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Original poster

NSA internet "dating" is it right or wrong ?

94 replies

blondegirl1979 · 31/01/2011 19:36

This is my first post on here. I am after peoples thoughts/opinions really, I recently posted a NSA advert on a website, recieved about 70 replies. About 60 from married men, on my ad I said I didnt mind if they were single or not, but I was genuinely shocked about the number of married men replying to me, especially the number divulging info about their wives and kids, even attaching photos of themselves with wives.

I am not a nieve person, but am surprised at some of the lengthts men would go to for sex, and what they were willing to risk. For my own personal reasons I am not the most trusting, but this has fairly much trashed what little faith I had left in people.

Also, married men aside, why does there seem to be a stigma against meeting people in this way, even if noone is doing anything wrong, and are consenting adults ?

OP posts:
SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 21:50

Good for you OP - hope it works out for you and be safe (in all respects!)

Agree with KikiJane (Op has not had sex with any married men) - those married men were already on that site replying to ads long before OP came along - difference is that they were probably lying about their status and if not, we should be vilifying whoever did sleep with them knowingly but the focus should be on the person breaking their marriage vows - in this case the men.

Also agree with Madonnawhore - have done a fair bit of online dating also and you get a lot of married chancers on there too - some upfront and a lot not. Gut instinct helps as does red flags like not being able to talk at home/only strange times etc. Just keep your wits about you OP and good luck.

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 21:53

MerryWidow What a happy escape you've had - and what a lovely username! I hope you are fully enjoying your freedom and wish you all the best - what a very different life you will live from now on.

gettingeasier · 31/01/2011 21:53

Er because she was advertising to date them single or otherwise and presumably no married man is on a dating site to meet people for coffee and their idea of "fun" to quote OP will be to do with sex I should imagine.

Nothing wrong with NSA but with married men ? Grow up and at least be honest about the potential effects of your NSA fun

KikiJane · 31/01/2011 21:56

Bloody hell. Learn words. She did not sleep with them, and neither did she intend to!

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 31/01/2011 22:03

thats a good point Madonna - about men lying on the dating sites, thanks for that.

And thanks kikijane - i was just about to say that to gettingeasier......could people read all my posts before slagging me off. All I am guilty of is not wording my inital post brilliantly.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could have worded my ad, without effectivly giving men licence to lie to me about their marital status ??

OP posts:
KikiJane · 31/01/2011 22:07

I think it's a brilliant idea to have said you don't mind whether they're married or single. It means they won't feel the need to lie about it, so then you can make an informed choice without the worry of being lied to.

These married men will be on these sites regardless. I'm surprised more of the judgemental commenters haven't thought that the fact that the OP 'drew out' the married ones means that she won't be one of the 'slappers' they're so worried are waiting to steal their men.

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 22:14

Wow. How frustrating. Have the jump-in-with-both-feet-judgers even read any of the OP's posts properly? Very strange.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 22:26

I am not sure about a stigma. I just think sex with no strings attached is rather soul less and I wouldnt want to sleep with someone who just wanted to use me for my body and didnt value me enough to want a relationship with me.

It would be like prostituting myself for free.

KikiJane · 31/01/2011 22:27

What if you wanted sex, but didn't want a relationship with them, bubblewrapped?

gettingeasier · 31/01/2011 22:32

Oh ok I didnt realise her intention was to cunningly draw out the married men from the pool of NSA applicants and make an informed choice to not have sex with them.

As you say kikijane genius Wink

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 22:36

'Prostituting myself for free'. Now there's an oxymoron. No use of perjorative language there then! Hmm

I was in a relationship from 14 - 25. Ended amicably, still friends. I decided that I wanted to explore my sexuality, stay single and work out what I wanted out of life and love before getting into another relationship. While I would agree the best sex I've ever had has been with someone I am deeply in love with and in a relationship with, I had a lot of fun while working out what I wanted, and if I ever thought someone was developing feelings for me (despite me being clear at the start) I very gently extricated myself before it went any further. I really can't see how that was either immoral or 'prostituting myself for free.' That period of my life allowed me to ultimately end up in an emotionally, intellectually and sexually satisfying relationship because I knew what I was looking for.

KikiJane · 31/01/2011 22:38

By those standards, isn't all sex outside of a relationship just "prostituting [ones]self for free"? Of course it isn't!

