DH came back after work yesterday and we actually went out for a bite to eat. The main idea behind that was to tempt DS into finally eating something (after about 8 days), which worked. He's still not right however so seeing the GP later.
DH and I did speak. He agrees that his behaviour was out of order & seemed totally taken aback that I'd been thinking about what to do practically, i.e. staying on in the house for a bit, then moving back home. So thanks for all the advice there - it really seemed to shock him that I had started to think it through. He has suggested getting some kind of help, anger management or something? I thought that was a good idea, whatever happens. Will be interesting to see how proactive he is in looking for that help. He did say that he felt he had been able to deal with his temper recently, and I do kind of agree with him there. It's far better than it used to be. That makes it sound terrible in the past, but to be very honest, I wasn't in a great place for a lot of our early relationship, quite needy and insecure. Of course that doesn't excuse his aggression, but it did lead to a lot of arguments.
I also brought up the way I've seen him looking at DS, when it seems he's about to lose his temper with him. To be fair to him, he's never lost it with DS, but I pointed out DS is only a baby, he's going to be challenging and testing us in various ways as he grows up, and we both need to deal with that without losing it. He said he understood that.
So where do I go from here? I obviously have a lot of thinking to do. He slept in the spare room last night and whilst I could ask him to leave now and get accommodation up at the base, he's hardly here anyway due to working long hours and being away part of the time. I may well ask him to move out though whilst I think things through. I guess I need to figure out if I want to give this a chance. I've been stressed about the move, I'm lonely and finding it really hard to adjust, and I don't want those feelings to be clouding my judgement about whether to just head back home. There isn't anything I can do till March anyway. Our flat is rented for an initial six month lease, then a rolling month by month contract after that.
DH said he'd move onto the base if I want him to, he also said he'd support us to move back into the flat in Scotland. He feels he can't cope with not seeing DS if that does happen, but I pointed out that whilst I would do everything I could to ensure they have a good relationship, I can't stay here just for DH's sake. He needs to get a grip of this behaviour - I told him that maybe he should think about missing his son when the red mist descends...
Thanks again to all for your support. It's a really sad situation but I will do whatever is best to ensure DS has a happy and safe childhood.