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Original poster

NSA internet "dating" is it right or wrong ?

94 replies

blondegirl1979 · 31/01/2011 19:36

This is my first post on here. I am after peoples thoughts/opinions really, I recently posted a NSA advert on a website, recieved about 70 replies. About 60 from married men, on my ad I said I didnt mind if they were single or not, but I was genuinely shocked about the number of married men replying to me, especially the number divulging info about their wives and kids, even attaching photos of themselves with wives.

I am not a nieve person, but am surprised at some of the lengthts men would go to for sex, and what they were willing to risk. For my own personal reasons I am not the most trusting, but this has fairly much trashed what little faith I had left in people.

Also, married men aside, why does there seem to be a stigma against meeting people in this way, even if noone is doing anything wrong, and are consenting adults ?

OP posts:
Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 02/02/2011 20:30

me too, thanks KikiJane.

OP posts:
MidnightsChild · 03/02/2011 11:45

Nothing wrong with NSA dating sites ... they're upfront and direct about what people are there for. Far better when you're either not wanting a relationship or are not ready (emotionally or practically). I've met people on standard dating sites who are just missing physical closeness, but rather than be honest and advertise on a sex site, they wrap it up in romantic guff on a normal dating site, then end up either breaking hearts or just wasting your time. So, personally, I'm all for the honesty of a sex site.

As to the OP's methodology of weeding out married men, I don't think its necessary. From my experience, there are plenty of married people - yes, both men & women - who are on these sites. They don't hide their status and they get enough action from people who don't care about their marital status to have to bother lying.

I do agree with the OP that NSA needn't mean not fussy, but I think the ad needs to be very clear on that subject. Women on NSA sites get a massive response (because of the way the numbers are skewed). Even if your ad is very direct, men will be optimists as - let's face it - testorone will ensure they respond from the dick rather than the brain, so a large amount of vetting will be necessary. Nevertheless, by simply applied the same vetting process I would on a standard dating site, I only spoke to people I would consider decent (so, in my case, no-one married). Its not tricky to work out even with those who don't 'fess up ...

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 11:59

It doesn't have to be a specific NSA site to find someone with whom to have NSA sex. There are dating sites where you can state that you're looking for something casual (or even just friends) in the 'stats' part, before you even get to the profile.

MidnightsChild · 03/02/2011 14:01

Agreed Kiki and the "casual" tag does make it very clear, but I do hate "friendship" being used to mean NSA. I mean something quite different by friendship ... but ignore me, its just one of those things I get grumpy about Grin

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 16:51

I've never thought of 'friendship' as meaning 'NSA' before. I don't think I'd even ever heard of it done. I shall be on the lookout in future!

fortyplus · 04/02/2011 20:17

Also news to me that 'friendship' would mean NSA sex. I suppose it's a bit like 'broad minded' not meaning open to the opinions of others! Wink]

Quite glad that my only experience of dating sites is via my single friends!

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 05/02/2011 15:18

Ive never heard of friendship and nsa meaning the same, maybe it depends on which website you are on - the one I used was very explicit about what was on offer, so there wasnt really any room for confusion.

I would be dubious about someone claiming to be looking friends on a dating site though.

OP posts:
tadpoles · 06/02/2011 22:00

"I recently posted a NSA advert on a website, recieved about 70 replies. About 60 from married men, on my ad I said I didnt mind if they were single or not...."

If you don't care if they are married, then why did you lie in your advert?

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 06/02/2011 22:12

please read the rest of the thread, it will explain whay I said that.

OP posts:
anais53 · 06/02/2011 23:03

Firstly blondegirl, I'm pleased you seem to have met up with someone nice to have regular sex with. How's it going?

I'm very like you, but just that little bit older - 22 years older if you were in fact born in 1979! I've posted about what I'm doing and have had largely positive responses so it's a shame some people have been so judgey towards you. I'm on a site looking for an "other relationship" but make it quite clear I'm not interested in anyone who's attached.

I've met several very nice men and am considering in my own time, whether I wish to have sex with any of them. I'm not necessarily looking for more than one but if it happens, I intend to be honest with those concerned. If they're not happy about it then they can make an informed decision. I'm not looking for a one-nighter, more a friend and lover. It IS possible.

Glad SGB has posted and agree with SarahTomin when she says that the less interested you as a woman are in a committed relationship (and I'm really not), the more likely a man is to ask you for one! I've had two guys already asking me for more which has been a real eye-opener. Anyway, do what feels right for you, don't worry about what other people think and always remember to treat the nice men that yo meet with consideration. Have fun!

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 07/02/2011 09:50

Hi Anais, thanks for that, as you say, so many people have been very judgy about me, and also just plain rude really. There seems to be a lot of very vocal women on this site - through reading other peoples posts, and the same names crop up time and again with the same very strong views about things, its almost like a form of bullying ! Anyway, that wasnt really the point !

I think honesty is the key with this topic, as if everyone is upfront about wha they want or dont want then there is no room for misunderstanding, and everyone knows where they are without having to play guessing games etc.

OP posts:
tadpoles · 07/02/2011 11:22

I just think you are being slightly disingenuous here. You have put out a baited hook and then you claim to be shocked by what you have reeled in. If you feel very strongly that the person you want to have no strings attached sex with must be single then surely it would have been better to be up front from the beginning? Also, I would question the motives of a single man responding to an ad such as that. You have completely misrepresented yourself as a woman who genuinely doesn't mind whether a man is attached or not (which is not the case, clearly).

