I think my marriage just ended. What do I do now?

[kitchencat]

We had yet another massive row, which ended up with him screaming at me that I'm mad, I'm insane, this is all my fault. I've done nothing, just a stupid argument - asked him not to stick his laptop under my nose when I'm cooking, cos he wanted to prove me wrongabout something.

I'm rambling, sorry. I'm scared. He left, but will come back. He'll say it's all me. Shit. I just moved, with DS (18 months), we're so far from home, I don't know anyone.

It's not right to be told you're mad is it?

he is being abusive

Thanks for that link, I said to him that it was abuse, but I'm mental apparently. I'm not. Thank you for replying.

Abusers quite often constantly question a partner's mental health. It is a way of undermining your opinion and disregarding anything you might add to an issue.

Be very wary.

Kitchencat - I'm sorry :(

I haven't read any threads by you (well not under 'kitchencat' anyway I don't think!), so I don't know your 'back story', but it doesn't sound good if you have only just moved there to be with him and he's treating you like this!

Frankly, DS is only 18 months, he'll wont even remember this. Go home. Go back to friends & family and put this down to one of life's mistakes xxx

He always says that to me when we argue. It's the total aggression, pure hatred, red mist, and then the same old statements, I'm mental, the weirdest person he ever met, he doesn't understand me etc.

We've been married 4 years, he's forces, I just moved down south. I've gad trouble adjusting but it's been okay, he's been quite supportive.

This side of him hasn't surfaced for a while.

I don't know what to do.

Oh sorry, I got the impression that it was a 'new' relationship and DS wasn't his - possibly because you said I just moved here, not we just moved here. A bit trickier then isn't it.

How long do you call 'a while'?

Months maybe? Since before we moved, which is 4 months. I think he's been keeping a lid on it. DH is based here, but we just got a house.

Sometimes, I watch him when he's with DS, if he's wriggling, or doing his own thing, or being a wee bit creative/destructive (as toddlers do!) and I catch a glimpse of this aggressive, twisted face on DH. He's never hit DS, or me, but it's that look. I know I'm not perfect and probably lose my patience with our son at times, but it's the underlying aggression, if that makes sense?

Thank you for replying. I think I'll take DS up to bed now.

Please take your son out of this toxic situation

take him, and go home

Kitchencat - the thing is with anger like this is that it escalates, but so slowly you get used to it and 'put up' with more and more, until before you know it he's smacking DS because he's being naughty, then he's smacking him a bit too hard, then a lot too hard... he's pushing past you, then he's pushing you out of the way to get past, then he's pushing you because you went too far, then he's slapping you because you wouldn't shut up... if you can see that agression in his twisted face now I would be out of there.

He's already started on the verbal abuse - do you really want to hang around for the physical abuse?

I feel strangely relieved. To have told him to get out for the night. He's texted, said he's sleeping in the car, that I'm being unreasonable?

Toxic sums it up well actually. Yes, things are okay most of the time, but what happens when DS is more aware and starts copying his dad, sees him blow his top etc? Not just to me, occasionally whe he's driving (he'll try to show other cars / drivers who's best). I'm answering my own questions aren't I. I feel like an idiot.

And Chipping, yes, it's always turned round to me. I made him lose his temper, I'm weird - he'll apologise, probably in a few days. But I don't think he means it. Cos he won't think he's done anything wrong.

Fuck, what a mess. But I need to sort it.

You didn't tell him to sleep in the car, you told him to get out, he's in the Army FFS all he needed to do was go to a mates and fess to having been told to stay out tonight and can he crash on the settee. If he chooses to freeze his arse off in the car - that's his problem!!

Please don't feel like an idiot - but do look at what you are doing now.... it really isn't good for DS to grow up around someone like this :(

Of course it's always you

Can you go and stay with your parents/friends? Permanently I mean, not just for a few days.

stick around, love

he will be back tomorrow with the grovelling apologies

you need to be strong, and resist

because it will happen again, and again

and your son will grow to learn this is how adults behave

I've spoken to my dad and a close friend. My dad seems heartbroken - my dad has Parkinsons, though it's in it's early stages. I shouldn't have called him but we're close. Now he's just going to worry about me.

I feel sad but I feel like part of me has shut down. I don't even want an apology tomorrow. I feel quite calm, which is weird.

My son deserves better than this.

Thanks you again for replyng. It's good to have confirmation that I'm not mental and that what he is doing is wrong. DS is now asleep with his head on my shoulder. I feel shit for breaking up this family.

he broke up your family by making it impossible for you to stay together

never forget that

Yes, that's the bare facts of it, isn't it.

But he's going to twist it every way tomorrow.

