I think my marriage just ended. What do I do now?

[kitchencat]

We had yet another massive row, which ended up with him screaming at me that I'm mad, I'm insane, this is all my fault. I've done nothing, just a stupid argument - asked him not to stick his laptop under my nose when I'm cooking, cos he wanted to prove me wrongabout something.

I'm rambling, sorry. I'm scared. He left, but will come back. He'll say it's all me. Shit. I just moved, with DS (18 months), we're so far from home, I don't know anyone.

It's not right to be told you're mad is it?

If you need more advice on the practicalities I'm sure the nice ladies on "forces sweethearts" will give it (even if you don't feel like a sweetheart any more). Women's aid can also give you help on the emotional side of things.

KitchenCat, also happy to help if needed (it's one of my jobs). Can give you JSP quotes if needed.

You can push it out to 6 months if needed:

3 months cooling off period (H moves into block/mess, you stay in qtr). You are supposed to try and work things out during this.

Doesn't work so H changes his marital status

You get a further 93 days in qtr (paid for by H)

If you still havent found anywhere to live (will your tenants be out by then?) you can live in qtr as an irregular occupant - but you will be expected to pay market rent (probably 6 x what your H is paying now)

HIVE will help, SSAFA will help, UWO will help - make sure you see them all, make sure they understand how serious this is.

Good luck!

followed by your H

(sorry for random extra sentence!)

kitchencat how has your morning been?

I think it's well worth seeing what other help is available through the military.

However, if it just enables you to stay in MQ for a bit longer, I can't see how it's really helping? You are living away from family and friends and I would rather go home.

LtEve - what kind of help is available?

Thanks for all your responses. I'm really touched by how kind you all are.

I've spoken to DH, briefly, think he wants to come round later to talk. Not sure there is much to say really. He needs to admit he has a problem with anger/aggression. I have been thinking about suggesting counselling but not sure it's what I want.

Anyway, plan of action is this week to look into my rights with regards to this house, and look at options back home.

I think if this is definitely it, I need to stay on here till at least March, after which we can give our tenants one month notice to vacate. We can't sell the flat so presumably we'd have to come to some agreement to let me live there. I don't know how / when DS would see DH, which is really sad.

I don't want to do anything rash, I feel like I owe it to DS to try and make this work, but at what point do I say enough is enough. I don't want DS copying the aggressive behaviour.
We've had a nice day ironically, lots of lovely cuddles!

KC - none of us can tell you what to do with regard to DH, but you know that look he gets when DS is making a bit of a mess/being a bit destructive - it's not right. Yes they're frustrating and you might think 'Oh FFS I could do without this mess', you might even be a little sharp with them.... none of us are perfect, but 'that look' - that 'look' is what would have me ending this relationship NOW. The way he treats you - is that what you want DS to see? Do you want DS growing up and acting like this with his wife/kids? If you stay with DH, this is what will happen :(

Can you give your tennants a months notice in February so that when the agreement is up in March they move out then?

How far apart are where you are now and the flat?

DH will have to find a way to see DS if he wants to see him. DS is so little that this will soon be 'normal' for him and it will be better for him to live in a house with just you and no tension, without DH acting the way he does.

You owe it to DS to give him the best life you can, you need to work out what that is. From here it seems quite clear cut that it's not living with your DH, but only you can make that decision.

You are having a lovely day with DS - every day could be like this, no tension.
x

KitchenCat, Chipping,

As to what help is available, it is not in the military's best interest for its families to be unhappy, but there is a limit as to what would be available.

Practically, being able to stay in the MQ is to allow KC to sort out financial / housing / schooling / work etc. Its a stop-gap of 6 months when at least KC wont be homeless and does not have to worry about that on top of everything else.

Removals back to FMH are paid for (as for 'letting you live there' - dont you dare let him say any different - you are married, you have a child together - its your home too).

When you say you've just moved, how long ago? He may have to pay back his disturbance allowance (unless this was your first ever move)

SSAFA will be able to give you emotional support as well as practical assistance. If you cannot go back to the FMH they will help you with HA etc. They will also help you get a certificate of homelessness.

CSA find it very easy to make military pay maintenance, so that shouldnt be too much of a worry. Your H could set up an allotment off his own back into an account for you.

Again, happy to help if you have any specific queries

LtEve - thanks for that, pretty much what I had assumed. Helpful if you want to stay there while you get sorted out, but not actually much practical/financial support other than maybe the cost of getting the stuff back home...

I'd still rather go home, have more of a clean break, if I could stay with my Dad/friends - but that's a call only KC can make.

I know someone in this position. Ssafa have helped get her accommodation, carpets and a cooker. Can't say much more.

Dont underestimate the support ssafa and the wo can be emotionally chipping, acting rashly like you would is not in the ops interests tbh.