That message will be picked up by ALL men answering, whether single or attached. In other words even the supposedly single ones might well think, 'great, she is not hung up on monogamy and is not going to get jealous or controlling if I decide to have more than one sexual partner at a time.'

You obviously DO disapprove of people who are not monogamous, so why so willfully misrepresent yourself? A single man who is happy to have no strings attached sex with you could just as easily be lying about his true status or intentions - perhaps he is having NSA sex with a bunch of other people as well. Or he could be pretending it is NSA sex when one or another girlfriend has a completely different perspective.

You ad is just totally ambiguous and sends out all the wrong messages. The other aspect of it is that there are attached men and women out there who, for what ever reason, have no sex life with their partner and there is an agreement that they will get sex discreetly elsewhere. The partner could be an invalid or there could be other reasons.

I just think it sounds as though you are playing games here which could completely backfire. At least the attached men are being candid to you, which is more than you are being to them.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 07/02/2011 12:19

I didnt put out a baited hook, it was the easiet way I could think of to get honesty on the marital status front, and that was what I got. I simply mentioned that I was suprised by the number of married men who replied. If I had asked for single only I am certain that married men would have replied but lied about it, which just wastes everyones time.

I dont understand why you question the motives of a single man replying - that is no different to me placing the ad in the first place. The whole point of nsa is that it is just that, and if the respondee of the ad was having more than 1 sexual partner at a time then it wouldnt be an issue for me, as long as he accepted that I was able to do the same.

I dont disaprove or judge those who are not manogamus, it was honesty that I wanted.

I hadnt thought about people being in sexless marriages - ill health etc, but noone said that in their opening emails so it didnt arise.

I'm not playing any games with anyone, I met a single man through my ad who I have seen every weekend since, I have no plans to see anyone else and my ad has since expired. He had told me he has not seen anyone else since we met, I have no idea what the future holds (with regard to anything), but we are both happy with the arrangement at the moment. How is any of that unfair/dishonest etc ?

OP posts:
anais53 · 07/02/2011 16:29

Tadpoles, a single man claiming to be looking for a long-term committed relationship could be lying. The thing is, you don't know anything about people until you start to get to know them. Blondegirl said nothing about monogamy, she just wants honesty. There's nothing wrong with polyamory as long as all parties concerned are happy with it.

I think the problem with the OP saying she didn't mind if guys were married is that it might send out a certain message to the single ones but ultimately it doesn't seem to have mattered because she's met someone who fits her criteria.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 07/02/2011 20:39

Thanks for that Anais. Smile

OP posts:
Dreamsamy · 15/02/2011 13:59

Good for you Blondegirl.
Nothing wrong with wanting casual sex. why do we have so many hang ups on this. I have a lady i meet for "coffee" now and then. we enjoy the company, we text, chat, laugh and share many things together and when we feel like we get together and have a shag. Its fun, its free, we both know and understand what it is between us, BUT under no dissolutions that we are not leaving our respective partners. We're in it for the fun. Both married and enjoying the extras that this NSA friendship is bring to both us as individuals and into our respective marriages. Go for it & have your fun with who ever you find, just take care in choosing your "friends" & take care where and when you meet them. Samy x

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 14:13

Bear in mind that patriarchal, sexist culture doesn't like women having casual sex because it makes them less inclined to become one man's property and domestic appliance. This is why women are constantly being told that NSA sex is bad for them, scary, dangerous, 'devalues' them etc. Because it's actually very liberating if it's something you enjoy.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 14:31

I agree with you 100% SGB, but observe that it's that same sexist culture that's allowing Dreamsamy and his lover to shit on their partners and pretend it's helping their marriages. I wonder how their partners would feel if they pursued some secret NSA sex of their own?

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 14:32

Dreamsamy does your partner know you're doing this?

StuffingGoldBrass · 15/02/2011 14:37

I'm not sure that it's entirely sexism that supports and encourages people to breach monogamy in a deceitful fashion: women do do this about as much as men do.

TobyLerone · 15/02/2011 14:41

Exactly. Dreamsamy's lover is in the same situation.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 14:55

Good grief, women can be as sexist and detrimental to their own sex as any man SGB. How many women's affairs are borne out of a belief that men should be always "up for sex" and because their H isn't, they turn to the first man who makes them feel like "a woman"? That's all part of the patriarchical, sexist culture too. That men want sex and women are the gatekeepers of it and if a relationship departs from that horrible "norm", women will pursue someone who is a "real man".

Dreamsamy · 15/02/2011 15:04

Sexist! what the heck are you lot on? How can me and my coffee lady enjoying some fun and excitment in an adult way together be SEXIST!!!thats what i mean too many hang ups!
Nothing to do with culture and the peoeple who are talking about women being the "PROPERTY" of me are from countrys where tthat sort of thinking puts them many years behind the western thinking world.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2011 15:08

Okay. You tell me why you're having an affair, why your OW is having an affair, whether you are doing this in secret - and I'll tell you why affairs and gender politics are inextricably linked.

Dreamsamy · 15/02/2011 15:14

I'm not having an affair, i do not meet my coffee lady unless we are planning on having sex for PURE PLEASURE & FUN.we have no other conections apart from chatting and textin etc. Come on then please enlighten me into your so perfect world and tell me whats wrong with it AND on WHO@S AUTHORITY its wrong?????

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