I need to get some advice on what to do. Our flat back home is rented, till March. We can't sell as in massive negative equity. The whole things a mess, but it must to fixable, somehow.

I feel so sad, and ashamed at a failed marriage. I know it's him, I do know that, but it's still shit.

yes, no doubt it is shit

get some RL practical advice

from CAB, from a solicitor, from the Benefits office

lean on family and friends as much as you need to

tell people the truth...you have nothing to be ashamed of

KC- it is shit - but please, do remember it is him doing this not you, you are just mopping up the mess!

Call your Dad again tomorrow, let him know you are glad he's there for you and that you are OK.

Do the things AF has said.

I would pack up and go 'home' to your Dad or a friend, give the tennants notice and move back into the house in March, it's only a few weeks. UNLESS it's far too big, if it is you might be better leaving it rented out and rent something smaller.

Stay strong tomorrow - ignore all of the twisting. You don't have to agree on what the problem is you know - you just have to ignore the shit and explain to him that you don't care whose fault it is, you are no longer prepared to live like this.

I'll reply to this later. Do not leave your Mq however as you'll do yourself over and get no help. He can be moved to a block. You need to speak to ssafa at the hive.

Emmy - thanks, I need to look into the practicalities of living here. Ultimately, I want to go home, but I won't do anything rash.

He texted this morning and came over to see DS. Asked me what I wanted to happen later (after work). I said to him that if he can't see what he did was wrong, then we've reached the end of the line. He just doesn't see it.

Even if he does turn round and acknowledge it, say sorry etc, I don't think it'd be enough. I don't think he could change. He's fine 95% of the time, but I can't live with a ticking bloody time bomb.

DS is poorly, with a cold and diorhea, so going to concentrate on him today. Feel really flat and tired.

Ok worst thing you can do is pack up and just go home, don't. You are entitled to help use it.

Also keep in mind you may need council help if you split due to massive negative equity, affordability, etc, etc.

In situations like this, you need to go to the hive and speak to the WO, or ssafa rep. He will be moved into a block, you will be allowed to be in that house for 3 months, with him still paying for it. You will then be served with an eviction notice, which will be needed for the council to house you, but it has maximum impact.

You will also be able to tap into help such as ss houses and help with the costs of going it alone.

Do speak to someone though.

Where are you based you can pm me if you need help.

Can't stress it enough though, if this is it, tell welfare get him out, don't rush out and leave, you'll be doing yourself a huge disservice to the help you can get.

Thanks emmy, that's really helpful. I didn't know I could stay on for a bit without him. I'm very close to a naval community centre so should be able to get advice there, a lady from the hive visits each week.

I'll see how today pans out. He's blaming me, but that is always his initial tactic, before admitting (some) responsibility. I think he is very shocked at being told to get out last night.

I could be wrong, but as you own a house, I don't see how you will qualify for a council house.

Also, I'd rather go home & live with my Dad or friends for a few weeks until I either rented a place or got my house back than stay there where I didn't have any real friends and him on the door step making empty promises.

Of course he's shocked at you showing some balls & kicking him out - it doesn't mean he'll change! D you want to be doing this again & again with your DS getting older & older each time?

Don't make any rash decisions about going home.

It's bad advice and people who are on civvy street won't understand.

As a spouse in MQ you will get a lot of help from ssafa even if you decide to private rent etc. Leavinbg MQ and going home, it's much harder to get that help. Sad but true.

Also if he goes back to blocks, he won't be able to turn up on your doorstep harassing you, the military take this seriously.

You staying behing in the MQ, taking your time and getting the financial and practical help from ssafa is probably the best thing you can do. The ssafa rep and the wo are easier to get help from when on the patch still.

Civvies won't understand the level of help you will get to stay in your MQ for a few months, then help to get yourself right. You'd actually be doing yourself a huge disservice upping and leaving without seeking their help.

I know people mean well on here, but telling you to up and leave, is not good advice, when they don't understand how you'd be cutting yourself off from other help. Or how this whole process will work.

There are lots of options open to you here, speak to the lady from the Hive. Do not listen to people on the net telling you to up and go, or what they'd do as they don't get the kind of help you can get as a forces spouse already in MQ. If you stay for a few months and take your time in leaving and getting financial and practical help to do so. It dosen't mean he'll be on your doorstep all the time, he woiuldn't dare if you get the military involved.

I am on Civvy St, I don't understand how it works either

If my advice to you to just leave was wrong, I take it back. I still mean you should leave the relationship though, irrevocably.

Find out your rights like Emmy said, and take it from there. It sounds like you could be pleasantly surprised. It may certainly give you some thinking and planning time.

Good luck x