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 31/01/2011 22:56

bubblewrap: sex with no strings doesnt have to be soulless, i wanted there to be more to it than a 1 night stand - that would be soulless to me, and not something that I have really done. Its not about using or being used, more about 2 people who look at things the same and both get something out of it, its not about how much someone does or doesnt value you.
Sarahtonin: my "story" is along similar lines to yours, but like i said earlier dating sites are full of men who want marrage and kids, which isnt what im about and I'm not in a possition to meet lots of single men in the conventional way, doing it this way had lead me to meet someone who i genuinly feel that i clicked with, and i hope it continues.

OP posts:
KikiJane · 31/01/2011 23:00

Definitely. You can still be valued and respected without being 'loved'.

Good luck, blondegirl :)

fortyplus · 31/01/2011 23:25

KikiJane I think you're missing my point - I'm just saying she shouldn't be surprised. She's presumably one of the few females who've said they don't mind whether the men are single. Good for her to weed out the married ones. But I do think there will also be nice single guys who wouldn't want to date a woman who'd posted that.

If I was single and went on a dating site I'd shy away from blokes who said they didn't care whether they were dating single or married women.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 01/02/2011 08:28

fortyplus: Youre right Im not sure why I wa so suprised, I think it was mainly the number of men, and also the amount of detail they went into about their lives in the initial contact email, many sent photos in their initial response too. I too would stay away from a man on a dating site who didnt mind if they were dating single or married women, but this wasnt an actaul dating site, so "normal" rules dont apply really.

OP posts:
KikiJane · 01/02/2011 09:29

I possibly did miss your point, due to the fact that I judged you for calling the OP a slapper, as much as you judged her for the married men thing.

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 09:31

I also think that's a smart idea, BG. It's almost a pity it wouldn't work as well on other undesirable characteristics - 'I don't mind if you're an alcoholic/fresh out of prison/romantic stalker...'
Another, and probably safer way to get NSA sex would be to check out the better swinging sites, or a local swinging club (depending where you are). You will still get the odd married man there but most of the married people will be in open relationships. Good luck - and well done for having a clear-eyed view about what you want.
I think that in general NSA sex is very good for women, it improves our personal boundaries and makes us less tolerant of rubbish sex just becauase the bloke claims to love us and offers monogamy.

SarahTonin · 01/02/2011 10:41

Ah SGB - am a (not so secret now) fan. Was hoping you'd show up to put your view across.

Am wondering how long BG's ad would have to be to do some proper weeding!

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 11:01

Of course there's only so much weeding that can be done at the ad stage. Men who are obsessed with their mothers, desperately trying to convince themselves they're not gay, or men who are pathologically mean, tend not to reveal their undesirable qualities unti at tleast the first date.
I think a really vital thing to remember with any kind of online dating is you don't owe the other person anything except civility. You don't have to 'give him a chance' if he's boring, creepy or smells like a wet dog. And if he's really awful, you can just get up and leave without a word.

fortyplus · 01/02/2011 19:41

KikiJane I just said that's what the nice single blokes might think - and I made my original comment before she explained that she was trying to weed out the married men.

So judge away - if she'd gone on the site with the intention of having sex with married men then in my book she would've been a slapper. Would you disagree with that?

fortyplus · 01/02/2011 19:47

StuffingGoldBrass lol at 'smells like a wet dog' Grin I hope you haven't experienced this!

I know someone who chatted online with someone from a dating site for ages. He kept having reasons not to meet. They built up the relationship online and by telephone. She really felt that he could be the love of her life.

When they met the guy was literally about 5 feet tall. He explained that he wanted to get to know her first so she wouldn't have the hang up about his height and hoped she'd be able to overcome that.

She was devastated but said she couldn't see him again. I found that terribly sad for both of them, but I did think he was wrong not to have mentioned it beforehand.

Original poster
blondegirl1979 · 01/02/2011 20:38

sgb: my ad would have looked like a shopping list full of do's and donts... Smile
But youre right, you just get up and walk away if you dont like what you see, and for me I know straght away, call me shallow maybe. Likeing the wet dog coment thought !!

fortyplus: The story about the short bloke is terrible, I was very clear to say that I am quite tall, and their height was one of the second questions I asked if they didnt mention it initially as it is a serious no no for me to be in any way involved with someone shorter than me, I also assumed that blokes usually say they are taller than they really are !!!

OP posts:
fortyplus · 01/02/2011 22:32

blondegirl1979 I'm afraid I'm just the same. I've been out socially with guys a bit shorter than me (friends not boyfriends or dates) and always felt a bit self conscious. I'm 5' 9" so back in the days when I used to wear 3" heels I was more or less as tall as dh. It does seem shallow but I guess I wouldn't go out with someone obese or totally skinny either.

Thank goodness dh is still putting up with me after 26 years! Grin

KikiJane · 02/02/2011 09:49

I disagree with calling any woman a slapper.