I know nothing about military matters, but I wonder if OP will need to give her tenants two months notice, rather than one? And the two months runs from the rent-paying day, so may amount to nearly three months in practice.

Just something else to think about.

Chipping, I can't help but wonder what other help you would expect?

Do you think Tesco would pay your removals / offer counselling / offer financial assistance / help you stay in your home and keep your DH away from you?

These days plenty of people move to where the work is, who else would give assistance if it all went wrong?

Oldlady, good point. Definately worth taking as long as the mil will allow if that is the case.

KC, forgot to add. The AWS (or navy/RAF equiv) also has trained DV /Womans Aid type workers. Your UWO should be able to refer you. I think it would be a good idea.

LtEve - I wouldn't expect any other help, or in fact any help. Not sure why you thought I would? I think emmy was going over the top about the advantages of staying in the MQ, which is why I asked what it was exactly us 'Civvies' clearly don't understand. I already said that the help offered would be good if you wanted to stay near-by but when you don't and you already have a house etc I think she's be better off going to where her family and friends are than staying in MQ just because she can. Really - no need to be so bloody defensive.

However, there are plenty of companies that if they require you to relocate for the busines, would pay for the cost of the partner & kids and their things home if they separated - the forces aren't the only ones who help in these situations

Chipping, defensive because I read your last post as not being very impressed with the help on offer. Apologies as that is not the case.

I also thought the OP didn't have anywhere she could go back home, so thought it was good that she didn't have to worry about that.

Again apologies, it's easy to get the nuance wrong in the written word!

No worries :) Things can be read completely differently to how you mean them when you are the one typing them. I guess I was also a bit suprised at you being so snappy & defensive as you'd been so patient on the thread ages ago - the one that got quite shitty about the military and the war in general... tis all good :)

Chipping what you failed to understand and what I tried to tell you, is just telling her to go home is not helpful.

Access to a lot of this help is a lot easier if you are still on patch, getting the support, financial assistance if you need it, removals sorted. Time and space for you to sort your head and house and living arrangements out, without sleeping on a family members floor.

It's not always as easy or wise for people to just leave. With dc's.

In op's situation I wouldn't, I'd stay in MQ for as long as possible, paying no rent, save up some cash, get support from ssafa/wo/ff get myself straight then go. She is being quite sensible with all the help that is on offer.

Not over exaggerating the benefits at all. It's a lot harder to get such assistance is she ups and leaves, sadly.

Emmy - you are being very patronising. I don't need you to tell what to think or what is or isn't easy or wise to do with DC

I haven't failed to understand anything, thanks very much, I just disagree with you and actually, that's allowed you know.

I haven't told her to do anything, I have simply said that all considered I would rather go home.

I have also advised her to find out what help she would get before she makes any decisions.

SIGH

Whatever

KitchenCat sorry about this distracting side debate - has he been around? Are you OK??

Hi,i'm a forces wife and am currently in the 3 mth cooling off period,my h left Jan 2nd. I have had alot of support through SSAFA,the lady comes to my home and tells me about everything i am entitled to and what help i can get,also emotional support.

If i had a place to go i would go there but i haven't so am staying put and am glad of the help i'm getting.

KC really hope you sort something out and can be happy and secure with your son x

Just a quick post as DS is quite unsettled, he's had a cold/virus for days now, cough, diorhea, and isn't eating - that's another thread in itself.

DH is in the house to see DS, we're going to talk once/if DS falls asleep. DH seems really flat, no apology, he's hardly said a word.

I don't feel much really. Sad, as I think I know this is over. We've only been married 3.5 years. Things are good normally but every time he loses his temper, I lose respect for him.

Anyway. I think I need to figure out how to get me, DS, a cat (the kitchen cat!) from the south coast of England back home to Scotland.

Thanks all for your advice, I really appreciate if and feel stronger from it.

Refmum, so sorry to hear of your situation, hope you're okay. Glad you're being supported. X

Hi KC

Poor little mite - there's so much going around at the moment isn't there! Hopefully he'll shake it off soon.

Well my lovely, you sound like you have made a decision. I think it's a very sensible one. I guess at some stage he'll try to talk you around, but you just need to stay strong.

It sounds as though you will get help moving you, DS & the cat home, LtEve said before that that should be forthcoming and I'm sure if you PM her she will be able to help you more.

Stay strong - feel us all standing right behind you!! x

RefMum - sorry you are going through it too :(

If you need any help or want any advice about support in that area, until you move, if you decide. I can help you if you need, I know it well and am often around that area.

I do understand OP - my ex-dh was like this, he made me think I was going mad and I was mentally 'abnormal' and imagining things.

I came to doubt my own sanity and was 'gaslighted' by him. It has taken me a few years to realise I am 'normal' and he was not.

So sorry for you but there is a place where you and your child can be happy. It is called the future and never looking back.

Hi KC How are you doing today? Did you get to talk last night?