telling themselves that they must "truly love" their affair partner to be doing this, feeling compelled to leave their long-term partner, for what was often a simple crush.

I still think it is very hard for women to allow themselves to pursue no-strings sex, or to do so without societal approbation - and I think that's wrong and sexist.

Just as I also think that deceiving others about your choices is wrong and indefensible.

blondegirl1979 · 15/02/2011 17:57

Some interesting points of view there I think.... My intention when posting my original question wasnt to cause a row though. Smile

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 21:38

I do actually think that the monogamy cult is to blame for a lot of the misery around affairs. Some people get so hung up on thsi idea of True Love and The One that, despite baning on tediously about the eeeeevils of NSA sex, they behave far more unkindly. Because they are obsessed with romantic monogamy, they can't process it when they feel a vague surge of lust for a passing person (the healthily monogamous person copes with a passing fancy by acknowledging it and deciding that there's no harm in looking but that s/he isn't going to act on the attraction) - so they convince themselves that the attractive stranger is The One and thus the existing partner is disposable and no longer relevant.

Wysiwig · 15/02/2011 22:21

Christ...I'm off to the convent...

TobyLerone · 16/02/2011 09:35

I agree with SGB.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread